Тонкий английский юмор

[born to be wild]

О боже! Мой телефон сам решил сделать перевод этой страницы, и теперь я многое поняла))) (это тоже игра слов)

Да, что Вы говорите....

[Mila]

О боже! Мой телефон сам решил сделать перевод этой страницы, и теперь я многое поняла))) (это тоже игра слов)

[Andrei1]

Шутка, основанная на игре слов.

— Will you tell me your name?
— Will Knot.
— Why not?

[born to be wild]

A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.

His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"

"Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the kid.

So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?"

"Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000 out to him."

"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you going crazy???"

"Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!"

[Andrei1]

A mother sees her son watching television and says, "Jimmy! I thought I told you to do the dishes after you do your homework! Why are you watching television?"
Jimmy replies, "It's okay, Mom! I haven't done my homework yet."

[Iren]

     I compared the two latest stories: one - about the worrying mother, the otheк - about the mental hospital  patients. The mental hospital patients win. It seems they always do.

[born to be wild]

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"

"Yes," the boy's mother answered.

"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.

"Who cares?" the mother replied.

[Andrei1]

What is the longest word in the English language?
"Smiles". Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!

[Spirit of Finland]

Даже звучит забавно "кукарекать по-английски"! А какие звуки еще кому понравились? Кто пробовал воспроизвести?

[Mari]

Мне вот это очень понравилось! Как дура вчера перед сном кукарекала по-английски! 

Феерично!

[born to be wild]

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

[Spirit of Finland]

Мне вот это очень понравилось! Как дура вчера перед сном кукарекала по-английски! 

● roosters (петухи) — crow (кукарекают) — «cock-a-doodle-doo»

[Ксюша]

Разговор двух шотландцев:
- Ты слышал, Смит поссорился со своей женой?
- И что же они не поделили?
- Он купил поддержанную надгробную плиту и потребовал, чтобы жена сменила имя...

[Ксюша]

 
кто как говорит)))

● bees (пчелы) — buzz (жужжат) — «bzzz»
● birds (птицы) — chirp (чирикают) — «wee-tweet-tweet»
● cats (кошки) — mew (мяукают) — «meow»
● chicks (цыплята) — «peep peep»
● cows (коровы) — low (мычат) — «moo»
● crows (вороны) — caw (каркают) — «caw, caw»
● dogs (собаки) — bark (лают) — «bow wow», «arf» , «woof», «gowf»
● donkeys (ослы) — bray (ревут) — «hee-haw»
● doves (голуби) — coo (воркуют)
● ducks (утки) — quack (крякают) — «quack-quack»
● elephants (слоны) — «ugh-ugh»
● fish (рыбки) — «splosh!» («бульк!»)
● frogs (лягушки) — croak (квакают) — «ribbit-ribbit»,
● hens (куры) — cackle and cluck (кудахчут) — «cluck-cluck»
● lions (львы) — roar (рычат) — «r-r-r»
● mice (мыши) — squeak (пищат) — «squeak-squeak»
● owls (филины) — hoot (ухают) — «hoo», «to-who»
● pigs (свиньи) — grunt (хрюкают) — «oink-oink», «squeal»
● roosters (петухи) — crow (кукарекают) — «cock-a-doodle-doo»
● sheep and goats (овцы и козы) — bleat (блеют) — «baaah»
● snakes (змеи) — hiss (шипят) — «ch-ch»

[Кристюшa]

Джентльмен

- С какой стороны от дамы должен идти джентльмен?
- С той, где находятся витрины