Тонкий английский юмор

[Sergevna]

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."


The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

[Sergevna]

Meaning Of WIFE

Husband asks, Do u know the meaning of WIFE. It means...
Without Information Fighting Everytime!

WIFE on hearing this says, it could also mean-
With Idiot For Ever.

[Sergevna]

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can"t understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.

[Sergevna]

A Student wrote a letter to is father from hostel:
dear Dad...!
No Money, No Fun
Your son!

His Father Replied:
Dear Son!
So Sad, Very bad.
Your Dad!

[Sergevna]

Latter from husband ( who is abroad) to wife

Dear Sweetheart:

I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses.

You are my sweetheart

Your husband
Allen

============ =========
His wife replied back after some days to her husband:

Dearest sweetheart,

Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.

2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.

3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three
kisses instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given
him Some other items....... ....

5. Other expenses 40 kisses

Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35
kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance.

Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise!!!

[admist]

Да, пират должен быть одноглазым. Но зачем так длинно, и почему по-английски?

Вон, Черномырдин все говорил гораздо короче, емче, сочнее и по-русски:

- Никогда этого не было, и вот опять . . .

Никакой английский юмор рядом не стоял.

Поясняю: юмор не должен быть комментируемым; даже "тонкий английский".

Вот пример НАСТОЯЩЕГО английского юмора:

There was a young person of Ayr,
Whose head was remarkably square:
      On the top, in fine weather,
      She wore a gold feather;
Which dazzled the people of Ayr

[admist]

Kids' Logic

Killer Standup
6-year-old Jimmy, a precocious kid, always told everyone he wanted to be a doctor when he grew up. One day as Jimmy was running through his house playing, he ran into the corner of a table and hurt his eye. Being a little kid, Jimmy cried for a while but also kept saying, "Oh no, now I can never be a doctor when I grow up."

Jimmy’s mom trying to reassure him told Jimmy that he could still be a doctor but Jimmy kept insisting that he couldn't.

Finally she asked, "Why can't you be a doctor, Jimmy?"

Holding one hand over his injured eye, Jimmy said, "Because now I will have to be a pirate!"

Да, пират должен быть одноглазым. Но зачем так длинно и по-английски?

Вон, Черномырдин все говорил гораздо короче, емче, сочнее и по-русски:

- Никогда этого не было, и вот опять . . .

Никакой английский юмор рядом не стоял.

[Sergevna]

Kids' Logic

Killer Standup
6-year-old Jimmy, a precocious kid, always told everyone he wanted to be a doctor when he grew up. One day as Jimmy was running through his house playing, he ran into the corner of a table and hurt his eye. Being a little kid, Jimmy cried for a while but also kept saying, "Oh no, now I can never be a doctor when I grow up."

Jimmy’s mom trying to reassure him told Jimmy that he could still be a doctor but Jimmy kept insisting that he couldn't.

Finally she asked, "Why can't you be a doctor, Jimmy?"

Holding one hand over his injured eye, Jimmy said, "Because now I will have to be a pirate!"

[Sergevna]

One day, a man was driving his daughter home after school when he accidently pressed his car horn. Embarrassed, the father admitted to his daughter that he had done it by accident. "I know, Daddy” she replied. Curious, the father asked: "How do you know?" He could barely hold in his laughter when his daughter innocently replied: "Because you didn't yell JERK afterwards."

[Sergevna]

After tucking her children into bed, a mother changed out of her daytime clothing and jumped in to a nice relaxing shower. However, her shower ended quickly, as she could hear her children begin to wrestle and call each other names. By the time she had stepped out of the shower and wrapped her body and hair in some towels, the children had become quite rambunctious. Annoyed, the mother flung open the door to the bedroom and demanded that her children go to bed. As she was walking down the hall, she heard her daughter turn to her sibling and say: "Who was that?"

[Sergevna]

During a particularly violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small child into bed when the boy stopped her from turning off the bedroom light. "Mommy, will you sleep in my bed tonight?" he asked, voice trembling. His mother smiled and said "I'm sorry, sweetie, but I have to sleep in Daddy’s bed." The boy was silent for awhile before uttering: "Daddy's a big sissy."

[Sergevna]

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his
dad: ‘Why is he whispering in her mouth?’

[Sergevna]

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. ‘I love you so
much that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom
window.’

[Sergevna]

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked: ‘Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and
one for cold milk?’

[Sergevna]

A blonde, who had just dyed her hair, went to the hospital because her whole body hurt. She told the doctor that where ever she touched herself it would hurt. The doctor told her to demonstrate.

She touched her nose and it hurt. She touched her stomach and it hurt. The doctor asked her if she was a blonde and she said yes. “Look Here Lady, your finger is broken!”