Short texts for reading

[Tessa]

As the Americans say : Sh..t happens. I wish I wasn't on that very flight, though!!!!

and the next message should be the ads of some airlines))))))))))))

[yemi]

Taxiing down the tarmac, the 747 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a two hour delay, it finally took off.

Barry, a worried passenger asked the steward, 'What was the problem?'

'The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine', explained the flight attendant, 'and it took us a while to find a new pilot.'

As the Americans say : Sh..t happens. I wish I wasn't on that very flight, though!!!!

[Даша]

Taxiing down the tarmac, the 747 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a two hour delay, it finally took off.

Barry, a worried passenger asked the steward, 'What was the problem?'

'The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine', explained the flight attendant, 'and it took us a while to find a new pilot.'

[Tessa]

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?"
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"

[Tessa]

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'

The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'

The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'

The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'

The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'

[Andy]

Final Exam

The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil. 2. Cats can't steal it. 3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers.

[Даша]

Funny Library Rules

• Whenever you are looking for an important book it's always out of stock.  However, if you you are looking for an indispensable book, then it's out of print.
• The thinnest books have the longest catalogue numbers.
• In any library, there is only one person who knows where all the books are.  Find them before their boss fires them.
• In any library, the helpfulness of any member of staff is inversely proportional to the number of pens in that person's pocket.
• The student with the most overdue books fails their course.  [One professor we know comes into the college library at the end of every academic year, and asks for the list of students with overdue books.  We cannot help noticing that the list corresponds precisely to the end of term grades. The student with the most overdue books failed their course.]

[yemi]

True... true...
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, come home and expect to be fed and stroked, then want to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

You know what they say sometimes? You can't live with them, you can't have a free dinner without them!

[Andy]

Robert went to his lawyer and said, 'I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it.'  The lawyer smiled at Robert and replied, 'Not a problem, leave it all to me.'

Robert looked somewhat upset and said, 'Well, I knew you were going to take a big portion, but I would like to leave a little to my family too!'

True... true...
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, come home and expect to be fed and stroked, then want to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

[Tessa]

Robert went to his lawyer and said, 'I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it.'  The lawyer smiled at Robert and replied, 'Not a problem, leave it all to me.'

Robert looked somewhat upset and said, 'Well, I knew you were going to take a big portion, but I would like to leave a little to my family too!'

[Tessa]

Two lawyers arrive at the pub and order a couple of drinks. Then they take sandwiches out of their briefcases and begin  eating them.
Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, 'Excuse me,  we don"t alllow to eat  your own sandwiches in here!'
The two beavers look at each other, shrug their shoulders and exchange the sandwiches.

[Tessa]

A policeman spotted a jay walker and decided to challenge him, 'Why are you trying to cross here when there's a zebra crossing only 20 metres away?'

'Well,' replied the jay walker, 'I hope it's having better luck than me.'

[Даша]

he Earthquakes == That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one

Contradiction == Accord not in it

This one's amazing: [From Hamlet by Shakespeare]

To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

Becomes:

In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.

And the grand finale:

"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." - Neil A. Armstrong

becomes:

A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!



Источник: http://www.english-easy.info/jokes/english_jokes_amazing_anagrams.php#ixzz2vJLo2VcY

[Tessa]

What is the longest word in the English language? "Smiles". Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!

[Даша]

Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven-ate(eight)-nine.