Тонкий английский юмор

[born to be wild]

An admiral is standing at the Naval Academy in Annapolis when he stops a plebe walking by.

«Sailor, do you have change for a dollar?»

«Sure, buddy,» says the plebe, rooting around his pocket.

«That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?»

 «No, sir!»

[Mari]

Это пять!)))

[DAЛ$]

Редчайший кадр.
Сталин смеётся над устаревшим смартфоном Черчилля.

[born to be wild]

Just before Christmas an honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus were in an elevator together. As the doors opened, they noticed a $20 bill on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa Claus. The other two don’t exist.

[DAЛ$]

[born to be wild]

     A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. He asks «What for?» She says «I want to kill my husband». He says «Sorry, I can’t do that.» She then reaches intо her handbag and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife and hands it to him.
He says, «You didn’t tell me you had a prescription…»

[DAЛ$]

[DAЛ$]

И лампа не горит,
И врут календари,
И если все sweet dreams are made of this, то who am I
To disagree?

[born to be wild]

— David, your ideas are like diamonds.
— You mean they are so valuable?
— No, I mean they are so rare.

*   *   *

A man placed an advertisement «Wife wanted».
The next day he received hundreds of replies, all saying «You can have mine».

[born to be wild]

Today we are niggers

A black man and his son are on a plane heading home back to Africa. During the plane flight there's a problem, the plane is overweight. On the overhead an annoucement comes on. "We are having overweight problems so we are going to have to throw some people off of the back of the plane, we'll start in alphabetical order. Will all African Americans please stand up and move to the back of the plane". The son stands up and the father says "sit down." "Will all black people please stand up and go to the back of the plane." The son stands up, the father says "Sit down." "Will all coloured people please stand up and move to the back of the plane." The son stands up, the father says "Sit down." The son then says "But dad, if we are not African Americans, blacks, or coloured, what are we?" "Today we are Niggers, son."

[born to be wild]

Englishman in Australia
An Englishman arrived to Australia. Passport control in the airport. Border guard asks him:
- Have you ever been convicted of a crime?
- Hmm.. Is it still necessary?

[born to be wild]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: “Take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, “OK, now what?”

[born to be wild]

Who gives a f.....?!

[DAS]

"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

Living conditions sometimes determine one's way of thinking.

[born to be wild]

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.

"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere - it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."

"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"