Тонкий английский юмор

[born to be wild]

School Question
 Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
 Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."
 Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"
 Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"

[born to be wild]

Honeymoon is over

Henry and Olivia got married and left for* their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said the mother, "how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic…" Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Henry started using the most horrible language — things I’ve never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come and take me home ...PLEASE MAMA!"

"Olivia, darling," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words are you talking about?" "Please don’t make me tell you, mama", wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed — they’re just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said,
 "Oh, mama ...words like: Dust, Wash, Cook, Iron..."

[born to be wild]

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first.

She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birthprocess, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question.

The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

[born to be wild]

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

[born to be wild]

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, «You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes? » — «Why? «- Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.»

[born to be wild]

The Fastest Father
 Three boys are at school bragging of how great their fathers are.
 The first one says, “Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow.”
The second one says, “Ha! You think that’s fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet.”
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: “You two know nothing about being fast. My father works for the city. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!”

[born to be wild]

How do men sort their laundry?

"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

[Sergevna]

A group of children is playing outdoors.
"I have a sister and each of us has her own room," one girl says.
"I have two sisters and one brother, and each of us has a bike," a boy brags.
"Well, there are eight children in my family," another girl says, "and each one of us has his or her own father!"

[Sergevna]

 I can not sleep well because of this global financial crisis!
- Well, I sleep like a baby!
- Really???
- Yes, I wake up each hour and cry!

[Sergevna]

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

[Sergevna]

Big FrankBig Frank - Funny Story

Big Frank was having his hair styled at the hairdresser's when a lorry smashed into a car, outside. Draped in a cape, his hair divided with aluminium clips, Frank, an ex-paratrooper corporal raced out to the car and found the driver unhurt.

The lorry driver, however, was slumped over the wheel, unconscious. Big Frank lost no time in applying his army acquired CPR techniques, including mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. The lorry driver recovered consciousness several times, but kept passing out again.

Soon the ambulance arrived with the paramedics and took over, and Frank returned to his barber's seat. 'I just don't understand why he kept passing out,' he said to the hairdresser. 'I did everything they taught me.'

'Well, put yourself in the lorry driver's place, 'said the hairdresser. 'He's driving down the street without a care in the world. The next thing he knows, he's waking up to see some big guy in a green cape with a head full of wires pounding on his chest and kissing him. You'd pass out too'

 

[Sergevna]

Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have:  Barbie Divorced

Work Out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Ballerina Barbie for $19.95
 and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs and answers: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends and a key chain made with Ken's private parts."

[Sergevna]

Bra sizes

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F and G are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for... It is about time you became informed!

{A} - Almost Boobs... {B} - Barely there. {C} - Can't Complain! {D} - Damn! {DD} - Double damn! {E} - Enormous! {G} - GEEEEzus Christ! {F} - Fake.

[Sergevna]

The Barber Shop

This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

[Sergevna]

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: "Da-ad..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..." "WHAT??!!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"