Тонкий английский юмор

[born to be wild]

Late one night a robber wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs:
 "Give me your money," he demanded grimly.

Scandalized, the man replied,
 "How dare you, I’m a US Congressman!"
 "Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!"

[born to be wild]

Не на английском, но очень актуальный.

Сидят на лавочке старушки и обсуждают новость — брал губернатор взятки или его "подставили"? Мимо проходит Митяй — бывший зэк: "потерпите бабусеньки, скоро узнаем: если подстава — то посадят; если брал — то выпустят".

[Andrei1]

- What does the Loch Ness monster eat?
- Fish and ships

[Andrei1]

What did Anne Boleyn's mother say when her daughter said that she had fallen in love with Henry the VIII and was going to marry him?
That man's not worth losing your head over.

[Andrei1]

Teacher: Paul. Give me a sentence beginning with "I".
Paul: I is the...
Teacher: No, Paul . You must say "I am" not "I is."
John: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

[born to be wild]

You’ll Get Your Chance In Court
 A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the desk sergeant.
“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

[born to be wild]

A doctor, an engineer, and a politician...

A doctor, an engineer, and a politician were arguing as to which profession was older. "Well," argued the doctor, "without a physician mankind could not have survived, so I am sure that mine is the oldest profession." "No," said the engineer, "before life began there was complete chaos, and it took an engineer to create some semblance of order from this chaos. So engineering is older." "But," chirped the triumphant politician, "who created the chaos?"

[born to be wild]

What marketing is

Now I understand what marketing is:

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You approach her and tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Direct Marketing.

You are at a party with a group of friends and you see a very pretty girl. One of your friends approaches her and tells her: "That guy over there is very good in bed". That is Advertising.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You ask for her phone number. The following day you call her and tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Telemarketing .

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You recognize her, you approach her and refresh her memory by telling her: "Do you remember how good I am in bed?" That is Customer Relationship Management.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You get up, fix your tie, pour her a drink, open the door for her, pick up her bag when it falls and you tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Public Relations.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. She approaches you and tells you: "I heard you are very good in bed". That is BRANDING!!

[born to be wild]

Double vodka

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodka." The barman says "Wow! you must have had one really bad day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife..."

[Mari]

A teacher asks her class: Who is smart here? Put up your hand.    
Then all the boys and girls except Peter raise their hand.    П
Teacher: Peter, why aren’t you raising your hand?    
Peter: Because if I raise my hand then you’ll be all alone

[Mari]

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat.”
Little Johnny replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.”
The man asked, “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?”
Little Johnny answered, “No, he minded his own business!”


candy [ˈkændɪ] - леденец, конфета
bench [bɛntʃ] - скамейка, скамья
mind one's own business - идиома, переводится "заниматься своим делом, не лезть в чужие дела"

[born to be wild]

Whose Dad Makes The Most Money
 Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem and they give him $50.”
The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song and they give him $100.”
The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And, it takes eight people to collect all the money!”

[Марина]

Американец в британском ресторане: "I would like a bloody steak" Официант: "Would you like some fucking potatoes to go with it?"

[born to be wild]

Enemies Are All Around
 It was World War II, and the captain was attempting to rally the GIs on the eve of a big offensive.
“Out there,” said the captain, “is your enemy. The man who has made your life miserable, who is working to destroy you; the man who has been trying to kill you day after day throughout this war.”
Private Johnson jumped to his feet. “My God! The cook’s working for the Germans!”

[born to be wild]

Who Is The Boss?
 The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect.
 Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss.” He then taped it to his office door.
 Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. “Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”