Современное образование

Содержание. Часть 2 => Английский язык => Тема начата: Sergevna от 16 февраля 2015, 15:59:02

Название: Military Humour
Отправлено: Sergevna от 16 февраля 2015, 15:59:02
The Lesson of Easy Eddie

STORY NUMBER ONE

Many years ago, Al Capone virtually owned Chicago...Capone wasn't famous for anything heroic. He was notorious for enmeshing the windy city in everything from bootlegged booze and prostitution to murder. Capone had a lawyer nicknamed 'Easy Eddie.' He was Capone's lawyer for a good reason. Eddie was very good! In fact, Eddie's skill at legal maneuvering kept Big Al out of jail for a long time. To show his appreciation, Capone paid him very well. Not only was the money big, but also, Eddie got special dividends.
For instance, he and his family occupied a fenced-in mansion with live-in help and all of the conveniences of the day. The estate was so large that it filled an entire Chicago City block. Eddie lived the high life of the Chicago mob and gave little consideration to the atrocity that went on around him.Eddie did have one soft spot, however. He had a son that he loved dearly.
Eddie saw to it that his young son had clothes, cars, and a good education. Nothing was withheld. Price was no object.
And, despite his involvement with organized crime, Eddie even tried to teach him right from wrong... Eddie wanted his son to be a better man than he was.
Yet, with all his wealth and influence, there were two things he couldn't give his son; he couldn't pass on a good name or a good example. One day, Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision. Easy Eddie wanted to rectify wrongs he had done.
He decided he would go to the authorities and tell the truth about Al 'Scarface' Capone, clean up his tarnished name, and offer his son some semblance of integrity.
To do this, he would have to testify against The Mob, and he knew that the cost would be great... So, he testified.
Within the year, Easy Eddie's life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely Chicago Street.
But in his eyes, he had given his son the greatest gift he had to offer, at the greatest price he could ever pay.
Police removed from his pockets a rosary, a crucifix, a religious medallion, and a poem clipped from a magazine.

The poem read:
'The clock of life is wound but once,
and no man has the power to tell just when the hands will stop at late or early hour.
Now is the only time you own. Live, love, toil with a will.
Place no faith in time.
For the clock may soon be still.'
Название: Re: Military storis
Отправлено: Sergevna от 16 февраля 2015, 16:08:49
STORY NUMBER TWO

World War II produced many heroes. One such man was Lieutenant Commander Butch O'Hare.
He was a fighter pilot assigned to the aircraft carrier USS Lexington in the South Pacific. One day his entire squadron was sent on a mission.
After he was airborne, he looked at his fuel gauge and realized that someone had forgotten to top off his fuel tank.
He would not have enough fuel to complete his mission and get back to his ship. His flight leader told him to return to the carrier.
Reluctantly, he dropped out of formation and headed back to the fleet. As he was returning to the mother ship he saw something that turned his blood cold.
A squadron of Japanese aircraft was speeding toward the American fleet. The American fighters were gone on a sortie, and the fleet was all but defenseless.
He couldn't reach his squadron and bring them back in time to save the fleet. Nor could he warn the fleet of the approaching danger.
There was only one thing to do. He must somehow divert them from the fleet. Laying aside all thoughts of personal safety, he dove into the formation of Japanese planes. Wing-mounted 50 caliber's blazed as he charged in, attacking one surprised enemy plane and then another. Butch wove in and out of the now broken formation and fired at as many planes
as possible until all his ammunition was finally spent.
Undaunted, he continued the assault. He dove at the planes, trying to clip a wing or tail in hopes of damaging as many enemy planes as possible and rendering them unfit to fly.
Finally, the exasperated Japanese squadron took off in another direction. Deeply relieved, Butch O'Hare and his tattered fighter limped back to the carrier.
Upon arrival, he reported in and related the event surrounding his return.

The film from the gun-mounted camera on his plane told the tale. It showed the extent of Butch's daring attempt to protect his fleet. He had, in fact, destroyed five enemy aircraft.
This took place on February 20, 1942, and for that action Butch became the Navy's first Ace of W.W.II, and the first Naval Aviator to win the Congressional Medal of Honor.
A year later Butch was killed in aerial combat at the age of 29. His home town would not allow the memory of this WW II hero to fade, and today, O'Hare Airport in Chicago is named in tribute to the courage of this great man.

So, the next time you find yourself at O'Hare International, give some thought to visit Butch's memorial displaying his statue and his Medal of Honor. It's located between Terminals 1 and 2.

SO WHAT DO THESE TWO STORIES HAVE TO DO WITH EACH OTHER?
Butch O'Hare was 'Easy Eddie's' son.

SEMPER FI
The Gunny

Dear Lord
So far today, God, I've done alright
I haven't gossiped
I haven't lost my temper
I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or even over-indulgent.
I'm really glad about that.

But in the next few minutes, God,
I'm going to get out of bed,
AND from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot of your help.

AMEN.....
"A good name is more desired than great riches.
Название: Re: Military storis
Отправлено: admist от 16 февраля 2015, 17:18:41
STORY NUMBER TWO

Ничего не имею против Ваших рассказов, но почему 'storis', а не 'stories'?

Я, правда, давно кончал школу, и правила вполне могли измениться.
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Sergevna от 16 февраля 2015, 19:40:01
Попросила  набрать текст...девочка 5 класс, думаю мы её простим и других предупредим-ВСЕГДА кэрьте детей-иначе получите взашей)))
   by the scruff of the neck)))

Thank U 4 watching;)
Название: Re: Military storis
Отправлено: Sergevna от 16 февраля 2015, 20:50:18
К сожалению, это не мои рассказы-но выйду на пенсию, и напишу... обещаYOU))) :D
Название: Re: Military storis
Отправлено: Марина от 16 февраля 2015, 21:53:56
может имеет смысл написать ПРАВИЛЬНОЕ название темы?  ;)
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Sergevna от 23 февраля 2015, 13:30:36
Исправляла  название темы-снова ошибка, надо сообщить модератору))
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Sergevna от 03 марта 2015, 17:14:39
Military’s love… in sickness!
The passengers on the bus watched sympathetically as the attractive young woman with the white cane made her way carefully up the steps. She paid the driver and, using her hands to feel the location of the seats, walked down the aisle and found the seat he’d told her was empty. Then she settled in, placed her briefcase on her lap and rested her cane against her leg.

It had been a year since Susan, 34, became blind. Due to a medical misdiagnosis she had been rendered sightless, and she was suddenly thrown into a world of darkness, anger, frustration and self-pity. And all she had to cling to was her husband, Mark.

Mark was an Air Force officer and he loved Susan with all his heart. When she first lost her sight, he watched her sink into despair and was determined to help his wife gain the strength and confidence she needed to become independent again.

Finally, Susan felt ready to return to her job, but how would she get there? She used to take the bus, but was now too frightened to get around the city by herself. Mark volunteered to drive her to work each day, even though they worked at opposite ends of the city. At first, this comforted Susan, and fulfilled Mark’s need to protect his sightless wife who was so insecure about performing the slightest task. Soon, however, Mark realized the arrangement wasn’t working. Susan is going to have to start taking the bus again, he admitted to himself. But she was still so fragile, so angry-how would she react?

Just as he predicted, Susan was horrified at the idea of taking the bus again. “I’m blind!,” she responded bitterly. “How am I supposed to know where I am going? I feel like you’re abandoning me.”

Mark’s heart broke to hear these words, but he knew what had to be done. He promised Susan that each morning and evening he would ride the bus with her, for as long as it took, until she got the hang of it. And that is exactly what happened. For two solid weeks, Mark, military uniform and all, accompanied Susan to and from work each day. He taught her how to rely on her other senses, specifically her hearing, to determine where she was and how to adapt her new environment. He helped her befriend the bus drivers who could watch out for her, and save her a seat.

Finally, Susan decided that she was ready to try the trip on her own. Monday morning arrived, and before she left, she threw her arms around Mark, her temporary bus-riding companion, her husband, and her best friend. Her eyes filled with tears of gratitude for his loyalty, his patience, and his love. She said good-bye, and for the first time, they went their separate ways. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday… Each day on her own went perfectly, and Susan had never felt better. She was doing it! She was going to work all by herself.

On Friday morning, Susan took the bus to work as usual. As she was paying the fare to exit the bus, the driver said, “Boy, I sure do envy you.” Susan wasn’t sure if the driver was speaking to her or not. After all, who on earth would ever envy a blind woman who had struggled just to find the courage to live for the past year?

Curious, she asked the driver, “Why do you say that you envy me?” The driver responded, “It must feel good to be taken care of and protected like you are.”

Susan had no idea what the driver was talking about, and again asked, “What do you mean?”

The driver answered, “You know, every morning for the past week, a fine-looking gentleman in a military uniform has been standing across the corner watching you as you get off the bus. He makes sure you cross the street safely and he watches until you enter your office building. Then he blows you a kiss, gives you a little salute and walks away. You are one lucky lady.”

Tears of happiness poured down Susan’s cheeks. For although she couldn’t physically see him, she had always felt Mark’s presence. She was lucky, so lucky, for he had given her a gift more powerful than sight, a gift she didn’t need to see to believe-the gift of love that can bring light where there is darkness.

Author Unknown
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Sergevna от 03 марта 2015, 17:16:46
The Marine’s Father

A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside.
“Your son is here,” she said to the old man. She had to repeat the words several times before the patient’s eyes opened.

Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he dimly saw the young uniformed Marine standing outside the oxygen tent. He reached out his hand. The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man’s limp ones, squeezing a message of love and encouragement.

The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside the bed. All through the night the young Marine sat there in the poorly lighted ward, holding the old man’s hand and offering him words of love and strength. Occasionally, the nurse suggested that the Marine move away and rest awhile.

He refused. Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the Marine was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital – the clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff members exchanging greetings, the cries and moans of the other patients.

Now and then she heard him say a few gentle words. The dying man said nothing, only held tightly to his son all through the night.

Along towards dawn, the old man died. The Marine released the now lifeless hand he had been holding and went to tell the nurse. While she did what she had to do, he waited.

Finally, she returned. She started to offer words of sympathy, but the Marine interrupted her.

“Who was that man?” he asked.

The nurse was startled, “He was your father,” she answered.

“No, he wasn’t,” the Marine replied.
“I never saw him before in my life.”

“Then why didn’t you say something when I took you to him?”

“I knew right away there had been a mistake, but I also knew he needed his son, and his son just wasn’t here. When I realized that he was too sick to tell whether or not I was his son, knowing how much he needed me, I stayed.”

Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Sergevna от 03 марта 2015, 17:21:07
A beautiful true love story

One day, a young guy and a young girl fell in love.

But the guy came from a poor family. The girl’s parents weren’t too happy.

So the young man decided not only to court the girl but to court her parents as well. In time, the parents saw that he was a good man and was worthy of their daughter’s hand.

But there was another problem: The man was a soldier. Soon, war broke out and he was being sent overseas for a year. The week before he left, the man knelt on his knee and asked his lady love, “Will you marry me?” She wiped a tear, said yes, and they were engaged. They agreed that when he got back in one year, they would get married.

But tragedy struck. A few days after he left, the girl had a major vehicular accident. It was a head-on collision.

When she woke up in the hospital, she saw her father and mother crying. Immediately, she knew there was something wrong.

She later found out that she suffered brain injury. The part of her brain that controlled her face muscles was damaged. Her once lovely face was now disfigured. She cried as she saw herself in the mirror. “Yesterday, I was beautiful. Today, I’m a monster.” Her body was also covered with so many ugly wounds.

Right there and then, she decided to release her fiancé from their promise. She knew he wouldn’t want her anymore. She would forget about him and never see him again.

For one year, the soldier wrote many letters—but she wouldn’t answer. He phoned her many times but she wouldn’t return her calls.

But after one year, the mother walked into her room and announced, “He’s back from the war.”

The girl shouted, “No! Please don’t tell him about me. Don’t tell him I’m here!”

The mother said, “He’s getting married,” and handed her a wedding invitation.

The girl’s heart sank. She knew she still loved him—but she had to forget him now.

With great sadness, she opened the wedding invitation.

And then she saw her name on it!

Confused, she asked, “What is this?”

That was when the young man entered her room with a bouquet of flowers. He knelt beside her and asked, “Will you marry me?”

The girl covered her face with her hands and said, “I’m ugly!”

The man said, “Without your permission, your mother sent me your photos. When I saw your photos, I realized that nothing has changed. You’re still the person I fell in love. You’re still as beautiful as ever. Because I love you!”

Author Unknown
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Sergevna от 04 марта 2015, 13:12:33
True Friend
Horror gripped the heart of the World War I soldier as he saw his lifelong friend fall in battle. Caught in a trench with continuous gunfire whizzing over his head, the soldier asked his lieutenant if he might go out into the “no man’s land” between the trenches to bring his fallen comrade back.

“You can go,” said the lieutenant, “but i don’t think it will be worth it. Your friend is probably dead and you may throw your life away.” The lieutenant’s advice didn’t matter, and the soldier went anyway. Miraculously he managed to reach his friend, hoist him onto his shoulder and bring him back to their company’s trench. As the two of them tumbled in together to the bottom of the trench, the officer checked the wounded soldier, and then looked kindly at his friend.

“I told you it wouldn’t be worth it,” he said. “Your friend is dead and you are mortally wounded.”

“It was worth it, though, sir,” said the soldier.

“What do you mean; worth it?” responded the Lieutenant. “Your friend is dead.”

“Yes, Sir” the private answered. “But it was worth it because when I got to him, he was still alive and I had the satisfaction of hearing him saying, “Jim…, I knew you’d come.”

Many times in life, whether a thing is worth doing or not, really depends on how u looks at it. Take up all your courage and do something your heart tells you to do so that you may not regret not doing it later in your life. May each and every one of you be blessed with the company of TRUE FRIENDS. A true friend is one who walks in, when the rest of the world walks out. War doesn’t determine who’s right. War only determines who’s left.
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Sergevna от 15 апреля 2015, 12:59:53
A Horseman in the Sky
Ambrose Bierce

Narrator: Carter Druse was born in Virginia. He loved his parents, his home and the south. But he loved his country, too. And in the autumn of eighteen sixty-one, when the United States was divided by a terrible civil war, Carter Druse, a southerner, decided to join the Union Army of the north.

He told his father about his decision one morning at breakfast.
The older man looked at his only son for a moment, too shocked to speak. Then he said, "As of this moment you are a traitor to the south. Please dont tell your mother about your decision. She is sick, and we both know she has only a few weeks to live."
Carters father paused, again looking deep into his sons eyes. "Carter," he said, "No matter what happens -- be sure you always do what you think is your duty."
Both Carter Druse and his father left the table that morning with broken hearts. And Carter soon left his home, and everyone he loved to wear the blue uniform of the Union soldier.

One sunny afternoon, a few weeks later, Carter Druse lay with his face in the dirt by the side of a road. He was on his stomach, his arms still holding his gun. Carter would not receive a medal for his actions. In fact, if his commanding officer were to see him, he would order Carter shot immediately.
For Carter was not dead or wounded. He was sleeping while on duty. Fortunately, no one could see him. He was hidden by some bushes, growing by the side of the road.

The road Carter Druse had been sent to guard was only a few miles from his fathers house.

It began in a forest, down in the valley, and climbed up the side of a huge rock. Anyone standing on the top of this high rock would be able to see down into the valley. And that person would feel very dizzy, looking down. If he dropped a stone from the edge of this cliff, it would fall for six hundred meters before disappearing into the forest in the valley below.

Giant cliffs, like the one Carter lay on, surrounded the valley.
Hidden in the valleys forest were five union regiments -- thousands of Carters fellow soldiers. They had marched for thirty-six hours. Now they were resting. But at midnight they would climb that road up the rocky cliff.
Their plan was to attack by surprise an army of southerners, camped on the other side of the cliff. But if their enemy learned about the Union Army hiding in the forest, the soldiers would find themselves in a trap with no escape. That was why Carter Druse had been sent to guard the road.
It was his duty to be sure that no enemy soldier, dressed in gray, spied on the valley, where the union army was hiding.
But Carter Druse had fallen asleep. Suddenly, as if a messenger of fate came to touch him on the shoulder, the young man opened his eyes. As he lifted his head, he saw a man on horseback standing on the huge rocky cliff that looked down into the valley.
The rider and his horse stood so still that they seemed made of stone. The mans gray uniform blended with the blue sky and the white clouds behind him. He held a gun in his right hand, and the horses reins in the other.
Carter could not see the mans face, because the rider was looking down into the valley. But the man and his horse seemed to be of heroic, almost gigantic size, standing there motionless against the sky. Carter discovered he was very much afraid, even though he knew the enemy soldier could not see him hiding in the bushes.
Suddenly the horse moved, pulling back its head from the edge of the cliff. Carter was completely awake now. He raised his gun, pushing its barrel through the bushes. And he aimed for the horsemans heart. A small squeeze of the trigger, and Carter Druse would have done his duty.
At that instant, the horseman turned his head and looked in Carters direction. He seemed to look at Carters face, into his eyes, and deep into his brave, generous heart.
Carters face became very white. His entire body began shaking. His mind began to race, and in his fantasy, the horse and rider became black figures, rising and falling in slow circles against a fiery red sky.
Carter did not pull the trigger. Instead, he let go of his gun and slowly dropped his face until it rested again in the dirt.
Brave and strong as he was, Carter almost fainted from the shock of what he had seen.
Is it so terrible to kill an enemy who might kill you and your friends? Carter knew that this man must be shot from ambush -- without warning. This man must die without a moment to prepare his soul; without even the chance to say a silent prayer.
Slowly, a hope began to form in Carter Druses mind. Perhaps the southern soldier had not seen the northern troops.
Perhaps he was only admiring the view. Perhaps he would now turn and ride carelessly away.
Then Carter looked down into the valley so far below. He saw a line of men in blue uniforms and their horses, slowly leaving the protection of the forest. A foolish Union officer had permitted his soldiers to bring their horses to drink at a small stream near the forest. And there they were -- in plain sight!
Carter Druse looked back to the man and horse standing there against the sky. Again he took aim. But this time he pointed his gun at the horse. Words rang in his head -- the last words his father ever spoke to him: "No matter what happens, be sure you always do what you think is your duty."
Carter Druse was calm as he pulled the trigger of his gun.

At that moment, a Union officer happened to look up from his hiding place near the edge of the forest. His eyes climbed to the top of the cliff that looked over the valley. Just looking at the top of the gigantic rock, so far above him, made the soldier feel dizzy.
And then the officer saw something that filled his heart with horror. A man on a horse was riding down into the valley through the air!
The rider sat straight in his saddle. His hair streamed back, waving in the wind. His left hand held his horses reins while his right hand was hidden in the cloud of the horses mane. The horse looked as if it were galloping across the earth. Its body was proud and noble.
As the frightened Union officer watched this horseman in the sky, he almost believed he was witnessing a messenger from heaven. A messenger who had come to announce the end of the world. The officers legs grew weak, and he fell. At almost the same instant, he heard a crashing sound in the trees. The sound died without an echo. And all was silent.
The officer got to his feet, still shaking. He went back to his camp. But he didnt tell anyone what he had seen. He knew no one would ever believe him.
Soon after firing his gun, Carter Druse was joined by a Union sergeant. Carter did not turn his head as the sergeant kneeled beside him.

"Did you fire?" The sergeant whispered.
"Yes."
"At what?"
"A horse. It was on that rock. Its not there now. It went over the cliff." Carters face was white. But he showed no other sign of emotion. The sergeant did not understand.
"See here, Druse," he said, after a moments silence. "Why are you making this into a mystery. I order you to report. Was there anyone on the horse?"
"Yes."
"Who? "
"My father."
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Sergevna от 15 апреля 2015, 13:17:26
An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge
 Ambrose Bierce.

The occurrence, or event, in our story takes place during the Civil War of the eighteen sixties between the American states of the north and the states of the south. A group of soldiers is hanging a southern farm owner for trying to stop northern military movements across the Owl Creek Bridge.
In the last moments of his life, the southern prisoner dreams he has escaped. And everything that happens in the story is really the images in the prisoners mind just before he dies.

Narrator:  A man stood on a railroad bridge in Alabama looking down into the swift waters of the Owl Creek River below. The mans hands were tied behind his back. There was a rope around his neck. The rope was tied to part of the bridge above him. Three soldiers of the northern army stood near the prisoner, waiting for their captains orders to hang him.

Everybody was ready. The prisoner stood quietly. His eyes were not covered. He looked down and saw the water under the bridge. Now, he closed his eyes.
He wanted his last thoughts to be of his wife and children. But, as he tried to think of them, he heard sounds -- again and again. The sounds were soft. But they got louder and louder and started to hurt his ears. The pain was strong. He wanted to shout. But the sounds he heard were just those of the river running swiftly under the bridge.
The prisoner quickly opened his eyes and looked at the water. "If I could only free my hands," he thought. "Then I could get the rope off my neck and jump into the river. I could swim under the water and escape the fire of their guns. I could reach the other side of the river and get home through the forest. My house is outside of their military area, and my wife and children are safe there. I would be, too…"
While these thoughts raced through the prisoners mind, the captain gave the soldiers the order to hang him. A soldier quickly obeyed. He made the rope firm around the prisoners neck. Then he dropped him through a hole in the bridge.
As the prisoner fell, everything seemed black and empty. But then he felt a sharp pain in his neck and could not breathe. There were terrible pains running from his neck down through his body, his arms and his legs. He could not think. He could only feel, a feeling of living in a world of pain.
Then, suddenly, he heard a noise…something falling into the water. There was a big sound in his ears. Everything around him was cold and dark. Now he could think. He believed the rope had broken and that he was in the river.
But the rope was still around his neck, and his hands were tied. He thought: "How funny. How funny to die of hanging at the bottom of a river!" Then he felt his body moving up to the top of the water.
The prisoner did not know what he was doing. But his hands reached the rope on his neck and tore it off.
Now he felt the most violent pain he had ever known. He wanted to put the rope back on his neck. He tried but could not. His hands beat the water and pushed him up to the top. His head came out of the water. The light of the sun hurt his eyes. His mouth opened, and he swallowed air. It was too much for his lungs. He blew out the air with a scream.
Now the prisoner could think more clearly. All his senses had returned. They were even sharper than before. He heard sounds he never heard before -- that no mans ears ever heard -- the flying wings of small insects, the movement of a fish. His eyes saw more than just the trees along the river. They saw every leaf on the trees. And they saw the thin lines in the leaves.
And he saw the bridge, with the wall at one end. He saw the soldiers and the captain on the bridge. They shouted, and they pointed at him. They looked like giant monsters. As he looked, he heard gunfire. Something hit the water near his head. Now there was a second shot. He saw one soldier shooting at him.He knew he had to get to the forest and escape. He heard an officer call to the other soldiers to shoot.

The prisoner went down into the river, deep, as far as he could. The water made a great noise in his ears, but he heard the shots.
As he came up to the top again, he saw the bullets hit the water. Some of them touched his face and hands.
One even fell into the top of his shirt. He felt the heat of the bullet on his back.
When his head came out of the water for air, he saw that he was farther away from the soldiers. And he began swimming strongly.
As he swam, the soldiers fired their rifles. Then they fired their cannon at him. But nothing hit him. Then, suddenly, he could not swim. He was caught in a whirlpool which kept turning him around and around. This was the end, he thought. Then, just as suddenly as it had caught him, the whirlpool lifted him and threw him out of the river. He was on land!
He kissed the ground. He looked around him. There was a pink light in the air. The wind seemed to make music as it blew through the trees. He wanted to stay there. But the cannon fired again, and he heard the bullets above his head. He got up and ran into the forest. At last, he found a road toward his house. It was a wide, straight road. Yet it looked like a road that never had any travelers on it. No farms. No houses on its sides, only tall black trees.
In the tall black trees, the prisoner heard strange voices. Some of them spoke in words that he could not understand.
His neck began to hurt. When he touched it, it felt very large. His eyes hurt so much that he could not close them. His feet moved, but he could not feel the road.
As he walked, he was in a kind of sleep. Now, half-awake, half asleep, he found himself at the door of his house. His lovely wife ran to him. Ah, at last.
He put his arms about his beautiful wife. And just then, he felt a terrible pain in the back of his neck. All around him there was a great white light and the sound of a cannon. And then…then…darkness and silence.
The prisoner was dead. His neck was broken. His body hung at the end of a rope. It kept swinging from side to side. Swinging gently under a hole in Owl Creek Bridge.

Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 13 апреля 2017, 00:32:14
 
   The Most Expensive Suit in the World

     A flying cadet was asked by the examiner:"What suit is the most expensive one in the world?"
     The cadet was lost in guesses.
     "The suit won by Liz Taylor? By Jackie Onassis? By Grace Kelly?"
     "Wrong, cadet", remarks the examiner. "It's the one worn by American astronauts".
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 13 апреля 2017, 23:52:17
                     
They Welcome Them with One Shorter Leg in the Navy

     A draftee said to the draft officer:"You see that I am not fit at all for sea service. My right leg is shorter than the left one."
     "No problem, Norris," said the officer, "the ship deck isn't even."
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 16 апреля 2017, 13:56:15
                                                                 
   More Expensive

     An American cinema company (XX Century Fox) spent a much bigger sum of money (seven times as much, to be exact) than it cost the Japanese to attack Pearl Harbour in 1941 to recreate this attack in the movie "Tora. Tora"..

     N.B. The Japanese sudden and unexpected attack in December, 1941  put an end to the policy of neutrality in the USA.
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 19 апреля 2017, 00:59:27
     
Vacuum

     At communications school a trainee was asked by the instructor:"What is vacuum?"
     "It's in my head, but I can't put it in words," answered the trainee.
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 20 апреля 2017, 19:35:53
     
Vacuum

     At communications school a trainee was asked by the instructor:"What is vacuum?"
     "It's in my head, but I can't put it in words," answered the trainee.


Hahaha! A good one!! But, anyway, he answered correctly!
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 21 апреля 2017, 22:22:48
                                                       
TOO

    Two gold bricks were discussing Army life.
    "We do not have any hard work in our unit stationed in Florida," said one of them. "In winter I just lie on the beach. In summer I lie on the ground in the shade near our barracs while my serge serves me cool drinks. What do you do?"
    "I lie, too," said his friend.
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 26 апреля 2017, 22:43:08
The Deadliest Job in WWII

My high school assignment 
was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served 
in the Philippines during the war, 
I chose him.

After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”

Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 27 апреля 2017, 22:41:23
   
Accident Prevention

     An MP {military police) stopped an Army truck speeding in excess of all limits.
     "Hey, Private," he said. "Why are you racing through town at this rate?"
     "My breaks are out of order," explained the driver, "and I want to get to the unit before there is an accident."
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 27 апреля 2017, 23:53:13
Military Lesson: Never Volunteer

During basic training, our sergeant asked if anyone had 
“artistic” abilities. Having been an architectural draftsman in civilian life, I raised my hand. Then the 
sergeant announced that everyone would get a three-day pass … except me. I would stay behind and neatly print each soldier’s name onto his Army-issued underwear.
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 28 апреля 2017, 00:18:31
   
Zero Level Flight
     
       A traffic cop stopped a speeding car driven by an Air Force officer.
      "Was I driving too fast?" the pilot asked.
      "No, you were flying too low," commented the motor cop.
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 29 апреля 2017, 23:18:43
If You Need Something Done Wrong…

“Next time I send a damn fool, 
I'll go myself.”

—Sgt. Louis Cukela, reportedly said at the 
Battle of Belleau Wood during World War I
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 30 апреля 2017, 01:13:08
   
  Careful Driver

     The traffic MP (military police) was desperate. His tour of duty was almost over and he hadn't caught any military driver yet violating traffic rules. Just then an Army truck passed him and he started pursuing it on his motocycle. He followed the truck for about four miles without a single violation. At last he stopped the driver to congratulate him on his careful driving. Private Marlow looked at the MP with glazed eyes and said thickly:"When you are drunk you gotta drive carefully".
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 01 мая 2017, 20:26:32
The Laziest Man

A Sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said: "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here.
Put up your hand if you are the laziest."
24 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man: "Why didn't you raise your hand?"
The man replied: "Too much trouble raising the hand, Sarge."
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 03 мая 2017, 00:39:02
        About the laziest man! How about trying the trick on our students, DAS?
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 04 мая 2017, 22:55:39
        About the laziest man! How about trying the trick on our students, DAS?

Great Idea! We really should !

Moreover, I believe I can predict who will be the ones, reluctant to raise a hand
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 05 мая 2017, 00:04:09
   
Martial Music Lover

     An army brat told his father who was an Army vet sarge (sergeant}:
     "Daddy, I'd like to get a big drum. You told me you liked martial music."
     "Not at all," said his dad.
     "Don't you worry, daddy," consoled him his brat. "I'll beat the drum only while you are asleep."
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 06 мая 2017, 18:59:57
How to Find a Foxhole

My gunnery sergeant and 
I were inspecting a Marine training exercise when we spotted a second lieutenant ambling about. “Where is your foxhole, Lieutenant?” I asked.

He snapped off a salute and 
responded, “I don’t know, sir!” 
Turning to the sergeant, he asked, “Gunnery, where is my foxhole?”

“You’re standing in it, sir,” said 
the sergeant. “All you have to do is remove the dirt.”
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 13 мая 2017, 22:21:51
What Really Matters
Going over our weekly training schedule one morning at our small Army garrison, we noticed that our annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second time, but that our semi–annual physical-fitness test was still on as planned. "Does it bother anyone else," one soldier asked, "that the Army doesn’t seem concerned with how well we can shoot, yet is extremely interested in how fast we can run?"
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 20 мая 2017, 22:34:36
Disadvantages of Goldbricking

     Private Wells, a notorious company gold brick, summed up his feelings as follows:"There's one thing only I don't like about doing nothing. You can't take a rest."
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 21 мая 2017, 02:30:58
Smile For the Camera

When my husband visited our son, Michael, at boot camp, he found him marching smartly with his unit. Michael’s father proudly approached the soldiers and began to snap photo after photo. Embarrassed and worried about getting into trouble, Michael looked straight ahead and didn’t change his expression.

Suddenly his drill sergeant barked, "Hey, soldier! Give me 25 push-ups. And the next time your daddy wants your picture, you smile!"
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 22 мая 2017, 00:37:47
Suddenly his drill sergeant barked, "Hey, soldier! Give me 25 push-ups. And the next time your daddy wants your picture, you smile!"

     Couldn't agree more. Daddies should be respected by their sons.
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 24 мая 2017, 19:43:02
Bookworm

Having helped prepare the annual budget for my unit, I took the report to the office of the adjutant, who signs all official papers.

He gasped as I handed him the huge sheaf of charts, figures and explanations. "What am I supposed to do with this?" he asked.

"You have to sign it, sir."

"Thank goodness," he said, sighing with relief. "I thought I had to read it.
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 01 июня 2017, 23:29:08
   
Being Always Right

     Private Larkins who had applied for transfer to the Military Police Corps was asked :"Why, Larkins, do you want to be a military policeman? How did you come to join the force?"
     "In civvy street ("гражданка") I was a grocery clerk and I've always wanted to be in business where it's the customer who is always wrong."
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 07 июня 2017, 21:50:14
Based on Water

After being at sea in the Persian Gulf for 90 straight days, I went to the squadron command master chief to complain. "Chief, I joined the Navy to see the world," I said, "but for the past three months all I’ve seen is water."

"Lieutenant," he replied, "three-quarters of the earth is covered with water, and the Navy has been showing you that. If you wanted to see the other quarter, you should have joined the Army."
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 12 июня 2017, 00:29:08
Fear Factor

I served in a parachute regiment. During a nighttime exercise, I was seated next to a young officer. He was looking a bit pale, so I asked, "Scared, lieutenant?"

"No," he replied. "Apprehensive."

"What’s the difference?"

"That means I’m scared, but with a university education."
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 12 июня 2017, 01:07:43
     Про "university  education"  –  очень смешно!
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 13 июня 2017, 10:31:38
     Про "university  education"  –  очень смешно!
:good:
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 15 июня 2017, 22:58:12
Loose Change

There were tons of vending machines on base, and as the supply sergeant, I was responsible for all of them. So I pulled in a private and had him count the money. An hour later, he was finished.

“Good,” I said. “What’s the count?”

He replied, “I have 210 quarters, 180 dimes and 35 nickels.”
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 15 июня 2017, 23:24:43
Life and Fiction

     An Army truck driver was racing down the highway through the Arisons desert when he saw a living human skeleton who was crawling to the highway mutely gesticulating for help.
     The driver remarked:"Yes, I see another Western shot by Holliwood. Those soldiers at the time used to be really picturesque characters."
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 19 июня 2017, 03:05:42
Never Lose A Tank
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 24 июня 2017, 10:21:44
Never Volunteer

During basic training at Fort Leavenworth, our sergeant asked if anyone had 
“artistic” abilities. Having been an architectural draftsman in civilian life, I raised my hand. Then the 
sergeant announced that everyone would get a three-day pass … except me. I would stay behind and neatly print each soldier’s name onto his Army-issued underwear.
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 03 июля 2017, 23:26:48
Hangover at Sea

It was sheer brilliance. The ship’s operations officer entered 
the messdeck, his eyes bleary and at half-mast. He grabbed a bagel and took a seat. Unfortunately, the sun was shining through a porthole right onto his face. Rather than move, he called the bridge: “Hey,” he said, “can you shift the ship 15 degrees? Thanks.”
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 06 июля 2017, 00:56:29
   
Didn't Make Any Difference

     Two GIs were recalling the events of the past day.
     "What did the sergeant say when you answered back?"
     "Nothing. And those two front teeth I wished to have extacted all the same."
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 08 июля 2017, 11:15:14
Dilemma

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders wereclear; no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.

The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, replied, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker
on the windshield."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have
orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on."

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new
at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 08 июля 2017, 23:29:22
     Who do you think he shot in the long run?
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 10 июля 2017, 16:29:09
     Who do you think he shot in the long run?

I suppose he should have been shot for being so stupid and hesitant)
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 10 июля 2017, 16:30:28
Shooting Practice

Sergeant instructor: "WAtch where you're shooting, man! You only just missed me."

Bad marksman: "Sorry, sergeant..."
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 12 июля 2017, 01:25:37
   
Didn't Make Any Difference

     Two GIs were recalling the events of the past day.
     "What did the sergeant say when you answered back?"
     "Nothing. And those two front teeth I wished to have extacted all the same."
     I am repeating this one because it still makes me smile.
     I liked your story about the bad marksman, too. Short and funny.
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 20 июля 2017, 16:55:06
     I am repeating this one because it still makes me smile.
     I liked your story about the bad marksman, too. Short and funny.

Oh yes! The joke about two extracted teeth has been one of the best so far!
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 20 июля 2017, 16:57:06
A Catch

'In which branch of the Army would you like to serve?' questioned the recruiting officer.

'Are you kidding?' inquired the youth. 'You mean I can take my pick?'

'Yeah. Anything but the Women's Army Corps'

'I knew there was a catch in it!'
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 20 июля 2017, 22:15:29
 
The best of the stories I could find at the moment

      Two GIs, who are in the country for holidays, are walking in an orchard. They see that there are a lot of apples on all trees. Only on one tree there are no apples at all. A small country boy is sitting near that tree. They call him: “Come here, boy. Do you know why there are no apples on this tree?” “Of course I do,” answers the boy, “because it’s an oak-tree".
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 22 июля 2017, 13:17:57
The best of the stories I could find at the moment

      Two GIs, who are in the country for holidays, are walking in an orchard. They see that there are a lot of apples on all trees. Only on one tree there are no apples at all. A small country boy is sitting near that tree. They call him: “Come here, boy. Do you know why there are no apples on this tree?” “Of course I do,” answers the boy, “because it’s an oak-tree".

Haha! Imagine the look on their faces !
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 22 июля 2017, 13:32:18
Nationality

When signing up for the englistment one man filled in the blank labeled "Nationality" as "Irish, and proud of it."

Another man, thought for a while and filled in: "Scotch, and fond of it."
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 26 июля 2017, 01:41:29
An Enlistee

"So you want to join the Army. And what position would you like to have in the Army?"

"I would like to be CHief of Staff of a large unit, sir."

"Are you crazy, man?"

"Is it a necessary condition to hold that post sir?"
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 26 июля 2017, 17:00:21
Delayed

"Private, why are you late to fall in for the morning inspection parade?"

"I got delayed because I was shining my shoes for the parade, sergeant."

"And why are you shoes dirty?"

"Because I was in a hurry to fall in for the parade, sergeant."
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 25 августа 2017, 22:44:11
Injustice

Why is that the guy who has the least privacy of anybody else in the army is called a private?
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 28 августа 2017, 01:02:42
     
Repeat Performance

     "But, sergeant," complained the unhappy Army soldier at the clothing room of the reception Army centre. "These shoes you gave me don't match!"
     "That's funny," puzzled the sergeant. "You are the second person this morning who made the same complaint."
   
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 28 августа 2017, 20:01:52
     
Repeat Performance

     "But, sergeant," complained the unhappy Army soldier at the clothing room of the reception Army centre. "These shoes you gave me don't match!"
     "That's funny," puzzled the sergeant. "You are the second person this morning who made the same complaint."
   

It reminded me of another story when supply sergeant explained to the soldiers that the army clothes came only in too sizes, too large and too small.
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 28 августа 2017, 20:04:27
Sunbathing

Sergeant Hard caught a soldier with a single button unfastened.

'Oh,' he sneered. 'Sunbathing, eh Private Brooks?'
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 30 августа 2017, 11:49:05
A Little Late

Sergeant: "Now remember, lads. Drill at seven sharp in the morning!"

Recruit: "Righto, sergeant, but if I'm a little late don't wait for me, will you?"
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 01 сентября 2017, 22:08:11
Operations Forecast

     The unit engineer reported to the unit commander:
     "Sir, the river crossing operation is more doomed to failure."
     "Why do you think so, Hamilton?"
     " When the unit column was moving to the crossing point the road was crossed by an ugly black cat."
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 03 сентября 2017, 23:23:02
Weather Report

The division commander unexpectedly stepped into the barracks. A trembling orderly sprang to attention and in a thin voice said: "Good Morning, sir."

The division commander eyed the private for an age-long second. And then commented confidentially: "When I see you in the future I want a salute, not an inaccurate weather report!"
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 05 сентября 2017, 21:53:12
Weather Report

The division commander unexpectedly stepped into the barracks. A trembling orderly sprang to attention and in a thin voice said: "Good Morning, sir."

The division commander eyed the private for an age-long second. And then commented confidentially: "When I see you in the future I want a salute, not an inaccurate weather report!"
     Funny!
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 07 сентября 2017, 21:13:43
Hello Sarge

A recruit encountered a sergeant one morning. "Hello Sarge!" he exclaimed pleasantly.

The outraged sergeant launched an angry lecture on military courtesy and saluting. "Goodness," said the rookie, "If I'd known you were goin' to carry on like that, I wouldn't have spoken to you at all."
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 08 сентября 2017, 23:24:44
     
Military Weapon

     The woman went into the gun department of an arms shop.
     "I want to buy a revolver", she said. "It's for my husband."
     "Did he tell you what kind to buy?" asked the clerk.
     "I should say not," she replied."He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him yet."
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 09 сентября 2017, 23:25:29
     
Military Weapon

     The woman went into the gun department of an arms shop.
     "I want to buy a revolver", she said. "It's for my husband."
     "Did he tell you what kind to buy?" asked the clerk.
     "I should say not," she replied."He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him yet."

Great!!
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 09 сентября 2017, 23:49:23
Out of Step

One of the recruits was marching out of step. The Sergeant approached, and made the poing in tones tinged with sarcasm: "They're all out of step but you!"

"Well, sergeant, you're in charge. You tell 'em."
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 11 сентября 2017, 01:32:32
     
No Importance

     A naval film was being shot about a war hero. The film director was briefing the actor playing the main part:
     "And then you'll jump from the ship into the stormy sea."
     "But I can't swim!" exclaimed the horrified actor.
     "Never mind", said the director,"this is the last scene in the film."
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 11 сентября 2017, 20:11:37
Disgusted Sergeant

Disgusted sergeant to parade: Of all the dunderheaded, thick-skulled bunch of morons I've ever seen - and I've seen a few - you lot take the cake. Why, I've seen officers that have had more brains than you lot !
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 13 сентября 2017, 18:51:31
Smart Aleck

One sergeant gave an order for the whole company to raise the right leg. One confused draftee raised his left leg in error. The sergeant looked down the line and saw the upraised left leg of one soldier right next to the upraised right leg of the recruit beside him.

"Who is that smart aleck* in the middle of the line," he bellowed, "who raised both legs?"

*A smart aleck, also spelled smart alec, is someone whose sarcastic, wisecracking, or humorous manner is delivered in an offensive, obnoxious, or cocky way.
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 15 сентября 2017, 23:20:06
Shoes and Foot Wear

     "Dear Mom", wrote a recruit, "Army shoes are supposed to fit like a glove, as my sergeant said, but I'd be satisfied if I could just get a pair that fits like shoes."
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 16 сентября 2017, 22:42:55
Shoes and Foot Wear

     "Dear Mom", wrote a recruit, "Army shoes are supposed to fit like a glove, as my sergeant said, but I'd be satisfied if I could just get a pair that fits like shoes."

Nice one!
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 16 сентября 2017, 22:44:15
Lagging behind

"Why are you lagging behind the column, Private Smith?"

"It's not my fault, sir! They are too much in a hurry."
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 17 сентября 2017, 21:45:32
Aiming

"Why have yo got to close one eye when aiming your weapon, Private Sharp?"

"But if I close both my eyes I won't see the target, sergeant."
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 19 сентября 2017, 22:27:39
Music Lovers

The platoon had just come in from afternoon duties and were just about to break up, when the Master Sergeant popped out. "hold on. I got a question for everyone. Who's fond of music? All those fond of music step forward two paces."

With visions of a soft job handling the record-player at the PX, half a dozen men stepped forward, smiling broadly.

"All right," yelled the Master Sergeant. "Platoon dismissed. And you men get busy and carry that grand piano on the basement up to the officer's new quarters on the top floor!"
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 22 сентября 2017, 20:53:33
Volunteers

"I need three volunteers for a fatigue duty. What? - No volunteers from the squad?"

"You, men, don't know the Army ways yet - if there are no voulunteers they are called for. You, you and you."
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 24 сентября 2017, 00:00:27
Vigilance

"How was your guard duty yesterday, TOm?"

"O.K. I was remarkably vigilant. I heard at once the relief sergeant approaching my post thoughI was fast asleep!"
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 26 сентября 2017, 22:21:14
In the Air

A sentry was posted on a rather lonesome country road, with instructions to challenge "All and sundry," as they passed. A car approached, but would not stop on being challenged. The sentry then fired, wounding the driver of the car. He fired again and hit the passenger. On coming up to the car, which had then stopped, he shouted out: "Good thing you stopped, because next time I wouldn't have fired in the air."
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 27 сентября 2017, 22:34:03
     
Normal Flying

     A young pilot knew that his sweetheart was watching him flying from the airfield. To show off he looped the  loop directly over her head. After landing he naturally wanted the flight to be talked over.
     "Were you afraid?" he asked the girl.
     "A bit," she said, "but don't get discouraged. With training you'll learn to fly normally." 
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 30 сентября 2017, 23:49:14
     
Normal Flying

     A young pilot knew that his sweetheart was watching him flying from the airfield. To show off he looped the  loop directly over her head. After landing he naturally wanted the flight to be talked over.
     "Were you afraid?" he asked the girl.
     "A bit," she said, "but don't get discouraged. With training you'll learn to fly normally."

Poor guy, he tried so hard to impress this captious lady!
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 30 сентября 2017, 23:54:02
Flowers

Lieutenant (in rage): "Who is that idiot, who told you to put flowers on the Colonel's desk?"

Private: "The Colonel, sir."

Lieutenant: "Pretty, ain't they?"
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 01 октября 2017, 19:35:40
Blood

Private Jinks: "When I stand on my head, the blood rushes to it. WHy doesn't it rush to my feet now?"

Private Binks: "That's because your feet aren't empty."

Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 02 октября 2017, 01:06:22
Flowers

Lieutenant (in rage): "Who is that idiot, who told you to put flowers on the Colonel's desk?"
Private: "The Colonel, sir."
Lieutenant: "Pretty, ain't they?"
     A very flexible and adaptive guy! Or
     a man with a sense of humor?
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: asdfg от 02 октября 2017, 10:42:37
     A very flexible and adaptive guy! Or
     a man with a sense of humor?

A very flexible and adaptive guy with a sense of humor!
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 03 октября 2017, 17:54:06
I share asdfg's opinion
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 05 октября 2017, 00:26:53
     
Who Brings Ill Luck?

     Mrs. Jenkins, the wife of a pilot, said to her friend: "My husband is terribly superstitious. He's been trying for weeks to get rid of our black cat. He took him up to the plane. He said he would fly to a record height of 100,000 feet and have the cat dropped over the side."
     "What are you worrying about then?" insisted the friend.
     " There's plenty to worry about", replied Mrs. Jenkins. "My husband isn't home yet, but the cat is."
 
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 06 октября 2017, 21:23:23
Ann, I just wonder how the cat managed to land the plane!

(http://www.spletnik.ru/img/__post/dc/dc0920ba21b610a7a8dcdf83b68b9a47_874.jpg)
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 06 октября 2017, 21:35:21
Friend

"Halt - who goes there?"

"Friend - with a bottle!"

"Pass friend. Halt bottle!"
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 08 октября 2017, 22:44:01
Foresight

The instructor warned his men that they must on no account part with their rifles. A couple of nights later Pivate Brown was on guard. The visiting officer approached him and said, "Your rifle is dirty."
He replied, "I don't think so , sir, because I cleaned it."

"Give it to me," said the officer sternly which Brown did. Then the officer said, "Your are a fool, if I were an enemy in English uniform I could have shot you!" To which Brown replied, "I don't think you could, sir, Ive got the clip in my pocket"
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 14 октября 2017, 01:10:45
Ann, I just wonder how the cat managed to land the plane!

(http://www.spletnik.ru/img/__post/dc/dc0920ba21b610a7a8dcdf83b68b9a47_874.jpg)
   
A very nice picture, DAS!
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 14 октября 2017, 23:58:18
 :good:
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 16 октября 2017, 23:50:57
Bean Soup

Inspecting Officer (after tasting the soup): "What is that?"

Mess Sergeant: "It's bean soup, sir"

Officer: "I don't ask you what it has been. Tell me what is it now?"
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 17 октября 2017, 01:41:50
Greater Honour

     The new colonel was reviewing his new outfit he was taking over trying to appear highly democratic to everyone in the line of soldiers.
     He came over to a young boy, looking very shy, and started to speak at the top of his voice to make himself heard.
     "Well, lad, keep your chin up even when adressed by a big man. Here, you can shake my hand and report to your dad that you have shaken the hand of a colonel himself. He'll  sure be proud of such honour befallen to his son. By the way, what's your dad?"
     "A general, sir."
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 19 октября 2017, 05:04:46
What a failure !
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 19 октября 2017, 05:07:56
Unexpected Reply

At an inspection parade the inspector asked a man, "How long have you been in the Army, Private Smith?"

"Too," he answered.

"Too what?" the inspector asked, "two years?"

"No, too long, sir," was the soldier's reply.
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 21 октября 2017, 22:30:40
Coffee

The orderly officer was going his rounds at breakfast in the mess-hall and stopped at one table with the usual question: "Any complaints?"
One soldier jumped at attention and said: "Yes, sir, this coffee tastes of chlorid of lime."
The officer tasted the coffee cautiously. "Nonsense," he pronounced. "It tastes of carbolic acid."
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 23 октября 2017, 19:57:00
   
Continuing the Coffee Topic

     A soldier was having refreshments at one of the Army canteens when his friend came in.
     "Hello, Bill," he said. "What are you drinking there, tea or coffee?"
     "They didn't say," Bill answered sadly.
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 24 октября 2017, 02:26:44
Pie

"What kind of pie do you call this? This is supposed to be a plum pie"
"What does it taste like?"
"Glue."
"Then it's apple pie. THe plum pie tastes like soap."
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 26 октября 2017, 23:34:35
New Cook

Mess Sergeant (sampling new cook's first soup and sneering): "You served in the army during World War II, eh?"

Cook: "Yes, Sergeant, I did. I cooked for two years and wounded twice."

Mess Sergeant: "You're a lucky guy. It's a wonder they didn't kill you."
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 27 октября 2017, 00:16:53
     K.P. (kitchen police):"There's something burning around here."
     Cook:"Sure. It's the meat, but in accordance with regulations, I must keep it in the oven for another 15 minutes."
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 29 октября 2017, 21:57:21
General Grey who wanted to make a show of his being concerned with the welfare of his men blitzed the mess kitchen. There he saw two KP's emerging with a large soup kettle.

"Let me taste that," he ordered.
"But, sir,..."
"No buts! Give me a spoon." Taking a taste the general sputtered.
"You don't call that soup, do you?"
"No, Sir, "replied one of the GI's on KP, "I was trying to tell you, it's dish-water"
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 01 ноября 2017, 18:10:56
     
The Private Knows Shakespeare

     "I have read two plays by Shakespeare."
     "What are they, please?"
     "Romeo and Juliet."



Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 01 ноября 2017, 23:10:58
Hahaha! This one is hilarious!
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 01 ноября 2017, 23:21:13
Angel

An appplicant for enlistment at flying school was interviewed by an officer.

"Do you smoke?" he was asked.
"No."
"Drink?"
"No."
"Swear?"
"No."
"Walk out with girls?"
"No."
"Why the hell, do you want to get wings! You've got them!"
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 02 ноября 2017, 01:21:23
     
A Special Approach to a Piece of Culture

     "I say, Dad", said an Army brat, returning  home, "we gave a wonderful performance at school. A lot of parents came,
     colonels and generals. Some of them had seen it before, but they all had a very good time."
     "How do you know?" asked his father.
     "Why, they laughed all through the play," the boy answered.
     "And what was the play?" the father asked.
     "Hamlet," said the boy.
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 03 ноября 2017, 21:48:53
To what degree should the person be  immersed into military life to consider 'Hamlet' funny, I wonder? However, the performance might have looked a little weird, too.
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 03 ноября 2017, 21:52:45
Harvard University

Private: "I got a brother at Harvard."
Sergeant: "What's he studying?"
Private: "Nothing, they are studying him."
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 07 ноября 2017, 22:47:15
Who is the Best

"Who is the best soldier in your unit?"
"Sergeant Brown, when he is sober."
"Who is the second best soldier in your unit?"
"Sergeant Brown when he is drunk."
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 08 ноября 2017, 20:49:38
Who is the Best

"Who is the best soldier in your unit?"
"Sergeant Brown, when he is sober."
"Who is the second best soldier in your unit?"
"Sergeant Brown when he is drunk."

     Вот это сержант! Нам бы такого!
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 10 ноября 2017, 23:56:58
     Вот это сержант! Нам бы такого!

Ann, универсальный солдат!
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 11 ноября 2017, 00:01:31
Unlucky Robbery

Sgt. Brown was in civilian clothes when the burglar stuck a gun in his back. Brown turned around, applied a judo grip and flundghim across the alley. Then he pounced the burglar and began pummeling him. He blackened his eyes, broke his jaw, fractured his ribs and broke his arm. "Hey mister," cried the burglar - "ain't you gonna call a cop?"
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 12 ноября 2017, 01:01:09
Unlucky Robbery

Sgt. Brown was in civilian clothes when the burglar stuck a gun in his back. Brown turned around, applied a judo grip and flund him across the alley. Then he pounced the burglar and began pummeling him. He blackened his eyes, broke his jaw, fractured his ribs and broke his arm. "Hey mister," cried the burglar - "ain't you gonna call a cop?"
     
Superb!
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 12 ноября 2017, 01:09:05
                               
An Examination in the Military School

Professor:"Are you able to tell me anything about the great English writers of the 17th century?"
Cadet:"They are all dead, sir."
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 12 ноября 2017, 23:53:33
                               
An Examination in the Military School

Professor:"Are you able to tell me anything about the great English writers of the 17th century?"
Cadet:"They are all dead, sir."

He was absolutely right, after all!
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 12 ноября 2017, 23:56:21
Loading Ammo

A party of privates was loading ammon boxes on a truck. "Take it easy, boys," cautioned the sergeant in charge, "Don't drop the boxes that way. Last week a party of seven men were blown to hell when loading a truck."

"Don't worry, Sarge. It can't happen this time. There are only six men including you here."
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 17 ноября 2017, 23:09:02
             
The First Thing You Do

     Officer:"What's the first thing you do in cleaning the rifle?"
     Recruit:"Look at the number."
     Officer:"What for?"
     Recruit:"To make sure I don't clean somebody else's."
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 17 ноября 2017, 23:50:45
What Is the Difference?

A boy asked his father, an ex-serviceman, the difference between a rifle and a machine gun.

"Well, it's like this, it's just as if I spoke and your mother spoke."
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 21 ноября 2017, 22:22:30
Memory

1st Pvt: "My wife has the worst memory in the world."

2nd Pvt: "Forgets everything?"

1st Pvt: "No, she remembers everything!"
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 26 ноября 2017, 00:51:37
No Wonder

     Two sergeants were having a rest in the shade of a tree after having a good supper with drinks. One of then remarked:"John, look, there's an elephant flying over there with long blue and red feather wings!"
     The man expected his companion to be surprised, but the latter wasn't paying the slightest attention to the fantastic phenomenon. The first sergeant exclaimed again:"Look, those elephants are flying in a formation There are about twenty of them!"
     "So what's the fuss?" remarked the second man."Their airfield must be somewhere nearby."
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 27 ноября 2017, 20:53:44
Funny! There is nothing one can surprise a sergeant with!
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 27 ноября 2017, 20:57:21
Asking for Money

"My wife is always asking for money," complained one private to another. "Last week she wanted $200. The day before yesterday she asked me for $125. This morning she wanted $150"

"That's crazy! What does she do with all that money?"

"I don't know, I never give her any."
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 29 ноября 2017, 01:20:23
Asking for Money

"My wife is always asking for money," complained one private to another. "Last week she wanted $200. The day before yesterday she asked me for $125. This morning she wanted $150"
"That's crazy! What does she do with all that money?"
"I don't know, I never give her any."

     Good for him! A modern emancipated woman shouldn't ask for any money! She is supposed to be a breadwinner.
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 29 ноября 2017, 10:26:09
     Good for him! A modern emancipated woman shouldn't ask for any money! She is supposed to be a breadwinner.

Ann, correct me if I'm wrong, but I detect a slight tint of sarcasm in your words) To be frank, I believe parents ought to contribute equally to family budget . Likewise, both of them should  take part in their children's upbringing. The more common activities spouses have, the solider their family life becomes
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 30 ноября 2017, 22:51:56
Ann, correct me if I'm wrong, but I detect a slight tint of sarcasm in your words) To be frank, I believe parents ought to contribute equally to family budget . Likewise, both of them should  take part in their children's upbringing. The more common activities spouses have, the solider their family life becomes
     I accept this point of view.
     By the way, what would you say  if we change the title of the branch into "military humour"?
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 03 декабря 2017, 00:08:22
     I accept this point of view.
     By the way, what would you say  if we change the title of the branch into "military humour"?

Ann, why not? I am all for it!
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: Ann от 04 декабря 2017, 12:56:12
Ann, why not? I am all for it!
     To DAS.
     The title has been changed.
Название: Re: Military stories
Отправлено: DAS от 05 декабря 2017, 21:32:53
     To DAS.
     The title has been changed.

Glad to hear that. To be frank, this title better matches  the purpose of this branch
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 07 декабря 2017, 00:09:52
A Heart-to-Heart Talk

One private asked a sergeant for advice:

"It's like this, Sarge. I've been corresponding with a girl for two years but I never knew what she looked like until this morning, because that's when I got this letter from her with her picture in it. And believe me, she's the ugliest looking creature I've ever seen in my whole life. So now I don't know how to get rid of her. What should I do, Sarge?"

"That's easy," the good sergeant said. "Just send her a picture of yourself."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 08 декабря 2017, 00:27:55
A Heart-to-Heart Talk

One private asked a sergeant for advice:

"It's like this, Sarge. I've been corresponding with a girl for two years but I never knew what she looked like until this morning, because that's when I got this letter from her with her picture in it. And believe me, she's the ugliest looking creature I've ever seen in my whole life. So now I don't know how to get rid of her. What should I do, Sarge?"

"That's easy," the good sergeant said. "Just send her a picture of yourself."

     I can't help laughing!
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 08 декабря 2017, 00:40:43
   
  Bad Broth

     Two ship-wrecked cooks were washed ashore and  captured by a band of hungry cannibals. The cannibal cook appraised the victims and said to his cannibal chief:
     "Shall I stew both cooks?"
     "Better not, one is enough," said the thief. "Too many cooks spoil the broth."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 08 декабря 2017, 16:47:16
   
  Bad Broth

     Two ship-wrecked cooks were washed ashore and  captured by a band of hungry cannibals. The cannibal cook appraised the victims and said to his cannibal chief:
     "Shall I stew both cooks?"
     "Better not, one is enough," said the thief. "Too many cooks spoil the broth."

Funny! An innovative and unusual approach to a well-known proverb!
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 15 декабря 2017, 01:25:43
   
Reducing

     The unit commander summoned Sergeant Lawrence.
     "Sergeant, you are terribly overweight."
     "Yes, sir."
     "We have to resort to drastic reducing measures, sergeant.'
     "Yes, sir."
     "We'll start you cut slowly - skip breakfast, lunch and dinner and only then supper!"
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 16 декабря 2017, 13:16:29
How magnanimous of them!  :biggrin:
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 16 декабря 2017, 15:15:34
In a Military Academy

     "Our professor of history talks to himself. Does yours?"
     " Yes, but he doesn't realise it. He thinks we are listening to him."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 18 декабря 2017, 00:01:15
Forgot

A/C Higgins was on a charge for the fourth time in the same week. The CO demanded sternly:

"Did you call the sergeant a liar?"
"I did, sir."
"And a louse?"
"Yes, sir."
"And did you also say he was a common, knock-need, dirty-tongued little rat?"
"No sir," he said regretfully, - "I forgot to call him so"
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 22 декабря 2017, 00:10:52
One Private to Another

     "Why is our sergeant always in a bad temper?"
     "Because he is worried not only by his own failures, but also by the success of other people."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 22 декабря 2017, 19:53:50
Point of View

CO: "We claim to be the second best outfit in the Army."

New ADjutant: "Second best? Who claims to be the first?"

CO: "All the others."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 25 декабря 2017, 00:02:32
Message

"Why haven't you delivered that message in time as instructed?"

" I did the best I could, sir!"

"The best you could! Why, if I had known I was going to send a donkey, I would have gone myself."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 27 декабря 2017, 23:48:58
Getting Ready for the Fishing Season

     "Is your sergeant getting ready for the fishing season?"
     "Well, I saw him buying an enlarging device for his camera."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 29 декабря 2017, 00:45:57
Getting Ready for the Fishing Season

     "Is your sergeant getting ready for the fishing season?"
     "Well, I saw him buying an enlarging device for his camera."

I can recall one of my uncles doing just the same thing!
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 04 января 2018, 15:18:23
Not Easy

A weary Lieutenant sat down for lunch in the officers' mess one day. As he unfolded his napkin, he was astonished to discover that the captain was reading his paper upside down. He observed this phenomenon for  a moment and tapped the captain lightly on the shoulder: "Pardon me, Captain," he said, "but I wonder if you realize you are reading that newspaper upside down."

"Certainly, I realize it," barked the captain. " And do you think it's easy?"
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 04 января 2018, 21:51:38
Learn to Swim by Swimming

     A future sailor was anxious to learn swimming because swimming was one of his entrance requirements for the naval school. But at his first attempt at swimming he was nearly drowned.
     When he came to himself, his first words were:" I'll never try to swim until I'm a complete master of this art."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 07 января 2018, 00:11:00
Some people nowadays are so good at theory that they forget about practical implementation.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 08 января 2018, 20:06:33
Monkey
         

Whie the CO was on leave the regimental mascot, a chimpanzee, succumbed to old age and over-indulgence and died. The adjutant, uncertain how to proceed, sent the following wire to his colonel: "Monkey dead. Shall we replace it or wait till you come back?"                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 12 января 2018, 23:30:11
A Sense of Humour

The Colonel returned in a very good humour from lunch and called the whole staff to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but the private-secretary in the corner laughed uproariously.
"What's the matter?" grumbled the brass hat. "Haven't you got a sense of humour?"
"I don't have to laugh," said the guy. "I'm leaving on Friday anyhow."

Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 13 января 2018, 19:32:55
 
        Rank Happy

     Two young lieutenants were discussing where they should go on Sunday.
     "I don't want to go to the city park," said one.  "Too many privates."
     "I guess the cinema is out, too," observed the other. "Too many privates."
     A private who happened to overhear them spoke up:"Excuse me, gentlemen, but if you are looking for a place where there are no privates, why don't you go to hell?"
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 15 января 2018, 23:10:02
Logic in the Army
"THis computer," says the efficiency expert, "will cut your work in half."

Private: "Good, I'll take two."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 21 января 2018, 22:28:07
     
One Lieutenant to Another

     "Is your wife economical?"
     "Sometimes. She had only twenty six candles on her fortieth birthday last night."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 22 января 2018, 03:58:52
I used to know someone like that
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 03 февраля 2018, 01:30:00
Air Courage

     A very bashful young sergeant didn't dare to speak to a girl who was a passenger of the plane flying high in the air.
     At last he summoned his courage and asked: "Pardon, you are also flying in this plane?"
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 03 февраля 2018, 12:59:11
Air Courage

     A very bashful young sergeant didn't dare to speak to a girl who was a passenger of the plane flying high in the air.
     At last he summoned his courage and asked: "Pardon, you are also flying in this plane?"

Some men sometimes feel awkward and say do ridiculous things due to embarassment.
Do you?
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 03 февраля 2018, 13:09:35
Optimism and Pessimism

Flying instructors say that pilot trainees are divided into optimists and pessismists when reporting the amount of fuel during flights. Optimists report that their fuel tank is half full while pessimists say it's half empty.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 09 февраля 2018, 00:19:46
In a Military Hospital

     Patient:"But, doctor, are you sure I'll be better? I have heard of cases where the doctor has made a wrong diagnosis and treated someone of pneumonia who afterward died of typhoid fever."
     Doctor:"Nonsense! When I treat a patient for pneumonia, he dies of pneumonia."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 09 февраля 2018, 22:03:45
An Ultimatum

One soldier to another: "If you don't stop telling lies about me, I will start telling truth about you."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 13 февраля 2018, 00:54:05
An Ultimatum

One soldier to another: "If you don't stop telling lies about me, I will start telling truth about you."
     Good answer! It could be used in civilian life, too.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 14 февраля 2018, 09:58:56
In a Military Hospital

     Patient:"But, doctor, are you sure I'll be better? I have heard of cases where the doctor has made a wrong diagnosis and treated someone of pneumonia who afterward died of typhoid fever."
     Doctor:"Nonsense! When I treat a patient for pneumonia, he dies of pneumonia."

 A real professional in his field !
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 20 февраля 2018, 20:23:00
Drop of Blood

The Congressman was delivering a windy speech of welcome to some soldiers back from the war.

"We are really one, my friends," he declared pompously, "in that we all love our country dearly and are willing to shed our last drop of blood for it."

"Did you ever notice," whispered one soldier to another," that those who are always shouting about shedding their last drop of blood are never the ones to shed the first?"

Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 04 марта 2018, 10:55:20
Skipping Dinner

A certain colonel, with a well-earned reputation, phoned his wife one evening shortly after 7. "I'll have to skip dinner again darling," he told her. "I am working on something very important."

"Why don't you bring the work home with you?" suggested his wife, acidly. "I'd like to meet her,too."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 06 марта 2018, 01:56:27
   
  Both Were on Duty

     An officer parked his car in "No Rarking" zone. To be on the safe side, he put on a note:"Pardon me. Am here on duty."
     When he came back, he found near his note an MP's ticket:"Pardon me. So am I."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 06 марта 2018, 23:26:32
   
  Both Were on Duty

     An officer parked his car in "No Rarking" zone. To be on the safe side, he put on a note:"Pardon me. Am here on duty."
     When he came back, he found near his note an MP's ticket:"Pardon me. So do I."

A snappy answer that was!
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 08 марта 2018, 01:31:59
A snappy answer that was!

Was it really?
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 08 марта 2018, 10:48:50
Was it really?

I do think so. But shouldn't it have been : "So am I" ?
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 11 марта 2018, 00:46:27
I do think so. But shouldn't it have been : "So am I" ?
Of course, it shouldn't - "snappy" is much better. I just wanted to see your reaction.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 11 марта 2018, 12:51:58
Of course, it shouldn't - "snappy" is much better. I just wanted to see your reaction.

Ann, now I get what you mean.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 13 марта 2018, 01:29:06
     I am repeating my favorite one
Didn't Make Any Difference

     Two GIs were recalling the events of the past day.
     "What did the sergeant say when you answered  back?"
     "Nothing. And those two front teeth I wanted to have extracted all the same!"
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 13 марта 2018, 21:58:03
     I am repeating my favorite one
Didn't Make Any Difference

     Two GIs were recalling the events of the past day.
     "What did the sergeant say when you answered  back?"
     "Nothing. And those two front teeth I wanted to have extracted all the same!"

Severe but eternal military humour!
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 15 марта 2018, 01:26:25
Severe but eternal military humour!
     If you ask me it doesn't look severe to me at all. It's so very absurd and unrealistic and I certainly take it funny.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 15 марта 2018, 16:10:51
     If you ask me it doesn't look severe to me at all. It's so very absurd and unrealistic and I certainly take it funny.

I meant the situation was severe for a poor man. But I also find it one of the funniest so far!
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 20 марта 2018, 21:44:52
Lamb

One sailor to another:

"What happened when you asked the captain for a shore leave?"

"Well, he was like a lamb."

"What did he say?"

"Baa."

Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 20 марта 2018, 23:19:41
     What does this "baa" mean?
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 21 марта 2018, 08:37:18
     What does this "baa" mean?

this is a sound produced by a little sheep
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 03 апреля 2018, 23:45:08
Now Evident

     A soldier on leave swallowed his watch when drunk  and was rushed to the doctor who fluoroscoped him and showed him the X-ray photograph. The soldier cried out: "My God! I'm fifteen minutes late to the barracks".
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 05 апреля 2018, 09:09:06
Now Evident

     A soldier on leave swallowed his watch when drunk  and was rushed to the doctor who fluoroscoped him and showed him the X-ray photograph. The soldier cried out: "My God! I'm fifteen minutes late to the barracks".

In any situation - never forget about your duty!
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 05 апреля 2018, 09:14:54
Disguise

A private ran to his General, sending a message from the front lines. He was in utter distress.
"Sir! We are outnumbered three to one, and..."

"Private! Get me my red shirt," he interrupted, "When I bleed in battle, I don't want the soldiers to be discouraged."

"Sir! You don't understand, they have battalions of heavy artillery, and their tanks are twice the..."

The General interrupted again, "Private! Get me my brown pants..."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 08 апреля 2018, 10:02:21
Camouflage

The sergeant-major shouted at the young soldier, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning, soldier."

The soldier replied, "Thank you very much, Sir."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 20 апреля 2018, 00:01:12
Unclassified

     A GI home on short leave was extremely unwilling to return to his unit so he had the cheek of calling his CO (commanding officer) on the phone to tell him that illness had caused a delay in his arrival.
     "I'm sick, sir," he said on the phone, "I have laryngitis."
     "Then why aren't you whispering, Nicholson?" asked the CO.
     "Why should I?" the soldier was surprised. "It ain't no military secret."



     
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 25 апреля 2018, 19:11:24
Justice in the Army

During training exercises, a lieutenant was driving down a muddy back road when he came across another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

As the lieutenant pulled alongside he asked, "Is your jeep stuck, sir?"

"No," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 05 мая 2018, 10:45:50
Justice in the Army

During training exercises, a lieutenant was driving down a muddy back road when he came across another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

As the lieutenant pulled alongside he asked, "Is your jeep stuck, sir?"

"No," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

     Justice is everywhere the same! I should say in the Army it is at least more predictable.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 07 мая 2018, 10:55:19
  I should say in the Army it is at least more predictable.

Incredibly predictable, I would say.. I experienced it myself quite a number of times and learned it the hard way
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 07 мая 2018, 11:00:07
Philosophy

        The Company Commander and the First Sergeant were in the field. As they hit the sack for the night, the First Sergeant said, "Sir, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"
        The CO said, "I see millions of stars."
        1st Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?"
        CO: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?"
        1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 08 мая 2018, 00:18:13
Incredibly predictable, I would say.. I experienced it myself quite a number of times and learned it the hard way
     How come?
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 08 мая 2018, 21:10:59
     How come?

I used to be engaged in numerous activities without specific goals. The only purpose was to keep the soldiers busy.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 15 мая 2018, 23:57:56
Experience

        Shortly after joing the Army, some inductees were standing in a line when the sergeant stepped forward with day's assignments. He handed several tasks out and then asked, "Does anyone here have experience with radio communications?"
        A longtime ham radio operator, I shouted, "I do!"
        "Good," he said. "You can dig the hole for the new telephone pole.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 17 мая 2018, 00:14:16
   
Good and Bad

     The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: " Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good. Private Buford will be setting the race on our morning run."
    With this the platoon was overjoyed. Private Buford was overweight and so terribly slow that the run could become a treat with a leader like that. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement:"Now for the bad news. Private Buford will be driving a car."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 17 мая 2018, 16:57:51
   
Good and Bad

     The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: " Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good. Private Buford will be setting the race on our morning run."
    With this the platoon was overjoyed. Private Buford was overweight and so terribly slow that the run could become a treat with a leader like that. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement:"Now for the bad news. Private Buford will be driving a car."

Ahaha! This was a good one, that was! Speaking about military justice and its predictability ...
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 26 мая 2018, 01:54:27
     
This is How Usurpers Grow up

 
     "Peter, why is your sister crying?"
     "I am eating my apple."
     "So what?"
     "I don't know. She was also crying when I was eating her apple, too."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 27 мая 2018, 23:18:44
Worse Punishment?
        An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.
        The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.
        When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 40 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 31 мая 2018, 19:46:03
Double Maneuver (Command Decision)

    The soldier was tired and sleepy from a long train ride in a miserable old-day coach. On top of this, two fussy old ladies were keeping him awake with arguments about a window. One wanted it closed and the other wanted it open. This fuss finally brought the conductor.
     "Conductor," said the one, "if that window is opened, I'll  just freeze to death."
     "And if it's kept closed," whined the other, "I'll suffocate."
     However much the conductor tried, he couldn't settle the argument and finally he turned to the GI for help.
     "It's you, soldier, who can help me. What would you do if it were a military problem?"
     "In the Army we handle such problems like a double-prong attack: open the window and freeze one of them, then close it and suffocate the other."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 31 мая 2018, 23:59:31
Killed two birds with one stone!
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 03 июня 2018, 12:03:30
Military etiquette

        Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
        Soldier: Sure, buddy.
        Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?
        Soldier: No, SIR!
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 30 июня 2018, 23:46:42
Losses

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 19 июля 2018, 22:47:32
There's Always Hope

     A man whished to buy a cottage in the country, but hesitated. "It's the ugly biulding in front that deters me," he said to the owner. "It impedes the view of the country side".
     "Well," said the owner. "May it not bother you. It is a powder plant. It may blow up at any moment."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 23 июля 2018, 14:43:13
Hope that gave him a sense of relief!
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 23 июля 2018, 14:50:41
Secret

A famous Admiral and an equally famous General were fishing together when a sudden storm hit. When it died down both renowned warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.

The Admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the General, using an oar.

Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found out I can't swim I'd be disgraced."

"Don't worry," the general said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 25 июля 2018, 21:12:57
Hope that gave him a sense of relief!

     I'm afraid I don't  exactly understand what you mean, DAS. What sense of relief is meant here? And who got the sense of relief?
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 01 августа 2018, 09:38:58
     I'm afraid I don't  exactly understand what you mean, DAS. What sense of relief is meant here? And who got the sense of relief?

Ann, the person, who wanted to buy the house, got the sense of relief after he had realised the building, which impeded the view of the country-side, was the powder plant.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 12 августа 2018, 00:16:13
Army Celebrity

     The password for tonight is "Byron" says the officer on the deck to the  guard commander.
     "By the way who that Byron fella was?"
     "Never heard about Byron, sir?" exclaims the officer on the deck in surprise. "He was the best craps shooter in our company."
     
     
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 13 августа 2018, 10:27:21
Hiccups

A Former Marine aviator wanted to show off his new twin-engine plane. His friend was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, they were caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around them. Next, they lost the radio and most of the instruments. Then the left engine started coughing.

As they were being tossed around in the sky, pilot said, “Uh-oh!”

Fearing the worst, his friend asked, “What’s wrong now?”

The pilot replied, “I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 17 августа 2018, 00:03:33
   
Impossible

          Private Biddles appeared in his unit at last late in the night, but without his truck he was supposed to drive.
     "Where is your truck?" shouted his commander.
          "It's in the forest about two milea from here, sir,' reported the driver.
          "Why didn't you bring it here?"
          "It's too dark to find all the parts, sir."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 17 августа 2018, 11:14:49
Aw, that was an unexpected turn of events!
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 18 августа 2018, 22:45:04
Only One Obstacle

          A young man wishing to join the Navy was asked:
     "Can you swim?"
     "Yes, I'm a great swimmer. Once I even wanted to swim the English Channel."
     "So what prevented you?"
     "I didn't know a word of French."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 20 августа 2018, 09:56:37
Photographs

A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.
Please keep your photo and return the others.”
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 23 августа 2018, 23:35:51
     Military Training

     A veteran father was boasting that he was preparing his small son for a military career.
     "How do you do that?" he was asked.
     "To begin with, I teach him boxing and self defence. When he becomes a soldier, he'll be able to defend himself."
     "But suppose he meets a superior enemy, then?" the listener asked.
     "I've thought about that!" said the father. "I give him a good deal of training in running fast across any terrain and overcoming an obstacle course."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 24 августа 2018, 08:33:28
This is true. People with fast legs have practically nothing to be afraid of.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 26 августа 2018, 13:36:37
This is true. People with fast legs have practically nothing to be afraid of.

     If you mean fast and flexible and adaptive brain by the fast legs.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 26 августа 2018, 20:29:40

     If you mean fast and flexible and adaptive brain by the fast legs.

    Oh no! I literally meant it! Having fast legs is the best way to avoid physical punishment especially against a superior enemy. But you are absolutely right - fast, flexible and adaptive brain has always proved to be the best possible asset in one's arsenal.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 28 августа 2018, 13:14:05
In Case of a Crash

Before his first solo flight a cadet stammered fearfully:

"Suppose the plane should crash?"

"Don't be in the least concerned about that," his flying instructor comforted him. "We always keep an extra plane in the hangar for just such emergencies."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 30 августа 2018, 00:30:28
In Case of a Crash

Before his first solo flight a cadet stammered fearfully:
"Suppose the plane should crash?"
"Don't be in the least concerned about that," his flying instructor comforted him. "We always keep an extra plane in the hangar for just such emergencies."

     Very comforting!
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 30 августа 2018, 10:19:46
     Very comforting!

Very comforting indeed!
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 05 сентября 2018, 00:48:50
No Rival

     A soldier was stopped by an MP in the street.     
     "This place is off limits for the military personnel, soldier," the cop remarked.
     "Who says this?" the indignant man asked.
     "It's an order of General Manson!"
     "What an idiot!" commented the soldier.

     And he was immedeately taken to the Provost Marshal.
     "Sir,"reported the policeman,"he called our general commander an idiot."
     'I didn't mean our general commander, sir," exclaimed the soldier. "It's the commander of the neighboring garrison that I mean."
     "He is telling the damned lie," exclaimed the policeman. "He meant just our garrison commander. It is known to everyone that there is no greater idiot in the whole world than our garrison commander."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 06 сентября 2018, 00:23:27
The poor guy let himself down
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 06 сентября 2018, 00:33:34
A Spin

During a training dual flight the plane went into a spin. The student pilot asked his partner in horror: "Sir, what have I got to do now?"

"Oh, God, aren't you instructor?"
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 07 сентября 2018, 00:39:09
A Spin

During a training dual flight the plane went into a spin. The student pilot asked his partner in horror: "Sir, what have I got to do now?"
"Oh, God, aren't you instructor?"

     I didn't understand the humour.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 07 сентября 2018, 06:14:17
     I didn't understand the humour.

Neither did I, it's British military humour.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 15 сентября 2018, 00:40:00
Monkey
         

Whie the CO was on leave the regimental mascot, a chimpanzee, succumbed to old age and over-indulgence and died. The adjutant, uncertain how to proceed, sent the following wire to his colonel: "Monkey dead. Shall we replace it or wait till you come back?"                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

     After looking through a number of the "Military Humour" stories I found the above one and can't help laughing.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 16 сентября 2018, 20:19:55
     After looking through a number of the "Military Humour" stories  I found the above one and can't help laughing.

    Can't help agreeing with you, Ann. Such blunders always bring the fun
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 20 сентября 2018, 22:52:41
Well-disciplined

     A sergeant was giving evidence in the court martial about some brawl in a local bar involving some men in the garrison.
     "I was in this tavern, and a fight started between the privates. Pretty soon tables and chairs were flying all over the place, guys were coming at each other with broken beer bottles and knives and smashing everything and I was just in the middle of it."
     "Why didn't you try to stop it?" he was asked by a court member.
     "I didn't want to start any real trouble, sir," replied the sergeant.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 23 сентября 2018, 20:28:28
A Record

Come-to-Grief Airman: "I was trying to make a record."

Farmer: "Well, you've made it. You are the first man in these parts who climbed down a tree without having to climb it up first."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 16 октября 2018, 21:09:50
Sport Lover

     The platoon commander asked a soldier:"Did you go in for any sport in civvy street?"("гражданка").
     "Yes! Football, baseball, volleyball, cricket, swimming, hockey, box..."
     "Oh!",exclaimed the impressed officer. "It was rather hard for you, wasn't it?"
     "Yes, indeed it was," replied the sportsman. "It took me a lot of dough to buy tickets for all these matches."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 17 октября 2018, 20:41:49
A rather common case.. I know quite a few of such 'sportsmen'.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 18 октября 2018, 00:52:48
A rather common case.. I know quite a few of such 'sportsmen'.
     Do you belong to this category?
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 18 октября 2018, 21:04:42
     Do you belong to this category?

     Oh no! Not me! I prefer participating to watching.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 22 октября 2018, 21:35:30
Hasty Conclusion

"I packed my parachute myself, said the nervous student pilot, but I'm sure that when I jump out it won't open."

"In my opinion you are jumping to a hasty conclusion," replied the instuctor.

"And what must I do, if it doesn't open?"

"Oh, you just bring it back and I'll get you another one."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 24 октября 2018, 00:50:53
A Sad Story about a Military Interpreter

    "He is very good at languages. I'm sure he'll make a good military interpreter."
     "Really? The interpreter must be able to speak in public, and he has a stage fright."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 24 октября 2018, 10:49:34
I used to have stage fright in my adolescence.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 25 октября 2018, 22:42:11
The Moment of Alarm

Two crows were flying along slowly minding their own business enjoying the scenery, when all of a sudden out of the blue an F/A-18E/F Super Hornet goes screaming past, barely missing the now somersaulting, and wildly flapping crows.

"Oh my God!" exclaims one crow in surprise. "He was sure moving!"

The other crow replies: "I reckon you would be too if you had two backsides and both of them were alight!"
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 28 октября 2018, 01:02:25
I used to have stage fright in my adolescence.


     Most people have it and not only in their adolescence.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 20 ноября 2018, 01:21:24
Three Rules of the Military Interpreter

    1. Arrange the mike so that people won't hear you.
    2. First speak, then think.
    3. Realising what you said, don't get upset.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 21 ноября 2018, 10:47:53
Complaining

"Can it happen that my parachute does not open?" a jumping instructor was asked.

"No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening in this here unit," was the answer.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 26 ноября 2018, 23:28:44
The Moment of Alarm

Two crows were flying along slowly minding their own business enjoying the scenery, when all of a sudden out of the blue an F/A-18E/F Super Hornet goes screaming past, barely missing the now somersaulting, and wildly flapping crows.
"Oh my God!" exclaims one crow in surprise. "He was sure moving!"
The other crow replies: "I reckon you would be too if you had two backsides and both of them were alight!"

     It reminds me of the absurd theatre which I used to read about when I was working on my thesis.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 28 ноября 2018, 10:03:27
Only Then

Two young American boys were discussing the problem of their imminent draft.

"May be we better volunteer before they take us all the same," suggested one.

"Let's toss the coin, if it stands on its edge, then we'll volunteer."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 09 декабря 2018, 00:34:42
Justified Delay

     The telephone rang in the company commander's office.
     "Sir, this is Sergeant Evans reporting. There has been a big fight going on in the bar across the street between our lads and the marines for about two hours."
     "For two hours and you are reporting it only now?"
     "Yes, sir, but at first our men were winning."
 
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 05 января 2019, 13:06:20
Six Hours

"It took me six hours to reach the ground after I left the plane," a parachutist boasted.

"My! What altitude did you jump at?"

"Why, 6,000 feet. But my chute got caught in a tree and I was hanging there for six hours until rescued."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 05 января 2019, 23:25:07
I used to have stage fright in my adolescence.

     And now?
     By the way, looking at the parents of our pupils during our meetings and performances I'm coming to the conclusion that many grown up people do have it.
   
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 06 января 2019, 12:34:55
     And now?
     By the way, looking at the parents of our pupils during our meetings and performances I'm coming to the conclusion that many grown up people do have it.
   


     Now I don't have it. And I can't speak for other people.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 18 января 2019, 00:34:14

     Now I don't have it. And I can't speak for other people.

     If so, think of a part you could play during our Love Day.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 23 января 2019, 00:12:18
     If so, think of a part you could play during our Love Day.

How long time, DAS, am I supposed to wait for your answer?

 
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 23 января 2019, 00:34:08

How long time, DAS, am I supposed to wait for your answer?

 

As soon as I know more about the event, I will be able to make up my mind.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 23 января 2019, 00:44:51
As soon as I know more about the event, I will be able to make up my mind.

     Then show some initiative and ask me, DAS.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 23 января 2019, 00:48:56
     Then show some initiative and ask me, DAS.

    I look forward to talking to you face-to-face whenever it is convenient.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 25 января 2019, 00:01:25
Ann, the texts we were talking about are in the news branch.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 25 января 2019, 00:12:39
Army Chef

A fat army chef said to an exessively thin soldier.

"Looking at you, you blinking skeleton, anyone would think there had been a famine here!"

"Yes, and one look at you would tell them who caused it," replied the soldier.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 06 марта 2019, 01:56:26
     
In a Military Hospital

     "My dear doctor, I suffer much with my eyes!"
     "Be patient, colonel, you would probably suffer more without them."
     
 
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 06 марта 2019, 10:00:02
One Squadron-Leader who had just been promoted to Group-Captain was bursting with pride at his upgrading. He was sitting in his new office when there came a knock on the door.

"Come in!' he called, and as the door opened he picked his phone and said, "Very well, Marshal, Thank you, Marshal. Good-bye."

He put down the receiver and said to the soldier who had just entered, "Well, what is it?"

"I've just come to re-connect your phone, sir."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 16 марта 2019, 00:43:13
     One Squadron-Leader who had just been promoted to Group-Captain was bursting with pride at his upgrading.....

I like the Group-Captain's behaviour: people are so overburdened by the speed of events they can not make a pause and take time for being happy.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 16 марта 2019, 12:00:19
     One Squadron-Leader who had just been promoted to Group-Captain was bursting with pride at his upgrading.....

I like the Group-Captain's behaviour: people are so overburdened by the speed of events they can not make a pause and take time for being happy.

      In today's fast-moving world this situation is rather commonplace.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 21 марта 2019, 21:43:14
Worth Anything

The following sign was posted near a military base:

"Don't smoke round the tank. If your life isn't worth anything, gasoline is!"
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: asdfg от 06 апреля 2019, 11:33:47
Turn Left

I was in a cab today and the cab driver said,
“I love my job, I’m my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do.”

Then I said, “Turn Left”.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 27 апреля 2019, 15:44:19
Aiming

"Why do you have to close one eye when you are aiming your weapon, Private Sharp?"

"Because if I close both my eyes, I won't see the target, sergeant."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 01 мая 2019, 15:33:44
Going the Whole Hog

     The wife was reprimanding her sergeant huusband who was proudly showing off his new medal "For Bravery".
"Fred, you'd better take off that thing. You shouldn't parade your courage so conspicuously."
     "All right", agreed the hubby obediently, "only then I'd rather remove the wedding ring".

Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 03 мая 2019, 08:48:24
Going the Whole Hog

     The wife was reprimanding her sergeant huusband who was proudly showing off his new medal "For Bravery".
"Fred, you'd better take off that thing. You shouldn't parade your courage so conspicuously."
     "All right", agreed the hubby obediently, "only then I'd rather remove the wedding ring".

     Clever answer!
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 20 мая 2019, 11:04:33
A Valuable Dog

     A sentry near in the army camps was bitten by a valuable dog of one of the neighbouring estates, and in self-defense drove his bayonet into the animal.The owner brought charges against him to retrieve its value.

   "Why did you not knock him with the butt end of your rifle?"

   "Why didn't he bite me with his tail?"
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 26 мая 2019, 16:25:38
Soldier

     A very awkward recruit was writing home to his mother when his sergeant entered the barrack-room and strode purposefully over to him. "writing to your mother?" he demanded to know.

"Yes sergeant," replied the youth.

"I suppose she was very upset when you left for a soldier, eh?"

"Yes, she was, sergeant."

"Well, you can just tell her not to fret anymore. Because even if you stay in this man's army for fifty years - you'll never become a soldier!"
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 02 июня 2019, 00:24:07
Soldier

     A very awkward recruit was writing home to his mother when his sergeant entered the barrack-room and strode purposefully over to him. "writing to your mother?" he demanded to know.
"Yes sergeant," replied the youth.
"I suppose she was very upset when you left for a soldier, eh?"
"Yes, she was, sergeant."
"Well, you can just tell her not to fret anymore. Because even if you stay in this man's army for fifty years - you'll never become a soldier!"

     I've seen a number of American films in which sergeants are brute and very masculine. I wonder what they really are.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: asdfg от 23 июля 2019, 13:17:04
      During training exercises, the Lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.

     "Your car stuck, sir?" asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
      "Nope," replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: asdfg от 24 июля 2019, 09:19:06
A Job Well Done

 The Sergeant-Major growled at the young soldier: "I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning."
"Thank you very much, sir."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: asdfg от 25 июля 2019, 07:14:42
     At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been cancelled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.

     One soldier mused: "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 25 июля 2019, 12:12:35
Blood

Pvt. 1: "When I stand on my head, the blood rushes to it. Why doesn't it rush to my feet now?"

Pvt. 2: "Because your feet aren't empty."

Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: asdfg от 27 июля 2019, 19:10:53
     The company commander and the sergeant were in the field. As they go to bed for the night, the first sergeant said: "Sir, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"
The commander said: "I see millions of stars."
Sgt: "And what does that tell you, sir?"

The commander:"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?"

Sgt: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: asdfg от 28 июля 2019, 08:22:05
Which мonth do soldiers hate?

March!
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 31 июля 2019, 10:37:29
Which мonth do soldiers hate?

March!

Undoubtedly !
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 31 июля 2019, 10:39:14
Red Cap

"The cheek of that red cap! He glared at me as if I hadn't my pass."

"And what did you do?"

"I glared back as if I had."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 17 октября 2019, 19:21:25
Artillery

"Daddy, what is artillery?"

"Must be what the little girl next door plays on the piano."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 03 ноября 2019, 12:59:06
Artillery

"Daddy, what is artillery?"
"Must be what the little girl next door plays on the piano."

    I've been fortunate not to have any girls playing on the pano next door.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 04 ноября 2019, 19:03:04
    I've been fortunate not to have any girls playing on the pano next door.

    You've been in luck, then. I used to have such neighbours.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 05 ноября 2019, 18:28:12
Who Went There?

The sentry heard the noise, fired twice, then shouted, "Who went there?"
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 10 декабря 2019, 23:54:20
Disrespect for a Superior

     The sergeant has been berating a private for a long time:"Private Milton, your disgraceful conduct is a glaring example of insurbordination and insolence towards a superior!" he shouted.
     "But, sergeant, you've been talking for a whole hour and I haven't said a word. Where do you see 'insurbordination and insolence' towards a superior?"
     "No, you haven't said anything", snapped the sergeant, " but you have been listening in a most aggravating manner and I am not going to stand it."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 11 декабря 2019, 10:35:48
Waterwalking

A famous Admiral and an equally famous General were fishing together when a sudden storm hit. When it died down both renowned warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.

The Admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the General, using an oar.

Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found out I can't swim I'd be disgraced."

"Don't worry," the general said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 27 декабря 2019, 21:26:42
He's no Fool, Is He?

     A man who has volunteered for the Army and then thought better was late to report to the reception centre. When asked by the recruiting officer about explanations, he pleaded for a little more time to settle his affairs.
     "All right, I'll give you three more days," the officer said, "and no more."
     "Okay", said the prospective serviceman,"I'll take Christmas, Fourth of July and the New Year's."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 28 декабря 2019, 16:48:24
Savvy soldier!
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 29 декабря 2019, 17:15:42
Both were on Duty

An officer parked his car in "No PArking zone". To be on the safe side he put up a note: "Pardon me, I'm on duty."

When he came back, he found an MP's ticket near his note: "Pardon me. So am I."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 03 марта 2020, 21:12:32
Inferiority Complex

     Private Milton went to the psychiatrist and complained: "I have an inferiority complex."
"Nothing I can do for you", said the doc. "In the Army privates don't have an inferiority complex... they're just inferior..."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 04 марта 2020, 17:46:13
Inferiority Complex

   ... they're just inferior..."

Fair enough!
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 04 марта 2020, 18:04:14
One-Point Landing

An airman went dashing into the station instructor's office.
"Sir, sir. It's Mr. Jackson, sir. He has just made a one point landing!"
"How did he manage that?"
"He's stuck on the church steeple sir."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 16 марта 2020, 20:20:13
BETTER MATERIAL

     The commander was asked: "Why do you prefer married soldiers in your unit?"
"Well, the married men are used to take orders even if they are yelled at them."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 26 марта 2020, 22:11:18
RELIGIOUS CLASSIFICATION

     A unit chaplain kept his files of sermons. He had them classified: "Sacred" and "Top Sacred".
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 28 марта 2020, 14:05:37
BETTER MATERIAL

     The commander was asked: "Why do you prefer married soldiers in your unit?"
"Well, the married men are used to take orders even if they are yelled at them."

     Sounds logical. A little bit of proper upbringing never killed nobody!
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 04 апреля 2021, 13:00:24
Waste of Time

Junior has come on leave after some time in the army.

"Well, son, how do you like the army?" asked his dad.

"It isn't that bad. However, there is too much fussing and drilling between the meals."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 06 апреля 2021, 21:18:10
Secret Information

     Two servicemen were visiting a theater show and were lively discussing some matters without looking at the stage. A lady behind them touched one's shoulder ."Young man, I can't hear a word', she said.
     "You are not supposed to, lady", explained the G.I. "We're  talking over some military classified R&D (research and development) problems".
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 07 апреля 2021, 15:46:15
Secret Information

     Two servicemen were visiting a theater show and were lively discussing some matters without looking at the stage. A lady behind them touched one's shoulder ."Young man, I can't hear a word', she said.
     "You are not supposed to, lady", explained the G.I. "We're  talking over some military classified R&D (research and development) problems".

Some of the military servicemen I used to know had a unique ability of demonstrating similar degree of shamelessness.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 11 апреля 2021, 23:04:32
Two Choices

An Army Volunteer sat down to his first meal in the mess. He surveyed his plate and asked the mess sergeant if he had any other choice.

"Yeah," was the reply. "You either take it or leave it!"
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 17 апреля 2021, 14:45:32
Two Choices

An Army Volunteer sat down to his first meal in the mess. He surveyed his plate and asked the mess sergeant if he had any other choice.

"Yeah," was the reply. "You either take it or leave it!"

     I am coming to the conclusion that the smaller choice we, human beings, have the happier we are. I remember the time when very small things used to make women happy - a new dress, a bottle of French perfume... Ask a woman about her attitude  to the choice she has. What makes her happy?
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 28 апреля 2021, 12:11:20
     I am coming to the conclusion that the smaller choice we, human beings, have the happier we are. I remember the time when very small things used to make women happy - a new dress, a bottle of French perfume... Ask a woman about her attitude  to the choice she has. What makes her happy?

I do agree. It's better to ask women. But I can assume, that people these days are satiated with a variety of choices, so the majority no longer know how to enjoy simple things. Which is rather sad.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 28 апреля 2021, 12:28:04
Now Evident

A soldier on leave swallowed his watch when drunk and was rushed to the doctor who fluoroscoped him and showed him the x-ray photograph. The soldier cried out: "My God! I'm 15 minutes late to the barracks."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 03 мая 2021, 00:16:03
I do agree. It's better to ask women. But I can assume, that people these days are satiated with a variety of choices, so the majority no longer know how to enjoy simple things. Which is rather sad.

     And what do we enjoy, if anything?
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 06 октября 2021, 21:47:36
     And what do we enjoy, if anything?

This is purely individual, I guess. However, if you ask me I enjoy a variety in everything and don't like monotonous and routine activities.
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: DAS от 10 октября 2021, 21:00:21
No Wonder

Two soldiers were having a break  in the shade of a tree when one of them suddenly remarked:

"John, look there is an elephant flying over there with long blue and red feather wings!"

"So what's the fuss?" answered the second soldier . "Their airfield must be somewhere nearby."
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: Ann от 18 мая 2022, 00:02:52
Let’s Play a Game

     Two Army second lieutenants started debating over certain distances. One started by saying, “Okay smartass, which one is closer, the moon or Florida?” The second responded by saying, “Obviously it’s the moon — you can’t see Florida!”
Название: Re: Military Humour
Отправлено: asdfg от 18 мая 2022, 11:15:33
Escape

      A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way."
      After the Military Police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Vietnam." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Vietnam either."