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Считается, что у истинного англичанина есть три отличительные черты – чопорность, высокомерие и, конечно же, юмор.
Истинные англичане по-настоящему гордятся этой своей национальной чертой и очень болезненно реагируют на негативные оценки их юмора со стороны иностранцев.
В Англии не принято обижаться на шутки. Мало того, реакция человека на определенную шутку может оказаться проверкой «на прочность» прежде чем вступить с ним в партнерские отношения. Так что надо держать ухо востро.
Известная английская поговорка гласит, что у каждого в рукаве свой дурак — Everyone has a fool in his sleeve. И англичане полностью оправдывают это утверждение. Обычная дружеская беседа в Англии – это полусерьезная пикировка и обмен остроумными высказываниями, когда каждый подхватывает мысль другого и продолжает шутку. Чтобы принять участие в такой беседе на равных надо, как минимум, очень хотеть научиться понимать все тонкости юмора англичан.
Обычно иностранцам трудно постичь весь смысл английских шуток, особенно если они недостаточно хорошо владеют английским языком. Недоумение у иностранцев вызывает то, что типичные английские шутки и анекдоты отличаются крайней невозмутимостью и акцентированием внимания на мелких незначительных деталях, несмотря на абсурдность описываемых событий.
Хотите научиться понимать тонкий английский юмор? Учите английский язык!
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Уважаемые преподаватели английского языка Школы-ВУЗа «Современное образование». Пожалуйста, поддержите меня в моём начинании. Помоги познакомить наших читателей с нюансами английского юмора. Чтобы, в беседе с истинными англичанами они чувствовали себя «в своей тарелке». Feel at ease. Правильно я перевела?
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Особенности английского юмора
Для британцев в юморе нет никаких преград. Смеются они над всем, что только способно вызывать улыбку.
Политика, правительство, погода и даже королевская семья, национальные особенности своих соотечественников – медлительность и невозмутимость.
В отличие от простого и грубого американского юмора, английский имеет несколько разновидностей:
• the elephant jokes – так называемые «слоновьи» шутки, к которым относят особенно глупые истории;
• dry sense of humour – сарказм или ирония;
• banana skin sense of humour — если переводить дословно, юмор с банановой кожурой, так изящно британцы отзываются об американских шутках;
• shaggy-dog stories – истории, комичность которых заключается в нелогичности сказанного.
• ну и конечно, англичане очень любят черный юмор, который нередко граничит с настоящей грубостью.
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Еще одна немаловажная особенность английского юмора – игра слов.
Это любимое развлечение англичан, недоступное пониманию иностранцев со слабым владением английским языком. В английском языке множество слов, которые имеют двоякий смысл.
Англичане очень любят такими словами называть музыкальные группы, клубы, компании и т.д. Самый яркий пример – группа Beatles, в названии которой перекликаются два английских слова. С одной стороны beat – ритм, с другой – beetles, в переводе на русский, жуки.
- What is the longest word in the English language? (Какое слово в английском языке самое длинное?)
- Smiles, because there is a mile between its first and last letter. Smiles (Улыбки, потому что между первой и последней буквой в этом слове скрыта миля (mile – миля)).
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АЛЁНА, вы такую интересную тему начали! Итак, что я знаю об английском юморе...
Считается, что англичанина можно узнать по трем признакам: чопорности, высокомерию и по чувству юмора, которое никогда не будет понятно иностранцам, плохо владеющим английским языком. Когда английские юмористические шоу транслировали по телевидению, многие разочаровались в так называемом тонком английском юморе. Из-за кадра доносится дикий смех, в то время как шутки с экрана звучали ну уж если не железобетонные, то уж площе плоского.
Но не стоит спешить окрестить их юмор плоским. Тут многое зависит от качества перевода и многого другого. Есть вещи, которые просто невозможно перевести с английского юмора, а нужно в таких случаях придумывать просто аналогичные свои шутки, с чем, увы, у нас тоже зачастую туговато бывает. Вот и сыплются на головы англичан несправедливые обвинения в плоскости их шуток.
Итак: Перекресток. На перекрестке стоит леди. По направлению к ней с четырех сторон движется по одной дороге пешеход, потом, по другой дороге водитель в машине, по третьей велосипедист и по четвертой человек верхом на коне (horse man). Вопрос: кто остановится около леди? Ответ: «horse man knew her» - что переводится как «человек на коне ее знал». Стало быть, он остановится. Смешно? Пока нет.
Идем дальше. Если быстро произносить фразу «horse man knew her», то фонетически она будет звучать примерно как «хозмануэ», аналогично фразе «horse manure» (конский навоз). Теперь надеюсь поняли, что тут смешного?
Английский «тонкий юмор» построен на игре слов. Ситуация, когда одна и та же фраза имеет два смысла, встречается в Англии повсюду: в названиях музыкальных групп, тех же Beatles (аналогия со словами beat - ритм, и Beetles, жуки), в названиях фирм и компаний, клубов и журналов, фильмов и таверн. Вот хороший пример, когда красивое название харчевни «DEW DROP INN» - Харчевня Капли Росы звучит точно также как и выражение «Do Drop In» - «зайди, заскочи».
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Самый яркий пример английского юмора смотрите в сериале дживс и вустер) Там Хью Лорри молодой)
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Да, действительно, замечательный сериал. Это тот редкий случай, когда фильм ничуть не хуже книги. А во многом даже и интересней.
Так же классикой английского юмора является "Трое в лодке, не считая собаки" Джерома К. Джерома.
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Люблю Джерома
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И я - очень! Причём мне фильм не очень понравился. Джерома читать интересней!!! :)
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Да, полностью согласна с Нетой, читать гораздо интересней. Но! Как и любого автора, Джерома интересней всего читать в оригинале.
Я беру на себя смелость напечатать тут небольшой отрывок из книги "Трое в лодке..." в оригинальном, так сказать, виде.
I knew it was my liver that was out of order, because I had just been reading a patent liver - pill circular, in which were detailed the various symptoms by which a man could tell when his liver was out of order. I had them all.
It is a most extraordinary thing, but I never read a patent medicine advertisement without being impelled to the conclusion that I am suffering fr om the particular disease therein dealt with in its most virulent form. The diagnosis seems in every case to correspond exactly with all the sensations that I have ever felt.
I remember going to the British Museum one day to read up the treatment for some slight ailment of which I had a touch - hay fever, I fancy it was. I got down the book, and read all I came to read; and then, in an unthinking moment, I idly turned the leaves, and began to indolently study diseases, generally. I forget which was the first distemper I plunged into - some fearful, devastating scourge, I know - and, before I had glanced half down the list of "premonitory symptoms," it was borne in upon me that I had fairly got it.
I sat for awhile, frozen with horror; and then, in the listlessness of despair, I again turned over the pages. I came to typhoid fever - read the symptoms - discovered that I had typhoid fever, must have had it for months without knowing it - wondered what else I had got; turned up St. Vitus's Dance - found, as I expected, that I had that too, - began to get interested in my case, and determined to sift it to the bottom, and so started alphabetically - read up ague, and learnt that I was sickening for it, and that the acute stage would commence in about another fortnight. Bright's disease, I was relieved to find, I had only in a modified form, and, so far as that was concerned, I might live for years. Cholera I had, with severe complications; and diphtheria I seemed to have been born with. I plodded conscientiously through the twenty - six letters, and the only malady I could conclude I had not got was housemaid's knee.
I felt rather hurt about this at first; it seemed somehow to be a sort of slight. Why hadn't I got housemaid's knee? Why this invidious reservation? After a while, however, less grasping feelings prevailed. I reflected that I had every other known malady in the pharmacology, and I grew less selfish, and determined to do without housemaid's knee. Gout, in its most malignant stage, it would appear, had seized me without my being aware of it; and zymosis I had evidently been suffering with fr om boyhood. There were no more diseases after zymosis, so I concluded there was nothing else the matter with me.
I sat and pondered. I thought what an interesting case I must be fr om a medical point of view, what an acquisition I should be to a class! Students would have no need to "walk the hospitals," if they had me. I was a hospital in myself. All they need do would be to walk round me, and, after that, take their diploma.
Then I wondered how long I had to live. I tried to examine myself. I felt my pulse. I could not at first feel any pulse at all. Then, all of a sudden, it seemed to start off. I pulled out my watch and timed it. I made it a hundred and forty - seven to the minute. I tried to feel my heart. I could not feel my heart. It had stopped beating. I have since been induced to come to the opinion that it must have been there all the time, and must have been beating, but I cannot account for it. I patted myself all over my front, from what I call my waist up to my head, and I went a bit round each side, and a little way up the back. But I could not feel or hear anything. I tried to look at my tongue. I stuck it out as far as ever it would go, and I shut one eye, and tried to examine it with the other. I could only see the tip, and the only thing that I could gain from that was to feel more certain than before that I had scarlet fever.
I had walked into that reading - room a happy, healthy man. I crawled out a decrepit wreck.
Этот фрагмент особенно интересен будет для тех, кто изучает медицину. Есть возможность потренироваться в переводе различных медицинских терминов с английского на русский.
А завтра я напечатаю перевод к этому отрывку. И можно будет сравнить свои переводы с оригиналом.
Удачи! ;)
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Для меня самый лучший английский юмор - в произведениях Диккенса. Помните "Пиквикский клуб"?
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А Шоу!!!
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«Было бы нелепо утверждать, — пишет профессор Сорбоннского университета Луи Казамян, — что Англия или Великобритания имеют монополию на юмор. Другие нации также вносят свой вклад в эту область, и к тому же, юмор так же древен, как цивилизация. Но совершенно не случайно, что именно в Англии появилось само слово "юмор" и что юмор вырос и получил свое воплощение именно на британской почве».
История английской литературы свидетельствует, что почти все крупные английские писатели и поэты, так или иначе, имели дело с юмором. Чосер, который стоит в самом начале английской литературы, был настоящим юмористом. В своих «Кентерберийских рассказах» он повествует с серьезным выражением лица, рассказывая о комических характерах и ситуациях. Именно Чосер создал набор тем, которое впоследствии воспроизводили английские писатели- юмористы.
К числу выдающихся драматургов елизаветинской эпохи относится Бенджамин Джонсон, создатель жанра бытовой комедии. Джонсон был старшим современником Шекспира и их творческие судьбы пересекались. Известно, что его комедия «Всяк в своем нраве» ("Every Man in His Humour", 1598) ставилась в шекспировском театре «Глоб», и не исключено, что сам Шекспир принимал участие в этой постановке в качестве актера.
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А вот и обещанный мною перевод.
Я знал, что у меня не в порядке именно печень, потому что на днях прочел рекламу патентованных пилюль от болезни печени, где перечислялись признаки, по которым человек может определить, что у него не в порядке печень. Все они были у меня налицо.
Странное дело: стоит мне прочесть объявление о каком - нибудь патентованном средстве, как я прихожу к выводу, что страдаю той самой болезнью, о которой идет речь, причем в наиопаснейшей форме. Во всех случаях описываемые симптомы точно совпадают с моими ощущениями.
Как - то раз я зашел в библиотеку Британского музея, чтобы навести справку о средстве против пустячной болезни, которую я где - то подцепил, - кажется, сенной лихорадки. Я взял справочник и нашел там все, что мне было нужно; а потом, от нечего делать, начал перелистывать книгу, просматривать то, что там сказано о разных других болезнях. Я уже позабыл, в какой недуг я погрузился раньше всего, - знаю только, что это был какой - то ужасный бич рода человеческого, - и не успел я добраться до середины перечня "ранних симптомов", как стало очевидно, что эта болезнь гнездится во мне.
Несколько минут я сидел, как громом пораженный; потом, с безразличием отчаяния, принялся переворачивать страницы дальше. Я добрался до холеры, прочел о ее признаках и установил, что у меня холера, что она мучает меня уже несколько месяцев, а я об этом и не подозревал. Мне стало любопытно: чем я еще болен? Я перешел к пляске святого Витта и выяснил, как и следовало ожидать, что ею я тоже страдаю; тут я заинтересовался этим медицинским феноменом и решил разобраться в нем досконально. Я начал прямо по алфавиту. Прочитал об анемии и убедился, что она у меня есть и что обострение должно наступить недели через две. Брайтовой болезнью, как я с облегчением установил, я страдал лишь в легкой форме, и, будь у меня она одна, я мог бы надеяться прожить еще несколько лет. Воспаление легких оказалось у меня с серьезными осложнениями, а грудная жаба была, судя по всему, врожденной. Так я добросовестно перебрал все буквы алфавита, и единственная болезнь, которой я у себя не обнаружил, была родильная горячка.
Вначале я даже обиделся; в этом было что - то оскорбительное. С чего это вдруг у меня нет родильной горячки? С чего это вдруг я ею обойден? Однако спустя несколько минут моя ненасытность была побеждена более достойными чувствами. Я стал утешать себя, что у меня есть все другие болезни, какие только знает медицина, устыдился своего эгоизма и решил обойтись без родильной горячки. Зато тифозная горячка совсем меня скрутила, и я этим удовлетворился, тем более что ящуром я страдал, очевидно, с детства. Ящуром книга заканчивалась, и я решил, что больше мне уж ничто не угрожает.
Я задумался. Я думал о том, какой интересный клинический случай я представляю собой, какой находкой я был бы для медицинского факультета. Студентам незачем было бы практиковаться в клиниках и участвовать во врачебных обходах, если бы у них был я. Я сам - целая клиника. Им нужно только совершить обход вокруг меня и сразу же отправляться за дипломами.
Тут мне стало любопытно, сколько я еще протяну. Я решил устроить себе врачебный осмотр. Я пощупал свой пульс. Сначала никакого пульса не было. Вдруг он появился. Я вынул часы и стал считать. Вышло сто сорок семь ударов в минуту. Я стал искать у себя сердце. Я его не нашел. Оно перестало биться. Поразмыслив, я пришел к заключению, что оно все - таки находится на своем месте и, видимо, бьется, только мне его не отыскать. Я постукал себя спереди, начиная от того места, которое я называю талией, до шеи, потом прошелся по обоим бокам с заходом на спину. Я не нашел ничего особенного. Я попробовал осмотреть свой язык. Я высунул язык как можно дальше и стал разглядывать его одним глазом, зажмурив другой. Мне удалось увидеть только самый кончик, и я преуспел лишь в одном: утвердился в мысли, что у меня скарлатина.
Я вступил в этот читальный зал счастливым, здоровым человеком. Я выполз оттуда жалкой развалиной.
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— Что делает эта простыня в статье, Джонс?
— Это эпиграф, сэр.
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А вот и обещанный мною перевод.
АЛЁНА, вы проделали такую огромную работу! Мне кажется, что когда в тексте присутствуют термины (а тут - медицинские!), то это уже верх мастерства и специализации переводчика!
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Думаю, здесь будут уместны и короткие смешные рассказы (анекдоты). Например, такой:
Бэрримор, весь потрепанный, с взъерошенными волосами, врывается в кабинет сэра Генри так, что чуть не срывает с петель дверь, и истошным криком объявляет:
-Сэр!Темза вышла из берегов!Все окрестности затоплены. Через три минуты вода будет здесь. Спасайтесь, сэр!
Сэр Генри смотрит на дворецкого испепеляющим взглядом и строго говорит ему:
-Бэрримор!Что это за вид?!И вообще, как вы позволяете себе врываться в кабинет и орать здесь?!Выйдите, приведите себя в порядок, и скажите все это так, как и следует это делать дворецкому английского лорда.
-Хорошо, сэр.
Через три минуты дверь того самого кабинета тихо открывается, входит опрятный и чистенький Бэрримор и объявляет:
-Темза, сэр!
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Чем отличается джентльмен по воспитанию от джентльмена по рождению?
Одна и та же ситуация. Джентльмен снимает номер в гостинице, входит в ванную, а там моется женщина.
Джентльмен по воспитанию:
— Мадам, тысяча извинений и т.д.
Джентльмен по рождению:
— Простите, сэр. Я кажется где-то здесь оставил свои очки.
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Bus conductor: Why are taking two tickets?
Passenger: Because if i lose one that second ticket will save me.
Conductor: what if you lose both?
Passenger: Listen, I am not a fool. I already have my Pass with me.!!!
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Шумные люди! Ангус Макдональд приехал учиться из Шотландии в английский университет, где его поселили в одной комнате с еще двумя студентами. Когда он прожил там с месяц, к нему приехала мать, чтобы навестить его: - Ну и как тебе эти английские студенты, Дональд? - Мама, они такие ужасные, шумные люди! Тот, который с этой стороны, всю ночь без перерыва колотится головой о стенку, а с этой стороны кричит и кричит, и так каждую ночь. - Ах, Дональд, как же ты уживаешься с этими ужасными шумными англичанами? - Мама, я ничего не делаю. Я их просто игнорирую. Сижу тут всю ночь и играю на своей волынке.
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Это пять!!!!
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An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing".
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing.
Английский учитель пишет на доске слова: "женщина без ее мужчина ничто". Затем учитель просит студентов правильно расставить знаки препинания.
Мужчины пишут: "Женщина без ее мужчины - ничто".
Женщины пишут: "Женщина! Без нее мужчина - ничто".
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Wife:What is 10 years with me?
Husband:A second.
Wife:What is $1000 for me?
Husband:A coin.
Wife: Ok give me a coin.
Husband:Wait a second
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A lawyer and a doctor were on an extravagant fishing trip.
The lawyer said, "I am here because my house burned down and everything I owned was burned. The insurance company paid a mint for everything I lost."
"Now that’s quite a coincidence," said the doctor, "I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused and said, "Really? How do you start a flood?"
________________________________________
Русский
Адвокат и врач были на роскошной рыбалке.
Адвокат сказал: "Я здесь, потому что мой дом сгорел и всё, чем я владел, сгорело. Страховая компания заплатила кучу денег за всё, что я потерял."
"Вот это совпадение," – сказал врач. – "Я здесь, потому что мой дом и все мои вещи были уничтожены наводнением, и моя страховая компания также заплатила за всё."
Адвокат выглядел немного озадаченным и сказал: "Правда? А как начать наводнение?"
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Wife:What is 10 years with me?
Husband:A second.
Wife:What is $1000 for me?
Husband:A coin.
Wife: Ok give me a coin.
Husband:Wait a second
Great)
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Вот небольшой пример игры слов в английском анекдоте:
- Will you tell me your name?
- Will Knot.
- Why not?
На вопрос «ты скажешь мне свое имя?» человек отвечает - Уилл Нот (Will Knot), в английском языке, если быстро прочитать фамилию и имя, получится фраза – отрицание «Нет», тогда логичным становится вопрос «Почему не скажешь?».
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Question: What is the most musical part of the body?
Answer: The nose, because you can PICK and BLOW it))))))!
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Англичанин покупает билеты в кассе российского аэропорта:
- Ту тикетс ту Даблин. (Two tickets to Dublin)
- Куда блин?!
- Тудаблин!!! (To Dublin!!)
- Как будет "окрошка" по-английски?
- Oh, baby!
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What's the definition of a pessimist? A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.
Каково определение пессимиста? Пессимист - это хорошо информированный оптимист.
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One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU ….".
Однажды англичанин, шотландец и ирландец отправились вместе в паб. Каждый из них купил пинту Гиннеса (сорт пива). Как только они собрались насладиться своим густым напитком, три мухи приземлились в каждую из их пинт и погрузились в густую пену. Англичанин отодвинул свое пиво с отвращением. Шотландец выудил муху из своего пива и продолжал пить, как ни в чем не бывало. Ирландец тоже достал муху из своего напитка и, держа ее над пивом, стал орать: "Выплюнь, выплюнь, ты …".
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АЛЁНА. супер!!!!!!! ;D
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Спасибо, Даша! :)
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Миле. Правда, смешно. А если серъезно, то нет другого такого предмета, который развивал бы так мозги как иностранный язык.
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Миле. Правда, смешно. А если серъезно, то нет другого такого предмета, который развивал бы так мозги как иностранный язык.
полностью согласна! ученые это доказали и продолжают повторять!
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Хорошая шутка в англии - чаще всего экспромт.
Вы заходите в центральный магазин на Оксфорд-стрит, и слышите, как продавец, с энтузиазмом рекламирующий свой товар, вынужден несколько раз обращаться к покупателям с просьбой не толпиться у входа. Видя, что на его призывы никто не реагирует, он прерывает свою речь и говорит очень деловым тоном: Excuse me, are уоu stupid or are уоu not English? - Простите, вы идиоты или вы не англичане?
Конферансье на концерте в приморском городке обращается к публике при виде опаздывающей дамы в полосатом костюме: Неге you are, а walking deckchair - Полюбуйтесь, вот вам и ходячий шезлонг.
В метро, во время сильного ливня, вы слышите объявление: Temple Station is closed, because of unprecedented behavior of the passengers. They refused to leave the station, because of the rain - Станция Темпл закрыта из-за беспрецедентного поведения пассажиров. Они отказались покинуть станцию из-за дождя.
Юмор преследует гостя везде: в телевизионных программах, объявлениях, рекламе.
Носителями языка он уже не ощущается так остро, это - способ мышления, к которому надо приспособиться и адекватно реагировать, всегда быть готовым ответить на шутку в самых неожиданных обстоятельствах.
Вы спрашиваете у служащего в метро, как пройти к Bush House, святая святых теле- и радиокомпании Би-би-си и слышите в ответ: Уоu should gо to America (имеется в виду резиденция Президента Буша). Вы можете получить и другой вариант ответа: Turn left, at least in the morning it was there - Поверните налево, по крайней мере, утром он еще был там.
На шутку обижаться не принято, а умение посмеяться над собой считается достоинством. Ваша реакция на юмор является своего рода проверкой на возможность дальнейшего партнерства.
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На шутку обижаться не принято, а умение посмеяться над собой считается достоинством. Ваша реакция на юмор является своего рода проверкой на возможность дальнейшего партнерства.
а это интернационально и международно!
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В Америке чувство юмора является проверкой интеллектуального уровня человека.
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Английский юмор имеет свои разновидности. Особенно глупые шутки называются the elephant jokes - «слоновые шутки». Другие разновидности английского юмора: dry sense of humour («сухое чувство юмора») - ирония, banana skin sense of humour («юмор с банановой кожурой») - достаточно примитивные шутки, когда кто-то поскользнется на банановой корке и всем смешно, shaggy-dog stories, в которых смешное основывается на алогичности высказывания.
Английский лорд уходит из дому. Слуга провожает его и спрашивает: «Сэр, если леди пошлет меня за вами, скажите, где вас не надо искать?»
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В Америке чувство юмора является проверкой интеллектуального уровня человека.
Да и у нас тоже))
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Да и у нас тоже))
Отсутствие юмора — умственный изъян. (с) Франсуаза Саган. Одиночество и любовь
Ужасно, когда у двух людей — разное чувство юмора. Им ни за что не поладить. (с) Джин Уэбстер. Длинноногий дядюшка
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Да и у нас тоже))
у нас можно прослыть занудой, но не глупцом. В Америке, если ты понимаешь юмор и адекватно реагируешь, ты автоматически попадаешь в другую касту людей
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кстати - понимать и уметь шутить самому - это разные вещи.. говорят, открыли даже школы, которые учат чувству юмора!
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...ректор Петросян? ;)
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Английский лорд уходит из дому. Слуга провожает его и спрашивает: «Сэр, если леди пошлет меня за вами, скажите, где вас не надо искать?»
Разумеется, на нашем форуме.
Сэр, если леди пошлет меня
Леди меня не только послала, но и достала.
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Я знаю один способ. Простенько, дёшево и со вкусом. Инквизиция очень любила об таких зимой греться)
Re: дешевый вкус инквизиции
На "Молот ведьм" Инститориса и Шпренгера намекаете? Классная вещь! Я бы включил его в школьную программу. Взамен всяческой русофобской лабуды (привет Марине).
P/S/ Жаль, что она никак в Школу не придет. Было бы что обсудить.
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с вами?! обсудить?! :-X боюсь, сдержаться не смогу. А старость нужно уважать... ;D
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Угу...особенно главу об исчезновении .... в вашем вкусе.
Не сомневаюсь, что вам нравится сие творение двух озабоченных и свихнувшихся от воздержания деятелей. Ваши знакомые?)))
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Опа! Теперь всё ясно! Вы, как и авторы "Молота" панически боитесь женщин! Тех, кто умнее, красивее и изобретательнее и самодостаточнее, нужно истребить и оскорбить...грубой и тупой мужской силой?
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Английский клуб всё больше поражает меня глубиной ваших высказываний, друзья)
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о, в ветку о юморе... пришел современный ... юмор!
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Опа! Теперь всё ясно! Вы, как и авторы "Молота" панически боитесь женщин! Тех, кто умнее, красивее и изобретательнее и самодостаточнее, нужно истребить и оскорбить...грубой и тупой мужской силой?
Красивее тех монахов? ??? :-\Тогда многих надо истребить - боюсь, монахи были не слишком симпатичные((
Да и не силой, а слабостью, но тупой - это правда.
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Силу надо было заключить в кавычки.
Я даже могу себе предствить внешность тех монахов. ..))))
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Какие мы тактичные! Монахи были ужасны(
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Да...просто отвратительные. И изо рта воняло (
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вы считаете, что ЭТО - тонкий английский юмор? больше смахивает на сальную шутку :(
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А про монахов у нас был как раз вообще не юмор((
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Об удалённом анекдоте.
Именно поэтому о монахах - не шутка.
Именно такие мечты о неосуществлённые мечты о... полотенце и породили "Молот", тему о котором я сейчас буду редактировать. Не удалять ПОКА, а редактировать. Считайте, что я ...предупредила.
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вы считаете, что ЭТО - тонкий английский юмор? больше смахивает на сальную шутку :(
- Что такое по-английски "I dоn`t knоw"?
- Я не знаю
- Вот, и я, кого ни спрошу - никто не знает.
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A man asked for a meal in a restaurant. The waiter brought the food and put it on the table. After a moment, the man called the waiter and said:«Waiter! Waiter! There’s a fly in my soup!» «Please don’t speak so loudly, sir» said the waiter, «or everyone will want one.»
Мужчина сделал заказ в ресторане. Официант принес еду и поставил на стол. В этот момент мужчина закричал: «Официант! У меня муха в супе!» На что официант ответил : «Тише, сэр. А то все захотят.»
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Неповторимые до смехотворности законы, принятые в США
Dumb Laws in Florida
Законы, действующие в штате Флорида
It is illegal for a doctor to ask a patient whether they own a gun. (Florida)
Врач не должен спрашивать пациента, имеет ли тот оружие. Это незаконно.
The state constitution allows for freedom of speech, a trial by jury, and pregnant pigs to not be confined in cages. (Florida)
Конституция штата признаёт свободу слова, суд присяжных запрещает содержание беременных свиней в клетках.
Doors of all public buildings must open outwards. (Florida)
Двери всех общественных зданий должны открываться наружу.
It is illegal to sell your children. (Florida)
Продажа собственных детей незаконна.
Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner. (Florida)
Женщины, заснувшие под феном, могут быть оштрафованы, равно как и владелец салона красоты.
You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers. (Florida)
Запрещается разбивать более трёх блюд, или более четырёх чашек и/или блюдец в день.
It is illegal to skateboard without a license. (Florida)/p>
Катание на скейтборде без лицензии является незаконным.
Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. (Florida)
Мужчинам запрещено появляться в общественных местах в платьях без бретелек.
It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. (Florida)
Петь в общественном месте, будучи одетым в купальник является незаконным.
If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle. (Florida)
Если оставить привязанным слона на стоянке для автомобилей, то место оплачивается в размере стоимости парковки машины.
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Боже мой! 6-ой закон - это так жестоко! В Америке мне точно не место((
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Мужчинам запрещено появляться в общественных местах в платьях без бретелек.
Да, это сурово.
dura lex sed lex
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Этот закон специально для вас и Кончиты.
Absit omen.
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как ни странно,адмист, но соглашусь с вами. Только вот интересно, почему вы, цитирующий это изречение, не уважаете законы нашего форума?! :o
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Да, это сурово.
dura lex sed lex
Кстати, запятую забыли))) Dura lex, sed lex - правильно
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скопировал, как всегда, где-то... а там ошибка ;D
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Очевидно так. Сейчас начнёт спорить, что именно так писали по латыни)))
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...ага! И приводить километры текста ;D
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Очевидно так. Сейчас начнёт спорить, что именно так писали по латыни)))
Спорить не буду.
Просто запятую изобрели в 16 веке.
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Прааавда? Да вы что? А в каком году, какого числа, в какой час? А можно имя и паспортные данные изобретателя! И поподробнее! Я составляю конспект!
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адмист, вы как маленький! просто признайтесь, что в википедии эта фраза была написана БЕЗ запятой ;D
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адмист, вы как маленький! просто признайтесь, что в википедии эта фраза была написана БЕЗ запятой ;D
Не будьте наивной. Я слишком давно занимаюсь этой темой, чтобы лезть в википедию.
Точка - конец 15 века.
Запятая - 16 век.
Скобки - 17 век (самый конец).
Точка с запятой - 18 век.
Вебстер:
com·ma
noun \ˈkä-mə\
: a punctuation mark , that is used to separate words or groups of words in a sentence
Full Definition of COMMA
1 : a punctuation mark , used especially as a mark of separation within the sentence
2 : pause, interval
3 : any of several nymphalid butterflies (genus Polygonia) with a silvery comma-shaped mark on the underside of the hind wings
See comma defined for English-language learners »
See comma defined for kids »
Origin of COMMA
Late Latin, from Latin, part of a sentence, from Greek komma segment, clause, from koptein to cut — more at capon
First Known Use: 1554
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Капитан Очевидность! Кажется, здесь уже упоминался этот "титул", но не могу не повторить))
У человечка явно завышено чсв. Хоть фотографию его поместите, посмотреть, что за чудо такое. в перьях)
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Капитан Очевидность! Кажется, здесь уже упоминался этот "титул", но не могу не повторить))
У человечка явно завышено чсв. Хоть фотографию его поместите, посмотреть, что за чудо такое. в перьях)
А про запятую раньше 16 века есть ЧТО сказать?
P/S/ Мое фото - на аватарке.
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А про запятую раньше 16 века есть ЧТО сказать?
Ничего. Промолчать и признать, что сейчас не 16 век и действуют правила пунктуации.
P/S/ Мое фото - на аватарке.
Надо сказать, вы были неприятным ребёнком. Аватар вызывает стойкое отвращение. простите уж за прямоту.
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Ничего. Промолчать и признать, что сейчас не 16 век и действуют правила пунктуации. Надо сказать, вы были неприятным ребёнком. Аватар вызывает стойкое отвращение. простите уж за прямоту.
Тем не менее, мой внук перешел уже в 5-ый класс, не имея ни одной четверки.
Я понимаю, что это у многих вызывает стойкое отвращение.
Но при цитировании ДРЕВНИХ ставить запятые - это явное не комильфо (comme il faut):
ex ungua leonem cognoscimus ex auribus asinum.
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:-\ вы уж определитесь КТО у вас на аватарке, вы или ваш внук... Попахивает шизофренией...
А почему мальчик, окончивший 4-й класс на одни пятерки вызывает стойкое отвращение? У кого? Может быть, всё-таки, не внук ваш, а вы вызываете отвращение? Тоже надо определиться ;) Представляю, КАК вы достали учителей вашего внука :-[
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:-\ вы уж определитесь КТО у вас на аватарке, вы или ваш внук... Попахивает шизофренией...
А почему мальчик, окончивший 4-й класс на одни пятерки вызывает стойкое отвращение? У кого? Может быть, всё-таки, не внук ваш, а вы вызываете отвращение? Тоже надо определиться ;) Представляю, КАК вы достали учителей вашего внука :-[
В чем-то Вы правы - с учителями школы у меня всегда были проблемы, недаром я им столько лет читал лекции на ФПК.
Что касается внука, то я с самого первого своего появления на форуме сказал, что это он. Зачем мне себя показывать, меня и так все знают . . .
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В чем-то Вы правы - с учителями школы у меня всегда были проблемы, недаром я им столько лет читал лекции на ФПК.
Что касается внука, то я с самого первого своего появления на форуме сказал, что это он. Зачем мне себя показывать, меня и так все знают . . .
...я им столько лет читал лекции на ФПК...меня и так все знают . .
________________________________________________________________________________
Шизофреидальная мания величия...Зашкаливающая! Бедняга, конечно. Но..как-то и жалости к бедолаге нет. ;D ;D ;D
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Эти англичане – такие юмористы.
Они умудряются пошутить уже в самом названии книги. Вот вам небольшая подборка в качестве примера (все заголовки – совершенно реальны!):
Knitting with Dog Hair: Better a Sweater from a Dog You Know and Love Than from a Sheep You’ll Never Meet – Вязание собачьей шерстью. Лучше свитер из собаки, которую вы знаете и любите, чем из овцы, с которой вы никогда не познакомитесь.
Enjoy Your Chameleon – Насладитесь своим хамелеоном.
What To Say When You Talk To Yourself - Что сказать, когда говоришь сам с собой.
Teach Your Wife How To Be A Widow – Обучи свою жену, как быть вдовой.
Old Tractors and the Men Who Love Them: How to Keep Your Tractors Happy and Your Family Running – Старые тракторы и любящие их мужчины: как сделать ваш трактор счастливым и заставить семью бегать.
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Эти англичане – такие юмористы.
Они умудряются пошутить уже в самом названии книги. Вот вам небольшая подборка в качестве примера (все заголовки – совершенно реальны!):
Knitting with Dog Hair: Better a Sweater from a Dog You Know and Love Than from a Sheep You’ll Never Meet – Вязание собачьей шерстью. Лучше свитер из собаки, которую вы знаете и любите, чем из овцы, с которой вы никогда не познакомитесь.
садисты))))))))))
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садисты))))))))))
это не наш юмор, точно. Не хочу такой свитер. (((
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это не наш юмор, точно. Не хочу такой свитер. (((
Почему? Собаку просто вычёсывают, а потом из этого делают пряжу и вяжут. Чаще всего носочки. Очень тёплая вещь.
У меня до сих пор остались тёплые воспоминания о том, как я однажды в детстве болела. Мне на ноги надели носочки из собачьей шерсти, а у ног легла соседская собака - хозяйка этой шерсти. И чай с малиной. Для ребёнка это был отличный процесс лечения! Я до сих пор помню те позитивные эмоции.
А особенно собачья шерсть хороша для пояса на поясницу при радикулите.
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Почему? Собаку просто вычёсывают, а потом из этого делают пряжу и вяжут. Чаще всего носочки. Очень тёплая вещь.
У меня до сих пор остались тёплые воспоминания о том, как я однажды в детстве болела. Мне на ноги надели носочки из собачьей шерсти, а у ног легла соседская собака - хозяйка этой шерсти. И чай с малиной. Для ребёнка это был отличный процесс лечения! Я до сих пор помню те позитивные эмоции.
А особенно собачья шерсть хороша для пояса на поясницу при радикулите.
это я садистка! про вычесывать - мне даже в голову не пришло! ;D
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Собачки при этом остаются живы))
У бабушки есть седушки на табуретки из конского волоса, такие классные особенно зимой :)
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Кстати, и овцы тоже живы)
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Никогда не прощу Есенину "из кота того сшили шапку"..садюга? (
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ужас сколько примеров вспомнили!)))
PS
Двухэтажный автобус налетел на фонарный столб.
- И как вы умудрились врезаться?? - спрашивает полисмен у шофера.
- Я проверял билеты на втором этаже...
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Американский турист ходит с гидом по Лондону.
- Все тут у вас такое маленькое, зажатое, - говорит он. - Это здание, например,
было бы в Америке раз в десять выше.
- О, конечно, сэр! Это психиатрическая клиника.
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Невозмутимость и медлительность англичан стала «притчей в языках», даже сами британцы с удовольствием подшучивают над своими «отличительными чертами». Причем умение посмеяться над собой считается скорее достоинством, нежели недостатком.
В лодке сидят трое удильщиков. «Сегодня чудесная погода!» - изрекает первый. Через полчаса второй возражает ему: «Нет, сегодня погода отвратительная». Еще через полчаса подает голос третий рыбак: «Джентльмены, перестаньте спорить!»
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Very short.....
Don’t steal, the Government hates competition!
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Drink 'Till She's Cute
A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual, why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot & beer"? The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home"!
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A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need an urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm too drunk to do that!"
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На заседании английского парламента вопрос спикеру:
- Сэр, позволяет ли мне протокол назвать лорда Честертона жирной и грязной свиньей?
- Сэр, протокол не позволяет Вам назвать лорда Честертона жирной и грязной свиньей.
- В таком случае, я воздержусь назвать лорда Честертона жирной и грязной свиньей.
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Да-да, последний пример вообще типичен для Англии)
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A woman entered a fruit store and said to the clerk, "I want to purchase some fruit for my sick husband."
"We have some very nice sweet cherries on sale for a dollar a box," said the clerk.
She looked them over and decided to take a box. Handing them to the clerk she added, "Have they been sprayed with poison?"
Replied the clerk, "No ma’am. You will have to purchase that at the drug store."
Женщина зашла в фруктовый магазин и сказала служащему: "Я хочу купить немного фруктов для своего больного мужа."
"У нас есть очень хорошие сладкие вишни в продаже по цене доллар за ящик," – сказал служащий.
Она их осмотрела и решила взять ящик. Вручая их служащему, она добавила: "Их опрыскивали ядом?"
Служащий ответил: "Нет, мэм. Вам нужно будет приобрести его в аптеке."
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Чтобы понять английский юмор нужно владеть языком на очень высоком уровне. Именно из-за неумения передать или непонимания английского юмора переводчиками возникает ошибочное мнение о «плоскости» английского юмора.
Возьмем для примера такой анекдот:
- Why was Cinderella such an awful basketball player?
- Because she had a pumpkin for a coach.
Дословный перевод звучит так:
- Почему Золушка не умеет играть в баскетбол?
- Потому что у нее была тыква вместо кареты.
Смысл анекдота в том, что английское слово «coach» имеет значения «тренер» и «карета». Но, даже если во второй реплике coach перевести как тренер, - смешного тоже будет мало. Это и есть пример, когда передать юмор, сохранив исходные значения оригинального текста, практически невозможно. Хорошо, если переводчик располагает временем и может придумать или вспомнить что-нибудь подобное в родном языке.
Можно найти много таких примеров и в нашем языке. Например, если дословно перевести такой диалог иностранцу, он, разумеется, тоже посчитает наш юмор плоским:
- Официант, это курица?
- Нет, пьется!
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Высочайший пилотаж английского юмора - умение вышутить нечто сакральное и неприкосновенное, не впадая при этом в кощунство и примитивное ерничество.
Священник едет в коляске вдоль прекрасно возделанного ржаного поля. На краю поля, опершись на изгородь, стоит фермер и курит трубку. «Добрый день, сын мой! Это ваше поле?» - «Мое». - «Замечательно!» - «Что замечательно?» - «Замечательно, когда соединяются усилия Господа и человека». - «Может оно и так. Только поглядели бы вы, преподобный, на это поле, когда Господь хозяйничал здесь в одиночку».
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Mr. Jones had hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. While taking dictation one morning, she noticed that his fly was open. Upon leaving the room she said, "Mr. Jones, your barracks door is open." He was puzzled by her remark, but later that day he noticed that his zipper was open. So, he decided to have a little fun with his secretary and called her back into his office. "By the way Miss Smith," he said, "When you noticed my barracks door open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention ?" "Why no sir," she replied, "All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."
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Here is another funny story...
A man was being interviewed for a job
"Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.
"Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant.
"Did you see any active duty?"
"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."
"May I ask what happened?"
"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."
"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."
"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."
"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."
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Неоднозначность грамматических конструкций:
- Who likes moving pictures? - (most of the men step forward) - All right, you fellows carry the pictures from the basement to the attic.
Можно понять «moving pictures» как «кинофильм», и как «переносить картины».
В нашем языке есть подобный анекдот:
- Кто поедет копать картошку? - (из строя вышло несколько человек),
- Хорошо,остальные пойдут пешком.
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A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in a school play.
"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"
The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!"
The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."
Шотландский мальчик пришел домой из школы и рассказал маме, что ему дали роль в школьной пьесе.
"Чудесно, - сказала мама, - А что за роль?"
Мальчик ответил: "Я играю шотландского мужа!"
Мать нахмурилась и сказала: "Возвращайся и попроси учителя, чтобы тебе дали роль со словами".
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- Как вас принял Джонсон?
- Нельзя сказать, чтобы очень гостеприимно. На стол была подана только пепельница.
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- Как вас принял Джонсон?
- Нельзя сказать, чтобы очень гостеприимно. На стол была подана только пепельница.
Шикарно, тонко и со вкусом. Настоящая Англия.
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Прежде чем понять тонкий английский юмор, следует побольше узнать о культуре англичан, об их привычках. Недаром британцев считают «странными людьми». Еще бы, если по воскресеньям в Европе даже самый бедный человек надевает свой лучший костюм, стараясь выглядеть пореспектабельнее, то в Англии даже самый богатый сэр или промышленный магнат напяливает в этот день какие-то причудливые лохмотья и не бреется. В Европе говорить о погоде не принято, в Англии же, наоборот, если не повторять после каждого приветствия «Прекрасный день, не правда ли?», собеседники очень обидятся. На континенте воскресные газеты выходят в понедельник - в Англии, стране экзотических обычаев, они выходят по воскресеньям.
В своем доме, в гостиной, развалившись в кресле, сидит англичанин, курит трубку и читает утреннюю «Times». Вдруг обваливается стена, и в гостиную, скрипя тормозами, въезжает «Бентли», за рулем которого сидит другой англичанин. Первый спокойно переводит на него взгляд, вынимает трубку и спрашивает: «Могу я спросить, куда сэр так торопится?» - «В Манчестер, сэр!» -«В таком случае, сэр, Вам ближе было бы через кухню…»
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Традиции в Англии - это пресловутые три кита, на которых держится земля. К некоторым аспектам жизни англичане относятся с особым почтением.
Обустройство собственного дома и сада - самое распространенное увлечение англичан. Все свое свободное время они уделяют улучшению и дальнейшему украшению жилища (примерно так же обстоит дело с автомобилем) и сада под окнами гостиной.
Традиционной является также и любовь к животным. Англичане любят их истово, почти в каждом доме держат домашних питомцев. Похоже, часто они любят животных больше, чем собственных детей, прощая зверью такие проделки, за которые дети были бы хорошенько наказаны.
Чай, конечно, пьют индийский, хотя изысканным и тонким почитается и китайский. Свой собственный чай уважающие себя англичане берут с собой в путешествие.
Развлечения англичан также являются традиционными. Национальными видами спорта по праву считаются гольф, крикет, теннис, конное поло, рыбная ловля и охота на лис. Крикет для англичан - больше, чем игра. Англичане играют в нее каждое воскресенье. Если вы действительно хотите завоевать их доверие, попробуйте изучить крикетные правила.
Прекрасной традицией является и хорошее образование для детей. У состоятельных людей чрезвычайно популярен вариант частной школы-пансиона, большей частью раздельного обучения.
Англичане очень гордятся своим чистым английским языком (особенно в сравнении с американским). Английский язык для англичан - не только средство отличать себя от иностранцев. Это еще и способ безошибочно определять, к какому классу общества принадлежит собеседник.
Так ли это в действительности? И, когда Англия из страны необузданных страстей превратилась в страну чопорных джентльменов?))
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Традиции в Англии - это пресловутые три кита, на которых держится земля. К некоторым аспектам жизни англичане относятся с особым почтением.
Прекрасной традицией является и хорошее образование для детей. У состоятельных людей чрезвычайно популярен вариант частной школы-пансиона, большей частью раздельного обучения.
это факт, кстати!
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- Would you like some tea?
- No.
Anarchy in UK.
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Игра слов
Boyfriend: What is your favorite music group?
Girlfriend: I love U2!
Boyfriend: I love you too, but what is your favorite music group?
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- Would you like some tea?
- No.
Anarchy in UK.
HAHAHAHAHAHHA ;D
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(http://img-fotki.yandex.ru/get/9090/90377906.36/0_c932c_63f64c6b_L)
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HAHAHAHAHAHHA ;D
I sent the picture with this text to 1 of my friends in Kansas City) He could help laughing :D
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(http://img-fotki.yandex.ru/get/9090/90377906.36/0_c932c_63f64c6b_L)
оригинальная версия транскрипции)))))))))))))))
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Это пять))))
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Отлично, точно на таком же совковом листочке видел список запрещённых в СССР групп) Как найду, выложу :)
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Интересно будет посмотреть.
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Отлично, точно на таком же совковом листочке видел список запрещённых в СССР групп) Как найду, выложу :)
да-да-да!! I want that list!
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Английский лорд потерпел крушение и выбрался на остров.
Через год спасатели находят его. На острове три хижины. У лорда спрашивают
— Зачем Вам три хижины?
— Одна — это мой дом, вторая — клуб, в который я хожу, третья — клуб, который я игнорирую.
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Идут по лесу двое охотников, и тут один внезапно падает в обморок. Второй видит, что его приятель не дышит и глаза у него остекленели. Тогда он достает мобильник и звонит в больницу.
"Слушайте, мой друг умер прямо у меня на глазах! Что мне делать?"
Дежурный отвечает:
"Ну, для начала убедитесь, что он действительно умер".
В трубке – молчание, затем выстрел. Потом охотник снова берет трубку и говорит:
"Хорошо, а что дальше?"
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Американский турист ходит с гидом по Лондону.
- Все тут у вас такое маленькое, зажатое, - говорит он. - Это здание, например, было бы в Америке раз в десять выше.
- О, конечно, сэр! Это психиатрическая клиника.
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Из последнего тонкого английского юмора понравился анекдот об английском лорде. А вам?
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И мне! :)
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Цитата: АЛЁНА link=topic=4315.msg58637#msg58637 date
— Зачем Вам три хижины?
[/quote]
Зачем прилагать усилия на постройку 3ей хижины?))))
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Цитата: АЛЁНА link=topic=4315.msg58637#msg58637 date
— Зачем Вам три хижины?
Зачем прилагать усилия на постройку 3ей хижины?))))
А чем ещё заниматься на необитаемом острове? :)
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Американский турист ходит с гидом по Лондону.
- Все тут у вас такое маленькое, зажатое, - говорит он. - Это здание, например, было бы в Америке раз в десять выше.
- О, конечно, сэр! Это психиатрическая клиника.
Замечательно!!
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Идут по лесу двое охотников, и тут один внезапно падает в обморок. Второй видит, что его приятель не дышит и глаза у него остекленели. Тогда он достает мобильник и звонит в больницу.
"Слушайте, мой друг умер прямо у меня на глазах! Что мне делать?"
Дежурный отвечает:
"Ну, для начала убедитесь, что он действительно умер".
В трубке – молчание, затем выстрел. Потом охотник снова берет трубку и говорит:
"Хорошо, а что дальше?"
Боливар не выдержал двоих!!
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Английская семья отдыхает в Германии. Во время одной из прогулок они
вдруг замечают очень симпатичный домик, который кажется им идеальным
местом для проведения следующего отпуска. Как выясняется, хозяином
домика является один священник, с которым они тут же заключают договор
аренды. Когда семья возвратилась в Англию, женщина вдруг вспомнила, что
она не видела отхожего места ни в доме, ни рядом с ним. Тогда она пишет
священнику письмо: "Уважаемый господин., пишет вам семья, которая
арендовала у вас дом. К сожалению, мы забыли выяснить, где находится WC,
не могли бы вы нам это объяснить? С уважением."
Прочтя письмо, священник не понял, что означает аббревиатура "WC", и, в
конце концов решив, что имеется в виду германо-английская церковь "WALLS
CHAPELS", написал им вот такой ответ:
"Уважаемые господа, еще раз благодарю вас за ваш выбор и имею честь
сообщить вам, что место, которое вас интересует, находится в 12 км от
дома, что не совсем удобно для тех, кто его часто посещает. В этом
случае туда можно взять с собой обед. Туда можно ездить на машине или
велосипеде или же ходить пешком, но в любом случае желательно прибыть
туда пораньше, чтобы успеть занять сидячие места и не мешать другим
посетителям. В этом месте очень приятный кондиционированный воздух, дети
усаживаются рядом с родителями, и все поют хором, а бумажный листок для
этого вам будет выдан рядом с входом. Опоздавший может пользоваться
листком своего соседа, а в конце все листки должны быть возвращены,
чтобы потом их можно было раздать бедным людям. Место оборудовано
усилителями звука, чтобы снаружи было слышно, что делается внутри. Также
имеются специальные стекла, позволяющие видеть людей в разных позициях.
Надеюсь, я дал вам достаточно подробное описание. Позвольте в свою
очередь выразить вам свои наилучшие пожелания...."
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Англичанин среднего достатка заходит в респектабельный магазин. Немного оглядевшись спрашивает продавца.
- Скажите, сколько стоит вон та шляпа?
-Тысячу долларов, Сэр.
-Черт.., А вон та?
-Два черта, Сэр.
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Звонок в особняке лорда Гамильтона. К телефону подходит дворецкий:
- Сэр ?
- Любезный, - говорит трубка, - будь добр, зайди в комнату к леди и скажи ей, что я задерживаюсь в клубе.
- Но леди уже пошла спать, сэр.
- Тем не менее пойди к ней и доложи, что я просил.
В трубке слышны удаляющиеся, а затем приближающиеся шаги дворецкого.
- Сэр, я доложил, но ваш голос ответил мне из-за двери, чтобы я убирался.
- Немедленно возьми ружье и застрели человека, который находится в спальне с моей женой ! В трубке слышны выстрелы, топот.
- Сэр, я сделал все, как вы сказали, но мужчина выскочил в окно спальни и убежал через сад.
- Но возле нашего дома нет сада !
- Значит, вы ошиблись номером, сэр.
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Турнир. Стоит девушка с яблоком на голове. Первый лучник стреляет и попадает в яблоко. Кланяется зрителям:
- I am Robin Good!
Второй лучник стреляет и сбивает яблоко. Представляется зрителям:
- I am Richard Lions Heart!
Третий лучник промахивается и убивает девушку:
- I am, I am... Sorry...
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Как будет ОКРОШКА по-английски? - Oh, baby!
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Английский юмор – не столько стиль, сколько образ жизни. Национальная поговорка гласит: «Everyone has a fool in his sleeve» — «У каждого в рукаве сидит свой дурак». Английская беседа и по сей день представляет собой разновидность серьезно-несерьезной пикировки, в которой собеседники мгновенно подхватывают предлагаемые роли и играют их в нужной манере.
Английский юмор имеет свои разновидности. Особенно глупые шутки называются the elephant jokes – «слоновые шутки». Другие разновидности английского юмора: dry sense of humour («сухое чувство юмора») – ирония, banana skin sense of humour («юмор с банановой кожурой») – достаточно примитивные шутки, когда кто-то поскользнется на банановой корке и всем смешно, shaggy-dog stories, в которых смешное основывается на алогичности высказывания.
Рассказывая английский анекдот, ощущаешь чувство лёгкого превосходства, слушая английский анекдот, ощущаешь чувство лёгкой неполноценности...
- Что такое "английский юмор"? - Это когда один очень интеллигентный джентльмен говорит другому весьма уважаемому джентльмену нечто такое, чего не понимают окружающие. Именно это обоих и забавляет..
Умирает англичанин. Собрав остатки сил, он обращается к жене:
- Я хочу, чтобы через шесть месяцев после моей смерти ты вышла замуж за Джо...
- Но я полагала, что ты его ненавидишь?!
Англичанин на последнем дыхании:
- Еще как ненавижу....
Лондон, Темза, табличка “Ловить рыбу запрещено”, под ней джентльмен, сидит с удочкой. К нему подходит полисмен:
- С Вас 10 фунтов, сэр!
- За что, сэр?
- Здесь нельзя удить рыбу!
- Я не ловлю рыбу, я купаю своего червяка!
Полисмен отходит, но появляется через 10 минут.
-Вы купаете червяка, покажите мне его! (достается из воды крючок, а на нем червяк)
- Это Ваш червяк, сэр?
- Да это мой червяк!
- С Вас 20 фунтов, сэр!
- За что?
- Здесь нельзя купаться без купального костюма!.
Закончился ужин. В сигарной комнате дома сидят два пожилых лорда:
— Скажите, Роберт, что вы думаете о беге трусцой?
— Ничего хорошего, Хьюго. Он мне не нравится.
— Почему же? Очень даже полезно в нашем возрасте!
— Возможно. Но когда я бегаю трусцой, у меня всегда проливается из стакана виски и гаснет сигара.
Тактичный англичанин чтобы сообщить секретарше, что она уволена, формулирует это так:
- Мисс Джонс, Вы так великолепно справляетесь со своими обязанностями, что я даже не знаю, что бы мы делали без Вас. Но с понедельника мы все-таки попробуем.
-
D.S.! Прочитал Ваш пост с начала до конца, потому что на редкость интересно! Буду следить за вашими постами.
-
D.S.! Прочитал Ваш пост с начала до конца, потому что на редкость интересно! Буду следить за вашими постами.
Спасибо большое. Буду стараться)
-
THE ORIGINAL METHOD
Katherine and Margaret found themselves seated next each other at a dinner-party and immediately became confidential.
‘Molly told me that you told her that secret I told you not to tell her,’ whispered Margaret.
‘Oh, isn't she a mean thing!’ gasped Katherine. ‘Why, I told her not to tell you!’
‘Well,’ returned Margaret, ‘I told her I wouldn’t tell you she told me - so don’t tell her I did.’
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Два англичанина играют в гольф. Один долго прицеливается и никак не может ударить.
- Я сегодня не уверен в себе, - как, бы оправдываясь, говорит он.
- Боюсь, что не попаду - там, вдали стоит моя жена.
- Да, - соглашается второй, - с такого расстояния трудно попасть.
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A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery.
The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The Jew says to the Arab,
"That's typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one.
The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "So what did you do with the pastries?"
The Jew replies, "Look in the Arab's back pocket....." :P
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Отличительная черта типичного английского анекдота - невозмутимость при неправдоподобных происшествиях и удивление мелким деталям на фоне общей абсурдности.
В бар заходит посетитель и заказывает две порции виски и одну порцию содовой.
Выпив и расплатившись, он поднимается по стене, проходит не спеша по потолку, спускается по противоположной стене и выходит в дверь.
Все поражены и обращают на бармена недоуменные взгляды.
"Как странно"- говорит он, - "этот человек всегда заказывал одну порции виски и две - соды".
Невозмутимость и медлительность англичан стала "притчей во языцех", причем даже сами англичане подшучивают над своими "отличительными чертами". Причем, умение посмеяться над собой считается скорее достоинством, чем недостатком.
В лодке сидят трое удильщиков.
"Какая сегодня чудесная погода!"- изрекает первый.
Проходит час, и второй возражает ему: "Нет, сегодня отвратительная погода!"
Проходит еще час, и подает голос третий: "Джентльмены, перестаньте спорить!"
Кстати, погода – это отдельная тема для шуток англичан. Свой вечный смог они высмеивают очень ласково и безобидно .
Американец, спускающийся с трапа самолета в Хитроу, при виде тумана:
- Фи, какая мерзкая погода! И долго здесь это еще будет продолжаться, вы не знаете?
Лондонец:
- Увы, сэр, ничего не могу сказать определенного. Я живу здесь только тридцать пять лет .
Высочайший пилотаж английского юмора - умение вышутить нечто сакральное и неприкосновенное, не впадая при этом в кощунство и примитивное ерничество.
"Священник едет в коляске вдоль прекрасно возделанного ржаного поля. На краю поля, опершись на изгородь, стоит фермер и курит трубку. "Добрый день, сын мой!" - "Добрый день, преподобный". - "Это ваше поле?" - "Мое". - "Замечательно!" - "Что замечательно?" - "Замечательно, когда соединяются усилия Господа и человека". - "Может, оно и так. Только поглядели бы вы, преподобный, на это поле, когда Господь хозяйничал здесь в одиночку".
Особенно глупые шутки называются "The Elephant Jokes" - "слоновые шутки". Другие разновидности английского юмора: dry sense of humour - "сухое чувство юмора" - ирония, banana skin sense of humour - "чувство юмора с банановой кожурой" - достаточно примитивные шутки, когда кто-то поскользнется на банановой корке и всем смешно, shaggy-dog stories, в которых смешное основывается на алогичности высказывания.
Английский лорд уходит из дому. Слуга провожает его и спрашивает:
- Сэр, если леди пошлет меня за вами, скажите, где вас не надо искать?
Прежде чем понять тонкий английский юмор, следует побольше узнать о культуре англичан, об их привычках. Недаром англичан считают "странными людьми". Еще бы, если п о воскресеньям в Европе даже самый бедный человек надевает свой лучший костюм, старается выглядеть пореспектабельнее, то в Англии же даже самый богатый пэр или автомобильный магнат напяливает в этот день какие-то причудливые лохмотья и не бреется. В Европе говорить о погоде не принято, в Англии же, наоборот, если не повторять после каждого приветствия "Прекрасный день, не правда ли?", собеседники очень обидятся. В Европе воскресные газеты выходят в понедельник. В Англии, стране экзотических обычаев, они выходят по воскресеньям.
В Лондоне в своем доме, в гостиной сидит англичанин, курит трубку и читает утреннюю Times. Вдруг обваливается стена, и в гостиную скрипя тормозами въезжает "Бентли", за рулем которого сидит другой англичанин. Первый спокойно переводит на него взгляд, вынимает трубку и спрашивает:
-Могу я спросить, куда сэр так торопится?
-В Манчестер, сэр!
-В таком случае, сэр, Вам лучше было бы через кухню.....
Продолжение следует
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Английский,English, English, английский. English Club. Английский клуб.
Это печатал мой внук. Пять лет! А посмотрите, какой грамотный ребенок!
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Английский,English, English, английский. English Club. Английский клуб.
Это печатал мой внук. Пять лет! А посмотрите, какой грамотный ребенок!
А в чем прикол?
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- Бэрримор, что у меня хлюпает в ботинке?
- Овсянка, сэр!
- Овсянка?! Что она там делает?!
- Хлюпает, сэр...
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Турнир. Стоит девушка с яблоком на голове. Первый лучник стреляет и попадает в яблоко. Кланяется зрителям:
- I am Robin Good!
Второй лучник стреляет и сбивает яблоко. Представляется зрителям:
- I am Richard Lions Heart!
Третий лучник промахивается и убивает девушку:
- I am, I am... Sorry...
Уважаемая Алиска! В Инглиш Клабе не мешало бы помнить, что Робин не 'Good', а 'Hood' (Робин Капюшон):
Robin Hood (spelled Robyn Hode in older sources) is a heroic outlaw in English folklore, and, according to legend, was also a highly skilled archer and swordsman.
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- Бэрримор, что у меня хлюпает в ботинке?
- Овсянка, сэр!
- Овсянка?! Что она там делает?!
- Хлюпает, сэр...
Летят Ш.Холмс и Д.Ватсон на воздушном шаре и попадают в густой туман. Кричат людям на землю:
- Мы где?
Получают в ответ абсолютно логичное:
- На воздушном шаре!
Только не надо думать, что анекдоты про англичан придумывают англичане (они для этого слишком туповаты) - их придумывают русские.
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Только не надо думать, что анекдоты про англичан придумывают англичане (они для этого слишком туповаты) - их придумывают русские.
Понятно, кэп!
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Только не надо думать, что анекдоты про англичан придумывают англичане (они для этого слишком туповаты) - их придумывают русские.
Понятно, кэп!
Концовка знаменитого русского анекдота про английскую королеву:
. . . Простите, но это приз за первое место, сэр.
Ясно, что англичане В ПРИНЦИПЕ не могли бы придумать такого. Для них королева - святое. Это только И.Грозный мог в переписке с Елизаветой назвать ее прямым текстом площадной шлюхой.
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Вы его последователь?
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Вы его последователь?
Нет, я его исследователь.
И могу много чего интересного рассказать. Если не будете банить.
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И много наисследовали, наш юный и неутомимый следопыт?
:-[
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минуточку! а КАК Вы, адмист, можете ИССЛЕДОВАТЬ Ивана Грозного?! :o Вы ЛИЧНО видели его скелет?! :o
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минуточку! а КАК Вы, адмист, можете ИССЛЕДОВАТЬ Ивана Грозного?! :o Вы ЛИЧНО видели его скелет?! :o
Берите выше! Он знает его лично.
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Английский,English, English, английский. English Club. Английский клуб.
Это печатал мой внук. Пять лет! А посмотрите, какой грамотный ребенок!
Неужели только пять лет? Действительно, такой грамотный ребенок!
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Однажды в студеную зимнюю пору
Сижу за решеткой в темнице сырой
Гляжу: поднимается медленно в гору
Вскормленный в неволе орел молодой
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Баян
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Баян
Баян
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Баян
Баян
Кому-то не терпится на нем сыграть?? ;D
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About blonds)))
An easy solution
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
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Кому-то не терпится на нем сыграть?? ;D
Баян (боян, байан и др.) — обозначение повторно опубликованной шутки или информации. При этом, в классическом понимании, информация должна быть повторно опубликована в том же самом источнике (например в том же самом форуме, или даже в том же самом разделе форума). Иными словами, репост (копирование информации из одного источника в другой), бояном в классическом понимании не является.
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Stories about silly blonds are repeatedly told by brunettes, who envy the blonds' success with men.
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Приходит английский лорд домой. Ему открывает дворецкий и говорит:
- Hу что, старый хрен, опять бухал и шлялся по девкам?
- Hет, Джон, ходил покупать слуховой аппарат...
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Приходит английский лорд домой. Ему открывает дворецкий и говорит:
- Hу что, старый хрен, опять бухал и шлялся по девкам?
- Hет, Джон, ходил покупать слуховой аппарат...
Пожилой английский лоpд, пpоснyвшись yтpом, подходит к окнy, и,
вглядываясь тyда внимательно, говоpит молодомy слyге:
- Сегодня смог.
- Поздpавляю, сэp! - отвечает слyга.
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Потрясающий английский юмор, Сергевна! Вот про слугу, сэра и окно не понял.
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Потрясающий английский юмор, Сергевна! Вот про слугу, сэра и окно не понял.
чего тут не понять?))) сэр констатирует природное явление, а слуга-ночную утеху сэра)))
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Stories about silly blonds are repeatedly told by brunettes, who envy the blonds' success with men.
Throughout history of miss Universe only a few blonders were winners)))
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Не тонкий и не английский, а наш, но забавный)):
Англичанин покупает билеты в кассе российского аэропорта:
- Ту тикетс ту Даблин.
- Куда блин?!
- Тудаблин!!!
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Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
Русская версия
Два заводских рабочих разговаривают.
Женщина говорит: "Я могу сделать так, что бы босс дал мне выходной день."
Мужчина отвечает: "И как ты это сделаешь?"
Женщина говорит: "Просто подожди и смотри". Затем она виснет вверх ногами под потолком.
Босс приходит и спрашивает: "Что ты делаешь?"
Женщина отвечает: "Я лампочка".
Тогда босс говорит: "Вы работали так, что сошли с ума. Я думаю, вам необходимо взять выходной."
Мужчина начинает следовать за ней и босс говорит: "Куда ты идешь?"
Мужчина говорит: "Я тоже пойду домой. Я не могу работать в темноте."
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- Господа, - хвастается лорд своим приятелям по клубу, - за одну ночь я наставил рога трем джентльменам сразу!
- Как это может быть?
- Я провел ночь с собственной женой.
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- Господа, - хвастается лорд своим приятелям по клубу, - за одну ночь я наставил рога трем джентльменам сразу!
- Как это может быть?
- Я провел ночь с собственной женой.
Действительно - тонкий английский юмор!
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Действительно - тонкий английский юмор!
Уже говорилось, что тонкий английский юмор сочиняется толстыми русскими . . .
Вот настоящий тонкий английский юмор:
There was an odd fellow of Tire,
Who constantly sat on the fire.
When asked “Are you hot?”
He said, “Certainly not.
I’m James Winterbotham, Esquire.”
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A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot...
A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is $10,000." the clerk said. "Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?" "This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote." "And the other?" said the customer. "This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in the back room for $30,000." "Holy moly! What does that one do?" "Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'."
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А помните анекдот про даму и шляпу?)
- Леди, вам ее завернуть, или вы наденете ее!
- О, нет! Я не собираюсь ее покупать! Просто уберете эту страшную вещь с витрины!
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Новый священник спрашивает прихожанку, как ей нравятся его проповеди.
- Изумительно. Можно сказать, мы о грехе ничего не знали, пока вы к нам не приехали! 8) ;)
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It's dark in here
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in my closet now."
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Magician
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat."
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
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English
A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality and ethics.
Then one day the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening's lecture.
The philosopher agreed and, for a while, the driver handled himself remarkably well.
When it came time for questions from the guests, a woman in the back asked,
"Is the epistemological view of the universe still valid in an existentialist world?"
"That is an extremely simple question," he responded. "So simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer that, which is exactly what he will do."
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Русский
Известный философ был в большем почете у своего водителя, который слушал его с трепетом, в то время как его босс легко отвечал на вопросы о морали и этике.
Однажды шофер обратился к философу и спросил, не хочет ли тот поменяться ролями на вечерней лекции.
Философ согласился, и поначалу водитель держался исключительно хорошо.
Когда пришло время вопросов от посетителей, женщина с задних рядов спросила,
- Актуально ли до сих пор эпистемологическое воззрение на мироздание среди экзистенциалистов?
- Это чрезвычайно простой вопрос, - ответил он, - настолько простой, что на него может ответить даже мой шофер, и именно это он сейчас и сделает.
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Великий американский писатель Марк Твен был большим шутником. Поэтому в свободное от работы время он любил писать в различные газеты опровержения о своей смерти. Что-то вроде «Слухи о моей смерти сильно преувеличены».
В конце концов, он достал всех редакторов газет, и они договорились к этому сообщению приписывать «К сожалению».
(http://www.fresher.ru/manager_content/images2/obratnaya-storona-genialnosti/4.jpg)
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A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his tatties (A Scots word for potatoes). An American farmer looked over the fence and said "In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!" The Scotsman replied "Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths!"
Шотландский фермер на своем поле выкапывал картошку. Американский фермер заглянул через ограду и сказал: "В Техасе мы выращиваем картошку в 5 раз больше, чем эта!". Шотландец ответил: "А, да мы просто растим ее под свои собственные рты!"
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Tracker
A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop. The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing.
The tribesman began to speak... "woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h."
"That's amazing" exclaimed the father. "You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground"?
"No", said the old tribesman. "They just ran over me five minutes ago!"
Tracker
A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop. The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing.
The tribesman began to speak... "woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h."
"That's amazing" exclaimed the father. "You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground"?
"No", said the old tribesman. "They just ran over me five minutes ago!"
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Sherlock Holmes and Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you retard. It tells me that some bastard has stolen our tent!"
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Irish Wife
At the 1998 World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."
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Magician
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat."
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
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Advice
A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, "Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home? The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket ... and I'll hold the chickens."
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Salesman of the Year
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. "Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says, "$101,237.64." Boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing"
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Women Logic
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary !)
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400…correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
Where's your Ferrari?
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Blonde and lawyer quizz
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
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"On a mountain" joke
There were 10 blondes and 1 brunette hanging on a rope in the mountains. the rope was very weak and the brunette said someone had to let go. no one volunteered, until the brunette finally said she would let go, and gave a heart-felt speech. hearing this the blondes started clapping...
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Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.
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Three rich brothers each wanted to do something special for their elderly mother on Mother's Day. The first brother bought her a huge house. The second brother gave her a limousine, with a driver. The third brother remembered that his mother used to love to read the Bible, but couldn't see well anymore, so he got her a specially trained parrot that could recite any verse from the Bible on demand.
Soon, the brothers received thank-you notes from their mother. The first son's note said, "The house you bought me is much too big! I only live in a small part of it, but I have to clean the whole thing!" The second son got a note that said, "I rarely leave the house anymore, so I hardly use the limo you gave me. And when I do use it, the driver is so rude!" The third son's note said, "My darling baby boy, you know just what your mother loves! The chicken was delicious!"
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An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.
When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.
"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."
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A soldier stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women.
The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson & music books.
Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door.
"Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look at you... let me hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much!"
The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."
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One Sunday morning Joe burst into the living room and said, "Dad, Mom, I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, Joe's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you.. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
Joe was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We are getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, Joe, I am very sorry about this."
Joe was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I am never going to get married", he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."
His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."
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A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees a beautiful young woman sitting alone at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the pub started staring at them. Naturally, the guy was terribly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you just then. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
At this the guy responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean? $300?"
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Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!
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A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?" The Manager replied, "Which one? We have, 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95 ...
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ...
'Barbie goes shopping for $19.95 ...
'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95...
'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 ...
and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."
"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" Dad asked surprised.
"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."
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Puppy Love
Killer Standup
Brad had been dating Elaine for months and had fallen in love with her. After much planning and hand wringing, he finally managed to screw up his courage long enough to declare his love and pop the big question.
"Being a bachelor is great," Brad began, "but in every man's life the time comes when he yearns for the company of another individual, an individual who will consider him perfect like a hero; an individual who he can treat as completely his own; who will be caring and true during difficult times; and who will share in his delights and sorrows."
Much to his joy, Brad saw an understanding look dawning in Elaine's eyes. Nodding her head in agreement Elaine declared, "What a wonderful idea, Brad! I just know I can help you find the perfect puppy!"
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How to Find Love
A very depressed looking customer goes into a bar and declares, "Bartender, please help me. I can't take this anymore."
The bartender pours him a stiff drink and asks, "What's bothering you sir?"
"Well, bartender, I'm 30 years old and I am having no luck finding love. No matter what I do, I only manage to frighten women away."
"Don't worry, sir, your problem is not serious. I see it everyday working here. All you have to do is to develop a stronger sense of self-esteem. To do that you must go to your bathroom mirror every morning right after you wake up. Look at your reflection in there and say to yourself, "I am a good guy, a fun guy, and an attractive guy". If you say this with absolute certainty and confidence, in just one week women will love you and begin flocking to your side.
The man is happy with this assessment and leaves the bar after paying his tab eager to try out the bartender`s advice and find love. Three weeks later, however, he goes back to the same bar looking every bit as depressed as before.
"What`s the matter, sir? Was my advice effective?" asks the bartender.
"Oh, it was very effective. During the past three weeks I've had some of the best times in my life with the most attractive women I have ever met."
I don`t understand. What's your problem then?"
"Oh, I don't have a problem anymore," the man says. "My wife`s the one with the problem now.
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My Love You Seem So Familiar
An extremely drunk man walks into a bar. He looks around for a while and, after staring at the only woman seated at the bar for some time, stumbles over to her and kisses her full on the lips. Shocked and outraged, she jumps up and slaps him hard. He apologizes immediately and explains, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. I love my wife and you look just like her."
Not convinced of his innocence the woman yells," I don't think you love anyone but yourself, you stupid, useless, crazy, drunk!".
"Wow this is amazing," he hiccups, "You also speak just like her."
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A Womans wise ways of showing love
Lenny walks into the bar and finds his friend Jim sitting there, looking very depressed.
"Hey, why the long face Jim? What's going on with you," Lenny asks.
"Oh, it's all my wife's doing," replies Jim sadly. "She's hired a new personal assistant for me."
"Well, I don't see anything wrong with that," Lenny says, "Your wife must really love you to take care of you like that."
"Oh yeah my wife must really love me," says Jim rather unenthusiastically.
"See, I knew it, nothing to worry about. So, is your new assistant blonde or brunette?"
"He's grey haired with a beard!"
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Devoted love on the special Day
Over breakfast one day, a woman asked her husband, "You don't know what day this is do you?"
Feeling that his love for her was being questioned he answered in a huff, "Of course I do! How could you accuse me of forgetting?" With that he kissed her and left for work.
Later that morning, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, a flower delivery guy handed her a box of a dozen beautiful pink roses. Early that afternoon, a silky gift wrapped box of her favorite fancy chocolates were delivered to the house. Later in the afternoon, the local jeweler dropped off a little box with the most beautiful diamond earrings. By early evening, the woman couldn't wait for her husband to get home. As soon as he walked through the door she ran up to him and kissed him full on the lips.
"You wonderful loving man you," she declared. "First the flowers, then the chocolate and then the earrings!" she exclaimed. "If you treat me this wonderfully on World Environment Day, I can't wait to see what you'll do for our anniversary!"
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You Can Hurry Love
A young man and his pretty bride rush in to see their minister at the church.
"We want to get married, Reverend. Here are all our papers, and these two people are our witnesses. Can you please do a quick ceremony?"
The minister is amused. He marries the two love birds, takes his money but then hesitates and asks, "I know you two are in love, but I would be remiss not to caution you that it is not wise to marry in a hurry. Why are you two in such a rush anyway?"
Rushing his new wife out before him the young man runs into the street shouting over his shoulder "Because we are parked in a 'no standing' zone!"
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Nice jokes! Thank you!
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Blonde at School
One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, "Hey, Mommy! Mommy! Today in school we learned to count. The other kids could only count to three but I can count to Ten..... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
The mother responds, "Very good honey." The blonde asks, "Is that because I'm a blonde mommy?" And the mother responds, "Yes dear."
Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said, "Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! .... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!"
The mother says, "Very good honey." The blonde then asked. "Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?" The mother responds, "Yes dear."
The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts. Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?"
And the mother responds, "No Honey, it's because you're twenty five."
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Expecting a baby
For weeks a six-year-old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
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Fred wants to get married!
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
-
God will provide!
A young woman brings home her fiancee to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
-
Lie-Clocks
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St.Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
-
Mother Knows Best
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how John and his roommate Julie looked at each other. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this only made her more curious. By the end of the evening she was convinced there was more between them than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie went to John saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, John."
The next day, John received a response from his mother that read:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."
-
Mother's advice
Mother to daughter advice:
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
-
Thanksgiving Divorce
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
-
You are next
When I was young I didn't like going to weddings.
My grandmother would tell me, "You're next"
However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.
-
Where is God?
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.
They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?”
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The youngest brother gasped for breath and replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time dude. God is missing and they think WE did it!"
-
Waiting for you!
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.
In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've Arrived!
I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
(P.S. Sure is hot down here!)
Shelly
-
Blonde at School
The mother responds, "Very good honey." The blonde asks, "Is that because I'm a blonde mommy?" And the mother responds, "Yes dear."
Oh, I hate when somebody says "honey" or "hon". >___<
But anyway nice joke!
-
Английский юмор на экране: громкий хохот за кадром и невозмутимость на лице шутника: Чарли Чаплин, мистер Бин, Бенни Хилл. Кто вам нравится больше?
-
Two men were leaving a museum. One of them said: “That was a pretty big tip you gave to the checkroom girl.” “It seemed only fair,” said the other, “Look at the beautiful new overcoat she gave me!”
-
One famous composer was once invited to dinner. The dinner was delicious: the guests were served big juicy pieces of mutton, pork and lamb. After the meal the host’s daughter played some pieces by Beethoven, Mozart and Brahms. When the concert was over the girl’s mother came to the composer and asked: “Maestro, which piece did you like most of all?” “The piece of lamb,” was the answer.
-
A speaker talking for more than two hours said to his audience: “I am sorry, I spoke so long. You see, I haven’t got a watch with me.” “Yes,” shouted one of the audience, “but there is a calendar back of you.”
-
One day a software engineer drowned at the sea. There are many people on the beach and they heard him crying out. But no one understood what he was trying to say. Can you guess what he was trying to say? “F1, F1”!
-
Four women living in the neighborhood were invited to a party. They were discussing about the dress they would wear for the party. They finally decided to choose the color that matches with the hair color of their husband.
The first woman told, ‘I will go with red as my husband colored his hair red’
The second woman said, ‘I always prefer black as my husband’s hair color is naturally black!’
The third woman told, ‘Yeah, then I do prefer to go with yellow dress as he has blonde hair!’ (yellow)
The fourth woman was quiet. All the other insisted her about her preferred color.
She said, ‘I was thinking a lot but can’t choose any color, I can’t wear any dress because my husband is bald!’
-
What is Two and Two?
A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant, "What is two and two?"
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two."
The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.
The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Brown, two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?" The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice..."How much do you want it to be?"
He got the job.
-
The Ruthless Executive
A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there, he saw a sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said Socialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an extremely long line, while no-one was in front of the Capitalist Hell. The executive asked the guard, "What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?"
The guard replied, "They whip you, boil you in oil, and then put you on the rack."
"And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?"
"The same exact thing," the guard answered.
"Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?"
"Because in Socialist Hell, they're always out of whips, oil, and racks!"
-
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: «Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap. The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: «‘He lives in a home with four children — he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?
-
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said «OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish! The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, «I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?» The genie laughed and said, «That’s impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete . . how much steel!! No, think of another wish!» The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, «I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when theygive me the silent treatment . . . know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say, ‘nothing’ . . . know how to make them truly happy». . . The genie said, «You want that bridge with two lanes or four?»
-
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, “When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller; You don’t love me any more…” — “Nonsense, darling,” replied the husband, “you just cook better now. ”
-
Smart blonde joke
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks andNeeds to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Finally... a smart blonde joke.
-
OK, so there's this blonde driving down the road in her brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 Lamborghini. She's cruisin' about 95, radio blaring, having a great time. She comes up on this trucker who is carrying a double-wide home and is taking up both lanes. To her disliking, he is only going about 45. To get the point across that she wants to get past, she decides to tailgate him. So, she gets to within a foot of his rear bumper. The trucker looks back and sees her on his ass, and motions for her to get off of it, but to her it looks like a wave and she waves back. Since her first attempt was futile, she decided to get a little closer and begin flashing her headlights, hopefully making herself more visible in the process. Once again the trucker sees her on his ass, and this time motions for her to pull over to the side of the road.
The trucker steps out of his vehicle with a chunk of chalk and draws a circle three feet in diameter in the middle of the road. He instructs her not to move until he tells her to. Naive as she was, she agrees to it and steps inside it.
The trucker goes back to his truck and pulls out a 50-ounce Louisville Slugger. He walks over to the Lamborghini and beats it, and beats it, and beats it again. When he is done, all that is left is a brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 pile of metal. Satisfied, he throws the bat in his truck and walks over to the blonde. When he gets there, to his astonishment, she is rolling around on the street laughing hysterically. He asks her, "Why are you laughing? I just beat the crap out of your car!!" She is laughing too hard to respond, but between giggles he can make out, "While you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle!"
-
A blonde, who had just dyed her hair, went to the hospital because her whole body hurt. She told the doctor that where ever she touched herself it would hurt. The doctor told her to demonstrate.
She touched her nose and it hurt. She touched her stomach and it hurt. The doctor asked her if she was a blonde and she said yes. “Look Here Lady, your finger is broken!”
-
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked: ‘Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and
one for cold milk?’
-
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. ‘I love you so
much that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom
window.’
-
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his
dad: ‘Why is he whispering in her mouth?’
-
During a particularly violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small child into bed when the boy stopped her from turning off the bedroom light. "Mommy, will you sleep in my bed tonight?" he asked, voice trembling. His mother smiled and said "I'm sorry, sweetie, but I have to sleep in Daddy’s bed." The boy was silent for awhile before uttering: "Daddy's a big sissy."
-
After tucking her children into bed, a mother changed out of her daytime clothing and jumped in to a nice relaxing shower. However, her shower ended quickly, as she could hear her children begin to wrestle and call each other names. By the time she had stepped out of the shower and wrapped her body and hair in some towels, the children had become quite rambunctious. Annoyed, the mother flung open the door to the bedroom and demanded that her children go to bed. As she was walking down the hall, she heard her daughter turn to her sibling and say: "Who was that?"
-
One day, a man was driving his daughter home after school when he accidently pressed his car horn. Embarrassed, the father admitted to his daughter that he had done it by accident. "I know, Daddy” she replied. Curious, the father asked: "How do you know?" He could barely hold in his laughter when his daughter innocently replied: "Because you didn't yell JERK afterwards."
-
Kids' Logic
Killer Standup
6-year-old Jimmy, a precocious kid, always told everyone he wanted to be a doctor when he grew up. One day as Jimmy was running through his house playing, he ran into the corner of a table and hurt his eye. Being a little kid, Jimmy cried for a while but also kept saying, "Oh no, now I can never be a doctor when I grow up."
Jimmy’s mom trying to reassure him told Jimmy that he could still be a doctor but Jimmy kept insisting that he couldn't.
Finally she asked, "Why can't you be a doctor, Jimmy?"
Holding one hand over his injured eye, Jimmy said, "Because now I will have to be a pirate!"
-
Kids' Logic
Killer Standup
6-year-old Jimmy, a precocious kid, always told everyone he wanted to be a doctor when he grew up. One day as Jimmy was running through his house playing, he ran into the corner of a table and hurt his eye. Being a little kid, Jimmy cried for a while but also kept saying, "Oh no, now I can never be a doctor when I grow up."
Jimmy’s mom trying to reassure him told Jimmy that he could still be a doctor but Jimmy kept insisting that he couldn't.
Finally she asked, "Why can't you be a doctor, Jimmy?"
Holding one hand over his injured eye, Jimmy said, "Because now I will have to be a pirate!"
Да, пират должен быть одноглазым. Но зачем так длинно и по-английски?
Вон, Черномырдин все говорил гораздо короче, емче, сочнее и по-русски:
- Никогда этого не было, и вот опять . . .
Никакой английский юмор рядом не стоял.
-
Да, пират должен быть одноглазым. Но зачем так длинно, и почему по-английски?
Вон, Черномырдин все говорил гораздо короче, емче, сочнее и по-русски:
- Никогда этого не было, и вот опять . . .
Никакой английский юмор рядом не стоял.
Поясняю: юмор не должен быть комментируемым; даже "тонкий английский".
Вот пример НАСТОЯЩЕГО английского юмора:
There was a young person of Ayr,
Whose head was remarkably square:
On the top, in fine weather,
She wore a gold feather;
Which dazzled the people of Ayr
-
Latter from husband ( who is abroad) to wife
Dear Sweetheart:
I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses.
You are my sweetheart
Your husband
Allen
============ =========
His wife replied back after some days to her husband:
Dearest sweetheart,
Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three
kisses instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given
him Some other items....... ....
5. Other expenses 40 kisses
Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35
kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance.
Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise!!!
-
A Student wrote a letter to is father from hostel:
dear Dad...!
No Money, No Fun
Your son!
His Father Replied:
Dear Son!
So Sad, Very bad.
Your Dad!
-
Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can"t understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.
-
Meaning Of WIFE
Husband asks, Do u know the meaning of WIFE. It means...
Without Information Fighting Everytime!
WIFE on hearing this says, it could also mean-
With Idiot For Ever.
-
The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
-
Expiry Date Of Marriage
Wife: Honey: What are You Looking for in that paper ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an
hour ??
Husband : I was just looking for the expiry date.
-
Would You Remarry
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the
wife looks over at him and asks a bold question.
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "Shit."
-
Some of them are so interesting!
-
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.
One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."
The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."
POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."
POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.
The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"
The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."
-
Why can't a blonde dial 911?
She can't find the eleven.
-
A blonde decides she wants to go ice fishing. So she goes to the library and reads and researches ice fishing. Then she goes to the sporting goods store and buys everything she needs.
Then she finally thinks she is ready so she goes out to the ice and starts drilling a hole. Suddenly she hears a voice from up above. It says: "There are no fish under the ice."
So she decides to go farther down on the ice. She starts drilling and she hears the voice again: "There are no fish under the ice."
So she packs up her things and moves down the ice again. She starts drilling and she hears the voice again, "There are no fish under the ice."
"Is that you Lord?" she says.
"No," says the voice, "I'm the manager of the ice hockey rink."
-
A blonde goes into a music store and asks the guy who works there where the country music CD's are.
The salesman replies, "Try the other side."
So the blonde moves to his other ear and says, "Where are the country music CD's?"
-
A blonde was cooking dinner, when her kitchen caught on fire. So she called 911 and said, "My kitchen is on fire!"
They asked, "How do we get there?"
The blonde said, "Well, DUH, the big red truck!"
-
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
-
Two blondes and a brunette fell off a cliff, handing on to a rope for dear life. The rope was tearing from the weight of the three girls, so the brunette says, "One of us has to jump or we'll all die." The blondes looked at each other and decided the brunette should jump because she was the ugliest. The brunette jumps, but the two blondes let go of the rope when they clapped.
-
A police officer saw a car speeding down the highway.
He started chasing after the speeder . When he got close he's saw it was a blonde woman who was actually knitting while driving.
The cop yelled, "Pull over!"
The blonde shouted back, "No! It's a sweater!"
-
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
-
A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops.
"Yes," says the blonde.
"Are their lights on?"
The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."
-
Two hedgehogs are in the middle of the road and they're by a zebra crossing. One says, "Don't cross here!"
The other one says, "Why not?"
The first one says, "Look what happened to this zebra!"
-
Barnyard Poem"
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were alone
Just she and I
Her hair was brown
Her eyes were too
I knew just what
She wanted to do
So with my courage
I did my best
And placed my hand
Upon her breast
I trembled and shook
And felt her heart
Slowly she spread
Her legs apart
I knew she was ready
But I didn't know how
It was my first try
At milking a cow
-
Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.
His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"
His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"
-
A blonde and her father are walking down a street when the father says, ''Look, a dead bird.''
And the blonde looks up and says, ''Where?''
-
A little old man stumbles into a biker bar and asks, "Does anyone knows who's Doberman Pincher is outside chained up?
The burliest, ugliest and hairiest guy in the joint stands up and mutters, "It's mine old timer? What's it to you?"
"I hate to be the bearer of such dreadful news, but I believe the poor beast has passed on," explained the old man.
"What? Are you sure? How did he die?" asked the shocked biker guy. "It seems that my dog killed him, I'm sorry to say," replied the old man.
"I don't buy it," remarked the biker in disbelief, "No dog could beat my Brutus.
"It's true, my Gunther killed him."
"Oh yeah? Well, what kind of dog is your Gunther, anyway?"
"A Chihuahua," answered the old man.
"There is no way that a measely little Chihuahua could have killed Brutus. No way."
"If you don't believe me, take a look for yourself," instructed the man, "It looks he tried to swallow him whole and choked to death."
-
The child and his mother:
A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”
The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.”
-
Will’s experience at the airport:
After his return from Rome, Will couldn’t find his luggage in the airport baggage area. He went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that his bags hadn’t shown up on the carousel.
She smiled and told him not to worry because they were trained professionals and he was in good hands.
Then she asked Will, “Has your plane arrived yet?
-
Mouthology:
A Professor was traveling by boat. On his way he asked the sailor:
“Do you know Biology, Ecology, Zoology, Geography, physiology?
The sailor said no to all his questions.
Professor: What the hell do you know on earth. You will die of illiteracy.
After a while the boat started sinking. The Sailor asked the Professor, do you know swiminology & escapology from sharkology?
The professor said no.
Sailor: “Well, sharkology & crocodilogy will eat your assology, headology & you will dieology because of your mouthology.
-
Captain:
A navy captain is alerted by his First Mate that there is a pirate ship coming towards his position. He asks a sailor to get him his red shirt.
The captain was asked, “Why do you need a red shirt?”
The Captain replies, “So that when I bleed, you guys don’t notice and aren’s discouraged.” They fight off the pirates eventually.
The very next day, the Captain is alerted that 50 pirate ships are coming towards their boat. He yells, “Get me my brown pants!”
:D
-
Elephant:
The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an “E”. One boy says, “Elephant.”
Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a “T”. The same boy says, “Two elephants.”
The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behavior. After that she asks for an animal beginning with “M”.
The boy shouts from the other side of the wall: “Maybe an elephant!”
-
Elephant:
The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an “E”. One boy says, “Elephant.”
Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a “T”. The same boy says, “Two elephants.”
The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behavior. After that she asks for an animal beginning with “M”.
The boy shouts from the other side of the wall: “Maybe an elephant!”
But.
Do you know, what does it mean an 'elephant'? I realize you fail.
'Elephant' is merely a 'big animal', and nothing else. So your joke is very trivial.
In Russian 'Слон' was always a 'big animal', but not a 'Слон с хоботом; просто Крупное животное'.
Прошу прощения, что я ломаю тему, но просто не могу не сказать, что СЛОН - это не слон. У меня есть куча картинок, но чуть позже.
-
I wonder why the blonds have been attacked as allegedely silly and stupid creatures by the females of other colors. Isn't that because the blonds, the natural ones, are very rare and very much preferred by the gentlemen?
-
blondes for love brunettes 4 work)))
-
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says, "That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
-
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''
Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''
-
I often feel guilty
Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."
"NO!!!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"
-
Loud, mad, or sad
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
-
Low self-esteem
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
-
A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.
He asks the shopkeeper "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog!"
-
There were three restaurants on the same block. One day one of them put up a sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the City."
The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the World."
On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said "The Best Restaurant on this Block."
-
A woman got on a bus, holding a baby.
The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
-
James was walking down the road one morning when he met his friend Danny.
"Morning, Danny. Err... Danny, you're wearing a glove on one hand and none on the other. Did you know?"
"Yes, well I heard the weather forecast this morning, you see."
"The Weather forecast?"
"Yes, the weather forecast. The forecaster said on the one hand it might be fine but on the other hand there might be some rain."
-
A man got a parrot which could already talk. It had belonged to a sailor and had a big vocabulary. However, the man soon discovered that the parrot mostly know bad words. At first he thought it was funny, but then it became tiresome, and finally, when the man had important guests, the bird's bad words embarrassed him very much.
As soon as the guests left, the man angrily shouted at the parrot, "That language must stop!" But the bird answered him with curses. He shook the bird and shouted again, "Don't use those ugly words!" Again the bird cursed him.
Now the man was really angry. He grabbed the parrot and threw him into the refrigerator. But it had no effect. From inside the refrigerator, the parrot was still swearing. He opened the door and took him out, and again the bird spoke in dirty words and curses. This time, the man opened the door of the freezer, threw the bird into it, and closed the door.
This time there was silence. After two minutes, the man opened the door and removed the very cold parrot. Slowly the shivering parrot walked up the man's arm, sat on his shoulder and spoke into his ear, sounding very frightened:
"I'll be good; I promise...Those chickens in there... what did they say?"
-
A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
The bartender says "What can I get you?"
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd): No, I'm afraid we don't.
And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar.
The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, hops up on a bar stool.
Bartender: Hi. What can I get for you?
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (a little annoyed): Hey! Weren't you in here yesterday? Look buddy, we don't have any grapes. OK?
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door.
The next day, at the same time, the bartender is cleaning some glasses when he hears a familiar voice.
Duck: Umm... Do you have any grapes?
The bartender is really ticked off.
Bartender: Look. What's your problem? You came in here yesterday asking for grapes, I TOLD you, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES!! Next time I see your little ducktail waddle in here I'm going to nail those little webbed feet of yours to the floor. GOT me pal?
And the duck hops off the bar stool and waddles out.
The NEXT day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, walks up to the bartender and the bartender says, "What the heck do YOU want?"
Umm… do you have any nails?
What!? OF course not.
Oh. Well, do you have any grapes?
-
A man's dog has a problem so he takes him to the vet's. The vet looks at the dog and says that he'll have to take him to the examining room. In the examining room, he takes a cat out of a cage and lets the cat walk all over the dog, but the dog doesn't do anything.
The doctor says "Your dog is dead."
The man goes out to the receptionist and asks for his bill.
"That'll be $325" says the receptionist.
"What! $325? How's that possible?"
"It's $25 for the consultation, and $300 for the Cat scan."
-
The two beginning ESL students went to Honolulu on holiday. Soon they began to argue about the correct way to pronounce the word "Hawaii." One student insisted that it's Hawaii, with a "w" sound. The other student said it was pronounced like "Havaii," with a "v" sound.
Finally, they saw an old native on the beach, and asked him which was correct. The old man said it's "Havaii." The student who was right was very happy, and thanked the old man.
The old man said "you're velcome."
-
Every day, an ESL teacher was seen coming out of the rest room with a marker, used for writing. In the rest room were expressions and graffiti written on the walls. It was very bad. Finally, the Director of the school called the teacher into the office and told the teacher that it was terrible of him to write those things on the walls. The teacher said that he was not the one writing those things. All that the teacher did was to correct the grammar.
-
"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy.
"Why not, son?"
"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day."
"But why don't you want to go today?"
"Because our English teacher died yesterday!"
-
Three rich brothers each wanted to do something special for their elderly mother on Mother's Day. The first brother bought her a huge house. The second brother gave her a limousine, with a driver. The third brother remembered that his mother used to love to read the Bible, but couldn't see well anymore, so he got her a specially trained parrot that could recite any verse from the Bible on demand.
Soon, the brothers received thank-you notes from their mother. The first son's note said, "The house you bought me is much too big! I only live in a small part of it, but I have to clean the whole thing!" The second son got a note that said, "I rarely leave the house anymore, so I hardly use the limo you gave me. And when I do use it, the driver is so rude!" The third son's note said, "My darling baby boy, you know just what your mother loves! The chicken was delicious!"
-
A preacher was told by his doctor that he had only a few weeks left to live. He went home feeling very sad, and when his wife heard the sad news she said to him, "Honey, if there's anything I can do to make you happy, tell me."
The preacher answered, "You know, dear, there's that box in the kitchen cabinet with what you always called "your little secret" in it and you said you never would want me to open it as long as you lived. Now that I'm about to go home to be with the Lord, why don't you show me what's in that secret box of yours?"
The preacher's wife got out the box and opened the lid. It contained $100,000 and three eggs.
"What are those eggs doing in the box?" the preacher asked.
"Well, Honey," she replied, "every time your sermon was really bad I put an egg in the box."
Now the preacher had been preaching for over forty years, and seeing only three eggs in that old shoe box, he started to feel very proud about himself and it warmed his soul.
"And what about that $100.000?" he asked.
"Oh, you see," she whispered softly, "every time there were a dozen eggs in the box, I... sold them."
-
A man goes out of prison after twenty years. He decides to go back to the neighborhood where he lived. When he gets there he cannot recognize the place. Everything has changed a lot. The places he used to visit have all disappeared. Even the pub has disappeared. He is very tired and would like to have something to eat. He goes into a small cafe? and has a coffee and a sandwich. When he takes out his wallet he finds a shoemaker ticket in it. He then remembers that the last thing he had done before being arrested was to take a pair of shoes to the shoemaker's. He decides to go there and try. What a wonderful thing! The shoemaker is still at the same place. He gets into the shop and tells the shoemaker that about twenty years before he had left him a pair of shoes to have them repaired. The shoemaker has a look at the ticket and says: "O.K. Come back tomorrow. They will be ready then." Some things never chang
-
One Saturday afternoon the grasshopper, the snail, and the centipede were sitting around the grasshopper's house drinking beer.
They ran out of beer before they were ready to quit drinking, so they decided one of them should go out for more beer.
The snail said, "I'd go, but I'm kind of slow. Besides, Grasshopper, this is your neighborhood so you know where to go."
The grasshopper said, "I don't mind going, but my hopping will shake up the beer and we'll get sprayed every time we open one."
So they decided to send the centipede; and the grasshopper explained how to get to the nearest liquor store.
An hour or so passed and still the centipede hadn't returned, so the snail and the grasshopper decided to go look for him.
They got as far as the front door and found the centipede sitting there putting on his shoes.
-
An American lawyer invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him in his mountain cabin. Early in the morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they were picking blueberries, along came two big Bears - a male and a female.
The lawyer, seeing the two bears, climbed a tree.
His friend wasn't so lucky and the male bear caught him and swallowed him whole.
The lawyer drove his car to town as fast has he could to get a policeman. The policeman took his gun and ran to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" said the lawyer, pointing to the male.
The policeman looked at the bears, took careful aim with his gun, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"What did you do that for!" shouted the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"
"Exactly," answered the policeman. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"
-
Station Master and a Lady Passenger
A lady was running to catch a train to Bangalore. She reached the station and was searching for the train.
Passenger: (Asked to the station master) Sir, is this my train?
Station Master: No Madam, this is not your train, it’s railways department’s train.
Passenger: (Annoyed) That’s a good joke. Don’t act too smart. What I meant was, can I take this train to Bangalore?
Station Master: No ma’am, you cannot! This train is so BIG and you can’t take it.
Passenger: Its really funny! Now say me, will this train take me to Bangalore?
Station Master: NO ma’am. The train can’t take you. The train driver will drive it to Bangalore!
The passenger fainted!
-
During a cold winter day a wife messaged to her husband that “the Windows frozen”.
Husband replied to pour some warm water on them.
After a while husband received a message again “No way, the computer is completely spoilt now”.!
-
Four women living in the neighborhood were invited to a party. They were discussing about the dress they would wear for the party. They finally decided to choose the color that matches with the hair color of their husband.
The first woman told, ‘I will go with red as my husband colored his hair red’
The second woman said, ‘I always prefer black as my husband’s hair color is naturally black!’
The third woman told, ‘Yeah, then I do prefer to go with yellow dress as he has blonde hair!’ (yellow)
The fourth woman was quiet. All the other insisted her about her preferred color.
She said, ‘I was thinking a lot but can’t choose any color, I can’t wear any dress because my husband is bald!’
-
Jennifer was taking an afternoon sleep on New Year’s Eve prior to celebrations. When she woke up, she said George, her husband, that “dear, I dreamt that you have gifted me a diamond ring as a New year present. What does it all means?”
George simply smiled and answered “wait dear, you will come to know tonight”.
At midnight, when the New Year was chiming, George gifted her with a small package. Jennifer excitedly opened the package quickly and she found a book named “Dreams and the meaning of dreams”!!
-
Missing Baggage
Rosy just get off the flight and reached the baggage area to collect her luggage. She was a month’s tour to Europe and just returned home. She was very tensed as she could not find her luggage, where she had all the things shopped in the Europe. The tensed Rosy approached the baggage in-charge and informed that she arrived from France and she could not find her baggage in the carousel. The in-charge smiled and ask Rosy to stay calm. She informed Rosy that they were professionals with expert training and they would find her luggage and hand over it to her.
Rosy was relaxed. The officer in-charge asked her about the color, number of bags, brand etc. Rosy replied.
Finally, the officer in-charge asked her ‘Has your flight arrived?’ Rosy Fainted.
-
Teacher to Danny: Danny, why you are not writing?
Danny: Ma’am, I don’t has a pen
Teacher: Danny, you said a wrong sentence. The correct form is I don’t have a pen, he doesn’t have a pen and we don’t have a pen.
Danny: oh Ma’am! Who stole all the pens then?!
-
A woman went to a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
Women: "It`s for my husband.
Shopkeeper: "Did he tell you what type should buy?"
Women: "Are you kidding?”,"He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him today!"
-
A man entered a cool bar and ordered a milk shake, but suddenly he got a telephone call. So before attending call he took a napkin and wrote, “The World’s Strongest Weightlifter,” and left it under his glass to make sure nobody drinks his milk shake.
But he was shocked when he returned, the glass was empty. Now at spot of old napkin there was a new napkin with new writing that said:
“Thanks for the treat!”
“The World’s Fastest Runner”
-
(http://files3.adme.ru/files/news/part_89/898010/15206010-R3L8T8D-850-17.jpg)
the котик
-
A BIG DECISION
A six-year-old boy walked up to his father one day and announced, 'Daddy, I'd like to get married.'
His father replied hesitantly, 'Sure, son, do you have anyone special in mind?'
'Yes,' answered the boy. 'I want to marry Grandma.'
'Now, wait a minute,' said his father. 'You don't think I'd let you get married with my mother, do you?'
'Why not?' the boy asked. 'You married mine.'
-
LET THEM BURGLE!
Mrs. Smith was fond of reminding her husband that the silver was hers, the piano and the furniture was her. In the middle of the night she was awoke by noises downstairs. She shook her husband: ”Henry,” she whispered. ”Get up. There are burglars downstairs.”
“Burglars,” said Mr. Smith. ”Well, let them burgle! There is nothing of mine down there!”
-
NOTHING CAN STOP ME
A naval cadet wrote to his sweetheart:
"For your sake I’m ready for any exploit! I can swim across the Pacific, brave a part of shark, walk to you under water for miles and miles!"
All that sounded convincing. Then he added:
"Neither storm or hurricane can stop me!"
P.S: ‘I will come to see you on Saturday if it does not rain'
-
At the doctor's
The doctor tells his patient: "Well I have good news and bad news..."
The patient says, "Lay it on me Doc. What's the bad news?"
"You have Alzheimer's disease."
"Good heavens! What's the good news?"
"You can go home and forget about it!"
-
Hearing problems
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
-
I never can remember
I was walking with my son and passed by an old age home. We heard two old people having a conversation, and this is how it went:
” I can’t stand it anymore I never can remember what I just said!”
”Oh really when did this problem start?”
”What problem?”
-
— Where have you has spent your vacation, Roger?
— First three days — in the Alps.
— But rest?
— Rest — in a plaster...
-
"So, Nick, how do you like your new mother?" a newly remarried father asks his little son.
"You know, Daddy," the boy replies sadly, "I think they fooled us; she doesn`t look new at all!"
-
Одна британская леди говорила, что при появлении незваных гостей она всегда надевает туфли, шляпку и берет зонтик. Если человек ей приятен, она воскликнет: «Ах, как удачно, я только что пришла!». Если неприятен: «Ах, какая жалость, я должна уходить».
(http://files2.adme.ru/files/news/part_75/752210/preview-650x390-650-1408687688.jpg)
-
What do Viagra And DisneyLand have in common?
They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!!
-
Пелем Грэнвилл Вудхаус - Так держать, Дживс!
(http://i.livelib.ru/boocover/1000544112/l/4f8d/Pelem_Grenvill_Vudhauz__Sobranie_sochinenij._Tom_1._Dzhivs_i_Vuster.jpg)
Блистательные, полные искрометного юмора рассказы Вудхауса, в которых верный Дживс, умница, стратег и непревзойденный мастер по приготовлению напитков, приводящих в чувство после вечерних попоек, как обычно, бросается на помощь своему легкомысленному хозяину и находит выход из абсолютно безвыходных ситуаций.
-
What do Viagra And DisneyLand have in common?
They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!!
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him,"If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
-
One of my favorite funny English stories. Enjoy it and see how Continuous is used in it
"Thomas? What is the matter with your brother?" asked the mother of the boys.
"He is crying", replied Thomas,"because I am eating my cake and won"t give him any."
"Is his own cake finished?" asked the mother.
"Yes, and he cried while I was eating that, too."
-
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him,"If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
Это банальный парафраз русского анекдота про Вовочку. Вот еще один из той же серии:
- Сегодня, дети, мы с вaми будем игрaть в литерaтурную угaдaйку! Кaкое словa нaчинaется нa "П" и зaкaнчивaется нa "Н"?
Петя:
- Пушкин!
- Молодец! Мне очень нрaвится ход твоей мысли! А кaкое слово нaчинaется нa "Л" и зaкaнчивaется нa "В"?
Верa:
- Лермонтов!
- Умницa! Ход и твоей мысли мне нравится!
Вовочкa:
- Мaрьвaннa, а можно вопрос?
- Дa, спроси, деткa!
- Кaкое слово нaчинaется нa "Х", а заканчивается нa "Й" крaткое?
- Вон из клaссa! Немедленно! Зaвтрa с родителями!...
Вовочкa, выходя:
- Вообще-то это Хемингуэй, но мне о-о-очень нрaвится ход Вaшей мысли!
-
Непростая шутка о неправильном употреблении will и shall с модальными значениями. Кто поймет - молодцы, кто не поймет - могу разъяснить :)
A frequently quoted joke that illustrates the consequences of using shall and will incorrectly:
A foreign tourist was swimming in an English lake. Taken by cramps, he began to sink. He called out for help:
“Attention! Attention! I will drown and no one shall save me!”
Many people were within earshot, but, being well-brought up Englishmen and women, they honored his wishes and permitted him to drown.
-
Double vodka
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodka." The barman says "Wow! you must have had one really bad day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife..."
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What marketing is
Now I understand what marketing is:
You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You approach her and tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Direct Marketing.
You are at a party with a group of friends and you see a very pretty girl. One of your friends approaches her and tells her: "That guy over there is very good in bed". That is Advertising.
You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You ask for her phone number. The following day you call her and tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Telemarketing .
You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You recognize her, you approach her and refresh her memory by telling her: "Do you remember how good I am in bed?" That is Customer Relationship Management.
You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You get up, fix your tie, pour her a drink, open the door for her, pick up her bag when it falls and you tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Public Relations.
You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. She approaches you and tells you: "I heard you are very good in bed". That is BRANDING!!
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Who am I?
Night. A sleeping couple is lying in a bed. Door bell rings. A couple wakes up. Woman: "Quick! My husband is back!" Man jumps out from a window. Flying down he starts to think: "Shit! But I am the husband!"
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Dear Santa...
Boy - "dear Santa, for xmas, I would like a baby brother."
Santa - "Send me your mother."
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A talking Frog
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
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Together again
Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.
At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together."
A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
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Question: How many letters are there in the English alphabet?
Answer: 18 letters! 3 in "the", 7 in "English", and 8 in "alphabet".
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Известная английская поговорка гласит, что у каждого в рукаве свой дурак — Everyone has a fool in his sleeve.
:applodisment:
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An English teacher
An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
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Camel
-What is your name?
-Abu-Dabi
-How old are you ?
-i am 25
-sex?
-twice in a day
-no no no male or female?
-Ohh male. female. sometimes camels
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Why study?
The more we study, the more we know
The more we know, the more we forget
The more we forget, the less we know
the less we know, the less we forget
The less we forget, the more we know
Why study? :)
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Latex factory
A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"
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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales...
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
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HEGS
The Doctor tells his patient that he has H-E-G-S "What's that?", the patient asks. "It's a combination of Herpes, Encephalitis, Gonorrhea and Syphyllis." The patient wants to know if there's a cure, to which the Doctor responds, "We have to keep you in a hospital room and feed you nothing but pancackes." "Why only pancackes?", asks the patient. The Doctor answers, "They're the only thing that will fit under the door."
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A perfect choice
A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds: Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is good in bed. About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and legs on her front porch. "I'm here about your ad," he says. "You must be mistaken," she says. "Let me explain," he says. "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms. And I can't run away because I don't have any legs." "But," she asks, "How do I know you're good in bed?" "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
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Patient: (to cosmetic-surgeon) 'Will it hurt, doctor? Surgeon: 'Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown'.
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A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in it. He turns around to push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her breast. He says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be able to forgive me." She looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 204."
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One day Mongo is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate. "Whatcha doin?" he asked. Mongo replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him." "That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor. Mongo shot back, "That's because he's inside your fuckin' cat!'
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A doctor, an engineer, and a politician...
A doctor, an engineer, and a politician were arguing as to which profession was older. "Well," argued the doctor, "without a physician mankind could not have survived, so I am sure that mine is the oldest profession." "No," said the engineer, "before life began there was complete chaos, and it took an engineer to create some semblance of order from this chaos. So engineering is older." "But," chirped the triumphant politician, "who created the chaos?"
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A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: "Da-ad..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..." "WHAT??!!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
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The Barber Shop
This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
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Bra sizes
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F and G are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for... It is about time you became informed!
{A} - Almost Boobs... {B} - Barely there. {C} - Can't Complain! {D} - Damn! {DD} - Double damn! {E} - Enormous! {G} - GEEEEzus Christ! {F} - Fake.
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Divorced Barbie Doll
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Barbie Divorced
Work Out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Ballerina Barbie for $19.95
and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs and answers: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends and a key chain made with Ken's private parts."
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Big FrankBig Frank - Funny Story
Big Frank was having his hair styled at the hairdresser's when a lorry smashed into a car, outside. Draped in a cape, his hair divided with aluminium clips, Frank, an ex-paratrooper corporal raced out to the car and found the driver unhurt.
The lorry driver, however, was slumped over the wheel, unconscious. Big Frank lost no time in applying his army acquired CPR techniques, including mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. The lorry driver recovered consciousness several times, but kept passing out again.
Soon the ambulance arrived with the paramedics and took over, and Frank returned to his barber's seat. 'I just don't understand why he kept passing out,' he said to the hairdresser. 'I did everything they taught me.'
'Well, put yourself in the lorry driver's place, 'said the hairdresser. 'He's driving down the street without a care in the world. The next thing he knows, he's waking up to see some big guy in a green cape with a head full of wires pounding on his chest and kissing him. You'd pass out too'
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Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
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I can not sleep well because of this global financial crisis!
- Well, I sleep like a baby!
- Really???
- Yes, I wake up each hour and cry!
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A group of children is playing outdoors.
"I have a sister and each of us has her own room," one girl says.
"I have two sisters and one brother, and each of us has a bike," a boy brags.
"Well, there are eight children in my family," another girl says, "and each one of us has his or her own father!"
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How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
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The Fastest Father
Three boys are at school bragging of how great their fathers are.
The first one says, “Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow.”
The second one says, “Ha! You think that’s fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet.”
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: “You two know nothing about being fast. My father works for the city. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!”
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The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, «You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes? » — «Why? «- Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.»
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At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"
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A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first.
She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birthprocess, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question.
The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"
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Honeymoon is over
Henry and Olivia got married and left for* their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said the mother, "how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic…" Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Henry started using the most horrible language — things I’ve never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come and take me home ...PLEASE MAMA!"
"Olivia, darling," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words are you talking about?" "Please don’t make me tell you, mama", wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed — they’re just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said,
"Oh, mama ...words like: Dust, Wash, Cook, Iron..."
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School Question
Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."
Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"
Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"
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To teach a young man, about 30 years old, to use the past simple tense, I gave him a scenario to use. "Your friend came to visit from New York. You took him on a tour of your city. Tell us what happened."
He replied, in complete seriousness, "He came and stayed at my apartment. The next day we went to the metro to go on a tour of the city. We went downstairs, he got on the train, the doors closed, train left and I haven't seen him since! It been three weeks!"
I still laugh at how clever that was. And he used the tense correctly!
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
- Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.
Watson replies, - I see millions of stars.
- What does that tell you?
Watson ponders for a minute.
- Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.
- Watson, you're idiot, someone has stolen our tent.
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Mary’s boyfriend was once invited to a family dinner. After the meal the young man said dreamly: “I haven’t had such a tasty dinner for ages!” – “Neither have we,” said Mary’s younger brother.
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One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU ….".
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What's the definition of a pessimist? A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.
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A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
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Charles was getting annoyed and shouted upstairs to his wife, "Hurry up or we'll be late."
"Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"
А wonderful example of a Present Perfect Continuous as used in a joke.
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A True English Rose
There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were named Emily, Maggie and Rose.
After approximately 14 hours, Emily staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, Maggie crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, Rose finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, 'I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms.'
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A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in a school play.
"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"
The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!"
The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."
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At an auction in Manchester a wealthy American announced he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it. From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!'
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A man asked for a meal in a restaurant. The waiter brought the food and put it on the table. After a moment, the man called the waiter and said:
"Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!"
"Please don't speak so loudly, sir," said the waiter, "or everyone will want one."
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Two Americans are talking. One asks: "What's the difference between capitalism and communism?"
"That's easy" says the other one. "In capitalism man exploits man! In communism it is the other way around!"
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не рассматривали возможность просмотра на Английском клубе замечательного сериала "Дживс и Вустер"? Там и английский прекрасный, и юмор - тонкий, и манеры, и психология...
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A man asked for a meal in a restaurant. The waiter brought the food and put it on the table. After a moment, the man called the waiter and said:
"Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!"
"Please don't speak so loudly, sir," said the waiter, "or everyone will want one."
How can that be translated?
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не рассматривали возможность просмотра на Английском клубе замечательного сериала "Дживс и Вустер"? Там и английский прекрасный, и юмор - тонкий, и манеры, и психология...
Сериал хороший, но достаточно сложный для понимания....
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да нет... там есть серии очень простые... просто, когда я учила язык, я всё время смотрела ток-шоу (для понимания "народного" разговорного) и такие вот сериалы (для классического языка)
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Confused People
In a psychiatrist’s waiting room two patients are having a conversation.
One says to the other, “Why are you here?”
The second answers, “I’m Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here.”
The first is curious and asks, “How do you know that you’re Napoleon?”
The second responds, “God told me I was.”
At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, “NO I DIDN’T!”
-
Question:
If a man was born in Italy, went to America and died in San Francisco, what would he be?
Answer:
Dead!
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Все - таки странные люди: прошлой зимой все жаловались на снег и мороз, этой все жалуются на жару и грязь.
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Все - таки странные люди: прошлой зимой все жаловались на снег и мороз, этой все жалуются на жару и грязь.
А кто-то жаловался на снег и мороз? Открытие для меня!
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Why God Created Lawyers
Satan was complaining bitterly to God, "You made the world so that it was not fair, and you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes. Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault. Sure, I'm evil, but give me a break. Can't you do something to make them stop blaming me?"
And so God created lawyers.
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Why God Created Lawyers
Satan was complaining bitterly to God, "You made the world so that it was not fair, and you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes. Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault. Sure, I'm evil, but give me a break. Can't you do something to make them stop blaming me?"
And so God created lawyers.
God created the natural numbers, everything else is the men's handiwork.
Classic.
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A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.
He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"
She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."
He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
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Woman is on a bus
A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
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To BOrn to be wild. I''ve chosen stories from the EGE English book. The numbers are 1.1, 1.2, 1.4, 1.5, 1.7, 1.9,1.13... To be continued...
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I'll buy the book tomorrow and have a look. The shop is still closed.
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See if you can do this. Read each line aloud without making any mistakes. If you make a mistake you MUST start over or it won't work.
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top...
Betcha can't resist passing it on ;)
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Hello. BORN TO BE WILD! I''VE JUST read the crazy assignment about a ce r t a i n cat. I hope you won't introduce it into our ENglish club. Some people might start serious work on it. Hope to hear from you soon.
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Hi! Why not? This could be funny. Have just bought the book. Looked through the chosen stories. Deal. Found some more. Here are the numbers: 1.16, 1.17, 1.21, 1.37, 1.39, 1.40. I think we should record them, too. I think I'll manage to arrange these days. Waiting for approval.
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Russian sientists
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C.
The Russians used a pencil.
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Born to be wild, hello again! I've read your variants and liked all of then, particularly about the pocket money, we could intro duce it into the list. I' ll try to send the variants in pairs.
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The Portrait
A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
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Born to be wild, hello again! I've read your variants and liked all of then, particularly about the pocket money, we could intro duce it into the list. I' ll try to send the variants in pairs.
Ок. Will be waiting.
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Why are single men thin and married men fat?
Because when you are single, you get home,
open the refrigerator, see the same thing and go to bed.
When you are married, you get home,
go to your bedroom, see the same thing and go to the fridge.
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Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?"
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Man: How can you tell if a man is happy?
Woman: Who cares?!
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Виски
Англия. Лондон. Раннее утро. Бар. Бармен за стойкой протирает стаканы. Вдруг сквозь стену входит человек, кидает на стойку монетку, выпивает стакан виски, закусывает стаканом и выходит в противоположную стену. Бармен, удивленно вскидывая бровь:
- Хм! Виски с утра?!
-
Американский солдат возвращается с фронта и едет по Англии в поезде. Все сидячие места заняты, только в одном купе сидит англичанка, напротив нее на сидении - собачка, рядом - англичанин. - Леди, разрешите мне присесть! - Вы, американцы, все очень грубые! Вы что, не видите, тут сидит моя собачка! - Но леди, я очень устал, я воевал три месяца на фронте, я хочу сесть! - Вы, американцы, не только очень грубы! Вы еще и надоедливы! - Леди! Я тоже люблю собак, у меня дома их аж две. Давайте я сяду и подержу вашу собачку на руках! - Вы, американцы, не только очень грубы и надоедливы! Вы просто невыносимы! После этих слов американский солдат берет собачку, выкидывает в окно и садится. Леди теряет дар речи. Сидящий рядом англичанин говорит: - Знаете, молодой человек! Я вовсе не согласен с ее определением американцев, но я позволю себе заметить, что вы, американцы, делаете многие вещи не так. Вы ездите не по той стороне проезжей части, держите вилку не в той руке, а сейчас вы выбросили в окно не ту суку!
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At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"
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Two kids are talking.
- My dad works twelve hours a day, so that I can have a comfortable home and decent clothes. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. However, I can not relax from all the worry.
- But you are living a fairytale life! What are you so worried about?
- Well, what if they try to escape?
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A duck in the shop
A duck walks into a shop and asks the manager:
-Got any fresh fruit?
-No.
-Got any fresh vegetables?
-No.We have only dry goods.
The next day the duck returns:
-Got any fresh fruit?
-No.
-Got any fresh vegatables?
-No.I told you yesterday,we have only dry goods.If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question,I will feed you with nails!
On the 3rd day the duck walks in and asks:
-Got any nails?
-No.
-Got any fresh fruit?
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Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says: "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies: "And how would you do that?"
The woman says: "Just wait and see."
She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says: "What are you doing?"
The woman replies: "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says: "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says: "Where are you going?"
The man says: "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
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Question: Why did God create the man before he created the woman?
Answer 1: The answer that men give: To give him the chance to enjoy Heaven on Earth for a few moments.
Answer 2: The answer that women give: Everyone makes a draft first!
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BEFORE MARRIAGE
John- Ah... At last. I can hardly wait!
Sue: - Do you want to leave me?
John:- NO! Don't even think about it.
Sue: - Do you love me?
John:- Of course! Always have and always will!
Sue:- Have you ever cheated on me?
John:- No! Why are you asking?
Sue: - Will you kiss me?
John:- Every chance I get.
Sue:- Will you hit me?
John:- Hell NO! Are you crazy?
Sue:- Can I trust you?
John:- Yes
Sue:- DarlingAFTER MARRIAGE
(read from bottom back to the top)
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- I have good news and bad news, the defense lawyer says to his client.
- «What’s the bad news?»
- Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene.
- Dammit!» cries the client. What’s the good news?
- Well,» the lawyer says, «Your cholesterol is down to 140.
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Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.
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A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Russian are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden.
The Frenchman says, "They must be French, they’re naked and they’re eating fruit."
The Englishman replies with, "Clearly they’re English. Observe how politely the man is offering the woman the fruit."
The Russian then notes, "They are Russian of course. They have nothing to wear, nothing to eat, and they think they are in paradise."
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Wrong Email Address
A Michigan couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of their hectic jobs, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So the husband left Michigan and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down to join him the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email for messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, the widow screamed and fainted. Her son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, then read the computer screen:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
I know you’re surprised to hear from me! They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I just arrived and have been checked in. I’ve seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. – Sure is freaking hot down here!
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(Под впечатлением от английского юмора, решил придумать свою шутку, не судите строго, я волновался.)
Один парень сказал : "Я хочу купить все машины на свете". И как вы думаете, что ему ответил второй?? Он ответил : " А я не хочу". :biggrin: Норм?Смешно?
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(Под впечатлением от английского юмора, решил придумать свою шутку, не судите строго, я волновался.)
Один парень сказал : "Я хочу купить все машины на свете". И как вы думаете, что ему ответил второй?? Он ответил : " А я не хочу". :biggrin: Норм?Смешно?
ЛУЧШИЙ АНЕКДОТ ИЗ ВСЕХ. УВАЖУХА,БРО!
-
Над чем англичане любят смеяться?
Над всем! Начиная от самих себя, заканчивая членами королевской семьи и правительством. Да, нам порой анекдоты на английском непонятны, не по причине незнания слов или языка, а по своему содержанию, именно то, что высмеивается. Все дело в разном менталитете, воспитании, привычках и обычаях. Так и некоторые наши шутки могут быть «не смешными» англичанам, ведь все построено на игре слов. А переводя русские анекдоты на английский, иногда они теряют свой ироничный смысл.
Любимыми поводами для смеха или иронии считается погода и особый уклад страны. Пообщавшись с жителями Великобритании, вы убедитесь, что они как и мы, любят пошутить на любую тему. Порой они уже и сами не замечают, что прозвучала шутка, это уже стало их образом мышления.
Где можно встретить английский юмор?
Везде! При личном контакте — очень часто. Хочется дать совет. Даже если вы не поняли шутку, из вежливости лучше будет улыбнуться или посмеяться. Так вы сможете «установить контакт» со своим собеседником. При просмотре телепередач, фильмов, прослушивании радиотрансляции постоянно используются шутливые высказывания. Да, если дословно перевести английский анекдот, то получается нелепица или совершенно не смешная фраза. А так хочется понять, что же «он там такое сказал, как он привлек внимание, как он загладил вину» и так далее. Именно поэтому мы предлагаем вам посмотреть список наиболее популярных english jokes. Разберитесь в них, загляните вовнутрь английской души, а тем самым сделаете огромный прорыв вперед в изучении языка.
An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: «woman without her man is nothing». The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly. The men wrote: «Woman, without her man, is nothing.»The women wrote: «Woman! Without her, man is nothing.»
Учитель написал слова на доске: «женщина без ее мужчина(ы) ничего», и попросил расставить правильно знаки препинания. Мужчина написал: «Женщина, без ее мужчины, ничто». Женщина написала: «Женщина! Без нее мужчина ничто»
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Praying for Gifts
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
“I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE…
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO…
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR…”
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said,
“Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.”
To which the little brother replied, “No, but Grandma is!” Не плохой выбор!
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Англичанин и швед играют в гольф. Мимо поля проходит траурная процессия. Англичанин снимает шляпу и стоит так минуту. Потом надевает шляпу и возвращается к игре.
— Какой трогательный жест, — говорит швед.
— А как же иначе, — отвечает англичанин, — мы всё же 50 лет были женаты.
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A: Why are you crying?
B: The elephant is dead.
A: Was he your pet?
B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.
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Knock
Knock
Knock, knock
Knock, knock, knock
Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock
Who's there?
Fibonacci
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В Англии гид проводит экскурсию американцу. Американец:
— Всё у вас в Англии маленькое, вот например это здание в Америке было-бы в 10 раз больше.
— Конечно, сэр, это же психушка!
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Старожил одного шотландского городка заметил, что в парке вывешено новое объявление: "Не ходите по газонам. За нарушение - штраф один шиллинг". Он подошел к полицейскому и спросил:
- Почему снизили штраф? Ведь раньше было три шиллинга?
- Пришлось. За три шиллинга никто не хотел ходить по газонам.
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Англичанин и швед играют в гольф. Мимо поля проходит траурная процессия. Англичанин снимает шляпу и стоит так минуту. Потом надевает шляпу и возвращается к игре.
— Какой трогательный жест, — говорит швед.
— А как же иначе, — отвечает англичанин, — мы всё же 50 лет были женаты.
Русско-немецкая быль.
Был у нас на кафедре в МГУ немец-аспирант, пунктуальный, как часы, всегда приходил на семинар ровно в 15.00.
Но однажды говорит:
- Можно, я приду в 16.00?
- А что такое?
- Да в 15.00 у меня свадьба.
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В английском клубе на приеме один лорд обращается к другому:
- Сэр, я слышал, что вы недавно похоронили свою жену. Какое горе! А что с ней случилось?
- Вы знаете, сэр, она умерла...
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В Англии гид проводит экскурсию американцу. Американец:
— Всё у вас в Англии маленькое, вот например это здание в Америке было-бы в 10 раз больше.
— Конечно, сэр, это же психушка!
Адмисту понравится !!! :applodisment: :biggrin:
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Knock
Knock
Knock, knock
Knock, knock, knock
Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock
Who's there?
Fibonacci
где смеяться ?? :dumaet: :facepalm:
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(Под впечатлением от английского юмора, решил придумать свою шутку, не судите строго, я волновался.)
Один парень сказал : "Я хочу купить все машины на свете". И как вы думаете, что ему ответил второй?? Он ответил : " А я не хочу". :biggrin: Норм? Смешно?
не-а ! :facepalm:
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Виски
Англия. Лондон. Раннее утро. Бар. Бармен за стойкой протирает стаканы. Вдруг сквозь стену входит человек, кидает на стойку монетку, выпивает стакан виски, закусывает стаканом и выходит в противоположную стену. Бармен, удивленно вскидывая бровь:
- Хм! Виски с утра?!
:applodisment: :applodisment: :applodisment:
-
Knock
Knock
Knock, knock
Knock, knock, knock
Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock
Who's there?
Fibonacci
где смеяться ?? :dumaet: :facepalm:
не Ваш уровень, извините!
P.S. "Интернет-поиск" освоили? Тогда Google Вам в помощь) Слова пдсказки: просодия, числа Фибоначчи
P.P.S. Народ, как думаете, осилит наша freya? Болеем за нее!!!
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podderzka podderzka podderzka
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Три англичанина играют в преферанс. Вист - 10 фунтов. Один из них играет мизер, получает 4 взятки. Разрыв сердца, похороны, гроб несут его партнеры по последней пуле. Один другому:
- Сэр Джон, а вы знаете, если бы покойный сэр Вильям тогда зашел бы в пику, а не в бубну, то мы бы ему дали 6 взяток вместо
- И так неплохо получилось.
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Mark to his teacher: Sir my parents wanted me to tell you that they were really pleased with my last report
in parent teacher’s meeting.
Teacher: But I told them you were a complete idiot.
Mark: Yeah, it’s the first time that anyone in our family has been really good on something.
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Missing Husband
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, “He’s 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.”
The next-door neighbor protested, “Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.”
The wife replied, “Yes, but who wants HIM back?”
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(http://www.isok.ru/img/full/f8774b7fb80a74b5a47293224544355f.jpg)(http://www.isok.ru/copyr.png) (http://www.isok.ru)
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John returned home late and found a naked man in his wife's bedroom closet.
"Hey, what are you doing in there?"
"I'm riding a bus."
"That's a stupid thing to say!"
"That's a stupid thing to ask!"
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The beginning of the operation. The anaesthetist leans over the patient to put an anesthetic mask. The patient smells the booze breath and exclaims:
- Doctor, you are drunk!
The anaesthetist gives the patient a tender slap in the face.
- Am I drunk? You should have seen the surgeon!
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Would You?
One evening, a wife decides to ask her husband a question. “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”
“Well,” says the husband, “we all need companionship, so I suppose someday I would.”
“Hmm,” says the wife. “Well, would she live in this house?”
“We’ve spent a lot of time and money getting this house just the way we want it,” says the guy, “so I guess she would.”
“Would she sleep in our bed?”
“Well, it seems a shame to waste a perfectly good bed,” says the husband, “so I guess she would.”
“Would she use my golf clubs?”
“Of course not,” says the husband. “She’s a lefty.”
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Violin Practice
Little Harry was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of Harry’s violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, “For pity’s sake, can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?”
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Улыбнуло!
Да, почему бы не сыграть что-нибудь, чего пес не знает!?
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Violin Practice
Little Harry was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of Harry’s violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, “For pity’s sake, can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?”
Неплохая шутка!
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Who Is The Boss?
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect.
Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss.” He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. “Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”
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Enemies Are All Around
It was World War II, and the captain was attempting to rally the GIs on the eve of a big offensive.
“Out there,” said the captain, “is your enemy. The man who has made your life miserable, who is working to destroy you; the man who has been trying to kill you day after day throughout this war.”
Private Johnson jumped to his feet. “My God! The cook’s working for the Germans!”
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Американец в британском ресторане: "I would like a bloody steak" Официант: "Would you like some fucking potatoes to go with it?"
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Whose Dad Makes The Most Money
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem and they give him $50.”
The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song and they give him $100.”
The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And, it takes eight people to collect all the money!”
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Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat.”
Little Johnny replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.”
The man asked, “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?”
Little Johnny answered, “No, he minded his own business!”
candy [ˈkændɪ] - леденец, конфета
bench [bɛntʃ] - скамейка, скамья
mind one's own business - идиома, переводится "заниматься своим делом, не лезть в чужие дела"
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A teacher asks her class: Who is smart here? Put up your hand.
Then all the boys and girls except Peter raise their hand. П
Teacher: Peter, why aren’t you raising your hand?
Peter: Because if I raise my hand then you’ll be all alone
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Double vodka
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodka." The barman says "Wow! you must have had one really bad day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife..."
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What marketing is
Now I understand what marketing is:
You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You approach her and tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Direct Marketing.
You are at a party with a group of friends and you see a very pretty girl. One of your friends approaches her and tells her: "That guy over there is very good in bed". That is Advertising.
You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You ask for her phone number. The following day you call her and tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Telemarketing .
You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You recognize her, you approach her and refresh her memory by telling her: "Do you remember how good I am in bed?" That is Customer Relationship Management.
You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You get up, fix your tie, pour her a drink, open the door for her, pick up her bag when it falls and you tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Public Relations.
You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. She approaches you and tells you: "I heard you are very good in bed". That is BRANDING!!
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A doctor, an engineer, and a politician...
A doctor, an engineer, and a politician were arguing as to which profession was older. "Well," argued the doctor, "without a physician mankind could not have survived, so I am sure that mine is the oldest profession." "No," said the engineer, "before life began there was complete chaos, and it took an engineer to create some semblance of order from this chaos. So engineering is older." "But," chirped the triumphant politician, "who created the chaos?"
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You’ll Get Your Chance In Court
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the desk sergeant.
“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
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Teacher: Paul. Give me a sentence beginning with "I".
Paul: I is the...
Teacher: No, Paul . You must say "I am" not "I is."
John: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
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What did Anne Boleyn's mother say when her daughter said that she had fallen in love with Henry the VIII and was going to marry him?
That man's not worth losing your head over.
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- What does the Loch Ness monster eat?
- Fish and ships
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Не на английском, но очень актуальный.
Сидят на лавочке старушки и обсуждают новость — брал губернатор взятки или его "подставили"? Мимо проходит Митяй — бывший зэк: "потерпите бабусеньки, скоро узнаем: если подстава — то посадят; если брал — то выпустят".
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Late one night a robber wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs:
"Give me your money," he demanded grimly.
Scandalized, the man replied,
"How dare you, I’m a US Congressman!"
"Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!"
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** Life is not fair. Get used to it.
** The real world won't care as much about your self esteem as your school does. It'll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock.
** Sorry, you won't make $75,000 a year right out of high school.
** If you think your teacher is tough, wait until you get a boss.
** Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.
** It is not your parents' fault. If you screw up, YOU are responsible.
** Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room, and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are.
** Life is not divided into semesters and you DON'T get summers off.
** Smoking does not make you look cool. It makes you look like a moron.
** You are not immortal.
** Your school may be outcome-based. Life isn't.
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Teacher: Elinor please point to America on the globe.
Elinor: It's here.
Teacher: Well done. Now Little Johnny, who found America?
LIttle Johnny: Elinor did.
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Rainy Days
A newcomer to Seattle arrives
on a rainy day.
She gets up the next day
and it's raining.
It also rains the day after that,
and the day after that.
She goes out to lunch
and sees a young kid
and, out of despair, asks:
"Hey, kid, does it
ever stop raining around here?"
The kid says,
"How should I know?
I'm only six."
-
Teacher: What is the purpose of having school?
Student: Without school there wouldn't be a reason for holidays and summer vacation.
-
A motorist speeding along a highway
at 80 miles an hour
was stopped by a policeman.
"Was I driving too fast?"
asked the motorist apologetically.
"Hell no,"
replied the policeman.
"You were flying too low."
-
A successful old lawyer
A successful old lawyer
tells the following story about
the beginning of his professional life:
"I had just installed myself
in my office", he said,
"had put in a phone
and had preened myself for my first client
who might come along
when, through the glass of my door
I saw a shadow.
Yes, it was doubtless some one to see me.
Picture me then,
grabbing the nice, shiny receiver
of my phone and plunging
into an imaginary conversation.
It ran something like this:"
"Yes. Mr. Dmitri" I was saying
as the stranger entered the office,
"I'll attend to that corporation
matter for you".
Mr. Dmitri "had" me on the phone
this morning and wanted me to settle
a damage suit,
but I had to put him off,
as I was too busy with other cases.
"But I'll manage to sandwich
your case in between the others somehow"
I said.
Being sure, then,
that I had duly impressed
my prospective client,
I hung up the receiver
and turned to him.
"Excuse me, sir,"
the man said
"but I'm from the telephone company.
I've come to connect your instrument."
-
A: Look at your face! I know what you had for breakfast.
B: What was it?
A: Eggs.
B: No, that was yesterday.
-
No reason to stop!
A great speaker, while speaking to a large audience, paused and said "I'm afraid I've kept you too long." And a voice in the rear replied , "Go on, sir, it's still raining."
-
Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.
-
An engineer was taking a walk
when a frog spoke to him
and said,
"If you kiss me,
I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He picked up the frog
and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke again
and said,
"If you kiss me
and turn me back into a beautiful princess,
I'll become your girlfriend."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket,
smiled at it and put it back
into his pocket.
The frog spoke again
and said,
"If you kiss me
and turn me back into a princess,
I'll become your wife."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket again,
smiled at it and put it back
into his pocket.
Finally, the frog said,
"What is the matter?
I'm a beautiful princess.
Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said,
"Look, I'm a busy engineer.
I don't have time for a girlfriend
or a wife,
but a talking frog,
now that's cool."
-
It was a sleepy sort of day,
the class was about half the usual size
and the Prof. was calling the roll in a half-absent manner.
To each name someone had answered
"here" until the name "Smith" was called.
Silence reigned supreme for a moment
only to be broken by the Prof's voice.
"My word!
Hasn't Mr. Smith any friends here?"
-
- Что такое по-английски "I dоn`t knоw"?
- Я не знаю
- Вот, кого ни спрошу - никто не знает.
-
Once a famous phonetician came to give a lecture at the university. He emphasized that in fact there are numerous rules of pronunciation. For example, he said, if the first letter in a word is an s followed by a vowel, it should always be pronounced as s and never as ∫ . There is only one exception to this rule, he added: the s in sugar should be pronounced as ∫. At this point, a student asked: ‘Are you sure, sir?’
-
Doctor, Doctor, my arm is broken in three places.”
“Well stay out of those places.”
-
Немного черного английского юмора.
Кто-то приходит на похороны и задает вопрос: I’m late?
Ему отвечают: Not you, sir. She is.
-
Police arrested two kids yesterday: one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other off.
-
И правильно! Не может же Бог следить одновременно и за яблоками и за печенюшками? :biggrin:
In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
-
Those are the only colours
A lady who was a very uncertain driver
stopped her car at traffic signal which was against her.
As the green flashed on,
her engine stalled,
and when she had restarted it
the colour was again red.
This flurried her so much
that when green returned
she again stalled her engine
and the cars behind began to hoot.
While she was waiting for the green the third time
the constable on duty stepped across
and with a smile said:
"Those are the only colours showing today, ma'am."
-
Игра слов (pun) в английском языке - типичный источник английского юмора. Например:
1. There’s a terrible smell in the local Apple store; it’s a shame they don’t have Windows.
2. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
3. I have an irrational fear of speed bumps; but I’m slowly getting over it.
4. The invention of the pickaxe was ground breaking.
5. People keep telling me I’m too sceptical, but I don’t believe them.
-
Single men and married men
Why are single men thin
and married men fat?
Because when you are single,
you get home,
open the refrigerator,
see the same thing
and go to bed.
When you are married,
you get home,
go to your bedroom,
see the same thing
and go to the fridge.
-
Ежегодно в Эдинбурге проводится фестиваль стэндапа. Это такой смотр новых талантов Британии, которые в течение года оттачивали свое мастерство перед посетителями пабов. Практически все современные британские юмористы прошли через подмостки эдинбургского фестиваля.
Вот вам последние шутки из репертуара этого года. Требуется определенное знание реалий, но я постарался выбрать те, которые могут быть понятны иностранцу со знанием английского.
1) My dad suggested I register for a donor card - he's a man after my own heart;
2) I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words;
3) Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask;
4) Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer.
-
$100 Bill
A: Why are you late?
B: There was a man who lost
a hundred dollar bill.
A: That's nice.
Were you helping him look for it?
B: No, I was standing on it.
-
“the pen is mightier than the sword and considerably easier to write with.”
- Marty Feldman
-
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
- Les Dawson
-
Интересно, выражение "тонкий английский юмор" придумали сами англичане? И когда она появилась впервые?
-
Едет священник вдоль прекрасно возделанного ржанного поля. Внезапно на краю встречает фермера, курящего трубку:
- Добрый день, сын мой!
- Добрый день, преподобный
- Это ваше поле?
- Мое
- Замечательно!
- Что замечательно?
- Замечательно, когда соединяются усилия Господа и человека
- Может, оно и так. Только поглядели бы вы, преподобный, на это поле, когда Господь хозяйничал здесь в одиночку
-
Интересно, выражение "тонкий английский юмор" придумали сами англичане? И когда она появилась впервые?
Перечитала. Извините за грамотность(( Выражение - оно, юмор - он. Почему "она"? :dumaet: нет мне оправданий :hang:
-
Перечитала. Извините за грамотность(( Выражение - оно, юмор - он. Почему "она"? :dumaet: нет мне оправданий :hang:
Сейчас объясню.
Это выражение появилось так.
Сидели себе англичане в доме-крепости и дули пили файф-о- клок вприкуску. Ели они свою некрасивую колбасу и сэндвичи с огурцом. В-общем, культурно развлекались. Ещё они беседовали о всяких хаю дую ду и погоде в Ярмуте.
И тут появилась ОНА! Тонкая и прекрасная БАНШИ! Попросила колбасы, ей вежливо отказали. Тогда она обиделась. Сильно так. И каааак закричит тонко-тонко! Уииииии! Может быть она кого-то и покусала, я не помню. Но! После этого все стали смеяться тооооненькими голосами. Долго так смеялись. Ещё лет 30.
С тех пор и появилось это выражение. И называют его ОНА, потому что боятся банши.
Всё :)
-
Спасибо! Ну теперь-то всё понятно! Приятно поговорить со знающим человеком!
-
“A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history: with the possible exception of handguns and Tequila.”
- Mitch Ratliffe
-
Спасибо! Ну теперь-то всё понятно! Приятно поговорить со знающим человеком!
Обращайтесь
-
It hurts!
A man goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks,
"What do you mean?"
The man says,
"When I touch my shoulder,
it really hurts.
When I touch my knee - OUCH!
When I touch my forehead,
it really, really hurts."
The doctor says,
"I know what's wrong with you.
You've broken your finger!"
-
Иногда я понимаю этот "тонкий" английский юмор, а иногда нет... А вы?
-
Немного шотландского юмора):
Why do all Scots have a sense of humour? Because it's a free gift.
Bagpipes-defined as the missing link between music and noise.
"The Scots have an infallible cure for sea-sickness. They lean over the side of the ship with a ten pence coin in their teeth."
"In some Scottish restaurants they heat the knives so you can't use too much butter."
McTavish broke the habit of a lifetime and bought two tickets for a raffle. One of his tickets won a 1,000 pound prize. He was asked how he felt about his big win. "Disappointed" said McTavish. "My other ticket didn't win anything"
Notice on Scottish golf club: Rule No 979: A ball cannot be picked up as lost at least until it has stopped rolling.
-
Бернард Шоу в 1931 году телеграфировал Черчиллю: «Забронировал вам два билета на премьеру моей новой пьесы. Приходите с другом, если у вас есть хоть один»
Черчилль сочинил ответную телеграмму:«Не могу посетить первое представление. Пришел бы на второе — если будет еще хоть одно».
-
“They say cheese gives you nightmares. Ridiculous! I’m not scared of cheese.”
- Ross Noble
-
Бернард Шоу в 1931 году телеграфировал Черчиллю: «Забронировал вам два билета на премьеру моей новой пьесы. Приходите с другом, если у вас есть хоть один»
Черчилль сочинил ответную телеграмму:«Не могу посетить первое представление. Пришел бы на второе — если будет еще хоть одно».
Классно!
-
- lvanov !!!
- it's me !!!
- It's a rare surname, isn't it?
- SIR, YES SIR!
-
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
-
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
-
Tragically I was an only twin.
- Peter Cook
-
Английский лорд уходит из дому. Слуга провожает его и спрашивает:
- Сэр, если леди пошлет меня за вами, скажите, где вас не надо искать?
-
A hippo orders a drink
One hot day,
a hippo went into a cafe,
sat down at a table
and ordered a large glass
of orange juice with ice.
The waiter was very surprised
to see a hippo,
and to hear it talk,
but he got it the glass
of orange juice with ice.
The waiter thought
the hippo knew nothing about money,
and so, when the hippo gave him
a five pound note,
the waiter gave him just one pound
in change.
"I hope you enjoyed the orange juice,"
said the waiter,
"We don't often get hippopotamuses in here."
"With orange juice at four pounds a glass,"
said the hippo,
"I'm not surprised."
-
Ли́мерик — стихотворный жанр английского происхождения, пятистишие абсурдистского содержания.
(http://www.worldlandtrust.org/sites/files/edward_lears_old_man_with_a_beard_illustration_and_limerick.jpg)
Название лимерика происходит от ирландского города Лимерик. История его происхождения не вполне ясна. По наиболее распространённой версии, оно восходит к куплетам, которые пелись на рубеже XVII—XVIII веков ирландскими солдатами на службе французского короля Людовика XIV и содержали название города в рефрене. Тем не менее, первые опубликованные в Англии в начале XIX века сборники лимериков так не назывались, и даже Эдвард Лир, признанный основоположник жанра, сочинивший под впечатлением от одного из стихотворений этой эпохи свою книгу 1846 года, понятием «лимерик» не пользовался: словари фиксируют это слово лишь в самом конце столетия
(http://www.nonsenselit.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/tiger_R.gif)
-
The Parrot
A man went into a pet shop one day.
"I'd like a parrot that talks,"
he said.
"I'm sorry sir, but you
have to teach your parrot to speak."
So he chose a parrot
and took it home with him.
Two weeks later he returned
to the pet shop.
"My parrot still doesn't speak,"
he said.
"Ah, that's a shame.
Buy this mirror.
He'll look at himself,
and talk."
The man bought the mirror
and went away.
Two weeks later
he returned a final time.
"My parrot is dead,"
he said.
"I'm sorry, sir – but tell me,
before he died,
did he say anything?"
"Yes he did.
But only one word."
"Really?
Which word was that?"
"Foood!"
-
Scottish Humour: Thrifty Scots
You should be careful about stereotyping the Scots as mean. There was a recent letter to a newspaper from an Aberdonian which said "If you print any more jokes about mean Scotsmen I shall stop borrowing your paper."
Have you heard the rumour that the Grand Canyon was started by a Scotsman who lost a coin in a ditch?
After discovering that they had won 15 million pounds in the Lottery, Mr and Mrs McFlannel sat down to discuss their future. Mrs McFlannel announced "After twenty years of washing other people's stairs, I can throw my old scrubbing brush away at last." Her husband agreed - "Of course you can, hen. We can easily afford to buy you a new one now."
-
Классика английского юмора.
What To Say When You Talk To Yourself.
Что сказать, когда говоришь сам с собой.
Teach Your Wife How To Be A Widow
Обучи свою жену, как быть вдовой.
Old Tractors and the Men Who Love Them: How to Keep Your Tractors Happy and Your Family Running.
Старые тракторы и любящие их мужчины: как сделать ваш трактор счастливым и заставить семью бегать.
-
Looking for a wife
Fred is 32 years old
and he is still single.
One day a friend asked,
"Why aren't you married?
Can't you find a woman
who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied,
"Actually, I've found many women
that I have wanted to marry,
but when I bring them home
to meet my parents,
my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment
and says, "I've got the perfect solution,
just find a girl
who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again
and his friend says,
"Did you find the perfect girl?
Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers,
"Yes, I found the perfect girl.
She was just like my mother.
You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said,
"Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied,
"My father doesn't like her."
-
Confused People
In a psychiatrist’s waiting room
two patients are having a conversation.
One says to the other,
"Why are you here?"
The second answers,
"I’m Napoleon, so the doctor told me
to come here."
The first is curious and asks,
"How do you know
that you’re Napoleon?"
The second responds,
"God told me I was."
At this point, a patient
on the other side of the room shouts,
"NO I DIDN’T!"
-
Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye.
Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking.
My wife’s cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.
Q: Why did the shark keep swimming in circles?
A: It had a nosebleed.
Why do cows wear bells?
Their horns don’t work.
-
Grand Delusions
When the new patient
was settled comfortably on the couch,
the physiatrist began his therapy session,
"I’m not aware of your problem,"
the doctor said.
"So perhaps, you should start
at the very beginning."
"Of course."
replied the patient.
"In the beginning,
I created the Heavens
and the Earth…"
-
Мне очень нравится отношение англичан к своей истории. Без пафоса, но с уважением и долей юмора. Черного юмора.
Недалеко от лондонского Тауэра есть весьма популярный среди местных белых воротничков и туристов паб с довольно мрачным названием "The Hung Drawn & Quatered" ("Повешен, выпотрошен и четвертован" - вид смертной казни активно практиковавшейся в Англии с позднего средневековья).
Так вот, на пабе висит табличка, с цитатой из воспоминаний современника, где тот, описывая казнь генерала Томаса Харрисона (обвиненного в цареубийстве), замечает, что генерал-майор Харрисон выглядел в процессе этого действия "...as cheerful as any man could in that condition". Недурно, да? ;)
А паб, кстати, с отличнейшей кухней. Настоятельно рекомендую.
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/a/a7/Sign_outside_the_Hung%2C_Drawn_and_Quartered_pub_%28Tower_Hill%2C_London%29.png)
(http://americanpublichousereview.com/2012.02/hung_drawn_and_quartered_london_uk/HDG3.jpg_2.jpg)
-
Хорошее название) Я бы непременно зашла) :good:
-
Potatoes
Newlywed wife to her husband:
"That is why I can't stand you - you are so unpredictable. On Monday you liked the potatoes, Tuesday you liked the potatoes, Wednesday you liked the potatoes, Thursday you said you loved the potatoes preparation, Friday you liked the potatoes, Saturday you liked the potatoes and now all of a sudden on Sunday you say that you don't like potatoes."
-
To be, or not to be, - that is the fate... Too beer, or not too beer - question of the time... Two bee, or not two bee - do'nt drink so much!
-
"Generous Scots"
Scotsmen hate to see waste, no matter where it is. So when Jock saw the Niagara Falls for the first time he said it was a waste of water - and a plumber in Dundee could fix them in half an hour.
A Scottish prayer - "Oh Lord, we do not ask you to give us wealth. But show us where it is!"
Angus called in to see his friend Donald to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked "You're decorating, I see." to which Donald replied "Naw. I'm moving house."
-
Ирландия. Возле одного из пабов идет драка. К дерущимся подходит англичанин и спрашивает:
— Простите, это частная драка, или могут участвовать все?
-
Violin Practice
Little Harry was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of Harry’s violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, “For pity’s sake, can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?”
I enjoyed it very much!
-
Replacement Windows
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive casement type with shutters. Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloo............ Just because I have fair hair doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Hellloo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back.
I bet he felt like an idiot.
-
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/0e/b9/62/0eb962cf69c1fefabac6fd4f6d0cf12b.jpg)
:lols:
-
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/5b/75/c5/5b75c59d89e1d524462848459939d0bb.jpg)
-
Старый шотландец ждет своего сына, ушедшего на первое свидание с девушкой. Наконец, уже за полночь, сын появляется.
- Ты беспокоился, папа?
- Да. Хочу знать, во сколько тебе обошлось свидание?
- В четыре шиллинга.
- Ну что ж, это не так уж и много.
- Да, папа. Но у нее больше не было.
-
A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friend says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guy says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them."
-
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/5b/75/c5/5b75c59d89e1d524462848459939d0bb.jpg)
Серьезный юморист, вы ДАС))))
-
В английских школьных учебниках можно найти ну очень странные вещи. Иногда это не ошибка корректора, а просто крайние проявления английского юмора.
Знаменитого американского пловца сравнивают с ...
(http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2016/09/15/16/3864883D00000578-3790762-image-a-17_1473953608234.jpg)
В учебнике математике так объясняется важность знания х в степени х: "Вдруг в темном переулке вас кто-то встретит, наставит на вас пистолет и захочет поговорить об икс в степени икс. Вы должны быть к этому готовы!"
(http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2016/09/15/16/3861850D00000578-3790762-image-a-7_1473953565743.jpg)
В учебнике испанского языка молодой человек звонит девушке по телефону, и спрашивает ее номер телефона.
(http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2016/09/16/09/3861851500000578-3790762-image-a-5_1474013338722.jpg)
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Иногда я понимаю этот "тонкий" английский юмор, а иногда нет... А вы?
Same here.
-
Mother: “Did you enjoy your first day at school?”
Girl: “First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?”
-
(https://inglixland.files.wordpress.com/2011/10/jpg.jpg)
-
Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."
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“I always enjoy appearing before a British audience. Even if they don’t feel like laughing, they nod their heads to show they’ve understood.”
- Bob Hope
-
А мне очень нравятся некоторые английские анекдоты. А вам?
-
В лодке сидят трое удильщиков.
"Какая сегодня чудесная погода!"- изрекает первый.
Проходит час, и второй возражает ему: "Нет, сегодня отвратительная погода!"
Проходит еще час, и подает голос третий: "Джентльмены, перестаньте спорить!"
-
А мне очень нравятся некоторые английские анекдоты. А вам?
Безусловно)) у армянах тоже есть такие классные анекдоты)))) а у русских вообще обезбашенные))))
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Новые рубрики в студию)))
-
Just a piece ;) This awkward moment when your diet is suddenly over.
Ну сьешь кусочек :-* Тот самый момент, когда ты перестала соблюдать диету :biggrin:
(https://pp.vk.me/c630024/v630024662/173d0/vMZBYsYIokA.jpg)
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Limericks:
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who dreamt he was eating his shoe.
He awoke in the night
In a terrible fright
And found it was perfectly true!
There was an Old Man, who when little,
Fell casually into a kettle;
But growing too stout,
He could never get out,
So he passed all his life in that kettle.
-
(http://englishindia.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/image11.jpg)
-
How to pronounce the "Th" sound correctly:
(http://www.jokespage.moonfruit.com/communities/7/004/008/756/217/images/4541847847.swf)
-
:lols:
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/c4/b4/1d/c4b41db64ec9e82095fff49fa7499abd.jpg)
-
Just a piece ;) This awkward moment when your diet is suddenly over.
Ну сьешь кусочек :-* Тот самый момент, когда ты перестала соблюдать диету :biggrin:
(https://pp.vk.me/c630024/v630024662/173d0/vMZBYsYIokA.jpg)
Просто шедевр!!!
В десятку))))) Мария Арсеновна, вы оказывается такая затейница
-
Вы знаете, что-то петь хочется))))
Есть только миг, между прошлым и будущем, именно он называется Present Indefinite radost radost radost
-
Вот смотрю и думаю: кто страшнее ведьма или Белоснежка? Пожалуй, последняя
-
Не желайте здоровья и богатства, а желайте удачи, ибо на Титанике все были богаты и здоровы, а удачливыми оказались единицы!
У.Черчилль))) уан лове ❤❤❤
-
Не желайте здоровья и богатства, а желайте удачи, ибо на Титанике все были богаты и здоровы, а удачливыми оказались единицы!
У.Черчилль))) уан лове ❤❤❤
:good:
-
Вот смотрю и думаю: кто страшнее ведьма или Белоснежка? Пожалуй, последняя
Полагаю, обе страшные на данном изображении!
-
- Why did you leave your last job?
- The company relocated and they didn’t tell me where.
-
Полагаю, обе страшные на данном изображении!
+1
-
- Why did you leave your last job?
- The company relocated and they didn’t tell me where.
+100
-
One day a woman goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the woman to the section with parrots and suggests her to choose one. The woman is interested in the price, ''How much is the orange one?''
The man says, ''$3000.'' The woman is really surprised and asks the man why the orange parrot is so expensive.
The man explains, ''It is a very talented. He can type really fast.''
''What about the green one?'' the woman asks.
The man replies, ''He costs $6000 because he can not only type very fast, but he also answers incoming calls and takes notes.''
''What about the red parrot?''
The man says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The woman is very surprised, ''What does HE do?''
The man replies, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''
-
Англия и Америка — две нации, разделенные общим языком.
Немецкий и испанский языки вполне доступны иностранцам, но английский недоступен даже англичанам.
Джордж Бернард Шоу
Когда исчезнет Британская империя, историки обнаружат, что она сделала два неоценимых вклада в цивилизацию — чайный ритуал и детективный роман.
Айн Рэнд
(http://www.livemaster.ru/topic/76128-garderob-anglijskoj-korolevy-hronologiya)
-
Когда исчезнет Британская империя, историки обнаружат, что она сделала два неоценимых вклада в цивилизацию — чайный ритуал и детективный роман.
Айн Рэнд
Детективный роман форева!
-
“A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history: with the possible exception of handguns and Tequila.”
- Mitch Ratliffe
-
“These are my principles. If you don’t like them, I have others.”
- Groucho Marks
-
Особый подраздел английского юмора это когда шутят люди военные. Впрочем, это справедливо для любой страны :facepalm:
В Британии есть группа любителей самолетов (plane-spotters) члены которой фотографируют аэропланы со всевозможных ракурсов. Один из таких энтузиастов сделал несколько снимков пролетающих между холмами Уэльса английских истребителей. Рассматривая позже снимки, он обнаружил, что штурман военного самолета подшутил над свои командиром.
По видимому, зная, что их будут фотографировать, штурман держит в руках плакатик с надписью "I'm with stupid" и стрелкой, указывающей в сторону пилота истребителя. ;D
(http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2010/06/24/article-1289185-0A2CE0AB000005DC-446_634x408.jpg)
(http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2010/06/24/article-1289185-0A2CE07F000005DC-318_634x482.jpg)
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Plain English
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
-
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
“Wow!,” said her father, “That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?”
“Wrong number,” replied the girl.
-
“I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman’s voice said, ‘What the hell are you doing with your life?’”
- Demetri Martin
-
(http://calendariosagrado.org/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/2012notenough.jpg)
-
“I went to a restaurant the other day called ‘Taste of the Raj.’ The waiter hit me with a stick and got me to build a complicated railway system.”
- Harry Hill
-
(http://live4fun.ru/data/old_pictures/img_1583282_100_0.jpg)
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Невозмутимость и медлительность англичан стала "притчей во языцех", причем даже сами англичане подшучивают над своими "отличительными чертами". Причем, умение посмеяться над собой считается скорее достоинством, чем недостатком.
В лодке сидят трое удильщиков.
"Какая сегодня чудесная погода!"- изрекает первый.
Проходит час, и второй возражает ему: "Нет, сегодня отвратительная погода!"
Проходит еще час, и подает голос третий: "Джентльмены, перестаньте спорить!"
-
“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”
- Tim Vine
-
A family of mice were surprised by a big cat.
Father Mouse jumped and and said, “Bow-wow!” The cat ran away.
“What was that, Father?” asked Baby Mouse.
“Well, son, that’s why it’s important to learn a second language.”
-
(http://www.michellehenry.fr/perfect2.jpg)
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— Hi sweetie! How was school today?
— You can read all about it on my facebook, dad!
-
A family of mice were surprised by a big cat.
Father Mouse jumped and and said, “Bow-wow!” The cat ran away.
“What was that, Father?” asked Baby Mouse.
“Well, son, that’s why it’s important to learn a second language.”
Гениально! Мне очень вот это понравилось!
-
Я тоже обратил внимание на эту веселенькую историю.
-
AFTER-SCHOOL SNACK
Q: Why did the boy eat his homework?
A: His teacher said it was a piece of cake.
:biggrin:
-
AFTER-SCHOOL SNACK
Q: Why did the boy eat his homework?
A: His teacher said it was a piece of cake.
:biggrin:
: D Nice one! It reminds me of some students :biggrin:
-
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/bf/49/3e/bf493e78fed91a8b753ea4447a9a7d41.jpg)
-
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/bf/49/3e/bf493e78fed91a8b753ea4447a9a7d41.jpg)
Пардонте, а можно для тех, кто знает "ломанный английский")))
-
(http://img1.liveinternet.ru/images/attach/c/0/120/248/120248207_4432201_angliya_1370255338_488348175.jpg)
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“Brilliant, absolutely brilliant!” cried one of my British friends as I pulled an awkward smile, my brain now racing furiously to translate the humour.
-
(http://images.kashamalasha.com/201407120059-tonkiy-angliyskiy-yumor-kashamalasha-com.jpg)
-
(http://www.anekdot.ru/i/caricatures/normal/8/9/23/11.jpg)
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A teacher asks his pupil: Why are you late, Bob?
Bob answers: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Bob: The one that says, «School Ahead, Go Slow.»
-
A son who is in college sends his father a letter that reads:
"No mon. No fun. Your Son".
To which the Dad sends a reply:
"How sad. Too bad. Your Dad".
-
A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in a school play.
"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"
The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!"
The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."
-
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat.”
Little Johnny replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.”
The man asked, “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?”
Little Johnny answered, “No, he minded his own business!”
(http://ru5.anyfad.com/items/t1@dbb5f67c-961d-4d6b-9c48-9871a9ab5a39/25-samyh-neobychnyh-zhivotnyh-miraUDIVITELNO-I-SMEShNO.jpg)
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Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
-
“People often say to me. ‘What are you doing in my garden?’”
- Michael Redmond
-
Англичанин покупает билеты в кассе российского аэропорта:
- Ту тикетс ту Даблин.
- Куда блин?!
- Тудаблин!!!
- Как будет "окрошка" по-английски?
- Oh, baby!
-
Англичанин покупает билеты в кассе российского аэропорта:
- Ту тикетс ту Даблин.
- Куда блин?!
- Тудаблин!!!
- Как будет "окрошка" по-английски?
- Oh, baby!
Здесь, скорее, "удивительный русский язык".
-
Why is psychotherapy a lot quicker for men than for women?
Because when it comes to going back to childhood, men are already there. :biggrin: :applodisment:
nizhoj
-
A woman was telling her friend , "It was I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire"
-
(http://www.travel4us.ru/English/Passport_control.jpg)
-
(http://www.travel4us.ru/English/Passport_control.jpg)
СУПЕРБЛ))))) :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin:
-
Русские стихи с английскими словами (для детей)
Купила мама два платочка
-Как будет рада daughter-дочка!
Купила mother барабан:
-Как будет рад сыночек - son!
***************************************
Спросил печально father – папа:
-А будет ужин, то есть supper?
- Of course - конечно! Очень скоро!
Помой tomatoes- помидоры!
***************************************
Один grandfather? То есть дед
Вставал на голову – на head,
Grandmother – бабушка – старушка
Вставала рядом на макушку.
***************************************
Сказала девочка - girl:
- Опять этот дождь пошел!
Мокнуть под ним надоело!
Где же мой зонтик- umbrella?
***************************************
Здравствуй, мальчик, мальчик – boy!
Мы подружимся с тобой!
Песню - song давай споем,
А потом гулять пойдем.
***************************************
- Прочитай-ка книжку - book-
Говорил my friend - мой друг.-
Эта книжка еле-еле
Уместилась в bag – портфеле.
***************************************
- Good morning – с добрым утром, дети!-
Пропел петух – cock на рассвете.
А мы – опять на правый бок,
Не разбудил нас петушок!
***************************************
-Good evening- добрый вечер!
Ты рада нашей встрече?
- Да-да, я рада - I am glad!
А ты какой-то грустный - sad.
***************************************
Спать- to sleep
Щенок наш хочет:
Всем good night-
Спокойной ночи!
***************************************
- Почему Вы, стрекоза
Так таращите глаза?
- Мне пора лететь- to fly.
До свидания- good bye!
***************************************
- Можно pencil- карандаш?
- Please- пожалуйста, он Ваш!
- Thank you, или же спасибо!
Завернуть вы не могли бы?
***************************************
Воскликнула курица- hen:
- Ах, где моя ручка- my pen?
Придется не ручкой, а лапой
Письмо петуху нацарапать.
***************************************
Построил я дом - house,
Живет в нем мышка - mouse.
А кошка - cat твердит о том,
Чтоб рядом ей построить дом.
***************************************
Я приказал сидеть - to sit,
И пес послушно сел.
Я дал ему конфету - sweet,
И dog c восторгом съел.
***************************************
- Кто под деревом сидит?
- Это я, козленок- kid!
- Где коза? Ну где же goat?
- Вон плывет на лодке - boat!
***************************************
- Любезная duck, то есть утка,
Присядьте со мной на минутку!
- Нет, спасибо, fox – лисица,
С вами что-то не сидится!
***************************************
BIRDS (Птицы)
Sparrow (спэроу), или воробей, В гости пригласил друзей: Вот на веточке сидит Сойка - jay (джэй), синичка - tit (тит), Swift (свифт) летит к ним, быстрый стриж, Goldcrest (голдкрест)- королёк-малыш, Robin (робин), милая зарянка, прилетела спозаранку. Здесь woodpecker (вудпэкэ), мудрый дятел, добрый воробья приятель; Жаворонок - lark (лак)- с полей, Nightingale (найтингэйл)- соловей. Swallows (своулз), ласточки-касатки, С воробьём играют в прятки.
***************************************
Пляшет куколка - a doll,
Рядом скачет мяч - a ball,
Загремел: трам - трам,
Барабан - a drum.
Едет поезд - train, train,
Самолет летит - a plane.
Любят такие игрушки - the toys
Девочки - girls,
Мальчики - boys.
***************************************
Посмотри скорее -Look!
Ты увидишь книжку - book!
В книжке - мишка - a bear
И зайчонок - a are.
(https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRrHxOk7NZb9nRlfWGKt71CPk5kqZHOBYs4MT82XmWu0XWBdycp)
-
(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-u_KsC7vS8go/Uh9NwkeYJZI/AAAAAAAAAjk/munl8u2VyQ8/s1600/Animals+dialogues.jpg)
-
Очень милые стишки с английскими словами!
-
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
-
“I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my father, not screaming in terror like his passengers.
- Bob Monkhouse
-
— I have good news and bad news, the defense lawyer says to his client.
— «What’s the bad news?»
- Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene.
— Dammit!» cries the client. What’s the good news?
— Well,» the lawyer says, «Your cholesterol is down to 140.
-
— I have good news and bad news, the defense lawyer says to his client.
— «What’s the bad news?»
- Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene.
— Dammit!» cries the client. What’s the good news?
— Well,» the lawyer says, «Your cholesterol is down to 140.
Hahaha!
-
(http://67.media.tumblr.com/1facb3ed0e78d13d42230671b66f7ba4/tumblr_miux9xZAD31rp3zayo1_500.jpg)
-
You’ll Get Your Chance In Court
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the desk sergeant.
“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
-
Limerick:
A wonderful bird is the pelican;
His beak can hold more than his belican.
He can hold in his beak
Enough food for a week,
Though I’m damned if I know how the helican!
(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRnZ7GiVT7cISJ1u36FMtVAoEdVZ9lLm6sYpX2iyyPFMZs9sxQY)
-
Боб вошел в спорт-бар примерно в 21:58 и сел рядом с блондинкой и уставился в телевизор. Приближались вечерние новости.
Новости начались с экстренного сообщения о том, что на крыше высотного здания стоит мужчина и готовится спрыгнуть. Блондинка посмотрела на Боба и спросила: "Как вы думаете, он спрыгнет?"
Боб посмотрел на неё и ответил: "Вы знаете, я уверен, что он спрыгнет".
"А я уверена, что он не сделает этого".
Боб кладет 20 долларов на стойку и говорит: "Ставлю 20 баксов на то что прыгнет". Сразу после того как блондинка положила свои 20 долларов, мужчина на крыше здания расправляет руки и прыгает.
Блондинка расстроилась, но отдала деньги и признала поражение в споре: "Всё по-честному, вот ваши деньги".
Боб ответил: "Я не могу принять эти деньги. Я видел эту новость раньше в новостях, в 5 вечера, так что я знал, что он будет прыгать".
Блондинка: "Я тоже видела, но я не думала, что он сделает это снова".
Боб взял деньги.
-
Послушай, Asdfg! А ты в курсе, что некоторые из наших администраторов родились блондинками?
-
Это пять! :lols:
-
Послушай, Asdfg! А ты в курсе, что некоторые из наших администраторов родились блондинками?
Да!) В любом правиле найдется свое исключение!)
Наша блондинка - умница необыкновенная!
-
Russian tourists
The couple arrived at the resort. They move into the room.
Wife sees the mouse and starts yelling, "Ah-ah-ah-ah! Mouse! Contact reception, you better know English, and I - full zero."
Husband calls (in English):
- Hеllo.
- Hеllo.
- Do you know "Tom and Jerry"?
- Yes, I do.
- So... Jerry is here.
-
(https://im1-tub-ru.yandex.net/i?id=0c9b18058b52f288b541e66d5aa9880d&n=33&h=215&w=385)
-
Russian tourists
The couple arrived at the resort. They move into the room.
Wife sees the mouse and starts yelling, "Ah-ah-ah-ah! Mouse! Contact reception, you better know English, and I - full zero."
Husband calls (in English):
- Hеllo.
- Hеllo.
- Do you know "Tom and Jerry"?
- Yes, I do.
- So... Jerry is here.
:biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin:
-
Подход с юмором: деловая переписка на английском.
Правильное употребление фраз в переписке на английском языке:
1) Господи, это опять вы.. - Thank you very much for your email.
2) Если до завтра не предоставите документы, пеняйте на себя. Тут вам не детский сад.- We will do our best to proceed with your request however for the best result the documents should reach us not later than tomorrow.
3) Вы читать умеете? - You can find this information below.
4) Сколько можно напоминать!- Kind reminder
5) Неужели так сложно подписать документ там, где нужно - Please sign in the place marked with yellow sticker
6) Что у тебя в школе было по математике? - Let's reconfirm the figures.
7) Мы уж лучше сделаем это сами.- Thank you for your kind assistance.
8 ) Я уже сто раз вам это присылал. - Kindly find attached.
9) Ага, сейчас все брошу и побегу разбираться. - I'll look into it and revert soonest.
10) Да поймите же вы наконец - Please kindly review the matter again.
11) Надеюсь, что теперь вы перестанете надоедать своими вопросами - I hope this helps, otherwise please do not hesitate to contact me anytime.
12) Какой же вы зануда. - Thank you for your patience
13) Даже и не надейтесь, что мы откроем вам счет - We will let you know in due course.
14) У нас не те масштабы, чтобы возиться с вашей мелочью - We would be happy to offer you the most favourable conditions on the case-to-case basis.
15) Вот когда подрастете, тогда и приходите.- So if you have eventually some needs from your clientele, it can have a real
added-value.
16) Ой-ой, напугал! - We regret to know that you are not satisfied with our services.
17) Ну и пожалуйста. Не очень-то и хотелось. - We look forward to hearing from you.
18) Хотя бы в пятницу отстаньте уже. - good to hear from you and have a nice weekend
19) Услуги будут оплачены. Может быть. - Thanks a lot in advance
20) Да идите вы знаете куда.- We consider the matter settled and close our files.
21) Ха-ха (три раза) - Very best regards
-
(http://www.thehits.co.nz/media/3231781/grammar-nerd-jokes-30__700.jpg?mode=pad&width=635&height=635&quality=100&scale=both&bgcolor=gray)
-
Q: Who's bigger, Mr. Bigger or his baby?
A:The baby -- he's a little Bigger.
-
First snake:I hope I'm not poisonous.
Second snake:Why?
First snake:Because I bit my lip!
-
The four animals
What are the four animals a woman needs
in her life?
A tiger in bed, a jaguar in the garage,
a mink on her shoulders
and a jackass to pay for everything.
-
Лорд - дворецкому:
- Джордж, чей это скелет на полу? Его непременно нужно убрать...
- Сэр, это скелет Вашей уборщицы. И убрать его абсолютно некому. :applodisment:
-
Граф говорит дворецкому:
- Завтра, Джеймс, приезжает мать моей Алисы, и я прошу Вас отрубить нашей собаке хвост. Я хочу, чтобы ничто в доме не выражало радости по поводу приезда тещи.
(http://www.pets-174.ru/_nw/0/75374488.jpg)
-
The young man approached the counter at which post-cards
were being sold and asked: "Have you anything sentimental?"
- "Here is a lovely one",- answered the shop-girl: "look
here - "to the only girl I ever loved"
- "That's fine, I'll take six of those, please".
-
(http://img0.liveinternet.ru/images/attach/b/4/104/347/104347880_large_995482_605701212813268_734029885_n.jpg)
-
Граф говорит дворецкому:
- Завтра, Джеймс, приезжает мать моей Алисы, и я прошу Вас отрубить нашей собаке хвост. Я хочу, чтобы ничто в доме не выражало радости по поводу приеда тещи
:applodisment: Кристюша.....анекдоты бомбовкие
-
Граф говорит дворецкому:
- Завтра, Джеймс, приезжает мать моей Алисы, и я прошу Вас отрубить нашей собаке хвост. Я хочу, чтобы ничто в доме не выражало радости по поводу приезда тещи.
Бедная собака... За что такое зверство!?
-
(http://img0.liveinternet.ru/images/attach/b/4/104/347/104347880_large_995482_605701212813268_734029885_n.jpg)
Добавить сюда "лилии" и народ с ума сойдет)))
-
What’s the longest word in the English language? «Smiles». Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.
-
Перед камином в гостиной, отдыхая в кресле, сидит англичанин, курит трубку и читает утреннюю «Times» Вдруг обваливается стена его дома, и в гостиную, скрипя тормозами, въезжает «Бентли», за рулём которого сидит другой англичанин.
Первый джентльмен спокойно переводит на него взгляд, вынимает трубку изо рта и спрашивает: «Могу я спросить у вас, сэр, куда вы так торопитесь?»
— «В Манчестер, сэр!»
— «В таком случае, сэр, Вам ближе было бы через кухню»
(http://bestplacestotravel.info/countries/united-kingdom/manchester/manchester-08.jpg)
-
Американец, спускающийся с трапа самолета в Хитроу, при виде тумана:
- Фи, какая мерзкая погода! И долго здесь это еще будет продолжаться, вы не знаете?
Лондонец:
- Увы, сэр, ничего не могу сказать определенного. Я живу здесь только тридцать пять лет.
(https://www.ridus.ru/_ah/img/zFm-yHSeWuOWCdoPZ6f4Sg)
-
Логан, ты с этой сигарой смахиваешь на идиота.
- Хорошо, Саммерс, я буду смахивать в другую сторону.
(http://www.menslife.com/upload/resize_cache/iblock/3bd/300_225_1/kurenie-sigar-vredit-zdorovyu-ne-menshe-chem-kurenie-sigaret.jpg)
-
Логан, ты с этой сигарой смахиваешь на идиота.
- Хорошо, Саммерс, я буду смахивать в другую сторону.
(http://www.menslife.com/upload/resize_cache/iblock/3bd/300_225_1/kurenie-sigar-vredit-zdorovyu-ne-menshe-chem-kurenie-sigaret.jpg)
Вот это по-настоящему тонко) но у меня вопрос: в английском у слова "смахивать" тоже одно из значений "быть похожим"?
-
+1)))
-
Вот это по-настоящему тонко) но у меня вопрос: в английском у слова "смахивать" тоже одно из значений "быть похожим"?
Конечно нет, это русская уже игра слов, да и сам анекдот...
-
Crazy people talk
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
-
Crazy people talk
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
С этими сумасшедшими не соскучишься!
-
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."
-
Джентльмен
- С какой стороны от дамы должен идти джентльмен?
- С той, где находятся витрины
(http://static.japonskie.ru/puzzle/source/u_vitrini.jpg)
-
[joyful_ghost] [joyful_ghost] [joyful_ghost]
кто как говорит)))
● bees (пчелы) — buzz (жужжат) — «bzzz»
● birds (птицы) — chirp (чирикают) — «wee-tweet-tweet»
● cats (кошки) — mew (мяукают) — «meow»
● chicks (цыплята) — «peep peep»
● cows (коровы) — low (мычат) — «moo» :o
● crows (вороны) — caw (каркают) — «caw, caw»
● dogs (собаки) — bark (лают) — «bow wow», «arf» , «woof», «gowf»
● donkeys (ослы) — bray (ревут) — «hee-haw»
● doves (голуби) — coo (воркуют)
● ducks (утки) — quack (крякают) — «quack-quack»
● elephants (слоны) — «ugh-ugh»
● fish (рыбки) — «splosh!» («бульк!»)
● frogs (лягушки) — croak (квакают) — «ribbit-ribbit»,
● hens (куры) — cackle and cluck (кудахчут) — «cluck-cluck»
● lions (львы) — roar (рычат) — «r-r-r»
● mice (мыши) — squeak (пищат) — «squeak-squeak»
● owls (филины) — hoot (ухают) — «hoo», «to-who»
● pigs (свиньи) — grunt (хрюкают) — «oink-oink», «squeal»
● roosters (петухи) — crow (кукарекают) — «cock-a-doodle-doo»
● sheep and goats (овцы и козы) — bleat (блеют) — «baaah»
● snakes (змеи) — hiss (шипят) — «ch-ch»
(http://novosteika.ru/img/givotnie.jpg)
-
Разговор двух шотландцев:
- Ты слышал, Смит поссорился со своей женой?
- И что же они не поделили?
- Он купил поддержанную надгробную плиту и потребовал, чтобы жена сменила имя...
(http://pcforum.biz/customavatars/avatar194_1.gif)
-
Мне вот это очень понравилось! Как дура вчера перед сном кукарекала по-английски! radost
● roosters (петухи) — crow (кукарекают) — «cock-a-doodle-doo»
-
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
-
Мне вот это очень понравилось! Как дура вчера перед сном кукарекала по-английски! radost
Феерично!
-
Даже звучит забавно "кукарекать по-английски"! А какие звуки еще кому понравились? Кто пробовал воспроизвести?
-
What is the longest word in the English language?
"Smiles". Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!
-
The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"
"Yes," the boy's mother answered.
"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.
"Who cares?" the mother replied.
-
I compared the two latest stories: one - about the worrying mother, the otheк - about the mental hospital patients. The mental hospital patients win. It seems they always do.
-
A mother sees her son watching television and says, "Jimmy! I thought I told you to do the dishes after you do your homework! Why are you watching television?"
Jimmy replies, "It's okay, Mom! I haven't done my homework yet."
-
A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.
His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"
"Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the kid.
So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?"
"Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000 out to him."
"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you going crazy???"
"Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!"
-
Шутка, основанная на игре слов.
— Will you tell me your name?
— Will Knot.
— Why not?
-
О боже! Мой телефон сам решил сделать перевод этой страницы, и теперь я многое поняла))) (это тоже игра слов)
-
О боже! Мой телефон сам решил сделать перевод этой страницы, и теперь я многое поняла))) (это тоже игра слов)
Да, что Вы говорите....
-
Bill and Hillary were going down a back road and stopped at a gas station.
As the worker was filling up their car, he said to Hillary "I went to high school with you". She recognized him and agreed with him.
Later as they were driving down the road Bill said "If you had married him you wouldn't be married to the President".
Hillary said "Oh yes I would - he would be President."
-
Шутка, основанная на игре слов.
— Will you tell me your name?
— Will Knot.
— Why not?
Люблю такие приколы с игрой слов!
-
A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch.
A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he's had enough.
The bartender said, "I've got to ask you - what's with the pocket business?"
The man replied, "I have my lawyer's picture in there. When he starts to look honest, I've had enough."
-
Люблю такие приколы с игрой слов!
What is the difference between a conductor and a teacher? The conductor minds the train and a teacher trains the mind.
-
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?
Cat: Claws at the end of paws
Comma: Pause at the end of clause
-
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
-
A mother sees her son watching television and says, "Jimmy! I thought I told you to do the dishes after you do your homework! Why are you watching television?"
Jimmy replies, "It's okay, Mom! I haven't done my homework yet."
I like this one.
-
What is intelligence?
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, 'intelligence'?"
The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."
-
Teach about blood flow
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty."
-
A man asked for a meal in a restaurant. The waiter brought the food and put it on the table. After a moment, the man called the waiter and said:
"Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!"
"Please don't speak so loudly, sir," said the waiter, "or everyone will want one."
-
Dealing with a lawyer
A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
-
Your first job will be to sweep the floor.
But I'm a college student the young man replied.
In that case give me the broom - I'll show you how.
-
Your first job will be to sweep the floor.
But I'm a college student the young man replied.
In that case give me the broom - I'll show you how.
Wonderful!
-
Wonderful!
Вот так скоро и мы в стране до этого дойдем.....
-
The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.
"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool."
"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!?"
-
Funny Hugh Laurie & Stephen Fry comedy sketch! 'Your name, sir?' - BBC
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNoS2BU6bbQ
-
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
-
A preacher is buying a parrot.
"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.
"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.
"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."
"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"
"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot
-
To Born to be Wild.
"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.
As usual you have chosen a funny one.
-
To Born to be Wild.
"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.
As usual you have chosen a funny one.
It's pretty hard to find a really funny one, but I try to do my best....
-
A teacher was asked to fill out a special questionnaire. One question said, "Give two reasons for entering the teaching profession." The teacher wrote: "July and August."
-
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
-
The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.
-
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $100.00.
Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?
Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.
-
My Daily Regimen
My doctor examined my health yesterday and refused to believe that
I worked out. So I listed the exercises
I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels,
push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot
in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.
-
The story of someone getting a haircut
Women's version:
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Men's version:
Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.
-
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.
Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."
And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"
-
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."
-
Студентка просит у профессора разрешения уйти с лекции. Профессор совершенно серьезно отвечает: I am sure it'll break mу heart, but уоu mау leave. – Я уверен, что это разобьет мне сердце, но вы можете уйти.
-
A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.
-
Студентка просит у профессора разрешения уйти с лекции. Профессор совершенно серьезно отвечает: I am sure it'll break mу heart, but уоu mау leave. – Я уверен, что это разобьет мне сердце, но вы можете уйти.
Не поняли?!
-
How do you make an apple turnover?
(http://learnenglish.britishcouncil.org/sites/podcasts/files/styles/300x200/public/image/jokes-4.jpg?itok=ljUSbTBU)
-
A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Ouch, I look like a pig!"
The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"
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Russians Did It? 10 вещей, в которых виноваты русские
Несколько дней назад американские спецслужбы обнародовали доклад, в котором говорится, что кибератаки на американские политические институты были организованы российскими властями на высшем уровне. Это не первая попытка обвинить Россию в чём-либо. Ещё в прошлом месяце пользователи Интернета устроили флешмоб в сети под названием Russians Did It (Это сделали русские), где в шутливой форме дают универсальный ответ на все проблемы: от исторических событий до беспорядка в доме. АиФ.ru предположил, в чём ещё могут быть виноваты русские.
http://www.aif.ru/politics/gallery/russians_did_it_10_veshchey_v_kotoryh_vinovaty_russkie#id=10796320 (http://www.aif.ru/politics/gallery/russians_did_it_10_veshchey_v_kotoryh_vinovaty_russkie#id=10796320)
(http://cs9.pikabu.ru/post_img/2016/12/17/2/1481938226171746483.jpg)
(http://cs9.pikabu.ru/post_img/2016/12/17/2/1481939298161576958.jpg)
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Гениальная шутка со стороны американцев. Только вот подобные шутки приводят к нешуточным последствиям...
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Уроки отборного британского юмора
Англичане всегда славились своим утонченным и изысканным чувством юмора.
Шоу британских комиков отличаются резкими шутками, порой черными, но всегда актуальнымии и запоминающимися. Они говорят просто и смешно о человеке, его проблемах, страхах, желаниях, привычках и радостях.
Я не знаю, что я хочу, но я знаю, что хочу это сейчас же.
Дилан Моран
У мужчин нет памяти. У женщин есть, поэтому есть цивилизация. Женщина помнит, что ты сказал ей 17 лет назад! И даже как ты посмотрел на нее сегодня утром!
Дилан Моран
А ведь были времена, когда мужчина был мужчиной и мог с полной уверенностью высказать свое авторитетное мнение по вопросу, о котором он вообще ничего не знал.
Дилан Моран
Я пил текилу с друзьями. Это даже не напиток. Это способ вызвать полицию без телефона.
Дилан Моран
Мужчины смотрят на грудь как женщины смотрят на детишек: «О, какая прелесть!»
Дилан Моран
Вот вы говорите ребенку: «Пора спать, пора спать, пора спать». Ребенок слышит совсем другое: «Ложись в темноте! Надолго! И не шевелись! Я закрываю дверь!»
Дилан Моран
Любовь за деньги не купишь, но за них можно взять неплохое шоколадно-имбирное печенье.
Дилан Моран
Мне не хватает смелости ответить на вопрос, действительно ли я робок.
Бенни Хилл
Когда Бог создавал человека, очки еще не были изобретены, но посмотрите, где он поместил наши уши!
Бенни Хилл
Есть люди, жаждущие бессмертия, но не знающие, что будут делать, если в воскресенье пойдет дождь.
Бенни Хилл
Друзья! Я не называю вас леди и джентльменами, потому что я вас хорошо знаю.
Бенни Хилл
— Она только о деньгах и думает — деньги, деньги! Это все, что ей от меня надо!
— И что она с ними делает?
— Не знаю, я их ей не даю.
Бенни Хилл
Он силен, как бык. И почти так же умен.
Бенни Хилл
Вы прожили жизнь с большой буквы «Ж»!
Бенни Хилл
— Вас не пугает, что он бегает за женщинами?
— Вы знаете, мой пес бегает за машинами. Но если даже догонит, за руль-то он не сядет!
Бенни Хилл
(http://truechristianity.info/img/humor/child_03.jpg)
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Russians Did It? 10 вещей, в которых виноваты русские
(http://sdelanounas.ru/i/c/z/a/czAxOC5yYWRpa2FsLnJ1L2k1MjYvMTUxMi9jOC8yNGVlOTU3MTJhYTIuanBnP19faWQ9NzE3MzY=.jpg)
Леди Клинтон шикарна))))
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Только вот подобные шутки приводят к нешуточным последствиям...
Они уже давно безнаказанно шутят. Посмотрим, что будет дальше
(https://i.imgflip.com/1fvxbx.jpg)
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Похоже на постер к фильму ужасов
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Teacher: Did your father help you with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
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I didn't get any money this time
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"
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3 questions
A man goes to the lawyer: “What is your fee?”
Lawyer says: “1000 US dollars for 3 questions.”
Man: “Wow - so much! Isn’t it a bit expensive?”
Lawyer: “Yes, what is your third question?”
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Jewish jokes here? :biggrin:
3 questions
A man goes to the lawyer: “What is your fee?”
Lawyer says: “1000 US dollars for 3 questions.”
Man: “Wow - so much! Isn’t it a bit expensive?”
Lawyer: “Yes, what is your third question?”
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(http://englishfull.ru/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/%D0%A8%D1%83%D1%82%D0%BA%D0%B0-360x213.jpg)
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Jewish jokes here? :biggrin:
Scottish people are also known to be greedy :yes:
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“Mom, don't get alarmed, but I’m at the hospital.”
“Son, please. You’ve been a surgeon there for 8 years now.
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(http://jokideo.com/wp-content/uploads/meme/2014/04/English-grammar-fail.jpg)
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(http://jokideo.com/wp-content/uploads/meme/2014/04/English-grammar-fail.jpg)
Ahahah, superb!
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Paul to Jane: Would you like to be my girlfriend?
Jane: That’s a bit direct. Can’t you come up with something more beautiful?
Paul: I tried, but they didn’t want.
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Q: What does D.I.A.N.A stand for?
A: Died In A Nasty Accident.
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Jewish jokes here? :biggrin:
Why not!?
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Two days ago, my friend Peter ran off with my wife.”
“Oh no, how long have you been friends?”
“Since two days ago.”
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(https://iloveenglish.ru/img/j/5.jpg)
— Hello, are you there?
— Yes, who are you please?
— I'm Watt.
— What's your name?
— Watt's my name.
— Yes, what's your name?
— My name is John Watt.
— John what?
— Yes, are you Jones?
- I'm Knott.
— Will you tell me your name then?
— Will Knott.
— Why not?
— My name is Knott.
— Not what?
— Not Watt, Knott.
— What?
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Daddy reads some bedtime stories to make little Jonny fall asleep.
Half an hour later mommy opens quietly the door and asks: “And, is he asleep?”
Little Jonny answers: “Yes, finally.”
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:lols: :good: so true
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/24/8c/ec/248cecac8b77140533ebc066821caae2.jpg)
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A police constable pulls a driver over for speeding:
Constable: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. It was suspended when I got caught over the limit.
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Whenever I undress in the bathroom, my shower gets turned on.
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What time is it when an elephant sits on your car?
(https://learnenglishkids.britishcouncil.org/sites/kids/files/MBC113.jpg)
Time to get a new car!
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Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
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Oscar Wilde
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For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.
"Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"
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Why is women’s soccer so rare?
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It’s quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.
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A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
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Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.
Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too.
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Q: What's the longest word in the dictionary?
A: Rubber-band -- because it streches.
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(https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSzCN1ql1wXEY_2me6mWReVJOgqAfB47xpXTcPBcpqADbZaG_A8)
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(http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-W9Zieks_uY8/T7JtcyrOD1I/AAAAAAAAACg/B-Xc876lBgw/s1600/wife.jpg)
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(http://evpatorg.com/forum/extensions/image_uploader/storage/1169/thumb/p19n277t90c6l1ei21dm8ukgs5f1.jpg)
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(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/76/00/53/760053bb39611773a7bf128ed924808e.jpg)
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(http://wanna-joke.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/funny-picture-lays-disappointment1.jpg)
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Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! My son, John, swallowed the can opener!
Doctor: Don't panic. He'll be alright.
Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?! The toast is getting cold!
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."
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Waste of Energy
Q: What's a waste of energy?
A: Telling a hair-raising story to a bald man.
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Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don't know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
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Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
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To DAS.
This is the best one out of the 85 which I looked through. I wonder how people can make it so humorous dealing with such a gloomy subject.
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/76/00/53/760053bb39611773a7bf128ed924808e.jpg)
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— Какое твое любимое время?
— Когда ты рядом. А твоё?
— Present Simple. Не надо ни с чем колупаться . Взял существительное, взял глагол — готово. Шедевр.
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To DAS.
This is the best one out of the 85 which I looked through. I wonder how people can make it so humorous dealing with such a gloomy subject.
Ann, Oh, yes! I do completely agree with you!
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(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/f9/b6/c2/f9b6c218fc008dbf06b12268cd21647e.jpg)
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(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/cb/55/36/cb55366f0e031b0905a0c4f4e451b477.jpg)
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Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
Because from a distance they looked like hares!
(https://lingvister.ru/i/blog/angliyskiy-yumor.png)
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The top six reasons computers must be female:
6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as
"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.
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A: Knock, knock.
B: Who’s there?
A: Sam and Janet
B: Sam and Janet who?
A: Sam and Janet evening!
‘Sam and Janet’ по мнению британцев звучит также как ‘Some enchanted’ – “заколдованный”, а ‘Some enchanted Evening’ – это еще и первая строчка очень известной песни Perry Como.
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(http://fenglish.ru/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/pain.jpg)
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What do you call a cow in Alaska?
(https://learnenglishkids.britishcouncil.org/sites/kids/files/image/MBC138%20255x170.jpg)
An Eskimoo!
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Phone-in
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ”Did you get my drift?”
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A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?"
The businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking for."
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I saw a poster today, somebody was asking “Have you seen my cat?”
I called the number and said that I didn’t. I like to help where I can.
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A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."
"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."
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Американский турист ходит с гидом по Лондону.
- Все тут у вас такое маленькое, зажатое, - говорит он. - Это здание, например, было бы в Америке раз в десять выше.
- О, конечно, сэр! Это психиатрическая клиника.
В ресторане.
- Сэр, что будете есть? - Я бы хотел то, что ест вон тот мужчина у окна!
- Это невозможно, он не отдаст...
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(http://cs8.pikabu.ru/post_img/2017/01/13/8/1484308862165565566.jpg)
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True love lasts forever
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’
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IDK шутка года :biggrin:
(http://atkritka.com/upload/iblock/43d/atkritka_1336477344_78.jpg)
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(https://cs541602.userapi.com/c635100/v635100858/26cbf/PxIuLysblhI.jpg)
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Reward for goodness
Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.
The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you.
To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.
To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.
To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.
A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"
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Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK, no problem.”
Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”
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Here is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student. Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes.
15 minutes looking for assignment.
11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.
23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.
8 minutes in the bathroom.
10 minutes getting a snack.
7 minutes checking the TV Guide.
6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.
10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.
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Знаменитый английский юмор
"С домом все в порядке, миссис Хадсон, если не считать мертвого серийного убийцу на втором этаже - хорошие новости для Лондона, плохие - для вашего коврика.".© Sherlock
(https://cs541602.userapi.com/c635100/v635100858/2753d/Oskp82-oR30.jpg)
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Знаменитый английский юмор
"С домом все в порядке, миссис Хадсон, если не считать мертвого серийного убийцу на втором этаже - хорошие новости для Лондона, плохие - для вашего коврика.".© Sherlock
(https://cs541602.userapi.com/c635100/v635100858/2753d/Oskp82-oR30.jpg)
Ох уж этот "тонкий английский юмор" :applodisment: :applodisment: :applodisment:
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Очень полюбился мне этот сериал с этими английскими шуточками, а сначала вообще никак не принимала нового Шерлока)) все-таки есть в нем что-то эдакое!
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Очень полюбился мне этот сериал с этими английскими шуточками, а сначала вообще никак не принимала нового Шерлока)) все-таки есть в нем что-то эдакое!
Да, но четвертый сезон немного подкачал, на мой взгляд.
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Да, но четвертый сезон немного подкачал, на мой взгляд.
Да. Это точно.
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Да. Это точно.
Mari, я рад, что вы разделяете мою точку зрения)
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Да, первая серия уже была никакой. А мы её так ждали(
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Бейкер-Стрит, 221 Б
/* Дом превосходный. МЫ его потянем? */
- Миссис Хадсон - владелица, дает мне большую скидку. Услуга за услугу. Ее мужа приговорили к смерти три года назад во Флориде. Мне удалось помочь ей.
- То есть вы ее мужа спасли от казни?
- Напротив, ускорил ее.
(http://img-fotki.yandex.ru/get/6512/126214181.17/0_87e47_54891d76_M.jpg)
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А во вторую смену там работает кассир Король Артур :lols: :lols:
(https://cs541602.userapi.com/c635100/v635100858/277a0/lTLPRym0Lz4.jpg)
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Елизавета 2 :biggrin:
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На фига козе баян? :biggrin:
Почему именно баян? А не гармошка или, на худой конец, рояль? Тоже прикольно было бы. Но, оказывается, не только музыкальные инструменты, даже коза здесь не при чем. Это одна наша русская слышимость. Чисто звуковая ассоциация древнегреческого выражения nafyka kosse boya - "нафика коссе бойа", смысл не меняется))
Why does the goat need an accordion? :biggrin:
(http://infostena.ru/i/p/18.jpg)
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— Зачем мне притворяться?
— Затем, что ты лжец, ты лжёшь всё время и всем.
— Я много чего вытворял, Джон, но я никогда не был симулянтом.
— Ты притворялся мёртвым два года!
— Ну... кроме этого!
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Шерлок, такой Шерлок)
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В Лондоне в своем доме, в гостиной сидит англичанин, курит трубку и читает утреннюю Times. Вдруг обваливается стена, и в гостиную скрипя тормозами въезжает "Бентли", за рулем которого сидит другой англичанин. Первый спокойно переводит на него взгляд, вынимает трубку и спрашивает:
-Могу я спросить, куда сэр так торопится?
-В Манчестер, сэр!
-В таком случае, сэр, Вам лучше было бы через кухню.....
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Могу представить этот анекдот в кавказском варианте :biggrin:
В Лондоне в своем доме, в гостиной сидит англичанин, курит трубку и читает утреннюю Times. Вдруг обваливается стена, и в гостиную скрипя тормозами въезжает "Бентли", за рулем которого сидит другой англичанин. Первый спокойно переводит на него взгляд, вынимает трубку и спрашивает:
-Могу я спросить, куда сэр так торопится?
-В Манчестер, сэр!
-В таком случае, сэр, Вам лучше было бы через кухню.....
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(http://www.nairaland.com/attachments/2472503_thatrue_jpegf9d6983c6fb2726ce643d0e7723d6c1c)
(http://shithappens.pp.ua/files/img/7pl_jRaFmXc.jpg)
(http://www.uffa.it/sites/default/files/imagecache/make_sure_size_fits/Vi_dichiaro_marito_e_moglie.jpg)
(http://mywishlist.ru/pic/i/wish/orig/003/354/486.gif)
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(https://cs541602.userapi.com/c635100/v635100858/28369/HdI5J_VWxhI.jpg)
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(https://cs541602.userapi.com/c635100/v635100858/286b6/Fyfny31a24g.jpg)
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:applodisment:
(https://cs541602.userapi.com/c635100/v635100858/286b6/Fyfny31a24g.jpg)
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:applodisment:
I do love DAL$'es sense of humour! It is so special and subtle, I can't help admiring it !
-
Ohh! DAS, and I can't help laughing when she plays her favorite jokes! :biggrin:
I do love DAL$'es sense of humour! It is so special and subtle, I can't help admiring it !
-
(http://cdn.fishki.net/upload/post/201510/22/1707672/40_4.jpg)
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Не посмотрела на название рубрики машинально; читаю по русски, думаю. что это слишком неприличное и неблагозвучное название для предмета)))
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Не посмотрела на название рубрики машинально; читаю по русски, думаю. что это слишком неприличное и неблагозвучное название для предмета)))
опа...а можно в личку, а то прям на ум ничего и не пришло
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The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!
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опа...а можно в личку, а то прям на ум ничего и не пришло
Мне тоже ничего не пришло, я таких страшных и неприличных слов и предметов не знаю! ::)
Надо придумать вместе))
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After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!
I know several people who have already started speaking Euro-English :biggrin:
-
Great Motivation
An Old man who had 8 hair on his head went into a Barber shop.
Barber in anger asked:
shall i cut or count ?
Old man smiled and said:
"Colour it!"
-
I guess I know those guys too :biggrin:
I know several people who have already started speaking Euro-English :biggrin:
-
Waiter, waiter, what soup is this?
It's bean soup, sir.
I don't care what it was. I want to know what it is now.
-
(https://cs541602.userapi.com/c635100/v635100858/2ad7b/zATmucHbr3Q.jpg)
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A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"
"Three dollars an ounce."
"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"
"Four dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
-
A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"
"Three dollars an ounce."
"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"
"Four dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
I certainly share your general approach to the lawyers, but the idea of the lawyers having no brains seems to me to be doubtful. They do have enough brains to run every situation in nowadays world.
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Ann, I agree. A good lawyer should be wise, intelligent, open minded and a bit risky! A successful lawyer should have good written communication skills and also be a good listener. He must also be able to write clearly, persuasively and concisely, as he must produce a variety of legal documents.
I certainly share your general approach to the lawyers, but the idea of the lawyers having no brains seems to me to be doubtful. They do have enough brains to run every situation in nowadays world.
[/qu]ote
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An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."
-
(https://cs7058.userapi.com/c635104/v635104689/bfa9/SbdNerKFWEo.jpg)
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To born to be wild
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."
"Passing out business cards". It reminded me of returning back into our life the business cards: they could be used accidentally. Please, tаке саre of it.
-
Deal.
-
The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.
1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.
2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.
3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.
4. There are some things even a rat won't do.
-
(http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_SbWbz4kZPUs/TSxHw-Pu04I/AAAAAAAABF8/mWE37o2H4nI/s1600/brevity4.jpg)
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Все пабы Великобритании, очень удобно!
(https://pp.userapi.com/c638529/v638529835/313a2/sF9Zs66GKzk.jpg)
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Why Do Pelicans Make Good Lawyers?
Because they know how to stretch the bill!
-
(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108858/38009/ItgkStus6M0.jpg)
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(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108858/37d62/3-QECZf0GWE.jpg)
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(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108858/37d62/3-QECZf0GWE.jpg)
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:good:
-
Your first job will be to sweep the floor.
But I'm a college student the young man replied.
In that case give me the broom - I'll show you how.
P.S. Боюсь, что совсем скоро, имея такую систему образования, это станет реальностью повсеместно.
-
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever
come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
-
(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108858/38a2f/RPlgPwwLkME.jpg)
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(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108858/38a2f/RPlgPwwLkME.jpg)
Это про меня!! :biggrin:
-
Это про меня!! :biggrin:
Один-то, выучил ;)))
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DAS, это напоминает мне одного нашего ученика... Который "to the DIY"
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/a1/7e/56/a17e56417c88a674e0fd712fcbce8a39.jpg)
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DAS, это напоминает мне одного нашего ученика... Который "to the DIY"
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/a1/7e/56/a17e56417c88a674e0fd712fcbce8a39.jpg)
Arsenovna, :biggrin: Прямо в точку!!
-
(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108858/3a29a/_P-78JxnXs8.jpg)
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(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108858/3a29a/_P-78JxnXs8.jpg)
:good:
-
(https://cs541601.userapi.com/c543108/v543108858/3a962/P8V8Q81EZCM.jpg)
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(https://cs541601.userapi.com/c543108/v543108858/3a962/P8V8Q81EZCM.jpg)
Счастливый Йорик, не видит этого)))
-
(https://pp.userapi.com/c639228/v639228306/296d7/l290YrsCgtU.jpg)
:biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin:
-
(https://pp.userapi.com/c639228/v639228306/296d7/l290YrsCgtU.jpg)
:biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin:
Это красиво!))
-
Это пять!))))
-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AhYKwvFRh8I
-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AhYKwvFRh8I
Что это за советы? :facepalm:
-
Что это за советы? :facepalm:
ДАС хочет телевизор
-
Что это за советы? :facepalm:
Ой, все! >:(
-
ДАС хочет телевизор
у меня уже есть)
-
Сколько? Телевизоров много не бывает...
А вдруг это фетиш?
-
Сколько? Телевизоров много не бывает...
А вдруг это фетиш?
Развесить по периметру и смотреть Новости с Ирадой Зейналовой)))) :dumaet: :dumaet: :biggrin:
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Развесить по периметру и смотреть Новости с Ирадой Зейналовой)))) :dumaet: :dumaet: :biggrin:
да
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Развесить по периметру и смотреть Новости с Ирадой Зейналовой)))) :dumaet: :dumaet: :biggrin:
Точно! :biggrin: :good:
-
ДАСа в 116 кабинет не пускать
-
ДАСа в 116 кабинет не пускать
Вы думаете недосчитаемся телевизора к концу года?
P.S
Не переживайте Вы так, Mari! В программу Летней школы я специально включил такое занятие как Разведчик-2017. Там взрослым и детям прививаем навыки и воспитываем бережное отношение к школьному имуществу и ТСО, а также его охрану. Дети подготовлены и при необходимости смогут дать отпор. Никто не позарится.
P.P.S
cм. лого Подготовка к Разведчику велась исподволь и задолго до начала Летней школы! Команду детей защитников ТСО возглавляет ученица А. Телевизор не отдадут никому!!!
-
Я горжусь вами *смахнула слезу*
P.S
А я то думаю, почему окамеризировали Школу, оказывается, это противоДАСная защита ТСО
-
Я горжусь вами *смахнула слезу*
P.S
А я то думаю, почему окамеризировали Школу, оказывается, это противоДАСная защита ТСО
:applodisment: *жидкие и непродолжительные*
-
:applodisment: *жидкие и непродолжительные*
*жидкий* пошёл мужчина *вздохнула*
Даже на бурные и продолжительные сил нет.
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*жидкий* пошёл мужчина *вздохнула*
Даже на бурные и продолжительные сил нет.
силы приберегу для более важных вещей :yes:
-
Да, вам лучше поберечься..) :facepalm: :yes:
-
(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108858/3d416/6AMquHBp7KA.jpg)
(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108858/3d30c/Lhuab0FbgNo.jpg)
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For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.
"Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"
-
Уровень английского:
(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108858/4109e/U9Yiiq6-aBM.jpg)
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DAЛ$!! Потрясающе)) :biggrin: Текст песни уже есть
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qeMFqkcPYcg
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DAЛ$!! Потрясающе)) :biggrin: Текст песни уже есть
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qeMFqkcPYcg
Кавер версия , наш дуэт?)
-
Кавер версия , наш дуэт?)
Завтра споем! (Пока никто слышать не будет)
-
Завтра споем! (Пока никто слышать не будет)
А может, трио? ::)
-
А может, трио? ::)
Сначала пройдите кастинг! :P
-
Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.
"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere - it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."
"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"
-
"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"
Living conditions sometimes determine one's way of thinking.
-
Who gives a f.....?!
-
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: “Take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, “OK, now what?”
-
Englishman in Australia
An Englishman arrived to Australia. Passport control in the airport. Border guard asks him:
- Have you ever been convicted of a crime?
- Hmm.. Is it still necessary?
-
Today we are niggers
A black man and his son are on a plane heading home back to Africa. During the plane flight there's a problem, the plane is overweight. On the overhead an annoucement comes on. "We are having overweight problems so we are going to have to throw some people off of the back of the plane, we'll start in alphabetical order. Will all African Americans please stand up and move to the back of the plane". The son stands up and the father says "sit down." "Will all black people please stand up and go to the back of the plane." The son stands up, the father says "Sit down." "Will all coloured people please stand up and move to the back of the plane." The son stands up, the father says "Sit down." The son then says "But dad, if we are not African Americans, blacks, or coloured, what are we?" "Today we are Niggers, son."
-
— David, your ideas are like diamonds.
— You mean they are so valuable?
— No, I mean they are so rare.
* * *
A man placed an advertisement «Wife wanted».
The next day he received hundreds of replies, all saying «You can have mine».
-
И лампа не горит,
И врут календари,
И если все sweet dreams are made of this, то who am I
To disagree?
-
(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108027/26f53/WB4GzGkstdA.jpg)
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A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. He asks «What for?» She says «I want to kill my husband». He says «Sorry, I can’t do that.» She then reaches intо her handbag and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife and hands it to him.
He says, «You didn’t tell me you had a prescription…»
-
(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108906/4d420/Mb_zWYJenDM.jpg)
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Just before Christmas an honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus were in an elevator together. As the doors opened, they noticed a $20 bill on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa Claus. The other two don’t exist.
-
Редчайший кадр.
Сталин смеётся над устаревшим смартфоном Черчилля.
(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108096/36441/0oKDIxJucM0.jpg)
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Это пять!)))
-
An admiral is standing at the Naval Academy in Annapolis when he stops a plebe walking by.
«Sailor, do you have change for a dollar?»
«Sure, buddy,» says the plebe, rooting around his pocket.
«That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?»
«No, sir!»
-
Это пять!)))
:yes:
-
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface, and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius.
The Russians used a pencil.
-
(https://pp.userapi.com/c841238/v841238937/15c8b/JDv8HBHoTHc.jpg)
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(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108934/2b210/In607QNSv60.jpg)
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(https://cs4.pikabu.ru/post_img/2016/06/22/8/1466598876143850118.jpg)
-
(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108230/3f86c/2aSfYPPADNY.jpg)
-
(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108101/5557f/LhGiDFKCZ5w.jpg)
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(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108934/2b210/In607QNSv60.jpg)
I can't help smiling!
-
(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108934/2b210/In607QNSv60.jpg)
отлично! В Вашем стиле :yes:
-
отлично! В Вашем стиле :yes:
Дас))) как мне не хватало ваших комментариев
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(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108899/3ab4d/--Tbra9uvRI.jpg)
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Клиповое мышление в действии)
-
(https://cs4.pikabu.ru/post_img/2016/06/22/8/1466598876143850118.jpg)
Вот так и надо и чаще
-
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary asked.
"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
-
(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108277/882b2/KMSJBB1RuXI.jpg)
-
(http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/medvedneo/50538923/70058/70058_800.jpg)
-
(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108277/882b2/KMSJBB1RuXI.jpg)
Наверняка ещё и рыцарь
-
(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108277/882b2/KMSJBB1RuXI.jpg)
Это забавно! :applodisment: :good:
-
(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108817/317dd/A7HBZu6CoLM.jpg)
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(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108817/317dd/A7HBZu6CoLM.jpg)
до слеееез!
(http://vamotkrytka.ru/_ph/128/1/197611504.jpg)
-
(https://creativeteachclassroom.files.wordpress.com/2016/05/friday-night.jpg?w=420)
-
(https://i.pinimg.com/736x/20/02/86/2002866c9647a4acff5c2ddb6e96104e--english-teacher-humor-english-teachers.jpg)
-
Why does the law prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
* * *
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
* * *
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.
* * *
Why don't lawyers play hide-and-seek?
Nobody will look for them.
* * *
What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a pig?
Nothing, there're some things even a pig won't do!
-
(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108261/6e4e7/xjj7ei79gUs.jpg)
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(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108555/29467/wCNqp7oxcMg.jpg)
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(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108261/6e4e7/xjj7ei79gUs.jpg)
:good:
-
(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108555/29467/wCNqp7oxcMg.jpg)
Hohohoho!
-
(https://pp.userapi.com/c635103/v635103148/19605/e-RoNdyYni4.jpg)
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(https://pp.userapi.com/c635103/v635103148/19605/e-RoNdyYni4.jpg)
Тонко, :biggrin:
-
(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108231/218d6/VXYPvZptGAc.jpg)
-
(https://pp.userapi.com/c639831/v639831548/4ba62/9bcb_uknH4I.jpg)
-
Hilarious! :good:
-
(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108204/3fda5/XhpHEZ-uL7E.jpg)
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Hmm not bad, not bad))
-
(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108038/46e5a/05H1gMYzluQ.jpg)
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DAS, кто рано встает)))) :lols: :lols: :lols:
-
(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108026/1fa3b/LMpmLZbH_j8.jpg)
-
Totally agree!
-
(https://www.kursoteka.ru/course/6566/image?file=f91f71d88c471ab61c22fdc2d714926a3200fac3.jpeg)
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DAL$!!! Вы, как всегда, в точку!
-
DAL$!!! Вы, как всегда, в точку!
Лучик света)))
-
Why did you leave your last job?
The company relocated and they didn’t tell me where.
-
Excellent!!!
-
I do my best.
-
One evening, a wife decides to ask her husband a question. “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”
“Well,” says the husband, “we all need companionship, so I suppose someday I would.”
“Hmm,” says the wife. “Well, would she live in this house?”
“We’ve spent a lot of time and money getting this house just the way we want it,” says the guy, “so I guess she would.”
“Would she sleep in our bed?”
“Well, it seems a shame to waste a perfectly good bed,” says the husband, “so I guess she would.”
“Would she use my golf clubs?”
“Of course not,” says the husband. “She’s a lefty.”
-
Good one! The guy got busted!!
-
Сам себя...
-
Did you hear about the kid who was pulled over for speeding?
The cop got out of his car and the young man rolled down his window.
“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.
The guy replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
-
(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108048/1020f7/rD_3SzHI_1g.jpg)
-
(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108601/22a18/GGNsgVHRL_s.jpg)
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потрясающе! главное уметь найти выход из любой ситуации :biggrin:
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(https://pp.userapi.com/c635100/v635100047/142b4/tO0PFBPLSYM.jpg)
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McAteer arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. "No," replied McAteer. "I've lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out," said the Irishman.
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Oh dear! Poor Irishman!
-
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
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"What is your age?" asked the judge.
"Remember you're under oath."
"Twenty-one years and some months," the woman answered.
"How many months?" the judge persisted.
"One hundred and eight."
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(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108529/261b2/vjTlkS1o4yg.jpg)
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Больше не на баланс смахивает, а на балласт...
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On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
"What's the matter? Are you sick?"
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see an old lady standing."
-
Head of company requests head of Human Resources:
— Find the person in our company — a young, capable, proactive, that could take my place.
— And then?
— Once you find, immediately fire him!
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Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat.”
Little Johnny replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.”
The man asked, “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?”
Little Johnny answered, “No, he minded his own business!”
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John returned home late and found a naked man in his wife’s bedroom closet.
«Hey, what are you doing in there?»
«I’m riding a bus.»
«That’s a stupid thing to say!»
«That’s a stupid thing to ask!»
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Seventy Years
My grandfather and grandmother were recently celebrating their seventieth wedding anniversary.
While chopping the fresh egg my grandma was moved after seeing my grandfather’s eyes fill with tears.
She took his arm, and looked at him affectionately. «I never knew you were so sentimental,» she whispered.
«No, no,» he said, choking back his tears, «that’s not it at all. Remember when your father found us in the barn and told me to either marry you or spend the next seventy years in jail?»
«Yes,» my grandma replied. «I remember it like yesterday.»
«Well,» said my grandpa, «today I would have been a free man.»
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Problems
A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"
He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"
The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?"
The man answers, "Now the problems start!"
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(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108215/488c9/pUdOxDU7_Go.jpg)
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или Эстонии :good:
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My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.
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Englishman in Australia
An Englishman arrived at Australia. Passport control in the airport. Border guard asks him:
- Have you ever been convicted of a crime?
- Hmm.. Is it still necessary?
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Facetiously!
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(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108915/23400/-_XoSTbDq9E.jpg)
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(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108661/3b7cf/ujCjnJjg538.jpg)
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Photoshop of course, but funny and creative!
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Шесть жен Генриха VIII
Английские дети запоминают их так:
Divorced, Beheaded, Died; (Разведена, обезглавлена, умерла)
Divorced, Beheaded, Survived. (Разведена, обезглавлена, выжила).
(https://pp.userapi.com/c621707/v621707464/4528c/gg4yCrMgM38.jpg)(https://pp.userapi.com/c621707/v621707464/45293/5pxWJwbo4yo.jpg)(https://pp.userapi.com/c621707/v621707464/4529a/B2Typlh8LnU.jpg)
(https://pp.userapi.com/c621707/v621707464/452a1/M4Ir-3cEM1s.jpg)(https://pp.userapi.com/c621707/v621707464/452af/T3SdTQZjzKY.jpg)(https://pp.userapi.com/c621707/v621707464/452b6/NzHwk3HPYXY.jpg)
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Да, времена были тяжелые
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A teacher asks his pupil: Why are you late, Bob?
Bob answers: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Bob: The one that says, «School Ahead, Go Slow».
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Judge=J; Man=M;
J: “Why did you steal the car?”
M: “I had to get to work.”
J: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”
M: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, “Ugh! That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”
The woman stalks off to the rear of the bus and sits down. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says, “You go and give him a telling off. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
-
(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108261/72766/reGuNtCXB-8.jpg)
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Son=S, Father=F
S: I can’t go to school today.
F: Why not?
S: I don’t feel well
F: Where don’t you feel well?
S: In school!
-
(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108920/275ad/s_RNjRUGvwo.jpg)
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Boy — "Dear Santa, for xmas, I would like a baby brother".
Santa — "Send me your mother".
-
Boy — "Dear Santa, for xmas, I would like a baby brother".
Santa — "Send me your mother".
Explicit, but funny!!
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(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108920/275ad/s_RNjRUGvwo.jpg)
A promising student for our school!
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Explicit, but funny!!
Oh!!! You are that sensitive...sorry for hurting your innocent feelings....
-
Oh!!! You are that sensitive...sorry for hurting your innocent feelings....
You are exaggerating it a little bit but the fact you are paying attention is greatly appreciated
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A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
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Шесть жен Генриха VIII
Английские дети запоминают их так:
Divorced, Beheaded, Died; (Разведена, обезглавлена, умерла)
Divorced, Beheaded, Survived. (Разведена, обезглавлена, выжила).
(https://pp.userapi.com/c621707/v621707464/4528c/gg4yCrMgM38.jpg)(https://pp.userapi.com/c621707/v621707464/45293/5pxWJwbo4yo.jpg)(https://pp.userapi.com/c621707/v621707464/4529a/B2Typlh8LnU.jpg)
(https://pp.userapi.com/c621707/v621707464/452a1/M4Ir-3cEM1s.jpg)(https://pp.userapi.com/c621707/v621707464/452af/T3SdTQZjzKY.jpg)(https://pp.userapi.com/c621707/v621707464/452b6/NzHwk3HPYXY.jpg)
Какие-то они все одинаковые. Он их не путал?))
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Да....мы поняли!!! Прикольно!!!
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A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
Yeah, we have to admit, women are really talkative sometimes ..
-
Once Bernard Shaw dropped the phrase that all women are corrupt. The English Queen heard that and when meeting Shaw, asked him:
«Is it true, sir, that you are saying that all women are corrupt?»
«Yes, Your Majesty.»
"And me too?!" — exclaimed the queen indignantly.
«And you too, Your Majesty.» - Shaw said calmly.
«And how much am I worth?» - asked the queen.
«Ten thousand pounds» - Shaw said at once.
"What, so cheap?!" - The queen resented.
«You see, you are already bargaining about the price.» - the playwright smiled.
-
George Bernard Shaw was once approached by a seductive young actress who cooed him in his ear:- ‘Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we got married and had a child with my beauty and your brains?’
George Bernard Shaw who was hardly a handsome man replied: ‘My dear, that would be wonderful indeed, but what if our child had my beauty and your brains?’
-
About Bernand Shaw again
When Bernand Shaw was still a young critic he was invited as a guest to a family party. When he came into the room, the daughter of the house was playing the piano.
"I have heard,' she said very sweetly, turning round to the visitor, "that you are fond of music".
"I am", answered Shaw, "but never mind! Go on playing".
.
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(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108859/12cc60/no7zBqDsYZg.jpg)
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(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108842/35bab/HTFMChLsNRw.jpg)
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Beauty is all very well at first sight; but who ever looks at it when it has been in the house three days?
-
Beauty, if it has nothing under it tends to become boring
-
A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
Teacher: What are you waiting for?
Student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!
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A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
Teacher: What are you waiting for?
Student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!
Ну ооочень тонко! Просто тонюсенько
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Боюсь, что скоро это станет актуальным про нашу, российскую, молодежь....
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Beauty, if it has nothing under it tends to become boring
Suppose there is no beauty and nothing under. What do you think it tends to?
-
A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
Teacher: What are you waiting for?
Student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!
Reminds me of some students
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Suppose there is no beauty and nothing under. What do you think it tends to?
It's a rather extraordinary situation
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(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108993/2a216/KP89JpSxaWE.jpg)
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(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108478/39ad3/ctEn7KH5Y_k.jpg)
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Тонкости перевода)) Вспомнилось это видео
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJJ9tmcMUr0
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In a restaurant:
Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!!
Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.
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"Don't you ever take a vacation?"
"I can't get away/"
"Why? Can't the firm do without you?"
"Quite easily. That's what I don't want them to find out."
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The politician's confidential helper was reporting to him: "Some of your constituents are beginning to disagree rather seriously with you," he said.
"Well, keep a close record on them," instructed the Senator," and when enough disagree with me to form a dependable majority, I'll turn about and agree with them."
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Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
Oh, no! Not today's enemies. They'll step on you and want more from you.
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Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
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No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.
Abraham Lincoln
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(https://images3.memedroid.com/images/UPLOADED16/56cc9473930e9.jpeg)
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(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108668/36a96/Kh86PHnU5zA.jpg)
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Remember that the most dangerous prison is the one in your head.
-
(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108668/36a96/Kh86PHnU5zA.jpg)
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А в чем смысл предыдущего поста....я не понимаю....и кто все эти люди?!
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Первая - героиня культового сериала "Игра престолов", а вторые-незабвенные Гарри Поттер с Гермионой, которые, что бы не играли впоследствии, всё равно остались Гарри Поттером с Гермионой
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А в чем смысл предыдущего поста....я не понимаю....и кто все эти люди?!
Смысл в том, что они актеры одной роли!!!!
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Понятно....я не смотрел эти фильмы.
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A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in a school play.
"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"
The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!"
The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."
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В Лондоне разговаривают двое мужчин:
- Как ваша фамилия?
- Шекспир.
- О, эта фамилия хорошо известна.
- Еще бы! Я двадцать лет разношу почту в этом районе.
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A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in a school play.
"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"
The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!"
The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."
Poor Scottish husbands, they are hardly ever given the opportunity to talk!
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The election campaign speaker was getting tired of being interrupted.
"We seem to have a great many fools here tonight," he said. "wouldn't it be advisable to hear one at a time?"
"Yes," said a voice. "Get on with your speech".
-
Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.
-
A congressman: "I am a self-made man!"
Man in the audience: "That relieves the Almighty of a great responsibility."
-
Английский вариант русского анекдота.
Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said, "Oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"
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(https://sun1-4.userapi.com/c840328/v840328558/545c6/JYX-dfG4jvk.jpg)
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Nice!!
-
(http://globeson.ru/uploads/images/00/00/38/2013/04/19/6c0edf.jpg)
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очень остроумно
-
(https://cs1.livemaster.ru/storage/f2/bb/db31113f381d7adb221855af7761--dizajn-reklama-perevod-instruktsij-po.jpg)
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A: Look at your face! I know what you had for breakfast.
B: What was it?
A: Eggs.
B: No, that was yesterday.
-
A programmer and his wife.
She says, “We’re out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they’ve got eggs, get six.”
After a while, he’s back with six loaves of bread.
The wife asks, “Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?”
He replies, “They had eggs.”
-
On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
"What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."
-
On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
"What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."
How polite of him!
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(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108850/4e007/NuVTAlfVGNI.jpg)
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(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108850/4e007/NuVTAlfVGNI.jpg)
DAL$, жизненно )
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Kate: Why was school easier for cave people?
Jim: Why?
Kate: Because there was no history to study!
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Russians are getting stronger. Twenty years ago it took two people to carry 100 rubles' worth of groceries. Today, my child can do it.
-
In asking for a raise, the employee hinted that several companies were after him.
"WHat companies?" his boss asked. THe man replied: "Why, the gas company, electric company, finance company
-
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.
I looked through five pages. This joke is the funniest one.
-
I looked through five pages. This joke is the funniest one.
Thanks a bunch!
-
The customer entered the department store and sought out the salesman who had waited on her the previous day.
"You said this sweater was 100% wool," she complained. "and here I find a ticket sewed inside on which is printed 'All Cotton'
"What are you worried about lady?" The salesman shrugged, "That ticket is only in there to scare away the moths".
-
Один англичанин отправился купаться. Отплыв на изрядное расстояние от берега, он вдруг обнаружил рядом мужчину в костюме и котелке.
Смущённый, он попытался завязать разговор:
— Добрый день, сэр! Не правда ли, чудесная погода?
— Совершенно согласен, сэр, погода просто замечательная.
— А вода? Не правда ли, изумительно тёплая?
— О да, вода сегодня выше всяких похвал, сэр.
— Простите, сэр... не будет ли с моей стороны неделикатностью спросить у вас, почему вы купаетесь одетым?
— Видите ли, сэр... Это вы купаетесь. Я тону!
-
"Advertising certainly brings results. Why, yesterday I advertised for a night watchman and just last night I was robbed.
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Auctioneer: "What am I offered for this beautiful bust of Robert Burns?"
Man in Crowd: "That ain't Burns .... that's Shakespeare."
Auctioneer: "Well, folks, the joke's on me. That shows how much I know about the Bible."
-
"Now don't worry, Joe," says the manager, visitings the employee in the hospital. "Everyone in the office is going to pitch in and do your work - as soon as we find out just what you've been doing."
-
"Now don't worry, Joe," says the manager, visitings the employee in the hospital. "Everyone in the office is going to pitch in and do your work - as soon as we find out just what you've been doing."
(http://img0.reactor.cc/pics/comment/Destiny-2-Destiny-Игры-Bungie-2812814.gif)
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1 st man: "I say, old man, I'm in a terrible fix. I need some money badly, and I haven't the slightest idea where on earth I'm going to get it from."
2 nd man: "I'm relieved to hear that. I was afraid that you might have an idea you could borrow it from me."
-
One man called up his debtor and demanded payment of a long outstanding account.
"I can't give it to you now," was the answer, as usual
"Give it to me now," replied his creditor, "or I'll tell all your other creditors that you've paid me."
-
- Вы говорите по-английски?
- Только со словарем.
- А с людьми стесняетесь?
-
Father: Tell me how school went today. How do you like it?
Billy: It's hard to like a place that's haunted, dad.
Father: Haunted?! What do you mean?
Billy: It's that new teacher of mine... she keeps talking about the school spirit.
-
How did you make all your money?
I formed a partnership with a rich man.
How did you do it?
He had the money and I had experience/
And was it successful business for you?
Immensely so. When we dissolved a year later, I had the money and he had the experience.
-
"I'm glad to find you as you are," said the old friend.
"Your great wealth hasn't changed you."
"Well," replied the candid millionaire, "it has changed me in one thing. I'm now considered 'eccentric' where I used to be impolite and 'delightfully witty' where I used to be rude."
-
"Sam," his dying partner wheezed. "I have a confession to make. I robbed our firm of $100,00. I sold the secret formula to our competitors. I took the letter from your desk your wife needed to get her divorce. And Sam, I ..."
"That's all right, old man. It was me who poisoned you."
-
Карта столичных достопримечательностей глазами талантливого британского иллюстратора Анны Симмонс
(https://pp.userapi.com/c844721/v844721113/39041/SPVUC6eVkQk.jpg)
-
(http://tomatoz.ru/uploads/posts/2013-02/1361198251_comics-08022013-026_resize.jpg)
-
:biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin:
-
Policeman (calling up station): "A man has been robbed down here, and I've got one of them."
Chief: "Which one have you?"
Policeman: "The man that was robbed."
-
Mr. Key's wife was departing from her house and left a note at the door for her milkman. It stated, "Gone. Don't leave anything." When she returned home, she discovered her house had been entered and burglarized. On the table she found a note which said, "Thanks! WE haven't left much."
-
"You are lying so clumsily," said the judge to the defendant, "that I would advise you to get a lawyer."
-
Client: "I'm going to the electric chair in ten minutes. Can't you tell me something that may save my life?"
Lawyer: "Sure, don't sit down."
-
Черный юмор у вас, однако!
-
ну так, есть немного
-
"You admit having broken into the same dress sho four times. What did you steal?"
"A dress for my wife, but she made me change it three times."
-
ну так, есть немного
хочется белого!!!
-
и красного ::)
-
и красного ::)
И 50 оттенков других цветов))))
-
Синего и голубого
вагона!
-
хочется белого!!!
Помогите разбавить!
Синего и голубого вагона!
А вот этого лучше не надо)
-
(http://s00.yaplakal.com/pics/pics_preview/9/0/0/10982009.jpg)
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(https://cs2.pikabu.ru/post_img2/big/2014/02/06/10/1391703350_499528370.jpg)
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Транслитные шутки за 1000 подъехали)
-
Транслитные шутки за 1000 подъехали)
Like?
-
Like?
Like Like!
-
Teacher: "Now tell us what you know about the scientists of the 19th century."
Student: "They are all dead, sir."
-
-Англичане гордятся своим чувством юмора, а потому спорить, что у других наций тоже есть чувство юмора, не стоит. Кивайте обреченно и продолжайте разговор.
-Англичане преуменьшают многое. Если кто-то спросит, как погода в Африке, лучше ответить «Чуть жарче, чем здесь».
-Учитесь самоиронии. Кто больше смеется над собой, тот и молодец.
-
"Have you anything to say for yourself before I pass sentence?" the judge frowned at the pickpocket. "Just what good have you ever done for mankind?"
"Well, Your Honour," ventured the prisoner, "I've kept four or five detectives working regularly and I've helped several reporters, prison guards, and you keep their jobs."
-
(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108761/40f77/byYEebmRyQU.jpg)
-
don't like coffee at all
-
(https://pp.userapi.com/c844617/v844617537/70785/_D3NrA2W3eA.jpg)
-
Brilliant :biggrin:
-
"Have you anything to say for yourself before I pass sentence?" the judge frowned at the pickpocket. "Just what good have you ever done for mankind?"
"Well, Your Honour," ventured the prisoner, "I've kept four or five detectives working regularly and I've helped several reporters, prison guards, and you keep their jobs."
А ведь и правда! Сколько людей спас от безработицы!
-
"I shall give you ten days or $200," said the judge. "I'll better take the 200$, Judge," said the culprit.
-
"You have been convicted on nineteen counts, and you are hereby committed to the state prison upon a cumulative sentence of ninety-nine years. Have you anything to offer?"
"Nothing, judge, except you're pretty free with another man's time."
-
(https://sun1-3.userapi.com/c840737/v840737587/8b701/b3dNNpQy3d8.jpg)
-
To be or not to be, that is the question!
-
Dad: "You mustn't pull the cat's tail."
Son: "I'm only holding it. THe cat is pulling."
-
To be or not to be, that is the question!
Вы , умница!!!!
-
(https://pp.userapi.com/c543108/v543108117/36177/BsZ0Yl58urg.jpg)
-
Очень тонко)
-
Mother (reprovingly): "William, I wish you'd stop reaching for things at the table. Haven't you got a tongue?"
Son: "Yes, Ma, but my arm's longer!"
-
Ironically
-
"Thomas, what is the matter with your brother?" asked the mother of the boys.
"He's crying," replied Thomas, "because I'm eating my cake and won't give him any."
"Is his own cake finished?" asked the mother.
"Yes, and he was crying when I was eating that, too."
-
(https://pp.userapi.com/c849232/v849232730/7ac6/tY6-GI6v_MI.jpg)
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Вы , умница!!!!
?? Умник !
-
?? Умник !
:dumaet: :dumaet: :dumaet:
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Умник или умница, не принципиально ))
-
DAЛ$, похоже, девушка уверена в алгебраических способностях своего молодого человека)
-
Mother: " I sent my little boy for three pounds of plums and you sent only two."
Grocer: "My scales are all right, madam. Have you weighed your son?"
-
Для этого и нужна математика! Чтоб защитить доступ к деньгам от разгильдяев, не желающих ее учить!
Ответ на пост № 1005.
-
Для этого и нужна математика! Чтоб защитить доступ к деньгам от разгильдяев, не желающих ее учить!
Ответ на пост № 1005.
+1
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Математика - Царица наук ! poklon
-
Сегодня Вы , а завтра Я)
Все люди как люди, а я СУПЕРЗВЕЗДА)!
-
"Dad, give me a dime."
"Son, don't you think you're getting too big to be forever begging for dimes?"
"I guess you are right, Dad, give me a dollar, will ya?"
-
"Thanks very much for the beautifuk necktie," said Junior, kissing Grandma on the cheek.
"Oh, that's nothing to thank me for!"
"That's what I thought, but Ma said I had to."
-
"Now, Willie, I want you to go in and kiss the new nurse."
"Yes, and get my face slapped like Papa did?"
-
A kind old gentleman was strolling down the street when he saw a small boy standing on the front steps of a house, trying to reach the doorbell. The small boy stood on tip-toe, and even jumped up as he could, but he was unable to reach the bell.
The kind old gentleman went up the steps, rang the bell, and said:
"Well, my little man, now what?"
"I don't know what you're going to do," said the little boy., "but I'm going to run like hell."
-
"Well, Bobby, how do you like school?"
"When it's closed"
-
"Do you know why we call our language the mother tongue?"
"Because father never gets a chance to use it.."
-
"In what battle did General Wolfe say 'I die happy,' when he heard that the enemy were running?"
"In his last".
-
My Sister is Awfully Lucky
"My sister is awfully lucky," said little Bobby to his friend. "She went to a party last night, they wre making merry and dancing and then they were playing a game where the boys had either to kiss the girl or pay her a box of chocolate."
"Well, how was your sister lucky?"
"She came home with ten boxes of chocolate."
-
She definitely had a sweet tooth!
-
Flat Tire
One warm spring day, four high school students skipped their period class to go on a drive. When they arrived at school, they told the teacher their car had a flat tire on the way. The teacher smiled understandingly and said, "You missed an important test this morning. Please sit apart from one anio
The students confidently settled into their chairs and the teacher continued, "No talking, please. Now write the answer to this question: "Which tire was flat?"
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She definitely had a sweet tooth!
I believe the idea is that the poor girl happens to an unattractive one, which is going to be a drama for the girl and at the moment is a happy and sweet life for her little and just budding brother.
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I believe the idea is that the poor girl happens to an unattractive one, which is going to be a drama for the girl and at the moment is a happy and sweet life for her little and just budding brother.
This is another side of the coin.. But I hope she was less happy about being kissed and would more gladly obtain 10 boxes of chocolate (According to her brother).
-
A son at college wrote to his father:
"No mon, no fun, your son."
The father answered:
"How sad, too bad, your dad."
-
"Our teacher talks to himself. Does yours?"
"Yes, but he doesn't realise it - he thinks we're listening."
-
This is another side of the coin.. But I hope she was less happy about being kissed and would more gladly obtain 10 boxes of chocolate (According to her brother).
This is a man's point of view. No normal woman would ever be happy about not being paid any man's attention to herself as a woman.
-
This is a man's point of view. No normal woman would ever be happy about not being paid any man's attention to herself as a woman.
It's hard to disagree. Everybody wants to be paid attention, even those who claim not to be dependent upon other people's opinion.
-
Professor: "You look a bit worried. Does the question embarass you?"
Student: "Not at all, sir. It is the answer which embarasses me."
-
Teacher: "Name two pronouns."
Pupil: "Who? Me?"
-
Student: "I don't think I deserve a zero on this paper."
Teacher: "Neither do I, but it's the lowest mark I can give."
-
On Keeping Secrecy
Some people's idea on keeping a secret is to refuse to tell who tell it to them.
-
On Keeping Secrecy
Some people's idea on keeping a secret is to refuse to tell who tell it to them.
I've never come across such phenomena. However, I do believe there are quite a number of people of that kind.
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Father: "My boy, I never kissed a girl until I met your mother. Will you be able to say the same thing to your son?"
Son: "Yes, but not with such a straight face."
-
Father: "My boy, I never kissed a girl until I met your mother. Will you be able to say the same thing to your son?"
Son: "Yes, but not with such a straight face."
One of the best jokes!
-
One of the best jokes!
Ann, thanks a bunch!
-
"Broken off your engagement to Mary?"
"She wouldn't have me."
"Did you tell her about your rich uncle?"
"Yes. She is my aunt now."
-
"I have a hair-raising story."
" Tell it to some bald-headed man."
-
"I have a hair-raising story."
" Tell it to some bald-headed man."
A snappy answer!
-
The millionaire, examining a prospective son-in-law, demanded:
"Would you love my Gwendolyn just as much if she were poor?"
"Certainly, sir."
"You've said enough. We don't want any fools in this family."
-
Every Medal Has Its Reverse
"How is your daughter doing in America?"
"Great! She married a nice American boy. He helps her with the cleaning, washes the dishes, looks after the baby when she wants to go out - in fact, he does everything for her."
"And how is your son doing?"
"Poor boy! He married a slut of an American girl. He must help her with the cleaning, wash the dishes, look after the baby when she goes out - in fact, he has to do everything for the hussy."
-
"And what were you before you married?"
"A Housemaid."
"And the change is a pleasant one?"
"The change isn't much - I just work for nothing now."
-
"I'm glad I attended your lectures on insomnia, doctor."
"Did you find them interesting?"
"No, but they have cured my insomnia."
-
"Your husband boasts he runs things in his family."
"He does - the lawn mower, the washing machine, vacuum cleaner, baby carriage and the errands."
-
"Thomas, what is the matter with your brother?" asked the mother of the boys.
"He's crying," replied Thomas, "because I'm eating my cake and won't give him any."
"Is his own cake finished?" asked the mother.
"Yes, and he was crying when I was eating that, too."
After looking through the jokes of this branch I found the one which I used to use when teaching my students Continuous
forms.
-
After looking through the jokes of this branch I found the one which I used to use when teaching my students Continuous
forms.
Interesting approach, I didn't notice there were so many examples of Continuous tenses here.
-
Interesting approach, I didn't notice there were so many examples of Continuous tenses here.
You can teach people many things using jokes.
-
You can teach people many things using jokes.
I will take your advice into consideration.
-
"I'm buying a washing machine for my wife as a birthday present."
"That will be a surprise, eh?"
"You bet! She is expecting a car!"
-
"I'm buying a washing machine for my wife as a birthday present."
"That will be a surprise, eh?"
"You bet! She is expecting a car!"
Do men really believe that women are that demanding?
-
Do men really believe that women are that demanding?
It's merely a joke. Nevertheless, some women, who I have a misfortune of knowing, are even more demanding than that!
-
"Did you give your wife that little lecture on economy you spoke of?"
"Yes."
"Any result?"
"Yes - I had to give up smoking."
-
"Did you give your wife that little lecture on economy you spoke of?"
"Yes."
"Any result?"
"Yes - I had to give up smoking."
Do you happen to know what is the English for the word "подкаблучник"?
-
Do you happen to know what is the English for the word "подкаблучник"?
I believe the most common word is a 'henpecked husband' or simply 'henpecked'
-
I believe the most common word is a 'henpecked husband' or simply 'henpecked'
Could you think of a good and vivid example?
-
Could you think of a good and vivid example?
He was henpecked into giving up golf and selling his clubs by his spouse.
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1 st lady: "My husband is so forgetful."
2 nd lady: "SO I've noticed. At the party last night I had to keep reminding him that he's married to you and not me."
-
1 st lady: "My husband is so forgetful."
2 nd lady: "SO I've noticed. At the party last night I had to keep reminding him that he's married to you and not me."
The second lady is a b.... (no lady)! Who tells the wives what their husbands do?
-
The second lady is a b.... (no lady)! Who tells the wives what their husbands do?
Ann, couldn't agree more. She tried to pretend being her friend.
-
Mr. Smith: "Now, Biddie, why did you tell your mistress what time I came home last night, when I asked you not to."
Bridget: "I didn't at all, sir. She asked me what time you got in, and I told her I was too busy cooking breakfast to look at the clock."
-
Linda: "Mum, do all fairy tales begin with 'once upon a time'?"
Mother: No, darling. Sometimes they begin, "My love I will be detained at the office pretty late tonight."
-
Harold: "Percy, you should pull down your curtains, I saw you plainly holding your wife on your lap last night."
Percy: "The joke is on you, Harold. I was not home at all last night."
-
Some men are so interested in their wives' continued happiness that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it.
-
Some men are so interested in their wives' continued happiness that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it.
хлопаю стоя!!! :applodisment: :applodisment: :applodisment: :applodisment:
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The wife insisted on taking innumerable otfits with her, and they arrived at the station loaded with luggage. "I wish," said the husband thoughfully, "that we'd brought the piano."
" You needn't be sarcastic," came the frigid replay. "It's not a bit funny."
"I'm not trying to be funny, I left the tickets on it."
-
"If you were my wife, I would give you poison!"
"If you were my wife, I'd take it!"
-
"If you were my wife, I would give you poison!"
"If you were my wife, I'd take it!"
Автор Черчиль?
-
Автор Черчиль?
DAЛ$, я смотрю, вы в теме)
-
Patient: "I'm in love with you. I don't want to get well."
Nurse: "You won't. The doctor saw you kissing me and he is in love with me, too."
-
"Tell me truly, doctor, what are my chances to recover?"
" Just 100 per cent. Statistics show that nine out of ten die from this disease, and nine of my patients have already died from it. You are the tenth."
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Нашла анекдот. Понравился!
Police: Where do you live?
Me: With my parents.
Police: Where do your parents live?
Me: With me.
Police: Where do you all live?
Me: Together
Police: Where is your house?
Me: Next to my neighbour.
Police: Where does your neighbour live?
Me: If i tell you, you wont believe me.
Police: Tell me.
Me: Next to my house.
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Spirit of Finland, Hilarious!
-
"Did you ever have this before?"
"Yes, doctor."
"Well, you have got it again."
-
Spirit of Finland, Hilarious!
I am of the same opinion. Go on like this, Spirit of Finland!
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(https://pp.userapi.com/c631130/v631130989/4275b/lFyBGOooovY.jpg)
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(https://pp.userapi.com/c623326/v623326989/55793/NBaZrv5sEzY.jpg)
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Rubick's Cube is a piece of cake compared to messed up headphones...
-
(https://sun1-17.userapi.com/CQwYjz90InxYXSnhTeK3g7RJFnx_E4BaJzVaxA/J7izMv2HJGo.jpg)
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Doctor: "Could you pay for an operation if I thought one was necessary?"
Patient: "Would you find one necessary if I couldn't pay for it?"
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Do you know the difference?
Bernard Shaw got an invitation to see a new play. Ater the performance the producer asked the writer:"What is the difference between comedy, drama and tragedy?"
"Young man," answered Bernard Shaw, "the fact that you don't know the difference between comedy, drama and tragedy is, for me personnally, comedy, for the spectators - drama, and for you - tragedy."
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I simply adore Bernard SHaw's aforisms and jokes!
-
I simply adore Bernard SHaw's aforisms and jokes!
If you ask me, I don't think I know many of them. I wish I knew more.
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Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything. George Bernard Shaw.
-
To be conscious that you are ignorant is a great step to knowledge. Benjamin Disraeli
-
(https://sun1-5.userapi.com/-cTnYyZeoCSq3vfnCVk5Ov2J3wAyy-C9q2WSnQ/IM7pnx-KBq0.jpg)
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"Has your husband taken the medicine I prescribed? A tablet before each meal and a small whiskey after?"
"Maybe he's a few tablets behind; but he's months ahead on the whiskey."
-
Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything. George Bernard Shaw.
Ехасtly!
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“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”
― George Bernard Shaw
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Я не знаю, что я хочу, но я знаю, что хочу это сейчас же.
У мужчин нет памяти. У женщин есть, поэтому есть цивилизация. Женщина помнит, что ты сказал ей 17 лет назад! И даже как ты посмотрел на нее сегодня утром!
А ведь были времена, когда мужчина был мужчиной и мог с полной уверенностью высказать свое авторитетное мнение по вопросу, о котором он вообще ничего не знал.
Я пил текилу с друзьями. Это даже не напиток. Это способ вызвать полицию без телефона.
Дилан Моран
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“The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself."
― George Bernard Shaw, Man and Superman
-
About Bernard Shaw, DAS. Isn't it time to remember our club text book? To remind Yemi of Stevenson and to start finishing it all up?
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About Bernard Shaw, DAS. Isn't it time to remember our club text book? To remind Yemi of Stevenson and to start finishing it all up?
If you say so. We'll discuss it with him.
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If you say so. We'll discuss it with him.
I say so.
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I say so.
We'll look these materials through as we agreed on Friday.
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He was the only witness to the car accident. The cop asked his name. "John Smith," he said.
"Give us your real name," ordered the cop.
"Well, put me down as William Shakespeare."
"That's better," said the cop, "you can't fool me with that Smith stuff."
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The following joke is my favourite one and the one which we introduced into "The Art of Communication" book:
"Why is your dog watching me so closely while I am eating?"
"It's because you are eating out of his plate.'
-
The following joke is my favourite one and the one which we introduced into "The Art of Communication" book:
"Why is your dog watching me so closely while I am eating?"
"It's because you are eating out of his plate.'
Our students like it, too.
-
Mother: What did you learn in school today
Son: How to write
Mother: What did you write?
Son: I don't know, they haven't taught us how to read yet!
-
"Sergeant, you say my son is a reckless driver?"
"Yes sir if the road turns the same way he does, it's purely coincidental."
-
(https://sun1-18.userapi.com/c7004/v7004532/59182/qXLBwhNBRHU.jpg)
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Великий и могучий Russian > English
-
Великий и могучий Russian > English
Бальзам на душу!!!!
-
Doctor: «This medicine is from insomnia, this one is from nervous break-down, and also take this one from depression».
Patient: «Thank you very much, doctor, but do you have any other medicine besides vodka?
-
Doctor: «This medicine is from insomnia, this one is from nervous break-down, and also take this one from depression».
Patient: «Thank you very much, doctor, but do you have any other medicine besides vodka?
The trouble is that this medicine is a short distance one.
-
The trouble is that this medicine is a short distance one.
But a versatile medicine, nonetheless.
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(https://pp.userapi.com/c844616/v844616879/17e8fc/uC02Sf7yTZE.jpg)
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Can't help agreeing) It sounds logical.
-
Motor Cop: "Why didn't you stop when I shouted back there?"
Driver: " I thought you just said, 'Good morning, Senator."
Cop: "Well, you see, Senator, I wanted to warn you about driving fast through the next township."
-
A Practical Sailor
A sailor was asked: "What book would you like to have with you if you found yourself on an uninhabited island after a shipreck?"
"Probably a handbook on how to build a boat."
-
A Practical Sailor
A sailor was asked: "What book would you like to have with you if you found yourself on an uninhabited island after a shipreck?"
"Probably a handbook on how to build a boat."
Really practical. Such person will survive in any circumstances.
-
An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: «If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home. :P
-
An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: «If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home. :P
Clever approach!
-
(https://pp.userapi.com/c7004/v7004283/57aa6/c-UeoG2ZI2w.jpg)
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Искусство по прежнему в большом долгу)
-
Limerick
There came a countryman to Ealing,
Devoid of all delicate feeling.
When he read on the door:
"Please don't spit on the floor",
He immediately spat on the ceiling.
-
Limerick
There came a countryman to Ealing,
Devoid of all delicate feeling.
When he read on the door:
"Please don't spit on the floor",
He immediately spat on the ceiling.
очень по-современному))))
-
Напоминает некоторых учеников)
-
"Are you feeling very ill?"asks the phisician."Let me see your tongue, please."
"It's no use, Doctor," says the poor patient. "No tongue can tell you how bad I feel."
-
Battered Motorist (waking up):
"WHere am I? Where am I?"
Nurse: this number 127.
Motorist: "Room or cell?"
-
(https://pp.userapi.com/c7004/v7004741/59593/upa2Djs9SHc.jpg)
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"How far is it to the next filling station?"
"Near two miles as the crow flies."
"Well, how far is it if the damned crow has to walk and roll a flat tire?"
-
(https://sun1-14.userapi.com/c7004/v7004274/5c1e2/K_3CAJRgKXE.jpg)
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Difference between a beautiful night and a horror night.
Beautiful night is, when you hug your teddy bear and sleep.
Horror night is, when your teddy bear hugs you back.
-
(https://sun1-14.userapi.com/c7004/v7004274/5c1e2/K_3CAJRgKXE.jpg)
Can't help smiling!
-
A teacher is talking to a pupil.
T: Did your mother help your with your homework?
P: No, she did it all by herself.
-
Teacher: "A fool can ask more questions than a wise man can answer."
Student: "No wonder so many of us flunk in our exams."
-
handy memo :biggrin:
(https://pp.userapi.com/c7004/v7004529/5d56b/6ih8mwymxpM.jpg)
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handy memo :biggrin:
Главное не перепутать!
-
Главное не перепутать!
по утрам делают РМ или аристократы или дегенераты!)
-
(https://native-english.com.ua/wp-content/uploads/2017/10/374894dab29914e3d2629c2efb2a854c.jpg.pagespeed.ce.OEWBuuJCHs.jpg)
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по утрам делают РМ или аристократы или дегенераты!)
вот это нормально было)
-
Jack: I’ve invited 17 people to watch a movie, would you come?
Sam: Ok Jack, but why so many people?
Jack: Because the DVD said “Only 18+ viewers.” :P
-
Student: "I don't think I deserve a zero on this paper."
Teacher: "Neither do I, but it's the lowest grade I can give."
-
(https://interesnoznat.com/wp-content/uploads/1-688.jpg)
-
(https://interesnoznat.com/wp-content/uploads/9-508.jpg)
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(https://interesnoznat.com/wp-content/uploads/9-508.jpg)
То ли B, то ли E. Определиться сложно.
-
Teacher (to his pupil): "you know, Tom. when Lincoln was your age he was a very good pupil. In fact, he was the best pupil in the class."
Tom: "Yes, mr. Rogers. But when he was your age, he was the President of the Unites States."
-
(https://pp.userapi.com/c540100/v540100266/b026f/HC-qSOfLa3U.jpg)
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Finding one of her pupils making faces at others on the playground, Miss Smith, their teacher, stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, 'Tom, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.' Tom looked up, smiled and replied, 'Well, Miss Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.'
-
Nick comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, 'What did you learn today?'
He replies, 'Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.'
-
Two college friends met after a long separation. Said the first,
"What are you doing nowadays?"
"Trying to earn an honest living," answered the second.
"Well, you certainly wont have much competition."
-
—Wake up, son. It's time to go to school.
—But why, Mum? I don't want to go.
—Give me two reasons why you don't want to go.
—Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!
—Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.
—Give me two reasons why I should go to school.
—Well, for one, you're 45 years old. And for another, you're the Head teacher!
-
Mr. Smith: "I won't eat this awful stuff. Call the proprietor!"
Waiter: "It's no use. He won't eat it either."
-
(https://sun1-22.userapi.com/c635104/v635104040/410f6/nuMMVC9Nxc4.jpg)
-
(https://sun1-26.userapi.com/c635104/v635104244/4eae2/fteuLdAhE3s.jpg)
-
I liked to watch Tom & Jerry as a child.
-
Bell hop: "Did you ring, sir?"
Guest: "No, I was tolling. I thought you were dead."
-
(https://sun1-29.userapi.com/c635104/v635104672/5d6b0/N7GKUYwwPP8.jpg)
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(https://sun1-25.userapi.com/c635104/v635104665/3b486/xmbddwD48wU.jpg)
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Mom: Do you think I’m a bad mom John?
Son: Mom, my name is Jaсk!
-
Mom: Do you think I’m a bad mom John?
Son: Mom, my name is Jaсk!
N1!
-
Customer: "What does this mean? There's a fly in the bottom of my tea-cup!"
Waiter: "How do I know? I'm a waiter, not a clairvoyant."
-
Customer: "Why does this lobster have a claw missing?"
Waiter: "He was in a fight sir."
Customer: "Take this one back and bring me the winner."
-
(https://sun9-25.userapi.com/c635104/v635104059/471f1/J0MjC7yjBmc.jpg)
-
(https://sun9-3.userapi.com/c635104/v635104252/42869/dTJ0el8DU_Q.jpg)
-
—Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.
—That's impossible. Whose baby?
—An elephant's
-
Waiter: "For 50$ you get a meal tres magnifique, for $30 you get a meal tres elegant, for $20 you get a meal tres superb."
Customer: "What do I get for 10$"
Waiter: "For 10$? Oh, you get the tray."
-
Doing Their Homework
When Dad came home he was astonished to see Vic sitting on a horse, writing something.
'What on earth are you doing there?' he asked.
'Well, the teacher told us to write an essay on our favourite animal.' Answered Vic, 'That's why I'm here and that's why Sara's sitting in the goldfish bowl.'
-
(https://sun9-34.userapi.com/c635104/v635104610/4f97b/J9tFLIFJVOM.jpg)
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DAL$, Beautiful and picturesque image!
By the way, as a teacher, I prefer to avoid such iterations like: "The test isn't that confusing", because, in case it does prove to be such, students might feel embarrassed at least.
-
Customer: "Have you any wild duck?"
Waiter: "No sir, but we can take a tame one and irritate it for you."
-
—What did one sailor say to the other when they had the same problem?
—We're in the same boat.
-
Warning in a Cocktail Bar: "Customers are requested to keep their seats while the room is in motion."
-
—What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
—'Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I never told them anything!!'
-
(https://sun9-4.userapi.com/c635100/v635100940/7db53/EhvLLXI4aVE.jpg)
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(https://c.radikal.ru/c42/1908/8f/226599f2f2eb.png) (https://radikal.ru)
-
Editor: "Did you write this poem yourself?"
Contibutor: "Yes, every line of it."
Editor: "Then I am glad to meet you, sir Edgar Allan Poe, I thought you were dead long ago."
-
"I've changed my mind."
"And does the new one work better?"
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Writer : "Do you think I need to put more fire into my editorials?"
Editor: "No, vice versa."
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Uncle: Son, what’s your age?
Nephew: 28
Uncle: It’s an age of marriage, son. When will you marry?
Nephew: Very soon. And what’s your age, uncle?
Uncle: 75
Nephew: It’s an age of death, uncle. When will you die?
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"I've changed my mind."
"And does the new one work better?"
Good question!
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The wits say that once the famous American dancer Isadora Dunkan wrote to George Bernard Shaw and suggested:
"We two ought to have a child, so it could inherit my beauty and your brains." Shaw reportedly wrote back:
"Madam, I am flattered - but suppose it turned out to have my beauty and your brains?"
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He was the only witness to the car accident. The cop asked his name. "John Smith," he said.
"Give us your real name," ordered the cop.
"Well, put me down as William Shakespeare."
"That's better," said the cop, "you can't fool me with that Smith stuff."
After reading a great number of jokes from out of here I've chosen this one as one of the best.
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After reading a great number of jokes from out of here I've chosen this one as one of the best.
Pleased to hear!
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An Active Generation
Son: Mummy do you remember that old vase that had been handed from generation to generation in our family?
Mother: Yes, dear, what about it?
Son: Well, it has been broken by this generation.
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An Active Generation
Son: Mummy do you remember that old vase that had been handed from generation to generation in our family?
Mother: Yes, dear, what about it?
Son: Well, it has been broken by this generation.
These new active generations seem to be destroying everything the previous generations had built.
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"Why did they hang that picture?"
"Perhaps because they couldn't find the artist."
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“Make it a rule never to give a child a book you would not read yourself.”
― George Bernard Shaw
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Landlord: " I want you to pay your rent,"
Struggling artist: "Let me tell you this - in a few years' time people will look up at this miserable studio and say, "Doakes, the famous artist used to work there."
Landlord: "IF you don't pay your rent now, they will be able to say it tomorrow.."
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"My daughter's music lessons are a fortune to me."
"How's that?"
"Well, they enabled me to buy the neighbours' houses at half price."
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"I'd like to borrow a book, please."
"Something light?"
"That doesn't matter? I have my car with me."
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"This song haunts me."
"It should. You just murdered it."
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"Your voice surprises me."
"I studied and spent one million dollars to learn to sing."
"I'd like to have you meet my brother."
"Is he a singer, too?"
"No, he is a lawyer, he'll get your money back."
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He was the only witness to the car accident. The cop asked his name. "John Smith," he said.
"Give us your real name," ordered the cop.
"Well, put me down as William Shakespeare."
"That's better," said the cop, "you can't fool me with that Smith stuff."
Have I ever written that I like this joke?
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Have I ever written that I like this joke?
Don't remember whether you have or not but I have to admit I like this one, too!
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"Do you ever get a stage fright?"
"Every time I see an egg or a tomato."
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Climate and Weather
"What is the difference between climate and weather?"
"Climate lasts all the time, but weather only a few days."
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Climate and Weather
"What is the difference between climate and weather?"
"Climate lasts all the time, but weather only a few days."
Looks like a nice definition !
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"What do you think of my execution?"
"I'm in favor of it."
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Movie Star: "Let me introduce you to my husband."
Director: "Delighted. I'm always glad to meet any husbands of yours."
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She (at comedy): "Are they putting that poor man out for laughing?"
He: "No, they want to find out what he was laughing at."
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"Here is where you jump of the cliff."
"Yeah, but suppose I get injured or killed?"
"Oh, that's all right. It's the last scene of the picture."
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Good Customer
A runaway couple were married in Greta Green and were asked five guineas for the services. "How is this?" asked the bridegroom, "I was told by the gentleman who had been married here last month that he had given you only a guinea."
"That's true, we were paid only a guinea then," was the answer, because your friend is a very good customer. He came here to be married at least six times. As to you..... who knows? You may never be seen again.
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Regular customers always get bonuses !
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"Sorry, couldn't come to your wedding."
"Never mind. You'll come to the next one."
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Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
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How to Give up Smoking?
An ad (advertisement) was published "Want to stop smoking? Join our staff. Smokers do not last here. Explosives Research Laboratory."
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Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.
Maria: This is it.
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class: Maria did.
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Teacher: Maria, if you stand with your back to the north and look to the south, what will be on your left hand?
Maria: Fingers.
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A: I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!
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Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
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Political Orator: "All that I am or ever will be, I owe to my mother."
Heckler: "Why don't you send her 30 cents and square the account?"
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One Republican to another:
"I have my own method of getting votes. I give every taxi driver a big tip and tell him to vote Republican."
"I have a better method. I give them no tip at all and tell them to vote Democratic."
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Why couldn't Cinderella be a good soccer player?
She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin.
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Warden: "Do you know rabbits are out of season now?"
Hunter: "Yes, but I had to shoot this one. Plain self defence."
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"I suppose all geniuses are conceited"
"Some of them - but I am not."
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(https://sun9-6.userapi.com/c635104/v635104961/81ea8/S7KHfeGX_cM.jpg)
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Стоит только надеть смокинг, сразу другое восприятие!
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Стоит только надеть смокинг, сразу другое восприятие!
Винни, в смокинге, прекрасен!
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“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”
Mark Twain
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“The liar's punishment is, not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else.”
― George Bernard Shaw,
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The Ugliest Baby
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, “Ugh! That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”
The woman stalks off to the rear of the bus and sits down. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, “The driver has just insulted me!”
The man says, “You go and give him a telling off. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
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Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.
Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.
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Hide-and-seek
(https://d.radikal.ru/d19/2003/12/b75af48aff3a.jpg) (https://radikal.ru)
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Men go shopping to find what they want… Women go shopping to find out what they want.
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Men go shopping to find what they want… Women go shopping to find out what they want.
And this is absolute truth!
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How can you sleep so much?
I just can't stay idle I need to be doing something all the time!
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I'm My Own Boss
I was in a cab today and the cab driver said,
“I love my job, I’m my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do.”
Then I said, “Turn Left”.
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A guessing game
Dad:What did you do at school today?
Peter: We did a guessing game.
Dad: But I thought you were having a math exam.
Peter: That's right!
This joke is dedicated to «ОГЭ, ЕГЭ»
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Patient: "I'm glad I attended you lectures on insomnia, doctor!"
Doctor: "Did you find them interesting?"
Patient: "No, but they cured my insomnia."
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Young Danny, fooling in his father's den, succeeded in swallowing a shotgun shell. His mother rushed to the doctor.
THe doctor said: "I won't be able to operate until Friday. Keep the boy from jumping around too much and don't point him at anybody."
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Greatness and Likeness
A film producer was visiting the studio where a historical film was being shot.
" And what part that little fellow play?" he asked.
"He plays Napoleon," explained the film director.
"And why do we have so small a man to play such an important big part?"
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Greatness and Likeness
A film producer was visiting the studio where a historical film was being shot.
" And what part that little fellow play?" he asked.
"He plays Napoleon," explained the film director.
"And why do we have so small a man to play such an important big part?"
According to a popular belief, Napoleon was rather short. However, compared to his country fellowmen he wasn't all that short for those times
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"Are you feeling very ill?" asks the physician. "Let me see your tongue, please."
"It's no use, doctor. No tongue can tell you how ill I feel."
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"Are you feeling very ill?" asks the physician. "Let me see your tongue, please."
"It's no use, doctor. No tongue can tell you how ill I feel."
Poor fellow doesn't know how much a tongue can actually tell
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Poor fellow doesn't know how much a tongue can actually tell
About the tongue which can tell much. Oh, yes! It can. And there is no stopping it nowadays! Is there any way out?
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About the tongue which can tell much. Oh, yes! It can. And there is no stopping it nowadays! Is there any way out?
IF I get it right, we need to remember that 'silence is golden' sometimes.
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"Tell me truly, doctor, what are my chance to recover?"
"Just 100 per cent. Statistics show that only nine our of ten die from AIDS - and nine of my patients have already died. You're the tenth."
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IF I get it right, we need to remember that 'silence is golden' sometimes.
Oh, yes! It is. And I am coming to the conclusion that we should try to learn when and how we can use it.
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Oh, yes! It is. And I am coming to the conclusion that we should try to learn when and how we can use it.
Sometimes silence might be used to influence people
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No Faith
Man: "Doctor, I must confess I have not the slightest faith in modern medical science"
Doctor: "Well," said the doctor, "that doesn't matter in the least. You see, a mule has no faith in the veterinary surgeon, and yet he cures him all the same."
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«Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, I’m possible!» :P
(Audrey Hepburn).
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«Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, I’m possible!» :P
(Audrey Hepburn).
Audrey Hepburn wasn't only a brilliant actress but a wise woman as well!
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Sometimes silence might be used to influence people
And it should be used! There is too much talk in the world nowadays.
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And it should be used! There is too much talk in the world nowadays.
Couldn't agree more! Moreover, silence also speaks louder than words sometimes - it might even express more than if the person tried to explain his/her viewpoint or attitude.
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He Likes Going to School !
Father: And, how do you like going to school, son?
Son: Well, the going bit is OK, the coming home bit is fine too, but the time in between ruins it all.
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‘Will’
A man went to his lawyer and said, “I would like to make a will but I don’t know exactly how to go about it.” The lawyer says, “Don’t worry, leave it all to me”. The man looks somewhat upset… “Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice – but I’d like to leave a little to my children too!”
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Dentist
- What time did the man go to the dentist?
- Tooth hurt-y.
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5 school jokes for kids
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hissstory.
Which school supply is king of the classroom?
A ruler.
Why did the teacher wear sunglasses to school?
Because her students were so bright.
What time would it be if Godzilla came to school?
Time to run!
What is a witch’s favorite subject in school?
Spelling!
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Some more 5 school jokes for kids
Which letter of the English alphabet has the most water?
The “C.”
What’s the best place to grow flowers in school?
In kindergarden.
Why did the teacher draw on the window?
Because he wanted his lesson to be very clear!
What do elves learn in school?
The elf-a-bet.
Why did the egg get thrown out of class?
Because he kept telling yolks.
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(https://i.ibb.co/q5TYwZc/e0bad8358a79955180efddbf174d7233.jpg)
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5 short jokes about animals
What do you call an ant who fights crime? A vigilANTe!
Why are snails slow? Because they’re carrying a house on their back.
What’s the smartest insect? A spelling bee!
What do birds give out on Halloween? Tweets.
What’s a cat’s favorite dessert? A bowl full of mice-cream.