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Сообщения - Sergevna

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1
Английский язык / Re: Short texts for reading
« : 12 февраля 2016, 19:51:21 »
The Suicides

An American, A Frenchman and a Korean were working on a skyscraper being built in Seoul. They
worked hard all morning. When it was lunch, they took the elevator up to the top of the very high
building and sat on the edge eating their lunches.
The American opened his lunch box and said, “Damn! Peanut butter and jam sandwiches again! If I
get peanut butter and jam again, I’m gonna jump off this building.”
The Frenchman opened up his lunch. “Mon Dieu! Cheese sandwiches again! If I get cheese
sandwiches again, I’m gonna jump off this building.”
The Korean opened up his lunch box. “Shxxxxx! Kimchee. If I get kimchee again for lunch, I’m
going to jump off this building.”
The next day, the 3 men did the same thing. They worked hard all morning and then went up to the
top of the building, sat on the edge and began to eat lunch.
The Korean looked in his lunch box first. “Shexxxx! Kimchee!” He stood up and jumped off the
building.
The American looked in his lunch box. “Damn! Peanut butter and jam!” He stood up and jumped off
the building.
The Frenchman looked in his lunch box. “Merde! Cheese sandwiches!” He stood up and jumped off
the building.
The next day, the newspapers were full of stories about the 3 construction workers who killed
themselves. Everyone wondered why? Even the police had no answers.
A few days later at the funeral for the men, the 3 wives were talking. The Korean’s wife said, “I don’t
understand. He loved kimchee and always asked me for it.”The American’s wife said, “I don’t
understand either.
He loved peanut butter since he was a young boy.” The Frenchman’s wife said, “I don’t understand
either.
HE MADE HIS OWN LUNCH EVERYDAY!

2
Английский язык / Re: Short texts for reading
« : 08 февраля 2016, 20:39:11 »
The Architect

One Sunday, an architect visited Seoul, Korea. He was there for a conference but had all
Sunday to explore the city. He decided to take a taxi around the city and see lots of sites.
He paid the taxi driver $100 and said, “Take me around Seoul and show me all the sites”
The taxi driver was very happy for the business and started driving. Immediately, they saw a
big, beautiful palace.
The architect said in a loud voice (for he was from Texas). “What is the building?”
The taxi driver said, “That is Gyeongbokgung. It took almost 20 years to build!
“Ah, that’s nothing” replied the American. “We could build that in a year in America.
The driver continued driving. Suddenly the Texan saw a large domed building. He asked,
“What building is that?” The taxi driver said, “That is the National Assembly, it is the largest
in Asia.”
The architect replied, “Ah, that’s nothing. Back home, we could build that in a few weeks!”
The taxi driver continued driving. They passed a very high, gold building which shimmered
in the sun. The architect jumped up in his seat and screamed, “Oh my god! What building is
that?”
The taxi driver looked back at him and shook his head.
He said, “I DON’T KNOW. IT WASN’T THERE THIS MORNING!”

3
Английский язык / Re: Short texts for reading
« : 08 февраля 2016, 20:38:28 »
The Salesman

Henry Leech was a salesman. He was a good salesman and sold lots of vacuum cleaners. One
week, the manager sent Henry into the countryside to sell.
He drove out of town and stopped at a farmhouse. He knocked on the door and the farmer’s
wife opened it. Henry started into his speech immediately.
“Mam, how much time do you spend sweeping the floors? “
“A lot of time. This is a farm and things get dirty quickly.” said the woman.
“And how much time do you spend beating the carpets?” asked Henry.
“A lot of time. This house gets dusty and my dog also lays on them”
“Well” said Henry, “This is your lucky day.”
Henry showed her his vacuum cleaner and said,
“You can clean the house in 5 minutes with this!”
The farmer’s wife didn’t look interested.
Henry took out a big bag of dirt. He opened it and threw it all over the floor. The farmer’s
wife was very surprised. Before she could speak Henry said, “ Mam, if this machine doesn’t
pick up every last piece of dirt, I will eat all of it!!!!!”
The farmer’s wife looked at Henry and said,
“WELL, I WILL GET YOU A SPOON.
WE HAVE NO ELECTRICITY.”

4
Английский язык / Re: Short texts for reading
« : 08 февраля 2016, 20:37:45 »
The Genie

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a German were travelling in a boat from France to
Australia. Unfortunately, the boat sank but the three men swam to a small island.
There was nobody on the island and the men waited for two months. No boat came to rescue
them. They were very unhappy.
“We will have to live here forever.” said the Englishman
“ We will have to eat bananas every day.” said the German
“We will never see our families again.” said the Frenchman.
One day, while walking along the beach, they found a bottle. They opened the bottle and out
came a genie. The genie said, “Thank you for letting me out of the bottle. I was inside for
500 years! Now I am free. I will give you each one wish.”
The German said, “I want to be back in German at a soccer game. With a beer and sausage
and singing songs in the stadium.”
“POOF”, “Your wish is granted” said the genie. The German was back in Germany.
The Frenchman said, “I want to be at the dinner table with my family in France, eating
cheese, drinking wine.”
“POOF”, “Your wish is granted” said the genie. The Frenchman was back in France.
The Englishman just looked at the genie. The genie said, “Hurry up! I want to enjoy my
freedom.”
The Englishman thought for a moment and said, “I am rather lonely here. Can you bring back
my two friends?”
“Poof”, the German and the Frenchman were back on theisland.

5
Английский язык / Re: Short texts for reading
« : 22 января 2016, 18:46:45 »
The Genie
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a German were travelling in a boat from France to
Australia. Unfortunately, the boat sank but the three men swam to a small island.
There was nobody on the island and the men waited for two months. No boat came to rescue
them. They were very unhappy.
“We will have to live here forever.” said the Englishman
“ We will have to eat bananas every day.” said the German
“We will never see our families again.” said the Frenchman.
One day, while walking along the beach, they found a bottle. They opened the bottle and out
came a genie. The genie said, “Thank you for letting me out of the bottle. I was inside for
500 years! Now I am free. I will give you each one wish.”
The German said, “I want to be back in German at a soccer game. With a beer and sausage
and singing songs in the stadium.”
“POOF”, “Your wish is granted” said the genie. The German was back in Germany.
The Frenchman said, “I want to be at the dinner table with my family in France, eating
cheese, drinking wine.”
“POOF”, “Your wish is granted” said the genie. The Frenchman was back in France.
The Englishman just looked at the genie. The genie said, “Hurry up! I want to enjoy my
freedom.”
The Englishman thought for a moment and said, “I am rather lonely here. Can you bring back
my two friends?”
“Poof”, the German and the Frenchman were back on the island.

6
Английский язык / Re: Short texts for reading
« : 18 января 2016, 20:40:13 »
The Salesman
Henry Leech was a salesman. He was a good salesman and sold lots of vacuum cleaners. One
week, the manager sent Henry into the countryside to sell.
He drove out of town and stopped at a farmhouse. He knocked on the door and the farmer’s
wife opened it. Henry started into his speech immediately.
“Mam, how much time do you spend sweeping the floors? “
“A lot of time. This is a farm and things get dirty quickly.” said the woman.
“And how much time do you spend beating the carpets?” asked Henry.
“A lot of time. This house gets dusty and my dog also lays on them”
“Well” said Henry, “This is your lucky day.”
Henry showed her his vacuum cleaner and said,
“You can clean the house in 5 minutes with this!”
The farmer’s wife didn’t look interested.
Henry took out a big bag of dirt. He opened it and threw it all over the floor. The farmer’s
wife was very surprised. Before she could speak Henry said, “ Mam, if this machine doesn’t
pick up every last piece of dirt, I will eat all of it!!!!!”
The farmer’s wife looked at Henry and said,
“WELL, I WILL GET YOU A SPOON.
WE HAVE NO ELECTRICITY.”

7
Английский язык / Re: Short texts for reading
« : 18 января 2016, 20:29:11 »
IT’S THE BUTCHER!
An old woman was lonely. She decided to get a pet. She didn’t have much money so she
went to a second hand pet shop.
She saw many animals: a three legged cat, a dog without a tail, fish that could only swim
backwards and a beautiful bird that could only say one thing, “Who is it?”. She decided to
buy the bird. She bought a cage for her bird and went home. She put the bird by the door and
went downtown to do some shopping.
While she was gone, a man knocked on the door.
“Who is it?” replied the parrot.
“It’s the butcher,” he said.
“Who is it?”, repeated the bird.
“It’s the butcher,” said the man.
“Who is it?” asked the parrot.
“It’s the butcher!!,”, said the man angrily.
“Who is it?” “It’s the butcher!!!!”, he screamed.
“Who is it?” “It’s the butcher, the butcher, the butch...”
Suddenly the butcher fell to the floor. He had had a heart attack.
Later that day, the old woman came home and found the man laying on her doorstep. She
opened her door and asked the parrot, “Who is it?” . The parrot replied,
“It’s the butcher!”

8
A group of children is playing outdoors.
"I have a sister and each of us has her own room," one girl says.
"I have two sisters and one brother, and each of us has a bike," a boy brags.
"Well, there are eight children in my family," another girl says, "and each one of us has his or her own father!"

9
 I can not sleep well because of this global financial crisis!
- Well, I sleep like a baby!
- Really???
- Yes, I wake up each hour and cry!

10
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

11
Big FrankBig Frank - Funny Story

Big Frank was having his hair styled at the hairdresser's when a lorry smashed into a car, outside. Draped in a cape, his hair divided with aluminium clips, Frank, an ex-paratrooper corporal raced out to the car and found the driver unhurt.

The lorry driver, however, was slumped over the wheel, unconscious. Big Frank lost no time in applying his army acquired CPR techniques, including mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. The lorry driver recovered consciousness several times, but kept passing out again.

Soon the ambulance arrived with the paramedics and took over, and Frank returned to his barber's seat. 'I just don't understand why he kept passing out,' he said to the hairdresser. 'I did everything they taught me.'

'Well, put yourself in the lorry driver's place, 'said the hairdresser. 'He's driving down the street without a care in the world. The next thing he knows, he's waking up to see some big guy in a green cape with a head full of wires pounding on his chest and kissing him. You'd pass out too'

 

12
Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have:  Barbie Divorced

Work Out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Ballerina Barbie for $19.95
 and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs and answers: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends and a key chain made with Ken's private parts."

13
Английский язык / Re: Short texts for reading
« : 08 ноября 2015, 14:43:40 »
A Dish of Ice Cream

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.

“How much is an ice cream sundae?”

“50 cents,” replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied a number of coins in it.

“How much is a dish of plain ice cream?” he inquired. Some people were now waiting for a table and the waitress was a bit impatient.

“35 cents,” she said brusquely.

The little boy again counted the coins. “I’ll have the plain ice cream,” he said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and departed.

When the waitress came back, she began wiping down the table and then swallowed hard at what she saw.

There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were 15 cents – her tip.

14
Английский язык / Re: Short texts for reading
« : 08 ноября 2015, 14:41:59 »
Potatoes, Eggs, and Coffee Beans

Once upon a time a daughter complained to her father that her life was miserable and that she didn’t know how she was going to make it. She was tired of fighting and struggling all the time. It seemed just as one problem was solved, another one soon followed.

Her father, a chef, took her to the kitchen. He filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Once the three pots began to boil, he placed potatoes in one pot, eggs in the second pot, and ground coffee beans in the third pot.

He then let them sit and boil, without saying a word to his daughter. The daughter, moaned and impatiently waited, wondering what he was doing.

After twenty minutes he turned off the burners. He took the potatoes out of the pot and placed them in a bowl. He pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl.

He then ladled the coffee out and placed it in a cup. Turning to her he asked. “Daughter, what do you see?”

“Potatoes, eggs, and coffee,” she hastily replied.

“Look closer,” he said, “and touch the potatoes.” She did and noted that they were soft. He then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, he asked her to sip the coffee. Its rich aroma brought a smile to her face.

“Father, what does this mean?” she asked.

He then explained that the potatoes, the eggs and coffee beans had each faced the same adversity– the boiling water.

However, each one reacted differently.

The potato went in strong, hard, and unrelenting, but in boiling water, it became soft and weak.

The egg was fragile, with the thin outer shell protecting its liquid interior until it was put in the boiling water. Then the inside of the egg became hard.

However, the ground coffee beans were unique. After they were exposed to the boiling water, they changed the water and created something new.

“Which are you,” he asked his daughter. “When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a potato, an egg, or a coffee bean? “

Moral:In life, things happen around us, things happen to us, but the only thing that truly matters is what happens within us.

Which one are you?

15
Английский язык / Re: Short texts for reading
« : 08 ноября 2015, 14:39:16 »
Everyone Has a Story in Life

A 24 year old boy seeing out from the train’s window shouted…

“Dad, look the trees are going behind!”

Dad smiled and a young couple sitting nearby, looked at the 24 year old’s childish behavior with pity, suddenly he again exclaimed…

“Dad, look the clouds are running with us!”

The couple couldn’t resist and said to the old man…

“Why don’t you take your son to a good doctor?”The old man smiled and said…“I did and we are just coming from the hospital, my son was blind from birth, he just got his eyes today.

Every single person on the planet has a story. Don’t judge people before you truly know them. The truth might surprise you.

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