Тонкий английский юмор

[Kate Elizabeth]

Все - таки странные люди: про­шлой зимой все жаловались на снег и мороз, этой все жа­луются на жару и грязь.

[born to be wild]

Question:
If a man was born in Italy, went to America and died in San Francisco, what would he be?

Answer:
Dead!

[born to be wild]

Confused People
In a psychiatrist's waiting room two patients are having a conversation.
One says to the other, "Why are you here?"
The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here."
The first is curious and asks, "How do you know that you're Napoleon?"
The second responds, "God told me I was."
At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "NO I DIDN'T!"

[Марина]

да нет... там есть серии очень простые... просто, когда я учила язык, я всё время смотрела ток-шоу (для понимания "народного" разговорного) и такие вот сериалы (для классического языка)

[born to be wild]

не рассматривали возможность просмотра на Английском клубе замечательного сериала "Дживс и Вустер"? Там и английский прекрасный, и юмор - тонкий, и манеры, и психология...

Сериал хороший, но достаточно сложный для понимания....

[NLO]

A man asked for a meal in a restaurant. The waiter brought the food and put it on the table. After a moment, the man called the waiter and said:

"Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!"

"Please don't speak so loudly, sir," said the waiter, "or everyone will want one."

How can that be translated?

[Марина]

не рассматривали возможность просмотра на Английском клубе замечательного сериала "Дживс и Вустер"? Там и английский прекрасный, и юмор - тонкий, и манеры, и психология...

[born to be wild]

Two Americans are talking. One asks: "What's the difference between capitalism and communism?"
"That's easy" says the other one. "In capitalism man exploits man! In communism it is the other way around!"

[born to be wild]

A man asked for a meal in a restaurant. The waiter brought the food and put it on the table. After a moment, the man called the waiter and said:

"Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!"

"Please don't speak so loudly, sir," said the waiter, "or everyone will want one."

[born to be wild]

At an auction in Manchester a wealthy American announced he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it. From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!'

[Mir]

A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in a school play.
"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"
The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!"
The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

[born to be wild]

A True English Rose

There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were named Emily, Maggie and Rose.

After approximately 14 hours, Emily staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, Maggie crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, Rose finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, 'I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms.' 

[born to be wild]

Charles was getting annoyed and shouted upstairs to his wife, "Hurry up or we'll be late."
"Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"

     А wonderful example of a Present Perfect Continuous as used in a joke.

[born to be wild]

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

[born to be wild]

What's the definition of a pessimist? A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.