Тонкий английский юмор

[born to be wild]

For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.

She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.

"Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"

[DAS]

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
-
Oscar Wilde

[Andrei1]

What time is it when an elephant sits on your car?

Time to get a new car!

[DAS]

Whenever I undress in the bathroom, my shower gets turned on.

[Andrei1]

A police constable pulls a driver over for speeding:
Constable: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. It was suspended when I got caught over the limit.

[Arsenovna]

  so true

[DAS]

Daddy reads some bedtime stories to make little Jonny fall asleep.

Half an hour later mommy opens quietly the door and asks: “And, is he asleep?”

Little Jonny answers: “Yes, finally.”

[Andrei1]

— Hello, are you there?
— Yes, who are you please?
— I'm Watt.
— What's your name?
— Watt's my name.
— Yes, what's your name?
— My name is John Watt.
— John what?
— Yes, are you Jones?
- I'm Knott.
— Will you tell me your name then?
— Will Knott.
— Why not?
— My name is Knott.
— Not what?
— Not Watt, Knott.
— What?

[DAS]

Two days ago, my friend Peter ran off with my wife.”

“Oh no, how long have you been friends?”

“Since two days ago.”

[born to be wild]

Jewish jokes here?

Why not!?

[Andrei1]

Q: What does D.I.A.N.A stand for?
A: Died In A Nasty Accident.

[DAS]

Paul to Jane: Would you like to be my girlfriend?

Jane: That’s a bit direct. Can’t you come up with something more beautiful?

Paul: I tried, but they didn’t want.

[DAS]

Ahahah, superb!

[Arsenovna]

[DAS]

“Mom, don't get alarmed, but I’m at the hospital.”

“Son, please. You’ve been a surgeon there for 8 years now.