Short texts for reading

[Andy]

     Andy! What do you personally have against the blonds?

Nothing personal
How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
She threw it off a cliff.


What do a blonde and a car have in common?
They both can drive you crazy.

[Б.Я.]

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

     Andy! What do you personally have against the blondes?

[Andy]

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

[asdfg]

Mrs Jones was waiting for an important telephone call, but she had no bread in the house, so she left the baby at home
and said to his five-year-old brother,'I am going to the shops, Jimmy, and I will be back in a few minutes.'
While she was out, the telephone rang, and Jimmy answered. 'Hallo,' said a man, 'is your mother there?'
'No,' answered Jimmy.
'Well, when she comes back, say to her, "Mr Baker telephoned".'
'What?'
'Mr Baker. Write it down. B-A-K-E-R.'
'How do you make a B?'
'How do I make . . . ? Listen, little boy, is there anybody else with you? Any brothers or sisters?'
'My brother Billy is here.'
'Good, I want to talk to him, please.'
'All right.' Jimmy took the telephone to the baby's bed and gave it to Billy. When their mother came back, she asked,
'Did anyone telephone?'
'Yes,' said Jimmy, 'a man. But he only wanted to talk to Billy.'

1.What was Mrs Jones waiting for?
2.Why did she go out ?
3.What did she do with the baby when she went out ?
4.What did she say to Jimmy ?
5.How old was he ?
6.What happened while she was out ?
7.What did Jimmy do ?
8.What did the man say then ?
9.What was the man's answer ?
10.What did Jimmy's mother do when she came home ?
11.What did Jimmy answer ?

[asdfg]

Mrs Jones was waiting for an important telephone call, but she had no bread in the house, so she left the baby at home
and said to his five-year-old brother,'I am going to the shops, Jimmy, and I will be back in a few minutes.'
While she was out, the telephone rang, and Jimmy answered. 'Hallo,' said a man, 'is your mother there?'
'No,' answered Jimmy.
'Well, when she comes back, say to her, "Mr Baker telephoned".'
'What?'
'Mr Baker. Write it down. B-A-K-E-R.'
'How do you make a B?'
'How do I make . . . ? Listen, little boy, is there anybody else with you? Any brothers or sisters?'
'My brother Billy is here.'
'Good, I want to talk to him, please.'
'All right.' Jimmy took the telephone to the baby's bed and gave it to Billy. When their mother came back, she asked,
'Did anyone telephone?'
'Yes,' said Jimmy, 'a man. But he only wanted to talk to Billy.'

[I.G.]

Watson, look up. What do you see?

Sherlock Holmes and his friend Watson were on a camping and hiking trip.
 They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?"
 "Well, I see thousands of stars."
 "And what does that mean to you?"
 "Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"
 "To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."

[born to be wild]

Hunting flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," he responded.
"Oh… Killed any?" she asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

[born to be wild]

Here is another one.

We're going to play elephants and circuses
"We're going to play elephants and circuses," - said a little boy at kindergarten, "Do you want to join in?"
 "I'd love to," - replied the teacher. "What do you want me to do?"
 "You can be the lady that feeds us peanuts!"

[Tessa]

To I.G. really good one! 

[born to be wild]

     To I.G.  I've read the story again in order to laugh at it one more time and now I am wondering where this crazy man is really taking them, those twenty darlings, those twenty penguins.

[born to be wild]

     To I.G.  Your story about the penguins is really funny. I can't stop laughing.

[Maksim]

God’s Time and Money
 A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God.
 While he was praying, he asked God, “How long is 10 million years to you?”
He replied, “1 second.”
The next day the preacher asked God, “God, how much is 10 million dollars to you?”
And God replied, “A penny.”
Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, “God, can I have one of your pennies?”
And God replied, “Just wait a sec.”

[I.G.]

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat.
 The police stop him and say that he can’t drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo.
 The man agrees and drives off.
 The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again he is
 stopped by the same police officer who says, “Hey! I thought I told you to take those to the zoo.”
The man replies, “I did. Today I’m taking them to the movies.”

[born to be wild]

                             Enjoy the story and see how Continuous is used in it

"Thomas? What is the matter with your brother?" asked the mother of the boys.
"He is crying", replied Thomas,"because I am eating my  cake and won"t give him any."
"Is his own cake finished?" asked the mother.
"Yes, and he cried while I was eating that, too."

     This is one of my favorite short stories. That's why I quoted it and suggest you read it again and enjoy it together with me.

[Tessa]

как это  красиво  у   вас  звучит: Английский клуб! дух  захватывает!

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