Тонкий английский юмор

[croc954]

Mid 1980s. Moscow. Winter. Bitter cold. A long line of people to buy vodka. The line is so long you cannot see the end of it. Two guys are waiting in the line and talking to each other.

- You have to wait in lines for bloody ever to buy virtually everything!!! I am so sick of all that!!! I am gonna go and kill Gorbachev for that!!!

... and he goes away. Half an hour later he is back, the line is still there and barely moving. The other guy:

- Did you kill him?
- No.
- Why not?
- The line to kill him is even longer.

Интересная история, связанная с этим анекдотом. Рассказывает переводчик Рейгана:

Когда Горбачев был с визитом в Вашингтоне, в Советском посольстве был устроен ответный прием. Рейган сидел рядом с Горбачевым. Но в какой-то момент Горбачев разговаривал с Нэнси — женой Рейгана — она сидела по другую сторону от него, а Рейган остался без собеседника. Я был рядом и рассказал Рейгану анекдот, который тогда бытовал о Горбачеве. Рейган вообще любил анекдоты.

Анекдот такой. Все знают, что Горбачев старался сократить потребление алкоголя в СССР. И вот, значит, стоит длинная очередь за алкоголем в Москве, и, одному человеку в этой очереди стало невмоготу: «Ну, этот Горбачев! Пойду убью его!». Через какое-то время человек опять возвращается в очередь, и сосед его спрашивает: «Ну как, убил? — да нет — отвечает он — там очередь еще длинней». Рейган очень смеялся. Однако в будущем, как мне кажется, было некоторое продолжение этой ситуации... при последней встрече Горбачева и Рейгана в Москве.

На последней встрече, на даче Горбачева в Москве, собралась небольшая группа: Рейган с женой, Шульц (госсекретарь) с женой. С советской стороны — Горбачев и Шеварднадзе тоже с супругами. Ну, и переводчики. В застолье Рейган, как всегда, любил слушать анекдоты. Горбачев говорит: «Знаете, когда я был в Вашингтоне, я слышал такой анекдот: «Стоит длинная очередь за алкоголем…». Но тут его обрывает Раиса: «Нет-нет, этот рассказывать не нужно...». А я в тот момент подумал: «Ой-ой». Может быть, когда мы сидели на приеме в советском посольстве, под столом был микрофон, и Горбачевым прокрутили запись анекдота в моем исполнении?

[croc954]

one of my favourite jokes...


Only one Soviet family out of ten owned a vehicle. To get one, one had to go through quite a procedure, collecting a whole bunch of papers and putting up some money in advance. On top of that you had to wait for 10 years on average for the vehicle to be delivered. Actually, almost all services in the Soviet Union were state sponsored, and besides their poor quality people often had to wait for a very long time before a service was rendered (be it repair, plumbing etc.).

So, one fellow who decided to buy a car went through that whole bureaucratic procedure, collected the required paperwork and was told by a guy behind the counter at a car dealership:

- O'K, I have all your paperwork. Come back in ten years to get your car.
- Morning or afternoon?
- It's ten years from  now. What difference does it make?
- Plumber is coming in the morning!

[croc954]

there goes another one from Reagan...


Mid 1980s. Moscow. Winter. Bitter cold. A long line of people to buy vodka. The line is so long you cannot see the end of it. Two guys are waiting in the line and talking to each other.

- You have to wait in lines for bloody ever to buy virtually everything!!! I am so sick of all that!!! I am gonna go and kill Gorbachev for that!!!

... and he goes away. Half an hour later he is back, the line is still there and barely moving. The other guy:

- Did you kill him?
- No.
- Why not?
- The line to kill him is even longer.

[croc954]

continuing with Reagan's jokes...


One day a Moscow Police decree came out stating that anyone caught speeding would be fined. Anyone! No matter who...

One morning Gorbachev was at his dacha. He was running late to the Kremlin and he told his driver to get on the back seat - he would drive to avoid being fined if caught. So, the driver got on the back seat, Gorvachev got on the driver's seat. And down the road they went.

Speeding, they soon passed two motocycle cops. One cop got on his bike and took right after them. Soon enough he was back with his buddy who asked him if he had given them a fine. He said, "No!".
     - Why not?!
     - I could not. He was too important!
     - What do you mean? We ARE supposed to fine anyone caught speeding no matter who!!! You bastard!!!  Tell me who
     that was!!!
     - I did not recognize him. But his driver was Gorbachev.

[croc954]

not exactly English humor.... it's more American. But still worth your attention and laugh.

Those who remember rough 1980s in world politics, probably also remember Ronald Reagan, the 40th US president. He was a highly charismatic leader. His charisma might have been attributed to his career of a Hollywood actor back in 50s - 60s (before he came to politics).

Reagan was known for his quite unusual hobby of collecting Russian jokes that he believed were made up by Russian people themselves and revealed not only a great sense of humor in Russian people, but also quite a cynical attitude of Russians toward the Soviet system (in his own words). The context of his jokes was the same: some facts of life in the late Soviet Union like long lines to buy virtually everything, lack (or even absence) of openness (glasnost') when people were discouraged (or outright prohibited) to speak up their mind out of fear of being punished had they said something not exactly in line with the official agenda.

Anyway... In my favourite joke from Ronald Reagan he derides (ridicules) the absence of glasnost' in the USSR. Here is the joke.


Three dogs: an Americal dog, a Polish dog and a Russian dog got together and were having a conversation about life in their respective countries.
An American dog: "When I get hungry, I start barking and I bark long enough before someone comes along and gives me meat".
A Polish dog: "What's "meat"?"
A Russian dog: "What's "bark"?"

[Devi]

Someone asked me if I'm a catholic. I said yes, I've been addicted to cats my entire life.

[Devi]

EVERYONE:
I'm hungry, mom!

SHAKESPEARE:
Let it be known to thy birthgiver that my stomach consists of emptiness

[Sergey S]

Why don’t you ever see penguins in the UK? Because they’re afraid of Wales!

[Sergey S]

Why don't skeletons fight each other?

Because they don't have the guts!

[Sergey S]

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field!

[Sergey S]

Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

[Indy]

5 short jokes about professions

Why did the soccer player take so long to eat dinner?
Because he thought he couldn’t use his hands.

Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano!

What did the policeman say to his hungry stomach?
“Freeze. You’re under a vest.”

How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.

What’s a private investigator’s favorite shoe?
Sneak-ers.

[Indy]

5 short jokes about nature

What does a storm cloud wear under its raincoat?
Thunderwear.

How does an ocean say "Hi"?
It waves!

Name the kind of tree you can hold in your hand?
A palm tree!

What has ears but cannot hear?
A cornfield.

What did the lava say to her friend?
“I lava you!”

[Indy]

5 short jokes about school

Why did the dog do so well in school?
It was the teacher’s pet.

Why are fish so smart?
They live at school.

Why do magicians do so well in school?
They are good at trick questions.

What do you need to go to high school?
A ladder.

Why did the kid swallow his homework?
Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.

[Indy]

5 short jokes about animals

What do you call an ant who fights crime? A vigilANTe!

Why are snails slow? Because they’re carrying a house on their back.

What’s the smartest insect? A spelling bee!

What do birds give out on Halloween? Tweets.

What’s a cat’s favorite dessert? A bowl full of mice-cream.