Тонкий английский юмор

[Ann]

How to Give up Smoking?

     An ad (advertisement) was published "Want to stop smoking? Join our staff. Smokers do not last here. Explosives Research Laboratory."

[DAS]

Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

[DAS]

"Sorry, couldn't come to your wedding."

"Never mind. You'll come to the next one."

[DAS]

Regular customers always get bonuses !

[Ann]

Good Customer

     A runaway couple  were married in Greta Green and were asked five guineas for the services. "How is this?" asked the  bridegroom, "I was told by the gentleman who had been married here last month that he had given you only a guinea."
     "That's true, we were paid only a guinea then," was the answer, because your friend is a very good customer. He came here to be married at least six times. As to you..... who knows? You may never be seen again.

[DAS]

"Here is where you jump of the cliff."

"Yeah, but suppose I get injured or killed?"

"Oh, that's all right. It's the last scene of the picture."

[DAS]

She (at comedy): "Are they putting that poor man out for laughing?"

He: "No, they want to find out what he was laughing at."

[DAS]

Movie Star: "Let me introduce you to my husband."

Director: "Delighted. I'm always glad to meet any husbands of yours."

[DAS]

"What do you think of my execution?"

"I'm in favor of it."

[DAS]

     

Climate and Weather

     "What is the difference between climate and weather?"
     "Climate lasts all the time, but weather only a few days."

       Looks like a nice definition !

[Ann]

     

Climate and Weather

     "What is the difference between climate and weather?"
     "Climate lasts all the time, but weather only a few days."

[DAS]

"Do you ever get a stage fright?"

"Every time I see an egg or a tomato."

[DAS]

   Have I ever written that I like this joke?

  Don't remember whether you have or not but I have to admit I like this one, too!

[Ann]

He was the only witness to the car accident. The cop asked his name. "John Smith," he said.
"Give us your real name," ordered the cop.
"Well, put me down as William Shakespeare."
"That's better," said the cop, "you can't fool me with that Smith stuff."

   Have I ever written that I like this joke?

[DAS]

"Your voice surprises me."

"I studied and spent one million dollars to learn to sing."

"I'd like to have you meet my brother."

"Is he a singer, too?"

"No, he is a lawyer, he'll get your money back."