Тонкий английский юмор

[Sergevna]

Where is God?

    A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

    They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

    The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?”

    They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

    The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

    The youngest brother gasped for breath and replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time dude. God is missing and they think WE did it!"

[Sergevna]

You are next

    When I was young I didn't like going to weddings.
    My grandmother would tell me, "You're next"
    However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.

[Sergevna]

Thanksgiving Divorce

    A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

    "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

    Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

    She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

    The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

[Sergevna]

Mother's advice

    Mother to daughter advice:
    Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
    But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

[Sergevna]

Mother Knows Best

    John invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how John and his roommate Julie looked at each other. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this only made her more curious. By the end of the evening she was convinced there was more between them than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Julie and I are just roommates."
    About a week later, Julie went to John saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

    John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure."

    So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, John."

    The next day, John received a response from his mother that read:

    "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

[Sergevna]

Lie-Clocks

    A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

    He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

    St.Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

    "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

    "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

    "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

    St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

    "Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

    "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[Sergevna]

God will provide!

    A young woman brings home her fiancee to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.

    "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

    "I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

    "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

    "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

    "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

    "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

    "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

    "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee.

    The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

    Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

    The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

[Sergevna]

Fred wants to get married!

    Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
    One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
    Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
    His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
    A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
    With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
    The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
    Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

[Sergevna]

Expecting a baby

    For weeks a six-year-old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

    One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

    The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

    Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

[Sergevna]

Blonde at School

    One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, "Hey, Mommy! Mommy! Today in school we learned to count. The other kids could only count to three but I can count to Ten..... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

    The mother responds, "Very good honey." The blonde asks, "Is that because I'm a blonde mommy?" And the mother responds, "Yes dear."

    Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said, "Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! .... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!"

    The mother says, "Very good honey." The blonde then asked. "Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?" The mother responds, "Yes dear."

    The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts. Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?"
    And the mother responds, "No Honey, it's because you're twenty five."

[Spirit of Finland]

Nice jokes! Thank you!

[Sergevna]

You Can Hurry Love

A young man and his pretty bride rush in to see their minister at the church.

"We want to get married, Reverend. Here are all our papers, and these two people are our witnesses. Can you please do a quick ceremony?"

The minister is amused. He marries the two love birds, takes his money but then hesitates and asks, "I know you two are in love, but I would be remiss not to caution you that it is not wise to marry in a hurry. Why are you two in such a rush anyway?"

Rushing his new wife out before him the young man runs into the street shouting over his shoulder "Because we are parked in a 'no standing' zone!"

[Sergevna]

Devoted love on the special Day

Over breakfast one day, a woman asked her husband, "You don't know what day this is do you?"

Feeling that his love for her was being questioned he answered in a huff, "Of course I do! How could you accuse me of forgetting?" With that he kissed her and left for work.

Later that morning, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, a flower delivery guy handed her a box of a dozen beautiful pink roses. Early that afternoon, a silky gift wrapped box of her favorite fancy chocolates were delivered to the house. Later in the afternoon, the local jeweler dropped off a little box with the most beautiful diamond earrings. By early evening, the woman couldn't wait for her husband to get home. As soon as he walked through the door she ran up to him and kissed him full on the lips.

"You wonderful loving man you," she declared. "First the flowers, then the chocolate and then the earrings!" she exclaimed. "If you treat me this wonderfully on World Environment Day, I can't wait to see what you'll do for our anniversary!"

[Sergevna]

A Womans wise ways of showing love

Lenny walks into the bar and finds his friend Jim sitting there, looking very depressed.

"Hey, why the long face Jim? What's going on with you," Lenny asks.

"Oh, it's all my wife's doing," replies Jim sadly. "She's hired a new personal assistant for me."

"Well, I don't see anything wrong with that," Lenny says, "Your wife must really love you to take care of you like that."

"Oh yeah my wife must really love me," says Jim rather unenthusiastically.

"See, I knew it, nothing to worry about. So, is your new assistant blonde or brunette?"

"He's grey haired with a beard!"

[Sergevna]

My Love You Seem So Familiar

An extremely drunk man walks into a bar. He looks around for a while and, after staring at the only woman seated at the bar for some time, stumbles over to her and kisses her full on the lips. Shocked and outraged, she jumps up and slaps him hard. He apologizes immediately and explains, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. I love my wife and you look just like her."

Not convinced of his innocence the woman yells," I don't think you love anyone but yourself, you stupid, useless, crazy, drunk!".

"Wow this is amazing," he hiccups, "You also speak just like her."