Тонкий английский юмор

[V.B.]

     Born to be wild, hello  again!  I've read your variants and liked all of then, particularly  about  the pocket  money, we could  intro duce  it   into  the  list.  I' ll  try  to  send  the  variants  in   pairs.

[born to be wild]

Russian sientists

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C.
The Russians used a pencil.

[born to be wild]

Hi! Why not? This could be funny. Have just bought the book. Looked through the chosen stories. Deal. Found some more. Here are the numbers: 1.16, 1.17, 1.21, 1.37, 1.39, 1.40. I think we should record them, too. I think I'll manage to arrange these days. Waiting for approval.

[V.B.]

      Hello.  BORN TO BE WILD!  I''VE JUST read  the   crazy  assignment  about  a  ce r t a i n   cat.  I  hope  you  won't introduce  it  into  our  ENglish  club.  Some  people  might  start  serious  work  on  it.  Hope  to hear  from  you  soon.

[born to be wild]

See if you can do this. Read each line aloud without making any mistakes. If you make a mistake you MUST start over or it won't work.

This is this cat
 This is is cat
 This is how cat
 This is to cat
 This is keep cat
 This is a cat
 This is dumbass cat
 This is busy cat
 This is for cat
 This is forty cat
 This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top...

Betcha can't resist passing it on

[born to be wild]

I'll buy the book tomorrow and have a look. The shop is still closed.

[born to be wild]

To  BOrn to be wild. I''ve chosen stories from the EGE  English book. The numbers   are 1.1, 1.2, 1.4,  1.5,  1.7, 1.9,1.13...  To  be  continued...

[born to be wild]

Woman is on a bus

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
 

[born to be wild]

A middle-aged  guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.
 He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"
 She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."
 He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

[admist]

Why God Created Lawyers

Satan was complaining bitterly to God, "You made the world so that it was not fair, and you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes. Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault. Sure, I'm evil, but give me a break. Can't you do something to make them stop blaming me?"

And so God created lawyers.

God created the natural numbers, everything else is the men's handiwork.

Classic.

 

[born to be wild]

Why God Created Lawyers

Satan was complaining bitterly to God, "You made the world so that it was not fair, and you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes. Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault. Sure, I'm evil, but give me a break. Can't you do something to make them stop blaming me?"

And so God created lawyers.

[Spirit of Finland]

Все - таки странные люди: про­шлой зимой все жаловались на снег и мороз, этой все жа­луются на жару и грязь.

А кто-то жаловался на снег и мороз? Открытие для меня!

[Kate Elizabeth]

Все - таки странные люди: про­шлой зимой все жаловались на снег и мороз, этой все жа­луются на жару и грязь.

[born to be wild]

Question:
If a man was born in Italy, went to America and died in San Francisco, what would he be?

Answer:
Dead!

[born to be wild]

Confused People
 In a psychiatrist’s waiting room two patients are having a conversation.
 One says to the other, “Why are you here?”
The second answers, “I’m Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here.”
The first is curious and asks, “How do you know that you’re Napoleon?”
The second responds, “God told me I was.”
At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, “NO I DIDN’T!”