Автор Тема: Тонкий английский юмор  (Прочитано 247478 раз)

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Оффлайн Sergevna

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #284 : 10 апреля 2015, 13:59:53 »
A man goes out of prison after twenty years. He decides to go back to the neighborhood where he lived. When he gets there he cannot recognize the place. Everything has changed a lot. The places he used to visit have all disappeared. Even the pub has disappeared. He is very tired and would like to have something to eat. He goes into a small cafe? and has a coffee and a sandwich. When he takes out his wallet he finds a shoemaker ticket in it. He then remembers that the last thing he had done before being arrested was to take a pair of shoes to the shoemaker's. He decides to go there and try. What a wonderful thing! The shoemaker is still at the same place. He gets into the shop and tells the shoemaker that about twenty years before he had left him a pair of shoes to have them repaired. The shoemaker has a look at the ticket and says: "O.K. Come back tomorrow. They will be ready then." Some things never chang

Оффлайн Sergevna

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #283 : 10 апреля 2015, 13:58:14 »
A preacher was told by his doctor that he had only a few weeks left to live. He went home feeling very sad, and when his wife heard the sad news she said to him, "Honey, if there's anything I can do to make you happy, tell me."

The preacher answered, "You know, dear, there's that box in the kitchen cabinet with what you always called "your little secret" in it and you said you never would want me to open it as long as you lived. Now that I'm about to go home to be with the Lord, why don't you show me what's in that secret box of yours?"

The preacher's wife got out the box and opened the lid. It contained $100,000 and three eggs.

"What are those eggs doing in the box?" the preacher asked.

"Well, Honey," she replied, "every time your sermon was really bad I put an egg in the box."

Now the preacher had been preaching for over forty years, and seeing only three eggs in that old shoe box, he started to feel very proud about himself and it warmed his soul.

"And what about that $100.000?" he asked.

"Oh, you see," she whispered softly, "every time there were a dozen eggs in the box, I... sold them."

Оффлайн Sergevna

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #282 : 10 апреля 2015, 13:56:05 »
Three rich brothers each wanted to do something special for their elderly mother on Mother's Day. The first brother bought her a huge house. The second brother gave her a limousine, with a driver. The third brother remembered that his mother used to love to read the Bible, but couldn't see well anymore, so he got her a specially trained parrot that could recite any verse from the Bible on demand.

Soon, the brothers received thank-you notes from their mother. The first son's note said, "The house you bought me is much too big! I only live in a small part of it, but I have to clean the whole thing!" The second son got a note that said, "I rarely leave the house anymore, so I hardly use the limo you gave me. And when I do use it, the driver is so rude!" The third son's note said, "My darling baby boy, you know just what your mother loves! The chicken was delicious!"

Оффлайн Sergevna

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #281 : 10 апреля 2015, 13:50:25 »
"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy.

"Why not, son?"

"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day."

"But why don't you want to go today?"

"Because our English teacher died yesterday!"

Оффлайн Sergevna

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #280 : 10 апреля 2015, 13:47:22 »
Every day, an ESL teacher was seen coming out of the rest room with a marker, used for writing. In the rest room were expressions and graffiti written on the walls. It was very bad. Finally, the Director of the school called the teacher into the office and told the teacher that it was terrible of him to write those things on the walls. The teacher said that he was not the one writing those things. All that the teacher did was to correct the grammar.

Оффлайн Sergevna

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #279 : 10 апреля 2015, 13:46:38 »
The two beginning ESL students went to Honolulu on holiday. Soon they began to argue about the correct way to pronounce the word "Hawaii." One student insisted that it's Hawaii, with a "w" sound. The other student said it was pronounced like "Havaii," with a "v" sound.

Finally, they saw an old native on the beach, and asked him which was correct. The old man said it's "Havaii." The student who was right was very happy, and thanked the old man.

The old man said "you're velcome."

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #278 : 10 апреля 2015, 13:45:58 »
A man's dog has a problem so he takes him to the vet's. The vet looks at the dog and says that he'll have to take him to the examining room. In the examining room, he takes a cat out of a cage and lets the cat walk all over the dog, but the dog doesn't do anything.

The doctor says "Your dog is dead."

The man goes out to the receptionist and asks for his bill.

"That'll be $325" says the receptionist.

"What! $325? How's that possible?"

"It's $25 for the consultation, and $300 for the Cat scan."

Оффлайн Sergevna

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #277 : 10 апреля 2015, 13:44:54 »
A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.

The bartender says "What can I get you?"

Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?

Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd): No, I'm afraid we don't.

And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar.

The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, hops up on a bar stool.

Bartender: Hi. What can I get for you?

Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?

Bartender (a little annoyed): Hey! Weren't you in here yesterday? Look buddy, we don't have any grapes. OK?

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door.

The next day, at the same time, the bartender is cleaning some glasses when he hears a familiar voice.

Duck: Umm... Do you have any grapes?

The bartender is really ticked off.

Bartender: Look. What's your problem? You came in here yesterday asking for grapes, I TOLD you, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES!! Next time I see your little ducktail waddle in here I'm going to nail those little webbed feet of yours to the floor. GOT me pal?

And the duck hops off the bar stool and waddles out.

The NEXT day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, walks up to the bartender and the bartender says, "What the heck do YOU want?"

Umm… do you have any nails?

What!? OF course not.

Oh. Well, do you have any grapes?

Оффлайн Sergevna

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #276 : 10 апреля 2015, 13:43:02 »
A man got a parrot which could already talk. It had belonged to a sailor and had a big vocabulary. However, the man soon discovered that the parrot mostly know bad words. At first he thought it was funny, but then it became tiresome, and finally, when the man had important guests, the bird's bad words embarrassed him very much.

As soon as the guests left, the man angrily shouted at the parrot, "That language must stop!" But the bird answered him with curses. He shook the bird and shouted again, "Don't use those ugly words!" Again the bird cursed him.

Now the man was really angry. He grabbed the parrot and threw him into the refrigerator. But it had no effect. From inside the refrigerator, the parrot was still swearing. He opened the door and took him out, and again the bird spoke in dirty words and curses. This time, the man opened the door of the freezer, threw the bird into it, and closed the door.

This time there was silence. After two minutes, the man opened the door and removed the very cold parrot. Slowly the shivering parrot walked up the man's arm, sat on his shoulder and spoke into his ear, sounding very frightened:

"I'll be good; I promise...Those chickens in there... what did they say?"

Оффлайн Sergevna

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #275 : 10 апреля 2015, 13:41:05 »
James was walking down the road one morning when he met his friend Danny.

"Morning, Danny. Err... Danny, you're wearing a glove on one hand and none on the other. Did you know?"

"Yes, well I heard the weather forecast this morning, you see."

"The Weather forecast?"

"Yes, the weather forecast. The forecaster said on the one hand it might be fine but on the other hand there might be some rain."

Оффлайн Sergevna

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #274 : 10 апреля 2015, 13:40:21 »
A woman got on a bus, holding a baby.

The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #273 : 10 апреля 2015, 13:36:45 »
There were three restaurants on the same block. One day one of them put up a sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the City."

The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the World."

On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said "The Best Restaurant on this Block."

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #272 : 10 апреля 2015, 13:36:03 »
A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.

He asks the shopkeeper "Does your dog bite?"

The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."

The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.

"Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"

The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog!"

Оффлайн Sergevna

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #271 : 09 апреля 2015, 13:15:53 »
Low self-esteem

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #270 : 09 апреля 2015, 13:10:38 »
Loud, mad, or sad

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

 
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