Тонкий английский юмор

[Sergevna]

Barnyard Poem"

The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were alone
Just she and I
Her hair was brown
Her eyes were too
I knew just what
She wanted to do
So with my courage
I did my best
And placed my hand
Upon her breast
I trembled and shook
And felt her heart
Slowly she spread
Her legs apart
I knew she was ready
But I didn't know how
It was my first try
At milking a cow

[Sergevna]

Two hedgehogs are in the middle of the road and they're by a zebra crossing. One says, "Don't cross here!"

The other one says, "Why not?"

The first one says, "Look what happened to this zebra!"

[Sergevna]

A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops.

"Yes," says the blonde.

"Are their lights on?"

The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."

[Sergevna]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[Sergevna]

A police officer saw a car speeding down the highway.

He started chasing after the speeder . When he got close he's saw it was a blonde woman who was actually knitting while driving.

The cop yelled, "Pull over!"

The blonde shouted back, "No! It's a sweater!"

[Sergevna]

Two blondes and a brunette fell off a cliff, handing on to a rope for dear life. The rope was tearing from the weight of the three girls, so the brunette says, "One of us has to jump or we'll all die." The blondes looked at each other and decided the brunette should jump because she was the ugliest. The brunette jumps, but the two blondes let go of the rope when they clapped.

[Sergevna]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

[Sergevna]

 A blonde was cooking dinner, when her kitchen caught on fire. So she called 911 and said, "My kitchen is on fire!"

They asked, "How do we get there?"

The blonde said, "Well, DUH, the big red truck!"

[Sergevna]

A blonde goes into a music store and asks the guy who works there where the country music CD's are.

The salesman replies, "Try the other side."

So the blonde moves to his other ear and says, "Where are the country music CD's?"

[Sergevna]

A blonde decides she wants to go ice fishing. So she goes to the library and reads and researches ice fishing. Then she goes to the sporting goods store and buys everything she needs.

Then she finally thinks she is ready so she goes out to the ice and starts drilling a hole. Suddenly she hears a voice from up above. It says: "There are no fish under the ice."

So she decides to go farther down on the ice. She starts drilling and she hears the voice again: "There are no fish under the ice."

So she packs up her things and moves down the ice again. She starts drilling and she hears the voice again, "There are no fish under the ice."

"Is that you Lord?" she says.

"No," says the voice, "I'm the manager of the ice hockey rink."

[Sergevna]

Why can't a blonde dial 911?

She can't find the eleven.

[Sergevna]

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.

One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."

POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."

POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.

The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"

The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

[Spirit of Finland]

Some of them are so interesting!

[Sergevna]

Would You Remarry

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the
wife looks over at him and asks a bold question.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "Shit."

[Sergevna]

Expiry Date Of Marriage

Wife: Honey: What are You Looking for in that paper ?
Husband : Nothing.

Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an
hour ??
Husband : I was just looking for the expiry date.