Автор Тема: Тонкий английский юмор  (Прочитано 250539 раз)

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #645 : 10 января 2017, 22:25:12 »
A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #644 : 10 января 2017, 18:36:58 »
Студентка просит у профессора разрешения уйти с лекции. Профессор совершенно серьезно отвечает: I am sure it'll break mу heart, but уоu mау leave. – Я уверен, что это разобьет мне сердце, но вы можете уйти.

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #643 : 08 января 2017, 16:22:57 »
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine."

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #642 : 08 января 2017, 14:31:11 »
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."

And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"


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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #641 : 07 января 2017, 15:35:37 »
The story of someone getting a haircut

Women's version:

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:

Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.



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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #640 : 06 января 2017, 15:53:53 »
My Daily Regimen

My doctor examined my health yesterday  and refused to believe that 
I worked out. So I listed the exercises 
I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, 
push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot 
in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #639 : 06 января 2017, 12:41:37 »
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?

Dentist: $100.00.

Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?

Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.



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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #638 : 05 января 2017, 13:54:50 »
The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.


Оффлайн born to be wild

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #637 : 04 января 2017, 19:29:10 »
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."




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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #636 : 04 января 2017, 19:27:33 »
A teacher was asked to fill out a special questionnaire. One question said, "Give two reasons for entering the teaching profession." The teacher wrote: "July and August."

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #635 : 04 января 2017, 19:08:43 »
    To Born to be Wild.
     
     "I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.
     As usual you have chosen a funny one.

It's pretty hard to find a really funny one, but I try to do my best....

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #634 : 02 января 2017, 21:10:15 »
     To Born to be Wild.
     
     "I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.
     As usual you have chosen a funny one.

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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #633 : 02 января 2017, 15:49:11 »
A preacher is buying a parrot.

"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.

"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.

"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."

"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"

"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot




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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #632 : 24 декабря 2016, 16:18:52 »
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."



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Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« Ответ #631 : 20 декабря 2016, 13:37:54 »

Funny Hugh Laurie & Stephen Fry comedy sketch! 'Your name, sir?' - BBC

<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNoS2BU6bbQ" target="_blank">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNoS2BU6bbQ</a>

 
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