Тонкий английский юмор

[Ann]

     Poor fellow doesn't know how much a tongue can actually tell

     About the tongue which can tell much. Oh, yes! It can. And there is no stopping it nowadays! Is there any way out?

[DAS]

   
     "Are you feeling very ill?" asks the physician. "Let me see your tongue, please."
     "It's no use, doctor. No tongue can tell you how ill I feel."
   

     Poor fellow doesn't know how much a tongue can actually tell

[Ann]

   
     "Are you feeling very ill?" asks the physician. "Let me see your tongue, please."
     "It's no use, doctor. No tongue can tell you how ill I feel."
     

[DAS]

Greatness and Likeness

     A film producer was visiting the studio where a historical film was being shot.
     " And what part that little fellow play?" he asked.
     "He plays Napoleon," explained the film director.
     "And why do we have so small a man to play such an important big part?"
   

According to a popular belief, Napoleon was rather short. However, compared to his country fellowmen he wasn't all that short for those times

[Ann]

Greatness and Likeness

     A film producer was visiting the studio where a historical film was being shot.
     " And what part that little fellow play?" he asked.
     "He plays Napoleon," explained the film director.
     "And why do we have so small a man to play such an important big part?"
     

[DAS]

Young Danny, fooling in his father's den, succeeded in swallowing a shotgun shell. His mother rushed to the doctor.

THe doctor said: "I won't be able to operate until Friday. Keep the boy from jumping around too much and don't point him at anybody."

[DAS]

Patient: "I'm glad I attended you lectures on insomnia, doctor!"

Doctor: "Did you find them interesting?"

Patient: "No, but they cured my insomnia."

[asdfg]

A guessing game

Dad:What did you do at school today?
Peter: We did a guessing game.
Dad: But I thought you were having a math exam.
Peter: That's right!

This joke is dedicated to «ОГЭ, ЕГЭ»

[Ann]

I'm My Own Boss

     I was in a cab today and the cab driver said,
     “I love my job, I’m my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do.”
     Then I said, “Turn Left”.

[DAS]

How can you sleep so much?

I just can't stay idle I need to be doing something all the time!

[DAS]

     Men go shopping to find what they want… Women go shopping to find out what they want.

    And this is absolute truth!

[Ann]

     Men go shopping to find what they want… Women go shopping to find out what they want.

[asdfg]

Hide-and-seek

 

[DAS]

    Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.

Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.

[Ann]

The Ugliest Baby

      A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, “Ugh! That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”
The woman stalks off to the rear of the bus and sits down. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, “The driver has just insulted me!”
     The man says, “You go and give him a telling off. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”