Автор Тема: Тонкий английский юмор  (Прочитано 247518 раз)

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Оффлайн Sergevna

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #299 : 26 апреля 2015, 10:05:02 »
At the doctor's
The doctor tells his patient: "Well I have good news and bad news..."

The patient says, "Lay it on me Doc. What's the bad news?"

"You have Alzheimer's disease."

"Good heavens! What's the good news?"

"You can go home and forget about it!"

Оффлайн Sergevna

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #298 : 20 апреля 2015, 15:52:56 »
NOTHING CAN STOP ME
A naval cadet wrote to his sweetheart:
"For your sake I’m ready for any exploit! I can swim across the Pacific, brave a part of shark, walk to you under water for miles and miles!"
All that sounded convincing. Then he added:
"Neither storm or hurricane can stop me!"
P.S: ‘I will come to see you on Saturday if it does not rain'

Оффлайн Sergevna

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #297 : 20 апреля 2015, 15:50:37 »
LET THEM BURGLE!

Mrs. Smith was fond of reminding her husband that the silver was hers, the piano and the furniture was her. In the middle of the night she was awoke by noises downstairs. She shook her husband: ”Henry,” she whispered. ”Get up. There are burglars downstairs.”
“Burglars,” said Mr. Smith. ”Well, let them burgle! There is nothing of mine down there!”

Оффлайн Sergevna

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #296 : 20 апреля 2015, 15:47:35 »
A BIG DECISION
A six-year-old boy walked up to his father one day and announced, 'Daddy, I'd like to get married.'
His father replied hesitantly, 'Sure, son, do you have anyone special in mind?'
'Yes,' answered the boy. 'I want to marry Grandma.'
'Now, wait a minute,' said his father. 'You don't think I'd let you get married with my mother, do you?'
'Why not?' the boy asked. 'You married mine.'

Оффлайн Mari

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #295 : 16 апреля 2015, 22:22:34 »

the котик

Оффлайн Sergevna

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #294 : 16 апреля 2015, 16:45:18 »
A man entered a cool bar and ordered a milk shake, but suddenly he got a telephone call. So before attending call he took a napkin and wrote, “The World’s Strongest Weightlifter,” and left it under his glass to make sure nobody drinks his milk shake.
But he was shocked when he returned, the glass was empty. Now at spot of old napkin there was a new napkin with new writing that said:
“Thanks for the treat!”
“The World’s Fastest Runner”

Оффлайн Sergevna

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #293 : 16 апреля 2015, 16:43:29 »
A woman went to a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
Women: "It`s for my husband.
Shopkeeper: "Did he tell you what type should buy?"
Women: "Are you kidding?”,"He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him today!"

Оффлайн Sergevna

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #292 : 16 апреля 2015, 16:41:52 »
Teacher to Danny: Danny, why you are not writing?
Danny: Ma’am, I don’t has a pen
Teacher: Danny, you said a wrong sentence. The correct form is I don’t have a pen, he doesn’t have a pen and we don’t have a pen.
Danny: oh Ma’am! Who stole all the pens then?!

Оффлайн Sergevna

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #291 : 16 апреля 2015, 16:34:52 »
Missing Baggage
Rosy just get off the flight and reached the baggage area to collect her luggage. She was a month’s tour to Europe and just returned home. She was very tensed as she could not find her luggage, where she had all the things shopped in the Europe. The tensed Rosy approached the baggage in-charge and informed that she arrived from France and she could not find her baggage in the carousel. The in-charge smiled and ask Rosy to stay calm. She informed Rosy that they were professionals with expert training and they would find her luggage and hand over it to her.
Rosy was relaxed. The officer in-charge asked her about the color, number of bags, brand etc. Rosy replied.
Finally, the officer in-charge asked her ‘Has your flight arrived?’ Rosy Fainted.

Оффлайн Sergevna

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #290 : 16 апреля 2015, 16:32:17 »
Jennifer was taking an afternoon sleep on New Year’s Eve prior to celebrations. When she woke up, she said George, her husband, that “dear, I dreamt that you have gifted me a diamond ring as a New year present. What does it all means?”
George simply smiled and answered “wait dear, you will come to know tonight”.
At midnight, when the New Year was chiming, George gifted her with a small package. Jennifer excitedly opened the package quickly and she found a book named “Dreams and the meaning of dreams”!!

Оффлайн Sergevna

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #289 : 16 апреля 2015, 16:27:11 »
Four women living in the neighborhood were invited to a party. They were discussing about the dress they would wear for the party. They finally decided to choose the color that matches with the hair color of their husband.
The first woman told, ‘I will go with red as my husband colored his hair red’
The second woman said, ‘I always prefer black as my husband’s hair color is naturally black!’
The third woman told, ‘Yeah, then I do prefer to go with yellow dress as he has blonde hair!’ (yellow)
The fourth woman was quiet. All the other insisted her about her preferred color.
She said, ‘I was thinking a lot but can’t choose any color, I can’t wear any dress because my husband is bald!’

Оффлайн Sergevna

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #288 : 16 апреля 2015, 16:25:31 »
During a cold winter day a wife messaged to her husband that “the Windows frozen”.
Husband replied to pour some warm water on them.
After a while husband received a message again “No way, the computer is completely spoilt now”.!

Оффлайн Sergevna

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #287 : 16 апреля 2015, 16:24:25 »
Station Master and a Lady Passenger
A lady was running to catch a train to Bangalore. She reached the station and was searching for the train.
Passenger: (Asked to the station master) Sir, is this my train?
Station Master: No Madam, this is not your train, it’s railways department’s train.
Passenger: (Annoyed) That’s a good joke. Don’t act too smart. What I meant was, can I take this train to Bangalore?
Station Master: No ma’am, you cannot! This train is so BIG and you can’t take it.
Passenger: Its really funny! Now say me, will this train take me to Bangalore?
Station Master: NO ma’am. The train can’t take you. The train driver will drive it to Bangalore!

The passenger fainted!

Оффлайн Sergevna

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #286 : 10 апреля 2015, 14:04:36 »
An American lawyer invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him in his mountain cabin. Early in the morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they were picking blueberries, along came two big Bears - a male and a female.

The lawyer, seeing the two bears, climbed a tree.

His friend wasn't so lucky and the male bear caught him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer drove his car to town as fast has he could to get a policeman. The policeman took his gun and ran to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" said the lawyer, pointing to the male.

The policeman looked at the bears, took careful aim with his gun, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

"What did you do that for!" shouted the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"

"Exactly," answered the policeman. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"

Оффлайн Sergevna

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #285 : 10 апреля 2015, 14:01:15 »
One Saturday afternoon the grasshopper, the snail, and the centipede were sitting around the grasshopper's house drinking beer.

They ran out of beer before they were ready to quit drinking, so they decided one of them should go out for more beer.

The snail said, "I'd go, but I'm kind of slow. Besides, Grasshopper, this is your neighborhood so you know where to go."

The grasshopper said, "I don't mind going, but my hopping will shake up the beer and we'll get sprayed every time we open one."

So they decided to send the centipede; and the grasshopper explained how to get to the nearest liquor store.

An hour or so passed and still the centipede hadn't returned, so the snail and the grasshopper decided to go look for him.

They got as far as the front door and found the centipede sitting there putting on his shoes.

 
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