Русские шутки на английском

[Sergevna]

Doctor says to a patient who was waking up from anesthesia after surgery:
- The surgery was very successful,but before it you were behaving unacceptable:you were shouting,trying to hit doctors,trying to escape….
- Of course,I came to the hospital just to visit my wife.

[Sergevna]

Old woman comes to a doctor for a check up:
- It`s amazing what progress we have in medicine now!!! 40 years ago,when I was 30,at the check up doctor always asked to undress. Now to see how healthy I am it`s enough just to show the tongue.

[Sergevna]

Doctor asks patient:
- How are you feeling?
- Much better!!! I got used to cough already.

[Sergevna]

BROKE LEG IN TWO PLACES
- Doctor I broke leg in two places!!!
- Do you remember those places?
- Yes,of course!!!
– Don`t go there anymore.

[Sergevna]

ALL MONEY IN THE BANK
Burglar broke into the house,and threatening woman with a knife,screamed:
- Tell me where is the money,or I`ll kill you right now!!!
- If I`ll tell you where is the money,you are not going to kill me? – trembling with fear woman asked.
- No,I won`t!
- Swear!
- I swear!
- I have all my money in the bank…

[Sergevna]

WAKE ME UP
One guy wakes up in the middle of the night and see that a burglar is looking in his cabinets.
– What are you looking for?!
– Money,- burglar responds.
– Hm…. Wake me up,if you find some.

[Sergevna]

ROBBER WITH A BAD VISION
Robber breaks into a bank and screaming:
- Everybody put your hands up and don`t move!!!
After a minute he plaintively asks:
- Did everybody put their hands up? I can`t see without my glasses.

[Sergevna]

BREAK A HUNDRED DOLLARS
Two guys meet in a middle of the night on a dark street.
One of them takes knife out of his pocket and tell to the other guy:
- Give me your money.
The other guy takes out of his pocket a gun,and asks:
- Why?
First guy:
- I just wanted to break a hundred dollars.

[Sergevna]

WHEN CAN I WORK ?
Judge asks thief:
- How dare you to break into the house that night?
- But,your honor,last time you complained that I did it daytime!!! When can I work,then?

[Sergevna]

One day boss came to the office and complained to his co-workers that he has a terrible headache.
One of the co-workers said:
- Couple of days ago I also had crazy headache.My wife put me to bed,hugged me,kissed me….. And in one hour I had no headache!!!
- I tried everything possible to feel better,nothing helped, – moaned boss and put his coat on, – is your wife home now?

[Sergevna]

Boss asking his worker:
– Why you didn`t come to work yesterday?
– I did come,boss,but it was nobody here already.

[Sergevna]

SMELLS SO BAD IN HERE

Boss walks into the office and asks:
- Why it smells so bad in here?
One of the workers responds:
- We don`t know,it smelled good before you came.

[Sergevna]

GET MY POSITION

The midst of recession. Everywhere are layoffs,pay cuts. One guy says to his boss :

– I know why you always complaining at my work. You want to fire me,so when they cut your position you get mine.

[Sergevna]

Boss – this is a man who always comes to work early when you are late and he always late, if you come to work earlier.

[Sergevna]

 Boss says to his new young secretary :
- Excellent,you did only two mistakes!!! Now write the second word.