Тонкий английский юмор

[born to be wild]

The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.

"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool."

"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!?"

[born to be wild]

     Wonderful!

Вот так скоро и мы в стране до этого дойдем.....

[Б.Я.]

Your first job will be to sweep the floor.

But I'm a college student the young man replied.

In that case give me the broom - I'll show you how.

     Wonderful!

[born to be wild]

Your first job will be to sweep the floor.

But I'm a college student the young man replied.

In that case give me the broom - I'll show you how.

[born to be wild]

Dealing with a lawyer

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

[Andrei1]

A man asked for a meal in a restaurant. The waiter brought the food and put it on the table. After a moment, the man called the waiter and said:
"Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!"
"Please don't speak so loudly, sir," said the waiter, "or everyone will want one."

[born to be wild]

Teach about blood flow

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."

"Yes, sir," the boys said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty."
 

[born to be wild]

What is intelligence?

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, 'intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."
 

[Iren]

A mother sees her son watching television and says, "Jimmy! I thought I told you to do the dishes after you do your homework! Why are you watching television?"
Jimmy replies, "It's okay, Mom! I haven't done my homework yet."

     I like this one.

[DAS]

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

[DAS]

What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?

Cat: Claws at the end of paws
Comma: Pause at the end of clause

[asdfg]

Люблю такие приколы с игрой слов!

What is the difference between a conductor and a teacher? The conductor minds the train and a teacher trains the mind.

[born to be wild]

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch.

A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he's had enough.

The bartender said, "I've got to ask you - what's with the pocket business?"

The man replied, "I have my lawyer's picture in there. When he starts to look honest, I've had enough."

[Spirit of Finland]

Шутка, основанная на игре слов.

— Will you tell me your name?
— Will Knot.
— Why not?

Люблю такие приколы с игрой слов!

[born to be wild]

Bill and Hillary were going down a back road and stopped at a gas station.

As the worker was filling up their car, he said to Hillary "I went to high school with you". She recognized him and agreed with him.

Later as they were driving down the road Bill said "If you had married him you wouldn't be married to the President".

Hillary said "Oh yes I would - he would be President."