Short texts for reading

[Дети к. Гранта]

Bib brother: I can help you with your mathematics. Look, I have ten cucumbers and you give me two. How many will I have?

Alice: I don't know. At school we do mathematics with apples.

Коротко, понятно и смешно. Побольше таких английских анекдотов.

[Tessa]

Amazing Anagrams

Dormitory == Dirty Room

Desperation == A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code == Here Come Dots

Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity == Is No Amity

Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness == Genuine Class

Semolina == Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point == I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one

Contradiction == Accord not in it

[Tessa]

An elderly gentleman... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to a doctor who was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I've changed my will three times!'

[born to be wild]

Bib brother: I can help you with your mathematics. Look, I have ten cucumbers and you give me two. How many will I have?

Alice: I don't know. At school we do mathematics with apples.

[Tessa]

Time has a wonderful way of showing us what really matters.

[Даша]

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.

'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'

A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'

[Tessa]

A police officer found a perfect hiding place for watching for speeding motorists.
One day, the officer was amazed when everyone was under the speed limit, so he investigated and found the problem.
A 10 years old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "Radar Trap Ahead."
A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice: another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet full of change.

[Даша]

tricky Irishman man)))))))))))))

[born to be wild]

Kissing in the dark
There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel, and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages, and it went completely dark. Then there was the kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened, and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking, "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer, and she missed him and slapped me instead." Claudia Schiffer was thinking, "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it." And the Irishman was thinking, "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English mongrel again."

[Даша]

This only shows how powerful the language is. It unites people and dissolves all forms of differences!

yes! and I think every intelligent and educated should know English!

[yemi]

Interesting fact:

      The name England comes from Angle-land. The Angles and Saxons gave it. They came to Britain from Europe in the fifth century. Before them were the Romans - they made houses and roads and build a town next to the River Thames. The Romans called it Londinium. There were also the Vikings who came to England. In 1066 William the Conqueror came to England and with him the French arrived. The Irish came in the 19-th century, then came the Jewish, the Polish, the Russians and many other nations. After the Second World War many Asians came to work and live in England. There are fifty million people living in England now. They come from different backgrounds but now they all speak English.

This only shows how powerful the language is. It unites people and dissolves all forms of differences!

[Tessa]

Interesting fact:

      The name England comes from Angle-land. The Angles and Saxons gave it. They came to Britain from Europe in the fifth century. Before them were the Romans - they made houses and roads and build a town next to the River Thames. The Romans called it Londinium. There were also the Vikings who came to England. In 1066 William the Conqueror came to England and with him the French arrived. The Irish came in the 19-th century, then came the Jewish, the Polish, the Russians and many other nations. After the Second World War many Asians came to work and live in England. There are fifty million people living in England now. They come from different backgrounds but now they all speak English.

[yemi]

Do what you love and Love what you do. This is an obvious key to true success and happiness!
I'm lovin' it! ha ha ha ha ha ha)))))

[Tessa]

Ask them time and they'll tell you how to build clock)

exactly!

      Let us take as simple an example as addressing of envelopes. Many who start with the general and move to the particular begin the address with country; then they write the prefecture (or province, department, county, or state); then the city; the district of the city, and finally the number of the actual house. In the United States people start with the smallest item, namely the number of the house. The address then moves on to the larger divisions: the street, the town, the state, and finally the country.
      This totally opposite approach to thinking affects many negotiations, plans, or attitudes whether we recognize it or not. If an Indian, Japanese, or Mexican asks an American about an overall goal, a basic theory, or a principle, he often feels buried under detail in the answer he gets. He is confused by a flood of statistics or a long description of methods before he hears any overall purpose or plan. People say: “Ask an American the time and he tells you how to build the clock!”

[Andy]

Ask them time and they'll tell you how to build clock)