31
Английский язык / Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« : 15 октября 2015, 21:16:03 »
Patient: (to cosmetic-surgeon) 'Will it hurt, doctor? Surgeon: 'Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown'.
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Административное совещание у Генерального директора. Провели при свечах День Любви и Добра. Придумываем дальнейшую воспитательную работу
Школа-ВУЗ "Современное образование", Россия (РФ), Москва, центр.
Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero!
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32
Английский язык / Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« : 15 октября 2015, 21:15:01 »
A perfect choice
A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds: Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is good in bed. About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and legs on her front porch. "I'm here about your ad," he says. "You must be mistaken," she says. "Let me explain," he says. "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms. And I can't run away because I don't have any legs." "But," she asks, "How do I know you're good in bed?" "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds: Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is good in bed. About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and legs on her front porch. "I'm here about your ad," he says. "You must be mistaken," she says. "Let me explain," he says. "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms. And I can't run away because I don't have any legs." "But," she asks, "How do I know you're good in bed?" "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
33
Английский язык / Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« : 15 октября 2015, 21:02:48 »
HEGS
The Doctor tells his patient that he has H-E-G-S "What's that?", the patient asks. "It's a combination of Herpes, Encephalitis, Gonorrhea and Syphyllis." The patient wants to know if there's a cure, to which the Doctor responds, "We have to keep you in a hospital room and feed you nothing but pancackes." "Why only pancackes?", asks the patient. The Doctor answers, "They're the only thing that will fit under the door."
The Doctor tells his patient that he has H-E-G-S "What's that?", the patient asks. "It's a combination of Herpes, Encephalitis, Gonorrhea and Syphyllis." The patient wants to know if there's a cure, to which the Doctor responds, "We have to keep you in a hospital room and feed you nothing but pancackes." "Why only pancackes?", asks the patient. The Doctor answers, "They're the only thing that will fit under the door."
34
Английский язык / Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« : 15 октября 2015, 20:59:37 »
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales...
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
35
Английский язык / Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« : 15 октября 2015, 20:46:01 »
Latex factory
A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"
A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"
36
Английский язык / Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« : 15 октября 2015, 20:44:37 »
Why study?
The more we study, the more we know
The more we know, the more we forget
The more we forget, the less we know
the less we know, the less we forget
The less we forget, the more we know
Why study?
The more we study, the more we know
The more we know, the more we forget
The more we forget, the less we know
the less we know, the less we forget
The less we forget, the more we know
Why study?
37
Английский язык / Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« : 15 октября 2015, 20:35:28 »
Camel
-What is your name?
-Abu-Dabi
-How old are you ?
-i am 25
-sex?
-twice in a day
-no no no male or female?
-Ohh male. female. sometimes camels
-What is your name?
-Abu-Dabi
-How old are you ?
-i am 25
-sex?
-twice in a day
-no no no male or female?
-Ohh male. female. sometimes camels
38
Английский язык / Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« : 07 октября 2015, 14:03:26 »
Together again
Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.
At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together."
A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.
At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together."
A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
39
Английский язык / Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« : 07 октября 2015, 13:59:45 »
A talking Frog
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
40
Английский язык / Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« : 07 октября 2015, 13:46:10 »
Dear Santa...
Boy - "dear Santa, for xmas, I would like a baby brother."
Santa - "Send me your mother."
Boy - "dear Santa, for xmas, I would like a baby brother."
Santa - "Send me your mother."
41
Английский язык / Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« : 07 октября 2015, 13:45:38 »
Who am I?
Night. A sleeping couple is lying in a bed. Door bell rings. A couple wakes up. Woman: "Quick! My husband is back!" Man jumps out from a window. Flying down he starts to think: "Shit! But I am the husband!"
Night. A sleeping couple is lying in a bed. Door bell rings. A couple wakes up. Woman: "Quick! My husband is back!" Man jumps out from a window. Flying down he starts to think: "Shit! But I am the husband!"
42
Английский язык / Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« : 07 октября 2015, 13:44:23 »
What marketing is
Now I understand what marketing is:
You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You approach her and tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Direct Marketing.
You are at a party with a group of friends and you see a very pretty girl. One of your friends approaches her and tells her: "That guy over there is very good in bed". That is Advertising.
You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You ask for her phone number. The following day you call her and tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Telemarketing .
You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You recognize her, you approach her and refresh her memory by telling her: "Do you remember how good I am in bed?" That is Customer Relationship Management.
You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You get up, fix your tie, pour her a drink, open the door for her, pick up her bag when it falls and you tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Public Relations.
You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. She approaches you and tells you: "I heard you are very good in bed". That is BRANDING!!
Now I understand what marketing is:
You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You approach her and tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Direct Marketing.
You are at a party with a group of friends and you see a very pretty girl. One of your friends approaches her and tells her: "That guy over there is very good in bed". That is Advertising.
You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You ask for her phone number. The following day you call her and tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Telemarketing .
You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You recognize her, you approach her and refresh her memory by telling her: "Do you remember how good I am in bed?" That is Customer Relationship Management.
You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You get up, fix your tie, pour her a drink, open the door for her, pick up her bag when it falls and you tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Public Relations.
You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. She approaches you and tells you: "I heard you are very good in bed". That is BRANDING!!
43
Английский язык / Re: Тонкий английский юмор
« : 07 октября 2015, 13:40:48 »
Double vodka
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodka." The barman says "Wow! you must have had one really bad day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife..."
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodka." The barman says "Wow! you must have had one really bad day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife..."
44
Английский язык / Re: about slang
« : 10 сентября 2015, 00:26:01 »
bloody
усилительное слово, которое может выражать практически любую эмоцию (удивление, негодование, возмущение, недовольство, радость, и т.д.), и может переводиться такими словами, как "проклятый", "чертов", "очень", "крайне" и т.д.; иногда может вставляться в середине сложных слов для их усиления (см. примеры)
Пример:
That bloody idiot.
Этот проклятый идиот.
It's so bloody cold outside.
На улице просто жутко холодно.
I'm sick of my bloody boss yelling at me for no apparent reason!
Мне надоело, что мой чертов начальник постоянно орет на меня, без видимой причины.
Oh you can go to bloody hell!
Да пошел-ка ты к черту!
That's fan-bloody-tastic!
Это просто потрясно!
усилительное слово, которое может выражать практически любую эмоцию (удивление, негодование, возмущение, недовольство, радость, и т.д.), и может переводиться такими словами, как "проклятый", "чертов", "очень", "крайне" и т.д.; иногда может вставляться в середине сложных слов для их усиления (см. примеры)
Пример:
That bloody idiot.
Этот проклятый идиот.
It's so bloody cold outside.
На улице просто жутко холодно.
I'm sick of my bloody boss yelling at me for no apparent reason!
Мне надоело, что мой чертов начальник постоянно орет на меня, без видимой причины.
Oh you can go to bloody hell!
Да пошел-ка ты к черту!
That's fan-bloody-tastic!
Это просто потрясно!
45
Английский язык / Re: about slang
« : 10 сентября 2015, 00:14:01 »
Big daddy
"важная шишка", большой начальник: Двое бывших одноклассников едут в лифте лос-анджелесского небоскреба в офис своего бывшего одноклассника Билли. Один говорит: Only don't say Billy, he is already a big daddy.� Только не называй его Билли. Он же уже важная шишка.
"важная шишка", большой начальник: Двое бывших одноклассников едут в лифте лос-анджелесского небоскреба в офис своего бывшего одноклассника Билли. Один говорит: Only don't say Billy, he is already a big daddy.� Только не называй его Билли. Он же уже важная шишка.